How to let myself feel

[Heartfixed23]

Thank you to the few that have responded to my previous post.

 

[1] I have never been that emotional of a person. Since a young adult I have had the ability to compartmentalize, in extreme ways, people, experiences and emotions. In some situations, this has proven to be an effective way at protecting myself and advancing my goals however in other situations it produces thinking that is robotic in nature.

 

[2] This trait began to develop after several of my friends passed away and has completely taken over my ability to empathize with others. This is not to say that I don't care about others, instead, it should be interpreted as me putting how I feel on the back burner; kind of like a light switch that turns off and on at will.

 

[3] For those who read or responded to my previous post, this trait can be problematic insomuch that it often gets in the way of dialogue that may contribute to the reconciliation of my relationship. It gets in the way because it does not allow me to reflect on, during communication, on how she may be feeling and instead it directs the focus towards the best possible solutions, in my view, to the problems.

 

Questions

 

[1] Is ok to be like this? Meaning, what is life without being able to experience feelings, both yours and others, in their entirety?

 

[2] In the brief moments that I do feel something about the end of the relationship, it evaporates as quickly as it arises. Is there anything that I can do just let those feelings stick around for a while?

 

**I love to write about what I am thinking. I am posting something that I wrote shortly after the breakup and yes this is how I really think. Please refrain from calling me a sociopath/psychopath***

 

“…the saddest part is that I started to believe in hope. You see, for a brief moment I allowed myself to be vulnerable; open to the potential for a future where realities complexity, a complexity that arises from the intersecting of thought and feeling, posses the strength to deify misplaced confusion in its most transcendent and damaging form. I don’t want that future. I don’t want a future that is wholly, or even partly, dependent on a confusion that does not recognize the incompatibility of its own existence… Hope? Hope only exists when and where there is little to no desire to acquiesce to the demands of reality. Hope, in its most purified form, only seeks to personify and make real the misrepresentation of our own deficiencies of character that we seek to not have revealed; masking behind its intent, a dishonesty that capitulates to the higher value that we attach to expectations of external sources of personal validation.”

[Wiseman2]

It's fine to be this way. However since it seems to be causing you distress or seems to be interfering with interpersonal interactions, it may be best to be evaluated by a neurologist and get a referral to a therapist. Many neurological situations that create the symptoms you describe first manifest in the late teens/early twenties.

Since a young adult I have had the ability to compartmentalize, in extreme ways, people, experiences and emotions. In some situations, this has proven to be an effective way at protecting myself and advancing my goals however in other situations it produces thinking that is robotic in nature. and has completely taken over my ability to empathize with others.

[bluecastle]

It's perfectly okay to feel this way—just one shade of the wild spectrum of humanity, and a unique thing about you, something that makes you special, not flawed.

 

That said, it sounds like you're frustrated with it, as if you recognize feelings you're having but are unable to fully feel them. That's really common, too. Like there's a room inside of you that you want to explore, but you can't find the light switch.

 

Me, I've always been pretty articulate when it comes to talking about my feelings, but it was through therapy that I learned that I was relying a lot on the language of feeling to avoid the weight of them. A kind of intellectual coping mechanism, you could say, and one that didn't serve me so well in relationships. Sensitive as I was, I was also holding back, not being vulnerable in the ways needed to connect (with others, with myself) to sustain things long term.

 

A year of therapy helped me get to some of the roots of all that, and in doing so I learned the importance of letting feelings run their full course before wrestling them into some "compartment" through language. I learned to cry, you could say, and it was kind of a revelation. I no longer felt like there was this deep thing (feelings) pulsing under the floorboards, dying to get out. It helped me feel a lot freer, more open, less in my head and more connected to my heart.

 

I'd suggest seeing a therapist, something I believe can do everyone a world of good in helping to get to know our full selves. You're so clearly NOT a sociopath/psychopath—your posting here, I think, because you're actually feeling quite a bit but just don't quite know how to access them all. That's a bold step, and a vulnerable one.

[Heartfixed23]

I have tried therapy on many occasions; it has not worked for me. I guess what I really want is to be with someone who can expect the worst but plan for the best; in short I want to be with someone who is fully accepting of the fact that emotions, for me, are only a fleeting thought.

[Heartfixed23]

Even when so far to attempt Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

[bluecastle]

I have tried therapy on many occasions; it has not worked for me. I guess what I really want is to be with someone who can expect the worst but plan for the best; in short I want to be with someone who is fully accepting of the fact that emotions, for me, are only a fleeting thought.

 

Interesting. It sounds like a lot of this searching is connected to a breakup, yes?

 

While breakups trigger a lot of reflection, much of it good, the truth is that sometimes it's just as simple as two people not mixing well. Almost like chemicals: mix these two and things are stable, but mix these others and there's volatility, foam bubbling up, beakers cracking.

 

In the immediate aftermath of a breakup we often chastise ourselves: what we could have done differently, what we could have given that we didn't, where we messed up. In other words, we're trying to figure out how to mix those chemicals without the explosion. And that's productive. But then as we reclaim ourselves we connect to even more important questions: what we can't give another, and don't want another to expect from us, to need. We understand our own chemical mixture, in other words, and seek out those that mix well.

 

So, keep working on yourself—that's the forever stuff, the life stuff, as we're all wonderful works in progress until the last breath. But it sounds like beneath your questions there's also something simpler: just the desire to be seen and accepted for who you are, which maybe you were not in your last relationship. That happens. Not your fault, not anyone's. That more accepting person—that better chemical—is out there.

[Wiseman2]

None of that will work of you are dealing with neurological issues, which from your descriptions and writing style could suggest.

Even when so far to attempt Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

[Heartfixed23]

Not really, it just that I see everyone else writing about how they are sad etc; I just want a solution the problem.

[Pleasedonot5]

You should speak to a therapist about struggling with empathy post-trauma. You may have become numb to the concept of loss. You may also not value romantic relationships as much as others.

 

 

Answers:

 

1) Yes, it's ok. You aren't a robot.

2) Are you accepting feelings? Are you understanding what this loss means? This person is gone, potentially forever. Out of your grasp. Your relationship with them is now memories. Plus, you might have screwed something up. Your actions may have caused this person to be not yours, lost, and just memories. Do you accept any of those thoughts, if they are applicable? If you have those thoughts and understand them, do you feel any sadness, regret, or anger?

_______

I think your thoughts about hope are narrow and non-exhaustive, by the way; hope is about much more than hiding one's imperfections. Hope for a better future or hope to be better and working to better oneself are not mutually exclusive.

 

It's better to be more human; it's better to allow yourself be imperfect. Acknowledge your own deficiencies. Doing so will help you relate to others and to live a happier, more fulfilled life.

 

You only have one life, as far as you know. Better to maximize your happiness throughout life, than to strive for an inane, idyllic goal of corrective self-affirmation and non-conformity. Hope, vulnerability, is high-risk, high-reward, and is a way to become happier. Consistently looking forward to something - as opposed to fearing something - is a better way to enjoy life.

[Heartfixed23]

(1) Thank you

(2) I am accepting feelings? I am not sure what you mean. As it relates to understanding what this loss means, I guess I do; I have not really put much effort into understanding what it means. It means that she is gone I guess. I really don't hold onto memories. As for the sadness, regret, or anger; not really its more like a logic puzzle that at times I want to figure out.

[IAmFCA]

Am not much of a feeler --- but in truth, I feel a lot! But I make decisions based on my sense of logic, not how I feel. I had to learn empathy; I had to learn how to hear my own voice, I had to learn to notice the split second of emotion that happens before my coping skills kick in.

 

I was raised in a loving home that for me, was also overwhelming. Feelings pretty quickly drown my ability to process, in part because they trigger fight/flight responses in my brain. This is true at work, in relationships, whatever. Logic and problem solving makes me feel safe.

 

Perhaps practice small instances of dispute resolution, to prove that feelings don't have to be destabilizing?

[Pleasedonot5]

(1) Thank you

(2) I am accepting feelings? I am not sure what you mean. As it relates to understanding what this loss means, I guess I do; I have not really put much effort into understanding what it means. It means that she is gone I guess. I really don't hold onto memories. As for the sadness, regret, or anger; not really its more like a logic puzzle that at times I want to figure out.

1) welcome

2) You may not be sure what I mean, because you do not understand the full gravity of the situation. Someone is gone forever in the way you knew them. If you want to let yourself feel, then hold onto the memories. Think of the good times. Think how much you enjoyed them. Then think, why, (due to your actions?) they are now gone. If only you could have them back....

 

If that doesn't hurt a little, then perhaps there weren't as many good times in your relationship as you think there were. Perhaps you need to find a different kind of relationship with someone more like you. Or, perhaps you need some other form of fulfilment entirely, beyond that of a relationship.

[Heartfixed23]

Dispute resolution....I went through things like that. It always ended up with me walking out or having to take a break. The reality is that 9/10 when conflict arises I don't want to hear about how you feel; it does not matter. What matters is a solution. If no solution is forthcoming then there is little need to discuss anything any further. The thing is that I know that this may be perceived to be problematic, however, that is not of any consequence to me. I am more then willing to let people go; after all, it is their life. My attitude can be summed up as follows:

 

If you do not want to play ball take your bat and go home. I am more than comfortable enough to throw my ball against the wall.

[Heartfixed23]

I always wanted to swim with great white sharks lol

[Heartfixed23]

1) welcome

2) You may not be sure what I mean, because you do not understand the full gravity of the situation. Someone is gone forever in the way you knew them. If you want to let yourself feel, then hold onto the memories. Think of the good times. Think how much you enjoyed them. Then think, why, (due to your actions?) they are now gone. If only you could have them back....

 

If that doesn't hurt a little, then perhaps there weren't as many good times in your relationship as you think there were. Perhaps you need to find a different kind of relationship with someone more like you. Or, perhaps you need some other form of fulfilment entirely, beyond that of a relationship.

 

There were plenty of good memories. She constantly sends me pictures of our memories; she was always in charge of that because, well, I don't really hold onto "memories".

[IAmFCA]

Dispute resolution....I went through things like that. It always ended up with me walking out or having to take a break. The reality is that 9/10 when conflict arises I don't want to hear about how you feel; it does not matter. What matters is a solution. If no solution is forthcoming then there is little need to discuss anything any further. The thing is that I know that this may be perceived to be problematic, however, that is not of any consequence to me. I am more then willing to let people go; after all, it is their life. My attitude can be summed up as follows:

 

If you do not want to play ball take your bat and go home. I am more than comfortable enough to throw my ball against the wall.

 

 

Yes, I understand this. For context, I remember breaking up with someone when I was young, and dismissing his emotions with, "Nobody our age stays together anyway." Was just logic to me.

 

There is no reason for you to judge yourself as better or worse because of your thought pattern. Not to judge others for their thought pattern. Think about that: other people think differently, and their way is also valid (i did not agree with this, in my younger years, but its true.)

 

Think about how you process conflict as a set of skills.

 

Read about Myers Briggs, perhaps, which deals with this exact issue. Some of us use different logical constructs to make decisions, and the different approaches are useful in different ways.

[Heartfixed23]

Yes, I understand this. For context, I remember breaking up with someone when I was young, and dismissing his emotions with, "Nobody our age stays together anyway." Was just logic to me.

 

There is no reason for you to judge yourself as better or worse because of your thought pattern. Not to judge others for their thought pattern. Think about that: other people think differently, and their way is also valid (i did not agree with this, in my younger years, but its true.)

 

Think about how you process conflict as a set of skills.

 

Read about Myers Briggs, perhaps, which deals with this exact issue. Some of us use different logical constructs to make decisions, and the different approaches are useful in different ways.

 

The region that I used to live in paid for me to take that and many other tests. As it relates to the Myers-Briggs I flat-line on emotions. I have the generated report t.o certify this; it was a pretty long and interesting read. I am an INTJ. I have also taken Hares test but I will not get into that.

[IAmFCA]

The region that I used to live in paid for me to take that and many other tests. As it relates to the Myers-Briggs I flat-line on emotions. I have the generated report t.o certify this; it was a pretty long and interesting read. I am an INTJ. I have also taken Hares test but I will not get into that.

 

Your INTJ-ness was obvious to me straight away. First time I tested, I scored zero "F". Later I scored 3 "F".

 

I have focused on growing my skills in this area and the results have been significant. Your example that in disputes you end up walking out - me too. Not an effective tool, though, for developing connections, team players, employees, intimacy, and relationships. It is important to develop a broader skill set.

 

ETA: Can you accept the idea that other ways of processing decisions are valid? I have struggled with this. It helps me to think that some people get to the conclusion using a different path, then I try to understand a different path.

[Wiseman2]

Has that been implied by people because of the lack of empathy?

Please refrain from calling me a sociopath/psychopath.

[IAmFCA]

When I dated an INTJ, it helped that he told me what he is and isn't good at, and how he communicates in general. It didn't help that he kept his intentions to himself, which I understand but also undermined my ability to trust. I know him to be trustworthy; also to be somewhat rigid, as if he understands better than others.

 

He is right about many many things. But wrong by a long shot when he is wrong, because he dismisses the voices of others who think differently.

 

If you can find the logic in others' thinking, you will gain awareness that is almost otherworldly.

[endy]

To the OP... you want to feel or understand? Check out books by the guy in my signature. We are emotional creatures and it is all built into us. What trauma caused you not to feel? Were you always like this? I understand that may be the case, but I think if you reach deep enough you'll find out it's not. Was this different before or after whatever caused the potential PTSD? Sometimes it just takes the right therapist.

[momonthego20]

This is "your" way of feeling and dealing with circumstances, relationships, etc. Everyone deals with life differently. Every society, culture, family structure, etc has behavior "norms". There isn't anything wrong with you just because you don't follow the "norms". The issue lies in that you don't like feeling this way. It also seems to be impacting how you function in various areas of your life. If this is the case, scheduling time to meet with a therapist could be very helpful. I would love the opportunity to get rid of the feelings I have been having for over four years now toward my husband who pretty much walked out of our marriage. The feelings I have today are almost as fresh as they were four years ago. Yes I am glad for the experience because I have grown because of it but four years ago, when I found out some devastating news about my husband, I would have loved to have skipped the feelings of rage, pain, rejection, hurt, etc. and instead would have welcomed a more carefree noncombative and emotionless reaction so that I could have moved on with my life more quickly. Your defense mechanisms are there to protect you and yes they can sometimes hinder you or cause issues in relationships but at the heart of the matter, your intentions are good: to protect yourself.

[endy]

This is "your" way of feeling and dealing with circumstances, relationships, etc. Everyone deals with life differently. Every society, culture, family structure, etc has behavior "norms". There isn't anything wrong with you just because you don't follow the "norms". The issue lies in that you don't like feeling this way. It also seems to be impacting how you function in various areas of your life. If this is the case, scheduling time to meet with a therapist could be very helpful. I would love the opportunity to get rid of the feelings I have been having for over four years now toward my husband who pretty much walked out of our marriage. The feelings I have today are almost as fresh as they were four years ago. Yes I am glad for the experience because I have grown because of it but four years ago, when I found out some devastating news about my husband, I would have loved to have skipped the feelings of rage, pain, rejection, hurt, etc. and instead would have welcomed a more carefree noncombative and emotionless reaction so that I could have moved on with my life more quickly. Your defense mechanisms are there to protect you and yes they can sometimes hinder you or cause issues in relationships but at the heart of the matter, your intentions are good: to protect yourself.

 

 

Yeah, I don't agree with this. Fear is the opposite of love which is what protecting yourself is. That's not getting to the root of the issue in that case. I don't really believe in wrong or rights... just experience, but at the root of all dysfunction is fear and not love. Emotions are a universal thing and it is a human beings feeling system. Everyone deals with them in different ways, but there are wrong ways to deal with them and right ways.

 

 

Who we are and how we are raised as children and what we experience greatly effects our lives. We are delicate, yet resilient. There is reason to feel pain, as that signals us emotionally that there is a lesson to be learned and therefore growth usually takes place. Sometimes it is ignored and experienced again, again, and again in a pattern. I don't think in time you'll love to have skipped those feelings as something better can still come of it.