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Really into me, but not anymore? Very confusing


soconfused89
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Hi all,

 

Roughly a year ago a met a really nice guy. We hit it off right away and exchanged numbers. He tried multiple times to hang with me and take me on dates, but we never got a chance to do so. This was primarily my fault. I was fresh out of a relationship and had some baggage at the time. I didn't want to bring that into my next relationship so I was distant towards him (I did explain why). I took some time to myself and now I am good as new.

 

We bumped into each recently we sparked contact again. I noticed he wasn't as responsive via text (although whenever in person he seems FULLY engaged with me. Smiling, flirting, blushing, cant keep his eyes off me). This prompted me to ask if he was now in a relationship. He said he was seeing someone but it wasn't defined and nothing serious. But, after 3 weeks of trying to reconnect, he has made no attempt to see me nor is he responsive to my attempts. Does this mean he isn't interested any longer? If so, why not just say this? And why is he soooo into me in person but distant when we're not? None of it is adding up to me?

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He's not interested anymore, no. Some people have a hard time coming right and saying so, so they do what he is doing and hope you'll take the hint.

 

Being nice to you or smiling with you when he sees you does not mean he wants to date you, it appears. I would stop trying to contact him. Maintain your dignity and you will find someone who is available to date.

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I don't think he's interested enough to put in an effort to ask you out yet again especially since he is dating someone else now and there is potential. You acted distant towards him. That wasn't the most tactful way to go about things. Why did you behave in a distant way despite explaining why? Why not just tell him in a short, direct sentence that you were interested and the timing wasn't right? Did you want to maybe keep him on the hook to an extent so that once you decided you were ready he would still be hanging on waiting for you? Well, he didn't wait. He met someone else. He probably isn't texting because he doesn't want the person he is taking on dates to inadvertently see his phone. And he is friendly in person because he is not yet "taken" and doesn't want to burn bridges.

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You're absolutely correct. I should've been more direct. I was direct eventually, but I probably waited too long to be direct. We never got serious initially just talked back and forth for weeks. But yes, I did explain to him why and apologized. But I agree with you and the other posters. He's not interested and move on.

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He tried multiple times to hang with me and take me on dates, but we never got a chance to do so. This was primarily my fault. I was fresh out of a relationship and had some baggage at the time.
First off, while it's great that you were asserting your emotional boundaries (not say great you kept entertaining him despite it), almost as a rule, the moment you have a guy jumping through hurdles to get you on a date is the moment you've become a prize to chase and win rather than a relationship candidate. No self-respecting guy is going to persist in that effort otherwise. And once you've been "won" or "caught," you'll be discarded.

 

So it's really not surprising he was looking to hit you up as a one-off side dish. Any time someone says this...

 

He said he was seeing someone but it wasn't defined and nothing serious.

... wish them a good day and be on your way. I'm sure you're a grown adult with enough innate intelligence to see that account for what it is. If there was nothing serious, he wouldn't mention her. Don't look for excuses to act on your thirst through some remote plausible deniability.

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I am not surprised he’s no longer interested.

 

I am of the belief that when two people initially connect, it’s important they “catch that wave” and ride it all the way in to shore together (so to speak).

 

If one jumps off the wave, prematurely, as you did, he’s left riding it in alone.

 

You can try and catch a new wave together, as you’re attempting to do now, but that new wave is never as big, compelling, exciting or interesting.

 

This is why I am not a big believer in reconnecting after a falling out or a disconnect. Or a couple getting back together after breaking up.

 

I’ve done it and it’s just NEVER the same. Oh it may be fun for awhile, but something has gotten lost (the connection and trust), and it’s just never the same.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with this "other" woman he's dating casually; I just think he has lost the connection he had initially established with you when you first met and he's just not into it anymore.

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I am not surprised he’s no longer interested.

 

I am of the belief that when two people initially connect, it’s important they “catch that wave” and ride it all the way in to shore together (so to speak).

 

If one jumps off the wave, prematurely, as you did, he’s left riding it in alone.

 

You can try and catch a new wave together, as you’re attempting to do now, but that new wave is never as big, compelling, exciting or interesting.

 

This is why I am not a big believer in reconnecting after a falling out or a disconnect. Or a couple getting back together after breaking up.

 

I’ve done it and it’s just NEVER the same. Oh it may be fun for awhile, but something has gotten lost (the connection and trust), and it’s just never the same.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with this "other" woman he's dating casually; I just think he has lost the connection he had initially established with you when you first met and he's just not into it anymore.

 

I don't think it's analogous to breaking up and getting back together (in my case it was far more compelling, exciting and interesting when we got back together -no comparison). They never dated. She told him why she couldn't of course bu they never dated and have no knowledge of what that wold be like. I think there was interest at that time but interest in going on a first date has little to do with interest in a developing relationship unless they were long time friends and discovered a romantic interest. I don't think she jumped off any wave. I think she ended it before it could even begin and in the meanwhile he met someone else. In that way yes timing is everything.

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I agree with all the other posters. I am just going to add that context would really help here.

 

When things ended originally was it because you maturely told him you aren't ready to date or did things end because the anxiety caused by your recent breakup caused you to do something to scare him off.

 

If it's the first one it's possible, although slim, he's interested.

 

If it's the second one, which if I made an educated guess I'd put my money on this one. If it's this one, I'd cut your losses and begin to heal because if it was this one, you probably never truly let go.

 

The second he said he was seeing someone else that was your cue. The odds of him wanting a hookup and nothing more just seem way too high, if he's telling you something like this. I also think deep down you know that, but your self-esteem is not quite where it needs to be yet .

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I agree with Katrina and her analogy, though I don't agree that the outcome is necessarily dire...mostly it's two people crossing paths at the wrong time. I think you were mature and honest about your abilities back in the beginning, though I do question some "game playing" and leading him on at the same time. Not maliciously or even intentionally; I'm sure you struggled a lot with your feelings, but it resulted in some push-pull, hot-cold, possibly? In any case he moved on. Now that you're interested and ready, he is not. Perhaps he's decided he wants to hold off on anything serious with anyone, or perhaps he wants to see how things play out with this other woman he's dating, who at this point presents some stability that you did not. In any case, he's not "in it" anymore when it comes to you.

 

Maybe some day in the future, you'll both be in that right place and catch that wave together, or maybe never. The bottom line is, you have extended some effort, and he's just not that highly motivated to pursue anything. Okay, maybe in person he seems fully engaged, but when out of sight, that motivation isn't there. He's seeing someone else, and maybe it's not serious, but that doesn't matter; there's someone else. His attention is elsewhere, and his motivation is elsewhere.

 

I agree with others, it's time to give up the ghost on this one. You've put in some effort, and he's not biting. He has another love interest right now, and it's crappy for you to try to move in on that...how would you feel if the situation was reversed? If you and this guy were dating, and a past love interest kept contacting him?

 

If he's interested and willing to take another chance on you, he'll reach out.

 

It's time for you to move on to greener pastures.

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@Batya, oh I was just speaking in general terms.

 

There are always exceptions (as with you and your hubby) and I agree with what purplepaisley posted too.

 

>>Maybe some day in the future, you'll both be in that right place and catch that wave together, or maybe never.

 

I do think it's rare when that happens (jmo and experience) but yeah timing is everything (well not everything but it's important).

Edited by katrina1980
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though I do question some "game playing" and leading him on at the same time. Not maliciously or even intentionally; I'm sure you struggled a lot with your feelings, but it resulted in some push-pull, hot-cold, possibly? In any case he moved on. Now that you're interested and ready, he is not. Perhaps he's decided he wants to hold off on anything serious with anyone, or perhaps he wants to see how things play out with this other woman he's dating, who at this point presents some stability that you did not. In any case, he's not "in it" anymore when it comes to you.

 

*Sighs* to be honest and looking back, perhaps I did inadvertently lead him on. Honestly, our “dating phase” ended solely due to the fact he was extremely frustrated with my lack of motivation to see him or go on actual dates. It was only then I stated why I was so distant, but at that point......he was done trying regardless. All of this is great advice. He’s not interested. Time to cut my losses

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