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She left me for her "soulmate"


Moes
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Hi all,

First of all i wish everybody all the luck and a strong game.

 

My girlfriend( 3year relation) broke up with me suddenly because i wanted have a break and she could not handle that(according to her). I was really in doubt about our future. Because I am religious and she is not.

 

It was more about how to raise the children. I did not worked on to solve the problem. But we talked twice only in the last year about this subject. She said she has no problems with raising kids on a religious way. And i dont have problems that my kids will eventually leave religion.(because i travel a lot for work and i am in love with a non believer) being a good human is more important. But the doubt kept playing in my head(because my last relation did not want to anything with religion)

 

I smoked a lot of weed/hasj, so you can imagine that I was not really pro active(live in the Netherlands). I stopped smoking when I got this "break up slap" in my face, and I recognized that was I very pessimistic.

 

She broke up with me and after weeks of begging and pleasing, she gave me a second chance.

 

She noticed that i was changed and looked different since i stopped smoking. Instead of talking and working on communication, I went full power of making love again. Buying things, cooking, cleaning etc

 

The second week i noticed that she had a affaire with somebody else. She told me she met him one week before our break up. I asked her polity how she thinks that she can love me , if she is talking about emotions with somebody else. She promised not to contact him anymore.

 

The 4th week, i checked her phone and saw so many messages with this guy. I got pissed off and said this is cheating. She told me that only 1 occassion happened, during our break up and after that nothing happened. She could not stop chatting to him, because they are soulmates. It was on a Sunday.

 

And the next day I went abroad for my job. Meanwhile I said let it rest/but still angry. and tried to chat only about nice things till the day I return. I came back on a Thursday and suddenly she said she does not feel anymore and she broke up again.

 

I noticed on social media that she added this guy and started to ignore me partially.

When she texts me, she calls me now by my name. I asked her to not contact me anymore. And since then she texted me twice only. But she ignores everything related our relation and emotions.

 

I am trying to the No contact solution, because this hurts very much. I really want to have her back but on the other side, she already moved on.

 

Want to know how to keep the game strong!

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Thanks for the reply.

The funny thing is, she really wanted in the beginning that we continued our relation. But she interpreted a break of couple weeks as a break up.

She always told me, i was the perfect husband. And now she replaces me with a soulmate.

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I thought during this break, each could separately think if we really wanted to do more or less with religion. Without seeing each other and only thinking about what each personally wants.

 

Also proposed counseling or talking to other mixed married couples. At the end she refused.

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I thought during this break, each could separately think if we really wanted to do more or less with religion. Without seeing each other and only thinking about what each personally wants.

 

Also proposed counseling or talking to other mixed married couples. At the end she refused.

 

Again. I think this is your ego.

 

You had to have known taking a 'break' would damage your relationship. It doesn't seem you were too concerned when you believed you had her, now that you don't, now you don't need a break, that's not how relationships work. You treated her as an option and she moved on. It sucks, it really does, but it's a lesson not to operate in this manner. Also a huge indication you need to date someone who shares your religious beliefs.

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When someone calls a time-out, as you did, it hurts the other person a lot. It can very much change the way they see you, and throw your entire future together into serious doubt. Relationships problems are very rarely solved by taking time away from each other.

 

However, you may have found that this ended regardless of the break. She had apparently met someone else who interested her even before you called it off.

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So are these your kids that your ex is taking care of? Are you going to support them? Also you broke up with her and somehow it's her fault? And if religion was so important to you, why did you get together with someone who was a "non-believer?" Plus you admit you were lazy, sitting around smoking weed and being "very pessimistic." So then you begged her to take you back, which she did, but I guess you were probably fighting with her about her affair and she finally gave up on you.

 

So, in my opinion, you blew it. You may have been abusive in the relationship and now it's over. Stop contacting and move on, other than supporting your kids. And try to do better in your next relationship.

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I'm glad she found her soulmate, because you were not it. And she was not yours. It's going to sting for a while, but hold on for someone who you wont want to take a break from to make sure you are on the same page - because there wont be any confusion about that.

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Thanks for the replies.

 

We dont have kids. It was more about how it would look like when we take kids.

 

I was not abusive. Because i shouted only 2 times shortly like couple seconds. After that i could understand her moves and told that.

 

I think it was my ego and fear to trying to predict how i would be after 10 years. And got stuck in that same pessimistic thoughts.

 

I blew it. I honestly want to best for her and for myself. But how to cope with it?

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Thanks for the replies.

 

We dont have kids. It was more about how it would look like when we take kids.

 

I was not abusive. Because i shouted only 2 times shortly like couple seconds. After that i could understand her moves and told that.

 

I think it was my ego and fear to trying to predict how i would be after 10 years. And got stuck in that same pessimistic thoughts.

 

I blew it. I honestly want to best for her and for myself. But how to cope with it?

 

One day at a time.

 

Remind yourself you had doubts for a reason.

 

Maybe explore why you keep dating women who do not share your beliefs and life goals.

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I think it would be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your partner to share your values. My wise mother said a relationship should not be two people gazing into one another's eyes - it is two people side by side...heading in the same direction at the same pace. It doesn't mean you don't have different qualities, etc. But wouldn't it be better to be with someone who wants to "go" where you want to go?

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  • 1 month later...

Hi All,

 

While i am working on loving my self. Cooping with the loss of my love. She sends me a whatsapp message. It is now almost 2 months of no contact.

 

Saying that she likes my pictures

 

 

I did not respond to it.

 

She send a message after that saying sorry that she messaged me and she saw that I removed her on every social platform.

She says she wont reach out to me anymore and hopes that everything is fine with me

 

I really want her back, but how to respond to this ?

 

Kr,

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Hi All,

 

While i am working on loving my self. Cooping with the loss of my love. She sends me a whatsapp message. It is now almost 2 months of no contact.

 

Saying that she likes my pictures

 

 

I did not respond to it.

 

She send a message after that saying sorry that she messaged me and she saw that I removed her on every social platform.

She says she wont reach out to me anymore and hopes that everything is fine with me

 

I really want her back, but how to respond to this ?

 

Kr,

 

Honestly, because of a fundamental life incompatibility, because of you using something as traumatic as a break[up] to try to do something with the relationship, and because of this kind of monkey-branching impulsiveness she's exhibiting... I think it's the best for both of you to remain not in contact and to not revitalize the relationship that failed. I think when you try to apologize for the issues that caused the breakup, instead blaming it mostly on your own insecurities or etc, you are choosing to ignore the fundamental life incompatibilities and damage caused to the relationship. I feel like people do this as a means to barely hold on, since it's easier to think something can live if the problems were not very deep.

 

If I were you, there are 4 things I would do.

 

1: I would focus on your new life, so to continue to divest your emotional investment into areas of your life that are more under your control and more likely to stay with you for the long haul due to compatibility and lack of damage.

 

2: I would maintain no contact. You can choose to communicate that with her, or just block and delete her. It doesn't matter that much, but having contact with her will give you more information into her new life, new guys, etc.

 

3: Try to change your desires. You really want her back -- of course you do, that's how the emotional attachment and dependence aspect of relationships works. Likewise, you previously acknowledged your regular desire for relationships with people who are pretty incompatible with yourself. If you "want to want to not want her", you will probably start making progress towards that goal, and if you work towards no longer desiring incompatible relationships, you will also likely make some progress there. Focus your thoughts on the ways in which changing these desires would benefit you, and the things you don't want that go hand-in-hand with your ex or with incompatible girls (like religious incompatibility / stress about the future).

 

4: Acknowledge the current situation more mindfully. She is not your love -- it's been a decent while, so she could have changed significantly in this time. Likewise, the relationship falling apart likely changed her quite a bit too. Even further, there's a chance that she changed significantly since when you developed attraction or love for her. She is not your love -- she is your ex, and you don't really know if she's the same person still. You may not even know if you are. Likewise, acknowledge what would probably be if you two somehow came on the same page enough to try again -- there's a huge chance things would be worse, due to new insecurities and traumas in the dynamic. Finally, while you may have acknowledged some areas in which you needed to change or improve yourself, it probably hasn't been long enough to be sure that you know all the areas, and even after acknowledging changes, it can take a while and a lot of effort to fully implement them into your life and become a new/better person.

 

Whatever you choose to do, look out for your long-term well-being and health. Good luck.

Edited by 11moreweeks
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi,

 

The end results after the last breadcrumbs. Hopefully someone can learn from my experience.

 

I only replied to the breadcrumbs if everything was fine with short polity messages. It set me back emotionally. Because I was over-analysing all her texts!

 

Went NC

 

Yesterday I asked her parents phone numbers. To send a farewell message. I never said goodbye after the break up.

I had deleted everything related to her. I searched her number back on one of my phone invoices.

 

I thought a night about it to send the messages(short gratefull content) and expected nothing back. They replied all back with positive messaging. It felt like like closure. It felt good the appreciation.

 

She called me, after the messages. I took the call, i thought maybe it will give more closure. But this is probably the addictive part. The familiar and convenient feelings . It was a wrong move!! Because suddenly we where 1 hour talking about life and positive things and progress. It set me totally back!!

Leasson learned that i should be reminded to do only things that help me forward with my healing.

 

Will go back to NC untill i feel indifference. My mind says now go full NC for ever. My heart says Well stay NC or LC.

Hopefully i can listen to my mind and continue with mindfulness exercises. (Headspace is a wonderful mindfulness app)It gives me nothing back when i stay in touch!

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