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At this point I don’t know what to do


sherika
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So I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year. When we just started taking I learn about his social anxiety which I didn’t have a problem with. Three to four months into the relationship I met all his family and we basically moved in with each other. My family will invite him over and he’ll always have an excuse to why he can’t make it. At this point I know I told him I wouldn’t put it and he can do it whenever he’s ready, but that’s now like our main issue. We fight a lot about it because my family is important to me and I feel like I’m not getting the respect I’m giving him..... what should I do????

Ohh I bought tickets to a concert and a comedy show with my family and ohh he’s showing up not to meet my family but because of all the strangers I’ll be around... [emoji58][emoji58][emoji58][emoji19]

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Why did you move in so early into the relationship? It's generally not wise to do this, because you don't know the person well enough to commit like that. You are seeing this now.

 

In any case, if you don't actually accept who he is (and I wouldn't blame you for finding this difficult to deal with) then it's time for you to end it. You knew he suffered social anxiety going into this, and you can see it is a problem for the relationship. If he's not getting any help, I would bow out gracefully.

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You may be close to your family and socialize with them all the time but expecting a bf/gf do do the same is not realistic or fair. Invitations are not subpoenas a so don't turn it into that.

 

Relax. If he wants to join you, great, if not go yourself enjoy your family and let him have his own space. Especially since you "practically moved in together after 3-4 mos". Way too much way too soon.

 

In the future if you try this you will create a huge in-law hatred situation. Never force people on each other. Stop fighting, you need to respect his desire to not spend this much time with your family. He's not stopping you from going so relax and reconsider that many people are not attached at the hip with their families.

My family will invite him over and he’ll always have an excuse to why he can’t make it. We fight a lot about it because my family is important to me and I feel like I’m not getting the respect I’m giving him.
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I was in a long term relationship with someone that had major social anxiety issues and it did get in the way of the relationship, unfortunately you either have to be very patient with them, and i mean VERY patient, or move on without them which is what i did. I did find that not pushing them to do anything they don't want to do helped, make sure he knows how important it is to you that he meets your family, if he cares about you enough he'll make a big effort to put his social anxiety aside.

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Enough people have brought up moving in together far too fast. That isn’t always damning but is a risk.

 

My advice is to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker and go from there. Though, the more pressure that he feels you put on him to be with your family, the less he will want to do it. If you stick with him, I’d give him all the space in the world regarding your family, that’s what may help open him up to it.

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What you see in the present, expect it for the future. Best not to hope for different behavior and stick around to see if it MIGHT happen. Expect he won't attend a birthday party for you hosted by your family. Expect he won't go with you to your parents house on Christmas day for brunch and opening presents. You will live a compartmentalized life.

 

If that's a dealbreaker to you, tell him it is and why. If he cares, he will get the the psychiatric care he needs to be able to socialize properly. If he doesn't care enough, he will choose to continue on with his way of isolating himself to his own detriment. If he doesn't care enough, why would you stay?

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OK, even the framing of what is going on is in your own mindset, not his.

 

To you, he is insulting you and your family by not participating in each and every family moment because you enjoy them so much, as does your family. In addition, you are convinced that he must have social anxiety since how could he not enjoy family gatherings as much as you do.

 

Try wearing his shoes for a moment.

 

Maybe he just does not get recharged by the interactions as you do.

 

For one, there is no way he is as connected to all of them as you are. And that is in both directions, btw. Your family cannot possibly that into him as much as you were at one point.

 

Secondly, maybe he has other interests besides family gatherings.

 

It doesn't mean he is anxious in social settings.

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To you, he is insulting you and your family by not participating in each and every family moment because you enjoy them so much, as does your family. In addition, you are convinced that he must have social anxiety since how could he not enjoy family gatherings as much as you do.

 

 

If you read the OPs post again, you will see that he has gone a full year without meeting her parents, and will only meet them for the very first time at the concert. It's not like he's gone to her parents house several times and is avoiding going as often as she does. He's never gone, which is egregious behavior. It's common courtesy to let parents meet who their child is seriously dating, even if it's uncomfortable for him and not his favorite activity.

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You don't belong with someone with social anxiety, you haven't got the tolerance for it.

 

He's not doing these things on purpose or to upset you. This is a legitimate mental issue that should be respected. People suffer greatly because of it.

 

I hope he is getting the help he needs, such as possibly medication or counselling. Either way, you are not the right one for him.

 

He needs someone who truly understands, has patience with this, doesn't make him feel badly for what he deals with and can support him.

 

You two are incompatible and will not work.

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I have social anxiety and if I’m put into even my own family gatherings I have to have a five minute breather by myself! Otherwise I have a full on panic attack!

 

Given that’s been said I do make an effort for my boyfriends sake since he has a huge family that does everything together.

 

But I’m family oriented and look at it as it’s soothing meeting new people who could potentially be another family.

 

I think going a year is extreme without even meeting parents one on one.

 

If he can’t even do that he needs help! I think you will do better with someone outgoing.

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So true, catfeeder ! Yeah it's okay as long as it's not a problem?? And now that I see the problem I will punish and make your life horrible? Umm..no.

 

You either accept what their issues are and mean it or you don't.

 

And one last thing, NO one wants anxiety, social or otherwise. It is one of the worst things to live with. What makes it even more difficult is people who judge or pretend to accept when they don't.

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If you read the OPs post again, you will see that he has gone a full year without meeting her parents, and will only meet them for the very first time at the concert. It's not like he's gone to her parents house several times and is avoiding going as often as she does. He's never gone, which is egregious behavior. It's common courtesy to let parents meet who their child is seriously dating, even if it's uncomfortable for him and not his favorite activity.

I saw that. he probably should have gone sooner, but depending on distance, it may not be easy.

 

How far away are they from the OP's parents? Around the block, two states away? What?

 

Anyway, I think there is more to it that just labeling the guy as having a social anxiety issue. That said, if he does have one, it doesn't change.

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I saw that. he probably should have gone sooner, but depending on distance, it may not be easy.

 

How far away are they from the OP's parents? Around the block, two states away? What?

 

Anyway, I think there is more to it that just labeling the guy as having a social anxiety issue. That said, if he does have one, it doesn't change.

 

He lives 11 mins away. So I didn’t label him he told me that he had it was getting treated and then stopped because he didn’t like how it was making him feel

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I think you need to establish how important it is that your partner has a relationship with your family. If it is absolutely essential, then you really ought to draw the line for your own sake.

 

You don't have to tolerate something that is unacceptable to you just because he has a medical excuse. You shouldn't tolerate something that is unacceptable just to have a relationship.

 

I guess the hard part is losing the dream of being in a happy relationship with him.

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Has he ever met them? Do you hang out with his family or friends? Does he work, have friends and otherwise go out? Unless he is a recluse it sounds like he doesn't want to hang out with your family. It could be that you are at his place way too much and he simply wants alone time and is glad when you go to your folks.

He lives 11 mins away. So I didn’t label him he told me that he had it was getting treated and then stopped because he didn’t like how it was making him feel
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He lives 11 mins away. So I didn’t label him he told me that he had it was getting treated and then stopped because he didn’t like how it was making him feel

 

Then reassess whether his problem creates a problem for you, and then decide how you'll want to solve your OWN problem.

 

You can't nag someone else into behaving as you wish and then expect that to work out well. Even if you win a battle, you lose the war. Instead, look at your own options and make the best decisions about those.

 

We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

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He lives 11 mins away. So I didn’t label him he told me that he had it was getting treated and then stopped because he didn’t like how it was making him feel

 

Well then, now that clears it up. He plain doesn't want to go. If that is a deal-breaker, make it one.

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