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Does he just not care enough??


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So I’m struggling and am curious what you guys think...my Partner and I have been together for about 14 months and are madly in love. We are very affectionate with each other, tell each other we love one another many times a day and all that gross, relationshippy stuff. My big issue is that he never really does anything for me in the way of showing me he appreciates me. It started when Christmas time rolled around and I got him 7 gifts that cost me $350. He got me nothing...DESPITE me telling him I wanted him to make the effort and get me a gift for Christmas. We had a long talk about how I felt like he didn’t care enough about something that was important to me and he apologized, felt bad and said it was apparently a misunderstanding.

 

Fast forward to Valentines Day...I said nothing to see if he would do anything and nothing. Not even a card. I made him a wonderful dinner and got him flowers and a balloon and all that and he just says thanks babe, you’re the best...

 

Fast forward to my Birthday...nothing again. Then our 1 Year Anniversary...nothing again.

 

Now I have noticed from his Families comments that they were never big on gift giving, it just was not a priority for them growing up. But my issue is that I have made it very clear, FOUR times now how I feel about it and how important it is for him to make the effort. It’s not about the material aspect of it, but the fact that all 4 times he has apologized, said he would make an effort and just hasn’t. His reasoning is he doesn’t have enough money. Yet I see him spending all his cash on weed, cigarettes and booze.

 

I should add that I do things for him very frequently whether it be leaving love notes for him, or buying him his favourite snack, surprising him with flowers or a nice dinner. I cook for him almost every night. I make the effort and I don’t know what to do if I have already spoken to him about this 4 times and he still is clueless. I feel like if he really cared he would make these things priorities, especially after our discussions. I even said none of these things HAVE to cost money, little notes or surprising me with dinner made or something is super nice and would make me feel appreciated...anyways, sorry for the long post. Let me know your thoughts.

 

I should also mention I have a pretty severe anxiety disorder that causes me to overthink and stress a lot, so this could be contributing to how I feel.

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He isn't clueless if you've talked about it 4 times, OP. He knows.

 

How old is he, and how much relationship experience has he had? You say he spends all his cash on weed, cigarettes and booze, so I am guessing (hoping) that he is on the younger side. I'll wait for your answers before giving more of my thoughts.

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Unfortunately you are over invested and trying way too hard. It's suffocating and desperate. You keep trying to change and fix him. You know what his priorities are. He knows he can continue to indulge in what he wants to and you'll still stick around and lecture him a bit but reward him with excessive gifts, dinner, love notes,etc.

 

Stop over doing it like this. Stop all the fancy over priced gifts and living in a romance novel by yourself. It's you who needs to change, not him...because he won't. He's happy buying booze and weed and whatever. He's not clueless at all. However you need to open your eyes to your own mothering and smothering.

I have made it very clear, FOUR times now how I feel about it and how important it is for him to make the effort. I see him spending all his cash on weed, cigarettes and booze.I should add that I do things for him very frequently whether it be leaving love notes for him, or buying him his favourite snack, surprising him with flowers or a nice dinner. I cook for him.
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He isn't clueless if you've talked about it 4 times, OP. He knows.

 

Yep. The guy is well aware of how this makes you feel, so I'd get the message that his withhold is deliberate. I'd decide whether whatever he does offer is enough to compensate. If so, then here you are. If not, then I'd decide whether to stay or go, and if go, then when?

 

We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

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Although this is a great book and excellent advice in most circumstances, in this case...he would probably just use it for rolling paper. He can afford to ignore her because she rewards him for it so much.

Buy him the book...5 love languages. And discuss it with him....just a thought....
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To answer your question, that's correct, he simply doesn't care enough.

 

He heard you loud and clear 4 times, but so what? You are still playing mommy, wifey, housekeeper, cook, etc, etc, etc, and he still gets to spend his time boozing and getting high and you are still around doing all that nonsense for him. Sure, you whine every so often about it, but yeah......you are in this "great" relationship all by yourself.

 

If you want a relationship where the guy actually reciprocates, which is how it should be, then you'll need to stop wasting your time and efforts on this guy and find better.

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On Christmas, I've gotten from my husband, 30 screwdrivers with 5 precision ones

Next was more tools, and 3 cuisinarts

Following year, nothing, because of the price of this mirror

 

What he does do:

Drive 3 hours in a blizzard to come see me.

Clean all the sewage that came out of our crapping plumbing at our house.

Helped me move my giant paintings in the middle of the night as we move our office to a new location this week.

Help my friends move.

 

What you are doing...spoiling him hoping he will just magically get it even if you tell him exactly what you want over a year with pictures. He won't.

 

Either you love him for all the great things he does. But if you can't think of anything, then it's pretty much lop-sided. Been in plenty of lop-sided relationships, and you never win.

 

I am very material, and got that from my dad who was never around with work, but always got me make-up gifts, all the time. I have learned that are many love languages, and you just have to find out which one he is using, and him learning about yours.

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All details aside, if I've told my man that something matters to me FOUR times and he doesn't make an effort, he's not the guy I want as a life partner.

 

Regardless of what the specific issue is, it's the lack of concern for your feelings. OP, life will get hard. You're going to experience hardships. Your partner has to care about your feelings. They just have to. Otherwise, you will be very lonely. Really make sure you are choosing the right partner.

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On Christmas, I've gotten from my husband, 30 screwdrivers with 5 precision ones

Next was more tools, and 3 cuisinarts

Following year, nothing, because of the price of this mirror

 

What he does do:

Drive 3 hours in a blizzard to come see me.

Clean all the sewage that came out of our crapping plumbing at our house.

Helped me move my giant paintings in the middle of the night as we move our office to a new location this week.

Help my friends move.

 

What you are doing...spoiling him hoping he will just magically get it even if you tell him exactly what you want over a year with pictures. He won't.

 

Either you love him for all the great things he does. But if you can't think of anything, then it's pretty much lop-sided. Been in plenty of lop-sided relationships, and you never win.

 

I am very material, and got that from my dad who was never around with work, but always got me make-up gifts, all the time. I have learned that are many love languages, and you just have to find out which one he is using, and him learning about yours.

 

Normally, I'd totally agree with you. However, in this situation, the OP, hasn't been just martyring herself silently hoping. She has let him know how she feels, how much it matters to her, etc. She has spoken up multiple times. He simply ignored her anyway. I also wonder, like some of the other posters, if he spends all his money on booze and weed, whether he has ever been truly present in this relationship mentally and emotionally or whether he is simply enjoying all the creature comforts and catering that the OP provides as long as it lasts, without any desire/intention to give back in any way.

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