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Should I return gifts from his family?


Skatterbunny
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I have recently split up from my partner...during the time we were together his family had nothing to do with me. Anyway that's a story for another day. We have one daughter she is two years old. They give gifts to my partner to give her at xmas and her last birthday, but never bother to come see her and never request to spend time with her (even though I have never stopped my ex from taking her over to their house, they live ten minutes away). He rarely takes her to see his parents, and blames me for them not seeing her?? Her second birthday was five weeks ago, nobody from his family called to wish her happy birthday and nobody bothered to even post her a card. Tonight when I saw him he gave me some gifts from the parents and his Aunt. I'm really annoyed at their token attempt at being part of her life, because they are not. And why bother five weeks late? I want to box all the up and post it back to his parents with a note explaining that unless they want to actually BE part of her life then I feel it is wrong to accept gifts from strangers.

 

If they have some sort of problem with me then they should discuss it with me, not take it out on their only grand child by ignoring her. I find it extra confusing that they ignore her considering that its the only grand child they will ever get, he has one sister but she cant have children. I also wonder if that fact is a reason they stay away from my daughter? Maybe they feel making a big deal about our child is rubbing it in her face? But that in itself is confusing because they should love their son as much as their daughter and love the fact that he was able to have a family.

 

So how much damage am I gonna do by sending the gifts back? I really want to because the gifts just remind me of their absence and piss me off. All advice is appreciated. Thanks!

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Give the gifts to your daughter. They were bought for her, so all you'd be doing is denying her some nice gifts. She's not aware of any drama, she just wants/needs stuff.

 

The only person you'd be hurting is her.

 

Not sure what this feud is about, but you are using your daughter's gifts as a way to rub your "absence" in their face. She's 2. Give her the gifts.

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Don't return them.

 

They were meant for her, so give them to her to enjoy. At this point, she doesn't care who they are from. They will bring a smile to her face, which should be the most important right now.

 

I see your point about being angry and frustrated, but don't use this occasion to make your point. It's not fair to her.

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I agree with the others.

 

If you have a beef with your ex in laws, you should address it with them directly. Don’t involve your daughter. (Even if it’s kind of about her). Let her have the gifts.

 

Also, I mean, if you are asking them to be more loving and involved - it’s kind of counter-productive to turn away a gesture of love (the gifts are a loving gesture even if they are late).

 

I don’t know what the beef is about - and there is most certainly more to the story - but generally speaking you attract more bees with honey.

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Keep your child out of this. This is between you and them, not your child. Sending the gifts back would create drama and more animosity, and you will be the one to blame. You don't need to make this family situation more difficult than it already is. There's more background to this story, and I would say, err on the side of caution. Unless they are horrible and toxic people, there's no reason to stop this one form of love and generosity they are allowed to have. I have had grandparents I didn't see often, and I have an aunt I never see (and my kids have never met)...the gifts and cards are nice, regardless (there's no animosity there). You yourself could send cards and some gifts on your child's behalf as well, if your ex isn't doing it. You don't have to regularly see each other to form some sort of relationship. Why your ex doesn't encourage a better relationship for himself or his child is on him and whatever their family dynamic is. It's not your place to make it worse. Let your child determine how she wants to manage her relationship with them as she grows. Don't trash talk them. This is her family.

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Don't punish a child because you are angry and annoyed at him his family and the recent breakup.. They are her father's family and her relatives, like it or not.

 

It accomplishes nothing but hurting a 2 y/o child, making you look rude, bitter and particularly unhinged as well as using any excuse you can to send some sort of angry "message" to him and them using your child as a pawn to perpetuate drama.

 

A better approach is to go to court on behalf of your child and determine a child support amount and a visitation/custody schedule. Ignore them but do give gifts intended for your child to her.

We have one daughter she is two years old. They give gifts to my partner to give her at xmas and her last birthday
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Has your ex NEVER taken her to see them? Because the word you used was "rarely", which means they are NOT "strangers". And that means your argument that you are trying to teach her not to accept gifts from strangers doesn't hold water.

 

You want to send the gifts back to send a message to THEM, not as a teaching moment for your child. Be honest about your motives.

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I have recently split up from my partner...during the time we were together his family had nothing to do with me. Anyway that's a story for another day. We have one daughter she is two years old. They give gifts to my partner to give her at xmas and her last birthday, but never bother to come see her and never request to spend time with her (even though I have never stopped my ex from taking her over to their house, they live ten minutes away). He rarely takes her to see his parents, and blames me for them not seeing her?? Her second birthday was five weeks ago, nobody from his family called to wish her happy birthday and nobody bothered to even post her a card. Tonight when I saw him he gave me some gifts from the parents and his Aunt. I'm really annoyed at their token attempt at being part of her life, because they are not. And why bother five weeks late? I want to box all the up and post it back to his parents with a note explaining that unless they want to actually BE part of her life then I feel it is wrong to accept gifts from strangers.

 

If they have some sort of problem with me then they should discuss it with me, not take it out on their only grand child by ignoring her. I find it extra confusing that they ignore her considering that its the only grand child they will ever get, he has one sister but she cant have children. I also wonder if that fact is a reason they stay away from my daughter? Maybe they feel making a big deal about our child is rubbing it in her face? But that in itself is confusing because they should love their son as much as their daughter and love the fact that he was able to have a family.

 

So how much damage am I gonna do by sending the gifts back? I really want to because the gifts just remind me of their absence and piss me off. All advice is appreciated. Thanks!

Instead of doing that, why don't you call them and ask them if they'd like to see their grand daughter in person and open the door to them getting to know her?

 

It sounds like your ex is the one who is keeping her away from them and is blaming you for not seeing their GD.

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Well, wait a minute here. It was your ex who brought the presents over to you five weeks late. You don't know if the grandparents gave the gifts five weeks late. And it's your ex who is telling them you won't let them see their granddaughter. And what have you told the grandparents directly? What? You haven't called them?

 

Like ThatwasThen said, why don't you pick up the phone and call them? And ask them if they want to talk to their granddaughter. Ask them if they want to come over and see their granddaughter.

 

Don't act all hurt unless you've made the effort to talk to them.

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Well, wait a minute here. It was your ex who brought the presents over to you five weeks late. You don't know if the grandparents gave the gifts five weeks late. And it's your ex who is telling them you won't let them see their granddaughter. And what have you told the grandparents directly? What? You haven't called them?

 

Like ThatwasThen said, why don't you pick up the phone and call them? And ask them if they want to talk to their granddaughter. Ask them if they want to come over and see their granddaughter.

 

Don't act all hurt unless you've made the effort to talk to them.

 

yeah they prob had the gifts on time but wouldnt have bothered to drive them over to her or to him. big effort hey, they only live ten mins up the road.

 

Its a really weird thing with his family, and im sure its all on my ex. Im certain that he has demonsied me to them to make himself look like the victim in the fight we had early on in our relationship. He used to run home to his mother acting like i was some evil person who for no reason at all had just tossed him out of the house and i was mentally ill. I saw texts on his phone saying basically that to her, when in reality i had tossed him out of the house because he had been caught out telling me some major lies and when i confronted him about them he smashed up my entire house and pushed me down the stairs while i was pregnant. But no mention of that to mum and dad i bet. Since that fight they have never spoken to me. We were all supposed to go on holidays together before the baby arrived and the week we were supposed to fly to melbourne the holiday was suddenly cancelled (well cancelled for him and me..they still went) and he told me his mother had cancelled our tickets because she thought i was too pregnant and that I prob wouldnt want to go. But i have a feeling it was him who cancelled the holiday out of fear that i would tell his parents what really happened as I'm a very truthful person and his bull stories would have come to light...which he would never cope with. he has taken our daughter over to their house maybe three times in two years.

 

i made contact with his mother about a month ago .sent her a text asking what the problem was and why they are having nothing to do with their grandchild. i said im happy to sort out what ever issues they have as i dont want them missing out on her life. I did not even get a text back.

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Give the gifts. Really tacky to return gifts.

 

Be the bigger person. You should also thank them for the gifts.

 

What should i write on the card? Thanks for having nothing to do with your only grandchild ? I have told my ex i will never stop them seeing her and they are more than welcome to come see her or take her over for a visit or out or whatever. I tried to contact his mother a month ago asking what the problem was and i'd be more than happy to talk and sort it out and she never even replied to my texts.

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Some grandparents are fine with seeing a grandchild once or twice a year, and sending presents, even in cases where there aren't complicating factors. It may not be anything other than this is the level of involvement they want.

 

Why all this bitterness on your part towards them? Why are you attempting to contact them?

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What should i write on the card? Thanks for having nothing to do with your only grandchild ?.

Dare I say this really comes across as very immature. What's wrong with simple courtesy and good manners? After all, they DID think of your daughter and sent gifts.

Be an adult, act mature and be gracious about it. Nothing ever wrong with saying "Thank you for the gifts". A little respect, self-respect and common courtesy go a long way, including giving your child a good example of good manners.

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Dare I say this really comes across as very immature. What's wrong with simple courtesy and good manners? After all, they DID think of your daughter and sent gifts.

Be an adult, act mature and be gracious about it. Nothing ever wrong with saying "Thank you for the gifts". A little respect, self-respect and common courtesy go a long way, including giving your child a good example of good manners.

 

^^^ Exactly.

 

Simply write "Thank you for the gifts".

 

If you want to be nicer, than write that your daughter will really enjoy the ___, as she's just now learning to use that! Or something similar.

 

Or a simple "Thank you for the gifts" is a nice thing to do.

 

Who cares if they are x, y, or z type of people. You aren't, and you're not raising your daughter to be like that, are you?

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Some grandparents are fine with seeing a grandchild once or twice a year, and sending presents, even in cases where there aren't complicating factors. It may not be anything other than this is the level of involvement they want.

 

Yep. Especially if the kid's parents are fighting or breaking up. Some grandparents know how to step up for the kids, while others view the situation as a minefield they'd rather not walk into.

 

Sending an UNcharged thank you opens the door to future stability and involvement. Sending bitterness squelches that potential at child's expense.

 

If you want your baby's extended family involved in her life in the future, then YOU need to be the adult who can rise above the battleground and pave the way for that to happen by how you behave today.

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  • 1 month later...

Why not send a thank you card for the gifts and suggest (kindly) that a get together be arranged? Or ask if they'd like to spend some time with her? (Maybe babysit?) the parents are almost always going to side with their son. And believe me I one what it's like to be slandered about. But nobody can take away facts. If you always behave with dignity and courtesy, they will know that in their heart of hearts and it is like coals of fire. The only thing that matters here is your child. And it would be nice for her to have her dad's grandparents if possible. If they don't respond, you will know you tried.

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What should i write on the card? Thanks for having nothing to do with your only grandchild ? I have told my ex i will never stop them seeing her and they are more than welcome to come see her or take her over for a visit or out or whatever. I tried to contact his mother a month ago asking what the problem was and i'd be more than happy to talk and sort it out and she never even replied to my texts.

 

But what the ex tells THEM could be totally different than what you tell him to tell them. Why on earth in this child's life have YOU not reached out to her grandparents -- my mom reached out to my dad's family all the time to let them know of a birthday party, etc. Unless you are a "baby momma" and didn't really have a relationship with your ex which is not true, I would say you are 25% responsible for them not having a relationship with your child for not doing the simple things like that -- an invite, a card or gift from the child to the grandparents at Christmas. I think asking someone by text "what is your problem?" is not productive. I KNOW you didn't say it like that but asking someone what the problem is can be quite confrontational-sounding. You should have invited the grandparents out to lunch at a kid friendly place for lunch with you and your child instead of sending a confrontational message

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