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Trying to forgive my boyfriend

taylork

By taylork
in Infidelity

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

Posted
Posted
Relationships can be very hard someitmes. The good thing is that he was completely honest with you about the situation. It is important to be honest in a relationship. Telling him that you still feel hurt about the situation can help him understand that you still feel the same way that you did when he told you. I hope everything gets better.

 

Honesty is important, but having good sense sometimes is more important. Having the boundaries and sense not to put yourself into a situation that you have to "come clean" and "be honest" about.

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shellyf62 Proficient

shellyf62

Posted
Posted
Relationships can be very hard someitmes. The good thing is that he was completely honest with you about the situation. It is important to be honest in a relationship. Telling him that you still feel hurt about the situation can help him understand that you still feel the same way that you did when he told you. I hope everything gets better.

 

How does she know he was "completely honest" ? Im sure he has left out a LOT of details.

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Honeycomb8 Veteran

Honeycomb8

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Posted

This isn't a mistake. There were several points he could have stopped and avoided being in the situation. Someone with a gf should not be having lunch with a former ex (without letting u know beforehand) and to go over to her place...?

 

I suspect he slept with her and someone either saw or knows, that's why he told u what he told you. Cuddling is cuddling, regardless of whether clothes were on or off, but you'd have to be naive to think it stopped at that.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

Posted
Posted
This isn't a mistake. There were several points he could have stopped and avoided being in the situation. Someone with a gf should not be having lunch with a former ex (without letting u know beforehand) and to go over to her place...?

 

I suspect he slept with her and someone either saw or knows, that's why he told u what he told you. Cuddling is cuddling, regardless of whether clothes were on or off, but you'd have to be naive to think it stopped at that.

 

It didn't stop at that - it involved a kiss.

 

At any rate, I think this comes down to is that it shows what his character is and to also believe him when he tells you he comes from a divorced family and marriage is not anywhere near on its radar. When you strongarm a man into being ready -- they may marry you, but it will be a fast divorce or will be unfaithful. He is showing you what you are in for.

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Honeycomb8 Veteran

Honeycomb8

Posted
Posted
So they went for drinks because she wanted to. Then they went to her home because she wanted to. Then they watched a movie because she wanted to.

 

Is he in the habit of allowing others to make all his decisions for him? He was unable to say the word "no"?

 

That girl wanted to show him her decor. How could he resist?

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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Posted

I agree with the others; this wasn't a mistake. It was a series of bad choices, and he had the option to say no, at several points. He chose not to, knowing what it could mean for his relationship. In my view, that isn't something to quickly overlook and chalk up to youthful indiscretion.

 

Yes, OP and her boyfriend are young and we know young folks don't always make the best decisions. However, I think that's why I would really look at the bigger picture, if I were OP, and what this behavior suggests about him and his investment in her. Her boyfriend isn't as committed to her as she thought and cannot be trusted the way she previously believed. It sucks, but clearly it's the new reality they're going to be dealing with, should they decide to stay together. Things won't quite return to the way they were, and as much as they might try, she won't forget this happened. This will change the dynamic of their relationship for long while, whether she wants it to or not.

 

She needs to remember that moving forward, whatever she decides to do. OP, I would caution you this: if you decide to stay with him, you have a lot of work to do, too. Why? You are going to have to be willing to eventually let this go and put your trust in his hands again. That is not an easy thing to do and will require quite an emotional dedication from you, probably over a long period of time. And yes, he is going to need to do a lot of heavy lifting to help you get there. But, sooner or later, you will have to find a way to make this okay with your own conscience, and accept that he did it. Do you feel you're up to that challenge?

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

Posted
Posted

She needs to remember that moving forward, whatever she decides to do. OP, I would caution you this: if you decide to stay with him, you have a lot of work to do, too. Why? You are going to have to be willing to eventually let this go and put your trust in his hands again. That is not an easy thing to do and will require quite an emotional dedication from you, probably over a long period of time. And yes, he is going to need to do a lot of heavy lifting to help you get there. But, sooner or later, you will have to find a way to make this okay with your own conscience, and accept that he did it. Do you feel you're up to that challenge?

 

I would agree if they were not fundamentally incompatible. She wants marriage and babies. Marriage is not on his radar and he hasn't processed through his family being a heavily divorced family. he has stated VERY CLEARLY that he is very far from ready for marriage so she needs to take note. If she wants to get married, she needs to find a man who WANTS marriage and kids and when he meets the right woman and they have dated for an appropriate length of time, etc, he will marry her.

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

Posted
Posted
She needs to remember that moving forward, whatever she decides to do. OP, I would caution you this: if you decide to stay with him, you have a lot of work to do, too. Why? You are going to have to be willing to eventually let this go and put your trust in his hands again. That is not an easy thing to do and will require quite an emotional dedication from you, probably over a long period of time. And yes, he is going to need to do a lot of heavy lifting to help you get there. But, sooner or later, you will have to find a way to make this okay with your own conscience, and accept that he did it. Do you feel you're up to that challenge?

 

I would agree if they were not fundamentally incompatible. She wants marriage and babies. Marriage is not on his radar and he hasn't processed through his family being a heavily divorced family. he has stated VERY CLEARLY that he is very far from ready for marriage so she needs to take note. If she wants to get married, she needs to find a man who WANTS marriage and kids and when he meets the right woman and they have dated for an appropriate length of time, etc, he will marry her.

 

Yes, I agree.

 

However, OP doesn't, seems to want to stay. We can tell her it's a bad idea, but in the end, she'll probably learn the hard way that this isn't the right guy.

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