This Month is the Worst

[yatsue]

This month of August has been trying on me and it is my birthday in a few days. I got my first ever traffic ticket at the start. The cop issued it because I stopped on and not at the white line at a red traffic light. I wasn't out in the oncoming traffic lane I was pulling into after. My lawyer said I have a good chance at throwing the ticket out, but I'll have to see how my day in court goes.

 

Next, I made a mistake at work. I am in healthcare work and this involved a patient in critical condition. I pressed the wrong button on the sendout report (darn computers), but my paperwork was accurate. One of my managers, who is notorious for giving people a hard time, said it was caught and corrected in a few hours. She said there would be an investigation. I felt extremely awful for the patient ultimately. I then feared my job was at risk. Turns out what she said wasn't true, and my supervisor said at my bi-annual review this week that I have made no mistakes and she has no constructive feedback for me since I am a good employee. I believe this was because the mistake I made, while in error, was minor. It is a process and nothing was finalized yet. It's complicated...I am just speechless.

 

Now, I broke up with my long term, live in partner not that long ago. Some backstory is here:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553531

 

As expected, he was surprised and it didn't go over well. He wasn't very understanding and I feel beat down. The thing is, I still love him. It is very hard doing this. I haven't felt like myself in the relationship in a long time and I don't want to continue being this way. I do know I have fault in this as well; it takes two to tango, of course. He was saying how I am weak and am giving up, all the while pulling out all the stops in trying to keep me. He guilt tripped me with his cat (a cutie I adore), his body (he said I like sex, said I wouldn't have it anymore from him and he knows I am still attracted to him), and how I didn't try enough so I should give it more of a chance (I tried my best, and yes it was hard to try with someone who is emotionally unavailable because of a video game addiction, or whatever you want to call it). I want to own up to my part. Again, this is hard.

 

I am going to see a good friend tonight and will tell her about it, as well as another good friend and possibly my parents (they were planning on visiting and staying in my area in September). So, I am feeling the utmost sadness inside about a good person who I adore, but couldn't genuinely see working it out with. I can just see if I gave him another chance, how his friends would hate me and him for abandoning them in their gaming activities. It feels like he would be doing it just to keep me and not because he truly thinks he has an obsessive need. For goodness sake, he has withdrawals from not playing and he needs to want to quit for himself, is what I keep repeating to myself.

 

In your experience, how do you live with an ex until they move out? I expect at least a month of this...

[DancingFool]

Well....

 

The traffic ticket, it's the kind of thing that gives good cops a bad name. I think your attorney is correct that the ticket is absurd and will be dismissed.

 

The work thing - you've been vindicated. Whatever your immediate supervisor said, obviously she was completely wrong. Mistakes will happen, sometimes they'll happen in combination of your boss having a bad day. Try not to let that get to you, especially when ultimately you really have been vindicated and praised for being very good at your work to the point where there is really nothing to say or add. Kudos really.

 

Regarding your ex bf. You know.....what he is saying, how he is reacting just proves that you were right to end the relationship. He is still taking zero responsibility for himself and his actions and trying to blame you instead. As for sex, I mean, you don't sleep with each other after you break up. That's kind of a given really, so he isn't really using his body for anything here. One of you will need to sleep on the couch for the next 30 days or so and that's that. Hopefully he'll leave sooner rather than later.

 

Definitely lean on your friends and family to cheer you up. You are making the right decision. If you can, to ease things on yourself, maybe take some time off and go visit family instead, or just go away for a bit and do something for yourself that you would enjoy. Spend as little time at home as possible. That will help you a lot.

[bluecastle]

Wow—feeling for you big time. Sometimes the dominoes all fall at once, so do yourself a favor and take some deep breaths. Seriously. Feels silly, but it helps.

 

Very few people take being broken up with well, so just try to have some perspective. What he said in the heat of the moment was simply his way of protecting his ego and heart at the moment of bruising. I don't mean to patronize him, but just think of it like when a teenager screams "I hate you!" at a parent when they don't get their own way. The parent knows that isn't the full truth, but just something the kid needs to say in the moment to have a sense of control and emotional release.

 

And, honestly? His reaction kind of reinforces the big maturity gap between you two. Weak and giving up? Um, no, buddy. The sex stuff? That's pure ego, and don't let that guilt harden into anything real as you spin around. You are allowed to like sex, and be attracted to him, and also feel that you need a little (a lot) more than a dude who opts for video games over dinner with his gf.

 

He's a good dude, you're a good woman, but the timing isn't right if you're not feeling seen as you need to be seen. You've had to make a really hard choice, and you'll feel plenty of waves about that choice. Navigating each one is just going to make you stronger.

 

Best of luck, and digital hugs!

[bluecastle]

Oh, as for the logistics. I'd offer to sleep on the couch, or at a friend's. It'll be an awkward month, but make sure you have a set endpoint and don't get caught up in the murk.

 

It can be very tempting to continue sleeping together through this—emotions are running high. But it never helps, so do your best to hold the line. (Wish I'd taken that advice at your age!)

[yatsue]

Well....

 

The traffic ticket, it's the kind of thing that gives good cops a bad name. I think your attorney is correct that the ticket is absurd and will be dismissed.

 

The work thing - you've been vindicated. Whatever your immediate supervisor said, obviously she was completely wrong. Mistakes will happen, sometimes they'll happen in combination of your boss having a bad day. Try not to let that get to you, especially when ultimately you really have been vindicated and praised for being very good at your work to the point where there is really nothing to say or add. Kudos really.

 

Regarding your ex bf. You know.....what he is saying, how he is reacting just proves that you were right to end the relationship. He is still taking zero responsibility for himself and his actions and trying to blame you instead. As for sex, I mean, you don't sleep with each other after you break up. That's kind of a given really, so he isn't really using his body for anything here. One of you will need to sleep on the couch for the next 30 days or so and that's that. Hopefully he'll leave sooner rather than later.

 

Definitely lean on your friends and family to cheer you up. You are making the right decision. If you can, to ease things on yourself, maybe take some time off and go visit family instead, or just go away for a bit and do something for yourself that you would enjoy. Spend as little time at home as possible. That will help you a lot.

 

Thank you for your kind response. I was really worried for a while this whole month about the legal and work stuff. Now it's slowly resolving, so that's good. Breathing a sigh of relief there.

 

I do understand you shouldn't have or expect sex with an ex. I always tend to write a book and didn't explain fully, but he asked me "Aren't you attracted to me? Don't you want this (aka his body, he knows I am still attracted)? So you should stay in the relationship" was the jist. He said it in a kind of joking way, or was half serious, but I didn't appreciate the teasing. No intimacy is brutal, although I know it needs to stay that way.

 

My eye health has been declining for a while, but my opthamologist has given me the okay to wear contacts again so I can resume my sport (martial arts). I have been going to the gym a lot, preparing to hopefully go back soon in great shape. It will be good for me to resume after my health problems resolve. I was just at an appointment and my doctor gave me the all clear!

[yatsue]

Wow—feeling for you big time. Sometimes the dominoes all fall at once, so do yourself a favor and take some deep breaths. Seriously. Feels silly, but it helps.

 

Very few people take being broken up with well, so just try to have some perspective. What he said in the heat of the moment was simply his way of protecting his ego and heart at the moment of bruising. I don't mean to patronize him, but just think of it like when a teenager screams "I hate you!" at a parent when they don't get their own way. The parent knows that isn't the full truth, but just something the kid needs to say in the moment to have a sense of control and emotional release.

 

And, honestly? His reaction kind of reinforces the big maturity gap between you two. Weak and giving up? Um, no, buddy. The sex stuff? That's pure ego, and don't let that guilt harden into anything real as you spin around. You are allowed to like sex, and be attracted to him, and also feel that you need a little (a lot) more than a dude who opts for video games over dinner with his gf.

 

He's a good dude, you're a good woman, but the timing isn't right if you're not feeling seen as you need to be seen. You've had to make a really hard choice, and you'll feel plenty of waves about that choice. Navigating each one is just going to make you stronger.

 

Best of luck, and digital hugs!

 

Haha thank you for the hugs! In my eyes, I care a lot and see this is for the best. Unfortunately he doesn't see it this way. It's an interesting perspective to make the teenager analogy, like it's a defensive mechanism. Sometimes you try to make the person you're breaking up with understand, but I've learned before that most of the time they will never understand your side. So it's better to just say your piece and then be agreeable as much as you can until you part ways, to not instigate a drawn out battle. Not ideal, but the end goal is to break up after stating the reason why, after that it is damage control until you can get away.

 

However, I'll still be seeing him here in my place. That's new for me, which makes this harder. It helps to know you've got to sleep separate. I work third shift, while he works first so it will be easier for me, but I have to stick to my sleeping schedule very strictly. While living together with your ex, what's your opinion on how to best interact? I don't want to invade his space or talk too much since he is hurting, or question how long it will take him to find a place to move out to (he paid rent for another 2 weeks there). I offered to help him find a place, move, etc. and he refused. He actually wants to move to a regular apartment, rather than his dad's real estate property because he wants to be closer to work.

[DancingFool]

Thank you for your kind response. I was really worried for a while this whole month about the legal and work stuff. Now it's slowly resolving, so that's good. Breathing a sigh of relief there.

 

I do understand you shouldn't have or expect sex with an ex. I always tend to write a book and didn't explain fully, but he asked me "Aren't you attracted to me? Don't you want this (aka his body, he knows I am still attracted)? So you should stay in the relationship" was the jist. He said it in a kind of joking way, or was half serious, but I didn't appreciate the teasing. No intimacy is brutal, although I know it needs to stay that way.

 

My eye health has been declining for a while, but my opthamologist has given me the okay to wear contacts again so I can resume my sport (martial arts). I have been going to the gym a lot, preparing to hopefully go back soon in great shape. It will be good for me to resume after my health problems resolve. I was just at an appointment and my doctor gave me the all clear!

 

Oh geez, so he really is being very very immature and that's putting it politely. I mean really? He thinks that sex will keep his addict azz around? lololololol......

 

Great that you can go back to training. Chalk that up to positive stuff happening. Truly, the more you can get busy doing what you like and surrounding yourself with friends and their support, the better. Keeping out of the house as much as possible be it training or out with friends will really truly help you navigate the next 30 days and thereafter. In the end, it will be nice to come home and have the place to yourself and not have to tip toe around your gaming ex.

[yatsue]

Oh geez, so he really is being very very immature and that's putting it politely. I mean really? He thinks that sex will keep his addict azz around? lololololol......

 

Great that you can go back to training. Chalk that up to positive stuff happening. Truly, the more you can get busy doing what you like and surrounding yourself with friends and their support, the better. Keeping out of the house as much as possible be it training or out with friends will really truly help you navigate the next 30 days and thereafter. In the end, it will be nice to come home and have the place to yourself and not have to tip toe around your gaming ex.

 

Yes, then I can be as disgusting as I want at home again XD

 

I think I was happier alone than with him around, which was one of my points he said he really didn't get. I said I felt single, without acting like it, and would rather he be gone than him being unavailable the majority of the time at home. Really, I rather it be he was out doing something with his friends (besides drinking all of the time-I don't want a drunkard) or doing an acticity each day, so when he comes home we could actually talk openly to each other. It would have been better than what we have now, IMO.

[DancingFool]

Yes, then I can be as disgusting as I want at home again XD

 

I think I was happier alone than with him around, which was one of my points he said he really didn't get. I said I felt single, without acting like it, and would rather he be gone than him being unavailable the majority of the time at home. Really, I rather it be he was out doing something with his friends (besides drinking all of the time-I don't want a drunkard) or doing an acticity each day, so when he comes home we could actually talk openly to each other. It would have been better than what we have now, IMO.

 

Oh I totally get what you mean about feeling single and alone while in a relationship. That's definitely when you know it's just over. Not like you haven't tried either. You certainly have, but he hasn't heard you and still isn't hearing you. There definitely comes that breaking point where you say "well, I'm already single so I might as well be free for real."

[bluecastle]

Haha thank you for the hugs! In my eyes, I care a lot and see this is for the best. Unfortunately he doesn't see it this way. It's an interesting perspective to make the teenager analogy, like it's a defensive mechanism. Sometimes you try to make the person you're breaking up with understand, but I've learned before that most of the time they will never understand your side. So it's better to just say your piece and then be agreeable as much as you can until you part ways, to not instigate a drawn out battle. Not ideal, but the end goal is to break up after stating the reason why, after that it is damage control until you can get away.

 

However, I'll still be seeing him here in my place. That's new for me, which makes this harder. It helps to know you've got to sleep separate. I work third shift, while he works first so it will be easier for me, but I have to stick to my sleeping schedule very strictly. While living together with your ex, what's your opinion on how to best interact? I don't want to invade his space or talk too much since he is hurting, or question how long it will take him to find a place to move out to (he paid rent for another 2 weeks there). I offered to help him find a place, move, etc. and he refused. He actually wants to move to a regular apartment, rather than his dad's real estate property because he wants to be closer to work.

 

The way I look at it: relationships are a shared story, and the breakup occurs when each of your stories no longer intersect.

 

Maybe when his feelings fade he'll see things a bit from your side, maybe not. I had a big relationship many years ago that was utterly devastating when she ended it. But maybe within a few months I realized that I'd kind of lost sight of her, and really came to feel for her for feeling unseen all those months when my head was in the clouds. It made me a better partner next time around, and she and I have become great friends. Just a month ago we had dinner together, talked about our current romances—no weirdness, no friction, just a lot of affection and appreciation for each other's humanity.

 

As for the living arrangements: you walk that all the best you can, but really try to set clear boundaries on what's happening when. He's a grown adult and can find a place, be it a friend's, his father's, whatever. That's his journey now, so if he's paid for two weeks than it's a journey that starts in two weeks.

[yatsue]

I guess he's never felt that way, which could be why he doesn't understand being alone in a relationship. Oh well, he doesn't have to.

 

Wow blue, still friends with your ex I see. I'm glad it works out for you two. I can't imagine being friends with my current ex. He said he could see us being friends after all of this. While that would be great to get along in the meantime living together, I have no intentions after he moves out. It would be too hard and I wouldn't want the friendship in the future with an ex, fearing it may cause problems. Some can do it, but I don't think I can. I feel bad, since it sounds like a nice thought, but a thought is what I'd like it to remain.

 

I do feel bad he'll now be in a financial hard place since he'll be moving out on his own. It is tempting to do whatever I can to help him, as this was initiated by me. However, that is his to deal with.

[Chris12189]

I guess he's never felt that way, which could be why he doesn't understand being alone in a relationship. Oh well, he doesn't have to.

 

Wow blue, still friends with your ex I see. I'm glad it works out for you two. I can't imagine being friends with my current ex. He said he could see us being friends after all of this. While that would be great to get along in the meantime living together, I have no intentions after he moves out. It would be too hard and I wouldn't want the friendship in the future with an ex, fearing it may cause problems. Some can do it, but I don't think I can. I feel bad, since it sounds like a nice thought, but a thought is what I'd like it to remain.

 

I do feel bad he'll now be in a financial hard place since he'll be moving out on his own. It is tempting to do whatever I can to help him, as this was initiated by me. However, that is his to deal with.

 

once your no longer emotionally invested you may feel differently, but I think in this situation you will realize hes not friend material. And you are 100% right, his financial hardships are not your problem anymore

[bluecastle]

I guess he's never felt that way, which could be why he doesn't understand being alone in a relationship. Oh well, he doesn't have to.

 

Wow blue, still friends with your ex I see. I'm glad it works out for you two. I can't imagine being friends with my current ex. He said he could see us being friends after all of this. While that would be great to get along in the meantime living together, I have no intentions after he moves out. It would be too hard and I wouldn't want the friendship in the future with an ex, fearing it may cause problems. Some can do it, but I don't think I can. I feel bad, since it sounds like a nice thought, but a thought is what I'd like it to remain.

 

I do feel bad he'll now be in a financial hard place since he'll be moving out on his own. It is tempting to do whatever I can to help him, as this was initiated by me. However, that is his to deal with.

 

Yeah, it may be that he's not friend material. My most recent ex falls into that category, most likely. Haven't spoken to her in about a year—healing, etc.—but it's honestly hard to imagine us being in each other's lives in a way that's productive.

 

Anyhow, not stuff for you to worry about right now. This is triage time, getting through the next few weeks with as much grace as possible.

 

And, yes, his situation right now is his and his alone. I know how hard that is, as my last gf relied on me in a lot of ways, including financially. But she's fine today, just as yours will be.

[Wiseman2]

Don't feel guilty. You have already talked to him about this he blew you off so chose to ignore the warning shots. You owe him nothing. Unfortunately he chose videogames over a relationship with you. His choice, his problem. His reaction also speaks volumes about an entitled attitude.

 

Sadly most of these behavioral compulsions like gambling, eating, hording, video games, etc. just keep going until these people run out of tolerant kind hearted enablers and they have to do something about it in order to survive. When he has to pay more rent, get his life organized, get food, find a gf/sex, etc he'll have to get his butt off the couch, work and do/find these things...or go without.

[yatsue]

Maybe you guys are right he might not be friend material. We have hashed it out after a few days and it seems like he is starting to accept the break up. We are sort of on good terms, as of now, but he is making advances towards me. I have to admit, the temptation is real right now. I am still attracted to him and he has indicated he was looking/talking sexually towards me. It's ironic because he, even in these recent back and forth's for the past few days, was saying how he thought at times I only wanted him for his body or sex. He said this before a long time ago, but of course that has never been true. I do have a higher sex drive, but wanting sex once or twice a week (give or take) I think is normal. I was out all day yesterday too and am leaving to go out today some more, to talk to those who are close to me and run errands. At times, I wonder if locking the bedroom door with me in it is immature or smart. I have to be at my place or sleep at some point.

[DancingFool]

Maybe you guys are right he might not be friend material. We have hashed it out after a few days and it seems like he is starting to accept the break up. We are sort of on good terms, as of now, but he is making advances towards me. I have to admit, the temptation is real right now. I am still attracted to him and he has indicated he was looking/talking sexually towards me. It's ironic because he, even in these recent back and forth's for the past few days, was saying how he thought at times I only wanted him for his body or sex. He said this before a long time ago, but of course that has never been true. I do have a higher sex drive, but wanting sex once or twice a week (give or take) I think is normal. I was out all day yesterday too and am leaving to go out today some more, to talk to those who are close to me and run errands. At times, I wonder if locking the bedroom door with me in it is immature or smart. I have to be at my place or sleep at some point.

 

I'm sorry but making sexual advances on you now is quite simply manipulative as is claiming that you just want him for his body....arrogant too...like wow.... He really thinks a lot of himself. Locking the door is smart and giving yourself some peace of mind and a clear message to him that you are not available or interested in his bs and advances. A bit too little too late for all that. He isn't accepting the break up, he is trying to turn it around and change your mind. If he accepted it, he'd leave you alone.