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Out of nowhere breakup


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We've been seeing each other for about 8 months. Overall I think we're really good together, we have fun and make each other laugh but can also have good conversations. When we started dating he was 3 months out of a relationship I was about a year. He has some depression and sometimes needs time alone which has been tough but we always worked through it. We had some issues earlier with him not wanting a monogamous relationship but we had worked through it and found a compromise that worked for us. Everything had been going really well, we went camping together, we have tickets to concerts together in the fall and he even talked about us getting a place together when my lease is up next spring. Then last night we were at the gym and part way through he just got really down and said he didn't want to work out anymore so we left and starting walking back to my place and he said he felt like he had no goals in life anymore and he just wanted to be alone and that included me. So he went back to his place and I figured he was just having an off night.

 

Tonight we had a dodgeball game (we're on the same rec team) so I asked if we could meet before and walk over together and he said sure but he wanted to be alone tonight. So I asked what was going on and if he could tell me how he was feeling and he said he just wanted to be alone and I asked if that meant not being with me and not seeing each other any more and he said that's not what he said he just wanted to be alone. And I know I should have left it and been like ok if you need some space go for it but instead I was like no, you don't get to off and have time while I sit around wondering if you want to be with me. That's not fair to me. Do you want to be with me or not. So he said no he didn't think he did but how about we take a week and he'd see if he missed me or not. Which just made me worse and I cried and begged a little (not as much as my last relationship, I've learned a little at least) and said I didn't want to wait a week, I just wanted to be together. And then it just kept disintegrating and he said he just didn't want to be together anymore. So I said ok take a couple a days and he said he didn't need them, he just didn't want to be with me anymore, he needed to be alone. I asked him what happened and begged a little more (I know, I know, I really did try) but he wouldn't budge so finally I just walked home. He said he doesn't think we make each other better and he doesn't love me anymore. But I don't understand, like we had just had a conversation less than a week ago where he told me how much better I make his life and how upset he would be if we broke up and how happy I make him.

 

I just don't know what happened, like everything was going so well and we were so happy, we see each other almost every day. But now I think maybe that's the problem? But we're always having fun and enjoying each other's company and yes sometimes we get in fights but we are always quick to work them out. I just feel like if I had let it go and been like cool, do you for a couple days this wouldn't have happened. And I'm hoping that in a couple of days he'll calm down and realize... I don't even know.... Realistically I don't think he will but I'm still holding on hope.

 

I know I don't have a specific question, all my friends are away on vacations before the start of a new academic year so I just need someone to talk to and maybe some words of encouragement. Please don't be too hard on me, I just feel like how am I back here again....

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Just looked over your prior thread. Were you ever really together? I am sorry for your pain but the writing was on the wall months ago. If someone wants to see other people and you want to be monogamous they are not a good fit for you. I hope you will leave him be and work through the issues that led you to accept such an arrangement when it’s not what you really wanted. Look at this as an opportunity for a fresh start for yourself.

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Yes we were, I know I posted about him going on a trip April and that post was kind of what I was referring to with him not wanting to be monogamous but he came home from the trip after barely talking and told me the time apart made him realize he loved me and wanted to be with me and we've been together since then.

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I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. But it sounds like neither of you quite felt secure in this for a long time, and both of you were bending a bit outside of your authentic selves to make it work. That's never sustainable.

 

He felt safe and secure maybe wanting something lighter, not rushed to be defined as exclusive, which makes sense given that he was fresh out of something. You needed the opposite, from the sound of it, so you both tried to compromise a bit. But the truth is that people are either on the same frequency or they're not, though there are plenty of factors (good sex, companionship, the softening of the fear of being alone) that cause people to pretend they're secure when really they're not.

 

No one is in the wrong here, but reading your post it just doesn't sound like you guys are the right match right now. There's a lot of anxiety in your writing, which sounds like there's simply a level of comfort and assurance that he's not able to provide. And on some level it seems he knows this, so he's just not putting up a fight.

 

This is a good time for you to really look into yourself, what you want, what you need, so that you can be clear on that—to yourself, and then to others.

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I think there were red flags early on. He has issues with depression and I assume he retreats into his own world during those periods, and he also resisted committing to a monogamous relationship.

 

I realize he eventually agreed to it, but apparently it's not really what he wants. You and he have very different expectations, deep-down, and are probably not a good fit in the long-term.

 

I would do your best to let this one go. It doesn't appear that you have the fundamental compatibility that is necessary to sustain a long-term, exclusive relationship.

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