Jump to content

I trust her, should I be concerned?


Recommended Posts

Ok, so, I've been seeing this woman for 5 months, it's the best relationship ever, our chemistry is through the roof.

 

We were coming back late from a show last week and we were in her car. It was about 11:30 pm and she got a call, I saw the number on the GPS, but there was no name. She declined the call and we kept talking.

 

I didn't think anything at the time, but now I'm wondering if some guy was calling her that late.

 

Would I be out of line to ask her who it was?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Where is this distrust of her coming from? Has she cheated on you? Done anything you consider inappropriate?

 

I ask because you immediately assumed it's "some guy" calling her and you want to quiz her about it.

She's done absolutely nothing inappropriate.

Link to post
Share on other sites
But what's going on, OP?

Nothing is going on. In fact, if it was a guy, then I would still think nothing was going on. Just wanted to know if I should be concerned or not.

 

Let me ask this...Should I be able to ask her who it was without offending her? If the situation was reversed, it wouldn't bother me a bit, if she asked who it was...

Link to post
Share on other sites

You don't have cause to ask.

 

If she was acting distant and your relationship was waning and she was hiding things from you or you had a good suspicion that she was texting another man,etc...then possibly it would make sense to bring it up.

 

But right now? There is no reason for it other than you making up reasons.

If you do ask it could very well offend her and with good reason. A partner still deserves privacy, especially if she's not done anything.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I get anywhere from literally 2-10 calls a day from some sort of solicitor trying to sell a warranty, help me with my credit card debt that doesn’t exist, etc. All random numbers. I’m in such a habit of just clicking ignore I don’t even think about it anymore. Granted it’s not at 11:30 but I’ve gotten them late as late as 9:30. Depending on what time zone you’re in maybe that could explain it. And they call from local numbers even though they may be in another country.

 

I feel like since you didn’t think anything about it at the time that she didn’t give off any red flags. So it wasn’t an intuition that she was receiving a call from someone she shouldn’t have. It sounds more like you were going back and overthinking the situation.

 

I’m guilty of overthinking so I’m glad you came here first before asking her.

 

Until there is another reason to question her, flush this thought and enjoy your wonderful girlfriend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Would you be out of line to ask? No. But you would be out of line to expect an answer. Maybe she doesn'tknow. Maybe it's an ex. Maybe it a sibling whose phone she has never bothered to assign to a name. Who knows.

 

You two need to adopt a communication style that suits you both. My r/s is about 7 months long and we both maintain somewhat porous boundaries. We still have people from our parts coming at us, and we often tell each other about it. Its not a trust issue, it's a skill set and also a reasonably young relationship.

 

We expect to stay together. We don't ask each other to let people go or block them etc. We do ask that we make choices that serve our mutual goals and then we let each other figure that out.

 

If you trust in your chemistry and connection then you also trust that she can handle her business. That she can hear your question as a simple curiosity. And that you can show your vulnerability by asking it.

 

So:

 

If you ask, understand it's because you are needy in that moment, and not because she owes you an answer.

 

Finally, if you ask, be a safe place for her to speak the truth.

 

If you can't listen as a friend would, then don't ask.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I never give my partner reason to ask because I just volunteer who it is anyway. Even if it was some random number I didn't recognise I'd still say, "No idea who that was". Sometimes I wonder if people like maintaining some kind of air of mystery tbh, but I think you've left it too late to ask her now regardless.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I never give my partner reason to ask because I just volunteer who it is anyway. Even if it was some random number I didn't recognise I'd still say, "No idea who that was". Sometimes I wonder if people like maintaining some kind of air of mystery tbh, but I think you've left it too late to ask her now regardless.

 

Not at all. I just don't give that much importance to numbers I don't recognize and don't feel the need to announce it. I literally don't give it a second thought.

 

OP, you are going to look paranoid if you ask her now. Relax. Have you always been this insecure in relationships? If so, you need to think about why that is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Nothing is going on. In fact, if it was a guy, then I would still think nothing was going on. Just wanted to know if I should be concerned or not.

 

Let me ask this...Should I be able to ask her who it was without offending her? If the situation was reversed, it wouldn't bother me a bit, if she asked who it was...

 

My now ex-boyfriend asked me what you want to ask your current girlfriend. I took offense because that is a question inherently imbedded in distrust for your partner. I deny or don't answer calls because I don't recognize them or they are spam. I get many and I want no part of it. If a call is so important, they will leave a message and I will answer it back if necessary. Otherwise, it's an unimportant call I don't need to hear, or would even be harmful. Some I straight up deny because I had unknown, obviously phony numbers pop up repeatedly before. If it looks like spam, I will automatically deny it, not because it's something I am trying to hide from a partner.

 

I get robots literally stating I'll be arrested for a warrant on my head (not true) if I don't call back. I've even looked up some of the numbers (thought some may have been recruiting agencies when I was looking for a job) and would often see reviews saying it's a scam artist calling from India with a broken accent, demanding money. I really can spare that headache of a call, or calls. I'm even on the do not call list.

 

I suggest you do not call her out on this. That is effectively what you'll be doing if you ever ask your insecurity filled question.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd take this moment to ask yourself why something like this puts you on edge. If she's given you zero reason to suspect anything shady then your suspicions/anxieties have nothing to do with her. A big part of what makes relationships work is being able to contain your own anxieties, rather than flinging them on a partner.

 

If I was your gf, as yatsue said, I'd maybe take a little offense, or maybe feel a little squeezed in, especially after only 5 months. Had you just asked "Oh, who was that?" in the moment maybe not such a big deal. But now you're ruminating on it, spinning, and it's best to deal with that on your own.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Either you trust the woman's investment in you, or you don't. If not, you'll behave in ways that demonstrate your lack of trust--such as asking her who phones her the night before...

 

It's all downhill from there.

 

Decide whether you can trust, or not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I absolutely trust her and the phone call is forgotten as of right now...

 

... as of right now...

 

Ocman, what do you mean? Take responsibility for your insecurity, which is what leads you to want to - at some level - oversee, shadow, or control her private communications.

 

The phone call is her business. If you've not had to deal with it, then be glad she dealt with it so that it never interfered in your relationship. It never interrupted your conversation, even. Whatever it was, spam or otherwise, she made sure it was of no consequence to you.

 

Either you forget, or you don't. Let it go.

 

If it sticks with you, bring it up. Like I said before, be prepared to be vulnerable when you do, and to trust her regardless of who it was. It isn't her fault it's on your mind, you own that. Not her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I absolutely trust her and the phone call is forgotten as of right now...

 

Okay, you believe she's worth giving this a shot. Consider as you go forward that there are two forms of jealousy:

 

1) One is specific and justified because a partner is behaving in suspicious ways. Notice that this is 'ways'--plural. Not one incident. If you start to see a pattern, then it makes sense to raise that pattern and hear the response. If a response strikes you as doubtful, then you get to decide whether you'll want to keep investing in a person who has legitimately generated mistrust in you.

 

2) The other is a suspicious mind that you've brought into the relationship from your own past. That will generate suspicion about ALL future partners, no matter how ethical she may be. In this case, you're just not relationship material unless and until you do the work with someone who's trained to help you resolve your old damage that will sabotage every future relationship.

 

So in cases of doubt, figure out whether you are trigger-happy with projection, or whether you are feeling a genuine mistrust of specific behaviors.

 

If the doubt is based on behavior, then no need to suck it up and pretend you're okay with it. However, attempting to 'get' a shady person to change is pretty ridiculous, so decide whether or not you want to stick around for this to play out badly. You don't need 'proof' in order to know that you don't want to live like this.

 

If the doubt has no real basis beyond a few incidents that you've opted to interpret as worst case, then consider the work you could have been doing with a therapist on your own all this time. Seeing a therapist doesn't prevent you from continuing your relationship. People have no trouble hiring an expert for taxes or plumbing or other 'practical' stuff...but what could be more practical than your quality of life?

 

Head high, and you're smart for asking about this.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...