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Please for the love of God I do not need anyone to judge me for this because I am terrified so if you are only here to post a sarky comment, please don't. I understand fully I should have been more responsible in advance.

 

So I had a friend with benefits for a few months, no feelings there, he ended up getting a girlfriend and we've still kinda remained just friends. I've just found out I'm pregnant and it's his. He was very much a guy who "Didn't want kids yet and wanted to travel the world" and I am completely the same. My issue is that I don't know if I should tell him or not? As awful as it sounds I'll be having an abortion, this isn't the right time for me to have children. I feel like I should tell him but I'm so scared he'll tell people and never want anything to do with me again... What should I do?

 

(Please do not judge me I really don't need that right now, yes I accept I was irresponsible and stupid I do not need anyone to point that out, I'm only looking for advice on whether I should tell him or not, that is it) TIA

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I vote you don't tell him. Just do what you're going to do and stop talking to him. Get on with your life and Leave him to his girlfriend, get yourself on proper birth control after your procedure and make sure even if you are on BC that the guy wears a rubber.

 

If you're not having the baby you don't need to tell him you're aborting but you do need to get him out of your life and leave him to his new girlfriend.

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Not being snarky but come on. There is literally no reason to tell him. Youre kinda making a mountain out of a molehill. You said you KNOW he doesnt want children and he will publicly shame you if he knew so what good would it be to tell him? The only reason i could think is because of hopes he will want to keep it and be with you, but you say there were no feelings so again, really dont see the need to tell him. Save yourself the potential emotional turmoil, you are going to need it to go through this process. Surround yourself with loved ones who will support you. Leave him out of it.

 

I wish you luck. I really do.

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My reason for wanting to tell him was actually for my own peace of mind, not in the hopes he'd be with me. I am very happy for him and that is also another reason why I wasn't sure if I should tell him because I know how happy he is and I couldn't bring myself to destroy that.

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My reason for wanting to tell him was actually for my own peace of mind, not in the hopes he'd be with me. I am very happy for him and that is also another reason why I wasn't sure if I should tell him because I know how happy he is and I couldn't bring myself to destroy that.

 

Of course it's your call, but I wouldn't tell him.

 

On the other hand, since you're both equally responsible for the use of BC, and if you do choose to tell him, keep in mind that this did a number on you as well, and it's not all about him.

 

All the best...

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I vote you don't tell him. Just do what you're going to do and stop talking to him. Get on with your life and Leave him to his girlfriend, get yourself on proper birth control after your procedure and make sure even if you are on BC that the guy wears a rubber.

 

If you're not having the baby you don't need to tell him you're aborting but you do need to get him out of your life and leave him to his new girlfriend.

 

This good advice!

 

Good luck, I hope it all works out!

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I am going to disagree with the majority here and say that I think that the right thing to do is tell the other person who procreated with you. Even if he doesn't care, even if you already know you will abort, even if he changes your mind, etc. He deserves to know.

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I wouldn't tell him - given the situation, it's your choice to terminate the pregnancy.

 

Alternatively, postpone telling him until much later - a couple of years - by which time you may not even be friends anymore, and it won't matter.

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I know my answer won't be useful but on a "moral" level I think he should know as he had his part in this but on a practical level I don't think that telling him will bring anything good or beneficial to the situatuation.

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Yes I didn't understand what that has to do with anything or with the situation at hand.

 

Well, I'm trying to figure out if he is really happy with this other girl or whether he's just putting on an act. I'm also trying to figure out if the OP actually had feelings for the FWB or whether he just used her. And whether she has self-esteem issues.

 

In my situation, I could never sleep with someone I didn't like and therefore, I would want to know and stand by and support my girlfriend whether she got an abortion or not.

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Well, I'm trying to figure out if he is really happy with this other girl or whether he's just putting on an act. I'm also trying to figure out if the OP actually had feelings for the FWB or whether he just used her. And whether she has self-esteem issues.

 

In my situation, I could never sleep with someone I didn't like and therefore, I would want to know and stand by and support my girlfriend whether she got an abortion or not.

 

But she wasn't his girlfriend.

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Thank you ever so much for all of your advice you've all been wonderful and it has brought some comfort.

 

DanZee I appreciate where you are coming from I really do but,

 

- He is a friend and I am very happy for him and his new relationship she's a lovely girl and he deserves nothing but happiness.

 

- Our whole agreement was mutual, just sex, no feelings involved. Neither of us wanted that with each other and we were both incredibly clear on that.

 

- I one billion percent do not have self esteem issues in the slightest and I never have, I don't understand how this even comes into context in all honesty.

 

We'd both had bad experience with relationships and decided to have the benefits of a relationship without being in a relationship and that worked perfectly fine for the both of us. I was very happy for him when he told me he'd found someone and I'd also gone to him about guy problems previously.

 

On the other hand I've slept on it and I feel more and more like the right thing to do would be to tell him, he does have a right to know as it does take two to Tango! Given I'm absolutely terrified of telling him but it feels like the right thing to do!!

 

Thank you ever so much to everyone has given advice, you truly are all amazing and I couldn't be more grateful for the support 💕

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I’m going to disagree with the majority.

 

Morally I think he has the right to know, whether or not you are reasonably certain of his position and whether or not you are reasonably certain of yours.

 

I don’t think it has to be a big drama or anything - but even a simple conversation to say “hey! This happened and since we’ve discussed it before, this is what i’m going to do about it. Just thought you had the right to know. How about that weather these days?”

 

It’s half his. Even if you know the outcome, he has the right to knowledge, and his feelings, and impacts of knowing this happened (maybe he’ll be more careful with birth control in future), etc.

 

If he goes around gossiping after, he’s really gossiping about himself - he also had unprotected sex.

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I know my answer won't be useful but on a "moral" level I think he should know as he had his part in this but on a practical level I don't think that telling him will bring anything good or beneficial to the situatuation.

 

I have the same thoughts. It's up to you, but either way I believe is justified in their own right. To tell him because he helped procreate this life growing inside of you now (he has legal, paternal rights if it is born, despite you wanting to abort) and he may want to keep the baby (many don't want to be parents at the time, but believe in pro-life, hence you'll be denying him the right to voice his choice). Then there's not to tell him because of all of the other posters' reasons mentioned already.

 

Honestly, if it was me, I would probably tell him. That's a big secret to keep. If I was a man, I would want to know how many women I have impregnated, despite her wanting an abortion. Personally, I would want to contribute in voicing my choice (you didn't state your friend was pro-choice or pro-life, just he didn't want a kid right now) and have the knowledge of how you became pregnant. I wouldn't want to go on thinking I definitely didn't get anyone pregnant with the sexual precautions I have (or not) taken previously. It goes without saying, knowing you made someone pregnant who then aborted the baby would make me more cautious in the future and use better protection (with a current or future sexual partner). In the end, there are certainly a few reasons to tell him.

 

Whatever you do, please don't tell him after you've aborted it years later. That would be devastating and would make him feel powerless; it won't go well and this information will at that point be rendered practically useless. He may learn to be more cautious, but he likely will forget or be dumbfounded about how it happened rather than learning from it.

 

Regardless, I think it would be wise to cut off this friend, out of respect. He has a girlfriend now and you two have no business being friends anymore. Being friends with someone you used to have sex with as a taken person is not classy, so it is best to stay out of their life, especially being pregnant from the situation. Remaining friends leaves the potential to create problems. You can do the slow fade or whatever else you feel comfortable with. I think your friend would be more understanding of an immediate cutoff if you decide to tell him about the baby, definitely after the abortion is successful.

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"Peace of mind" is not what will get from telling him. Once you disclose it, there are a host of things and sequelae which can occur that you will have no control over. It could get extremely messy. It is not as if you had a relationship.

 

He may get upset, feel manipulated, feel you suddenly have this 'news' so soon after he got a gf, view it as a ploy, etc. Fact is you just don't know how he will react. So if you are resolute in your decision then confide in trusted friends, family, your doctor, etc. Unless you want financial or emotional support, both of which he does not have to offer.

My reason for wanting to tell him was actually for my own peace of mind.
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