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Don't Want to Ghost


lifesatrip
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He sounds interested. 👍 He can't "manipulate" or "push" or "rush" you unless you allow it. Next time only order one drink or do something that doesn't involve either of you getting drunk again..

he didn't know where he stands toward me or something like that but enjoys time together etc.
Edited by Wiseman2
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Im still not reading this as sex made her pull back or that them moving too fast made her pull back. I just see glaring signs that his pulling away after their fooling around made her panic and go into defense mode. "I'm gonna hurt you before you hurt me." I dont see her pulling back having anything to do with her feelings for him, it seems shes smitten but again he pulled away a little after they fooled around and like it often happens in these situations, a girl who was intimate early and made herself vulnerable early, feels uneasy and anxiety goes into hyper drive.

 

I dont think anything should be done.

 

Well I take that back, I think OPer should learn who she is. If shes not a casual kind of girl, she shouldnt act now, panic later. In other words probably not going to be a good idea to lead with sex, cant handle it.

 

Cant really put the genie back in the bottle, all that can be done is quietly pull back and suggest more public dates, if he agrees awesome, if not disengage.

 

FWIW, I think things have potential. Just dont show the anxiety again, its going to come off to him like its coming off to us, confusing as h*ll

 

No, I wouldn't say this is accurate. It made me more relaxed that he wasn't trying to get in touch and move things forward too fast. (Of course some part of my brain has some anxiety wondering 'does he like me?') but I was not feeling smitten after that night together, was feeling super overwhelmed and a little panicked that it was moving super fast when we barely knew each other.

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I think I mentioned this but I had a feeling he would want to see you again. After only one date, his investment was not yet strong enough for him to get all bent because you were distant for a few days.

 

If anything, it intrigued him! As it did you on some level as well.

 

I am also glad you communicated how uncomfortable you were with the pace! By doing so, he now knows what's going on in your head, rather than guess about it.

 

Re his future talk, to me that's par for the course. Most of the men I have dated have done this, it means nothing and I usually let it go one ear and out the other. I judge by his actions, not words.

 

If I have any advice it's to not over-think, and let things develop slowly and organically.

 

And don't get drunk! Same for him. Suggest things to do that don't involve drinking.

 

By remaining sober and coherent, THAT is how you will determine how genuine he is. Alcohol tends to obscure things, causes us to say and behave in ways we might otherwise not when in our "right" frame of mind.

 

And lastly try and relax!! If you like him, fight the urge to run. Try "standing still" with him for awhile, take it slow (you have control over this) and see how you feel.

 

In time, you'll know if he's a good fit, someone to move forward with.

 

Good luck!

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No, I wouldn't say this is accurate. It made me more relaxed that he wasn't trying to get in touch and move things forward too fast. (Of course some part of my brain has some anxiety wondering 'does he like me?') but I was not feeling smitten after that night together, was feeling super overwhelmed and a little panicked that it was moving super fast when we barely knew each other.

 

Understood.

 

I don't know what you were feeling then when you wrote this post beyond panic.

 

Now that he's reached out that panic has subsided and you're thinking more clearly, possibly forgetting how you were talking a couple of days ago? Maybe?

 

All that aside, I agree about the whole getting drunk thing, not a good idea if you are tying to get to know someone, and you said you wanted to slow things down but then you're all over eachother again? How is intimacy going too fast if you're doing it again the second you're together? It's been three dates you know his tonsils more than you know about his life. I'm sorry if that's coming off harsh. I don't mean it to, again it's confusing as heck where your head seems to be at

 

But if it's working for you, that's all that matters. I'm glad you guys are back on track.

Edited by figureitout23
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I think I mentioned this but I had a feeling he would want to see you again. After only one date, his investment was not yet strong enough for him to get all bent because you were distant for a few days.

 

If anything, it intrigued him! As it did you on some level as well.

 

I am also glad you communicated how uncomfortable you were with the pace! By doing so, he now knows what's going on in your head, rather than guess about it.

 

Re his future talk, to me that's par for the course. Most of the men I have dated have done this, it means nothing and I usually let it go one ear and out the other. I judge by his actions, not words.

 

If I have any advice it's to not over-think, and let things develop slowly and organically.

 

And don't get drunk! Same for him. Suggest things to do that don't involve drinking.

 

By remaining sober and coherent, THAT is how you will determine how genuine he is. Alcohol tends to obscure things, causes us to say and behave in ways we might otherwise not when in our "right" frame of mind.

 

And lastly try and relax!! If you like him, fight the urge to run. Try "standing still" with him for awhile, take it slow (you have control over this) and see how you feel.

 

In time, you'll know if he's a good fit, someone to move forward with.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks, I appreciate your advice, it's another perspective to think about it from. He did say some other things though that have me questioning things. It seemed overly intense considering how long we have known each other. I'm feeling like there are red flags and warning signs but I don't know if I'm reading him correctly. If we do go out again I agree that it should be during day and no alchohol etc. :)

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Understood.

 

I don't know what you were feeling then when you wrote this post beyond panic.

 

Now that he's reached out that panic has subsided and you're thinking more clearly, possibly forgetting how you were talking a couple of days ago? Maybe?

 

All that aside, I agree about the whole getting drunk thing, not a good idea if you are tying to get to know someone, and you said you wanted to slow things down but then you're all over eachother again? How is intimacy going too fast if you're doing it again the second you're together? It's been three dates you know his tonsils more than you know about his life. I'm sorry if that's coming off harsh. I don't mean it to, again it's confusing as heck where your head seems to be at

 

But if it's working for you, that's all that matters. I'm glad you guys are back on track.

 

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if this is going to go further because I am feeling kind of wary.

 

To respond to your point, I wouldn't say the intimacy was nearly on the same level as the last time - was just hugging toward the end of the date and a tiny bit of kissing. The majority of the night we didn't touch really. That felt much more comfortable to me, but I am not sure if it's wise to keep dating him.

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Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if this is going to go further because I am feeling kind of wary.

 

To respond to your point, I wouldn't say the intimacy was nearly on the same level as the last time - was just hugging toward the end of the date and a tiny bit of kissing. The majority of the night we didn't touch really. That felt much more comfortable to me, but I am not sure if it's wise to keep dating him.

 

Im sorry its not going to go any further.

 

But good for you for recognizing when its time to disengage.

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I'm sorry too OP..

 

But before you run, look within to determine if you're running cause you truly feel he isn't the right fit, or due to your own fears of intimacy (emotional and physical) and closeness.

 

Why I ask is cause, to me, it seems odd how close you allowed yourself to become, then became scared and pushed back, wanted to be "friends" -- then after a bit of distance, your interest increased, and now after spending time together, kissing, hugging, are questioning it once again.

 

It appears you click with this man, have had a few great dates, so it's confusing for the reader (us).

 

How much dating experience have you had?

 

In my life, most of the men I have dated have come on strong. Some stronger than others but when attracted, they've come on strong and it's up to me to set the pace that is comfortable for me.

 

Not just the future talk, but in other ways as well. Again when men are attracted, they are hard-wired to come on strong initially.

 

Then they pull back a bit, come close, etc, it's a dance. It's all par for the course, perfectly natural and normal.

 

I don't know how strong he's coming on or what he's saying, and if it's too intense for you, it's certainly your right to end it.

 

Again, just be sure you're clear in your mind why, otherwise any time a man expresses strong attraction and interest, same thing will happen, it will become a pattern preventing you from ever finding the right man and relationship for you.

 

Just my take based on the limited info you've provided.

Edited by katrina1980
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I personally don't like the whole "hard wired/can't help it". They can just like women can help acting out during PMS mood swings. For example when my husband was courting me the second time around we had not had a real kiss yet. He bought me a beautiful necklace for my birthday and I wanted to wear it out to dinner. He put it on and I was sure he was going to go for the first real kiss then. He didn't -not until hours later. When I asked him later why he made that choice he said that he didn't want me to feel he was taking advantage of being close to me to put the necklace on to share our first kiss. I get very uncomfortable with the notion that men cannot control themselves - they can and do all the time when they choose to. Just like women. It just goes down the path of excusing a man for having non-consensual sex because the woman was too much of a "tease" etc. I was hard-wired- my instinct -was to pounce on my husband shortly after we met again and felt that spark. And I knew waiting would be the better approach for various reasons. So did he (because of external circumstances). I went to his place after dinner after seeing him for the first time after years - I made sure I'd get an invitation. And he says he really wanted to kiss me and knew again it wouldn't be the right thing to do - too soon. I didn't know he did at the time (but I did and I didn't try either for similar reasons).

 

Pretzel -if you are meeting men who typically come on too strong initially of course you can communicate your boundaries and in a way that doesn't put them off. But no they are not all like that even if they're feeling that rush - not even close.

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B, I didn't say men couldn't help it. Of course they can help how they behave, control it.

 

I only meant by nature they are hard-wired to come on strong when attracted, but agree they certainly have control how far they take it.

 

But again, we don't know how strong he is coming on, what he's saying or doing. He may simply be expressing interest, but due to her own fears, it's too intense and scares her.

 

What's also confusing is that when they are together, she responds, it's only afterwards she gets scared and starts questioning it, wants to run.

 

Hope that clarifies.

Edited by katrina1980
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B, I didn't say men couldn't help it. Of course they can help how they behave, control it.

 

I only meant by nature they are hard-wired to come on strong when attracted, but agree they certainly have control how far they take it.

 

But again, we don't know how strong he is coming on, what he's saying or doing. He may simply being expressing interest, but due to her own fears, it's too intense and scares her.

 

What's also confusing is that when they are together, she responds, it's only afterwards she gets scared and starts questioning it, wants to run.

 

Hope that clarifies.

 

Totally. The way you wrote it it was as if the men who came on strong with you were hard wired and couldn't help it. We all have strong desires especially sexual desires. And we all have choices and controle as to how to act in response.

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Totally. The way you wrote it it was as if the men who came on strong with you were hard wired and couldn't help it. We all have strong desires especially sexual desires. And we all have choices and controle as to how to act in response.

 

Yeah I could see how one could interpret it that way, but no that's not what I meant. :D

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