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How to move forward when you know you've been in the wrong.


lightwelter
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I posted on here a few weeks ago after my ex girlfriend broke up with me, something I'm very much still trying to come to terms with. The relationship broke down while she was away travelling in Africa for 8 weeks. After about 1 week of being away, I could tell her tone had changed, and I knew I was losing her. Prior to her leaving, we were in a seemingly perfect position, very "loved up".

 

This was the second time in our relationship that she had suddenly ended things in our prime. When she went home for Christmas, the same thing happened, she suddenly felt different and ended things. About 6 weeks later, she came back to me, saying she missed me, and that she had made a mistake. Now 5 months later she's done the same again.

 

My problem was when she was away travelling in Africa I didn't give her enough space. I knew that something was wrong, and asked her what the problem was, and she replied saying "I feel the same way I did at Christmas". My ideal self would have ended the relationship there and then, because I felt messed around. But instead, I continued to message her every day, until the point where she was telling me to leave her alone (I know, I'm embarrassed with myself). I will say that I was very good to her throughout the relationship. I was 100% committed, I looked out for her, was there for her, and gave her a lot of support. I really tried to make her feel loved and appreciated. I was frustrated because I needed a little bit of support from her while she was away, literally a message to showed she still cared, but when I asked for reassurance I got nothing.

 

Now it's two weeks since we've split up and I still struggle not to give in to the temptation to message her, which always leads to arguments and stupid things being said. My problem is that I've lost dignity, damaged my sense of self-worth, and it kind of becomes a vicious cycle where I think 'oh, I've done the damage now already, nothing else will make this worse'. I think my anger and pain is justified because this is the second time she's suddenly ended things in what seemed to be our "honeymoon period", but I do feel a lot of shame and regret for the way I've acted.

 

Please no judgemental responses, but has anyone else been in a similar situation or have any thoughts on how to get passed these feelings of shame?

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I'm sorry you're going through this, lightwelter. However, I'm not quite sure why you're being so hard on yourself.

 

I think most people have been in a similar position post-breakup, where they know that the right thing to do is maintain no contact, however they give into this temptation to contact the ex. I think a lot of us have also given second chances to people who we now we wish we didn't.

 

Hindsight is 20/20.

 

The thing is, you didn't do anything wrong. You're human and we all give into temptation. There's no doubt in my mind that that this ex of yours has also found herself in the same boat. She broke up with you in December, asked for you back, then went away on an eight week trip (which is a long time to be away from your partner). You reached out and sensed something was up. Maybe you contacted her more than you should have, but you were trying to save what you felt was slipping away. Your emotions got the best of you. You're human. You didn't do anything wrong, so stop being so hard on yourself.

 

Just learn from this experience and move on.

 

I don't mean to sound cliche (so forgive me), but as time passes and you maintain no contact, you will feel better. The more you give into contacting her, the longer you'll prolong these negative feelings that you're experiencing. Trust me! I've been there before. We all have.

 

Stop contacting her. Block her. Focus on yourself and stop beating yourself about this.

 

Your feelings of shame will pass once you stop contacting her and over-thinking things.

 

You may not see this now, but one day you will look back on this and realize that what you did wasn't so bad and that you were being too hard on yourself.

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You're being really hard on yourself, OP.

 

There is no reason to be ashamed. You are human, you reacted when you felt her pulling away and approached this from a place of fear. It's not fun, but it's normal. Many people have been where you are. In time, that inner cringey feeling will dissipate.

 

It sounds to me like she outgrew the relationship a little while ago, and while she probably tried to make it work after you reconciled the first time, she realized her feelings just aren't the same anymore. It isn't necessarily because of something you did wrong.

 

EDIT: I went back and re-read your previous thread. This girl has been in contact with her and said some pretty unnecessarily hurtful things to you. Once you're past the initial pain, you will see the wrong she has done, and you will be glad to be rid of her.

Edited by MissCanuck
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I think what happened is relatively common. When your girlfriend was separated from you, she started thinking about the relationship and what she was feeling (or not feeling) for you. I had a girlfriend tell me that she never thought of me when she wasn't with me. I knew the relationship was doomed because I was thinking of her constantly. I think it's the same thing here. When you're taking her out, she's going along with it. When she goes away, she's like, oh, he's bothering me again.

 

So I think the relationship is over. Forget about begging her. Chances are, she won't tell you breaking up was a mistake again. Stay No Contact and start moving on.

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You haven't done anything permanently cringeworthy--just give her space now so you can collect yourself. I don't know your back story so I can't comment on how she treated you or any of that. I recommend looking up EFT (emotional freedom technique) on YouTube to help with the sense of embarrassment that you feel. It's an easy to learn, free, quick process to help with emotional issues even if it feels or looks awfully silly at first doing it.

 

I'm sorry that she broke up with you out-of-the-blue at the prime of your relationship. Sometimes people do this because they're emotionally unavailable for one reason or another (the outcome is the same, so it doesn't behoove you to analyze it further). I've had that happen to me once before and that's much more difficult to process than when things are on an obvious decline.

 

I think as long as you leave the situation now and stay classy without resorting to any name calling, no one can blame you for feeling upset or trying to pull her closer as she drifted away. That's a normal reaction when you really care for someone.

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Who is to say she would of wanted to stay with you anyway? I think she mentally checked out of the relationship before the trip and she used any excuse she could think of. You were in a no win situation. If you called too much, you didn't give her space, you called too little she would of said you didn't care. She was just waiting to pounce on anything you did. In other words, she wanted out.

 

Being caring, supportive are good traits to have so don't go thinking it was your doom. BTW.. we all make mistakes in relationships. No on here is perfect and I know I have made tons of mistakes and still continue to do them to this very day. What you have to do is learn from them. But as others said, don't beat yourself up. She was looking for a way out. So let her go.

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Who is to say she would of wanted to stay with you anyway? I think she mentally checked out of the relationship before the trip and she used any excuse she could think of. You were in a no win situation. If you called too much, you didn't give her space, you called too little she would of said you didn't care. She was just waiting to pounce on anything you did. In other words, she wanted out.

 

Being caring, supportive are good traits to have so don't go thinking it was your doom. BTW.. we all make mistakes in relationships. No on here is perfect and I know I have made tons of mistakes and still continue to do them to this very day. What you have to do is learn from them. But as others said, don't beat yourself up. She was looking for a way out. So let her go.

 

I think so too.

 

His previous thread indicates she'd been talking to her ex again. This was coming to end anyway, unfortunately.

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Thanks all, very good advice. Maybe I didn't react well but I do think it was natural for me to get emotional given that someone I loved deeply had suddenly had a change of heart for the second time. It's a shame when there is clearly a bond here, but we can't be friends after this because she's said things that have been too damaging. Really grateful for the supportive comments.

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