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I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and in fact we live together and have two dogs with each other. So things are serious. We've talked about marriage, kids, and everything else. So you would think everything is perfect, right? WRONG. kinda. I think? I dont know I am so confused. I know he loves me and I DO love him. The biggest problem for me is the sex. I don't feel the connection between us when we do it and that's when we even do it. He would ideally like to do it everyday but we may do it once every six weeks because I just know that I'm not into it. I've talked about it with him but it doesn't go anywhere. I need foreplay and he just wants to stick it in which is actually painful. Therefore, i never want to do it. I've had better sex with past boyfriends and I KNOW I shouldn't compare but I can't help it. I know that it's not normal for me never to want to have sex and I feel bad for him that I am not pleasing him yet I tell him he can't just stick it in. Also, I occasionally think about how I would like to still date. Im 23. I have never and would never cheat. We've met each others family. my mom wants me to eventually marry him. I can't tell if he is the one. All my married friends say you just "know." But what happens if you don't "know." I Want him to be my soulmate. My mom says that just because I still think about dating and I don't know yet tells her that I am clearly not ready for marriage yet, which is probably right. But can someone give me advice? And then we have this whole fact of if we broke up where would I go, who would take the dogs, and thinking about breaking up actually tears me up. I think if the intimacy was better the love connection would be better. So I need help on what to do?

 

Thank you.

 

Yours Truly,

 

the confused fifth grade teacher

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What were things like before you moved in? Unfortunately moving in in under a year was a mistake. But the good news is you can move out. Clearly you are not ready to settle down especially in a situation of physically and emotionally increasing estrangement due to bad sex.

 

Since he refuses to listen, just stop having painful unsatisfactory sex. Face the facts, listen to your mother, move out and and free him and yourself from playing house and lousy sex.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and in fact we live together. we may do it once every six weeks because I just know that I'm not into it. I need foreplay and he just wants to stick it in which is actually painful. I occasionally think about how I would like to still date. Im 23.
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I would agree with your mom that you are not ready for marriage. You're only 23, which is very young. There is no rush.

 

I am curious, whose idea was it to move in and how long have you lived together?

 

The sexual issues are going to become more and more bothersome for you, both physically and emotionally. Physically, it's extraordinarily uncomfortable for a man to just enter with no prior, er, preparation. Do you two attempt any foreplay? Is he very inexperienced? What is his response when you tell him to please not just stick it in? Emotionally, it would grate on me if I felt like my partner was ignoring my needs like this and just doing what suited his own preference to climax.

 

As for you still thinking about dating, well, that could be a warning sign. It's normal to sometimes be curious about others, but coupled with the intimacy issues and your subsequent distancing from him at only a year, it's a symptom of a bigger problem.

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He's not the right guy. It sounds like he's very selfish in bed and just wants to get himself off without getting too intimate with you. Having sex can be so much fun, and it wouldn't take more than the time of a TV show to make it special for both of you.

 

There is the theory that guys as teenagers have to get sex wherever they can, such as in the backseat of a car or at home before their parents get home, and they, by necessity, have to make it quick. And that in their 20s, they're still trying to do it like jack rabbits and don't know how to take their time.

 

Other than moving out, you have to sit down and talk to your boyfriend. (Don't do it in bed. It's too late by then.) Try to tell him that you don't work the same way he does. That you need to be warmed up. You might also tell him you want him to use a lubricant. Tell him you'll have sex more than once every 6 weeks if he learns how to do it right. Tell him you want to make him a better lover. If he won't listen, then you have to break up. I can see an old couple with medical problems having such little sex, but not a couple of 20-year olds. So either have a talk with him or move out.

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you can't force someone to fit into the mold of your "soulmate". If he's just not right for you, he's just not right. About the sex, either you can teach/show him exactly what you need, or prepare for a lifetime of an unfulfilled marriage full of bad or nonexistent sex. Be honest with yourself about what you need and expect. You can either try to force your partner into the mold you've created for him, or like others have said, set him free and find someone who fulfills your needs without having to change them.

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Well, you are thinking about dating others because this relationship, this guy is actually making you very unhappy and rightfully so. He is being selfish in bed and doesn't seem to care about how you feel or even bother to do things different out of sheer self interest, aka having sex. So it's not just that he is selfish, he is super stubborn, my way or nothing kind of a guy. Thing is that you can't marry that or live happily with someone like that forever.

 

My advice to you is make whatever effort you need to feel like you've done all you can to get the message across to him that this isn't going to work as is and that he needs to do some changing in the bedroom. If that fails and you feel like you've done all you can, then it's time to end things and move on. You are still very young and have plenty of time to find the right guy and be happy in the bedroom with him. A healthy, happy sex life is critical to any romantic relationship. If that's not working, then quite frankly the rest will fall apart too soon enough.

 

If I were you, I'd start exploring your options for moving out, rent, dog friendly places, living with roommates if necessary, etc. If you do end up breaking up, then do take this as a lesson to never again jump into playing married, aka moving in quickly and getting critters together because that does complicate matters. Better get to know him thoroughly before you ever move in with another guy again. Keep your independence and your ability to leave easily. You'll thank yourself later for that. Don't play wifey.

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He isnt the right guy for you. He sounds like a selfish lover and neither of you will want to share a sex life forever like you have right now. At 23 I agree you are too young to get married, doesnt matter what mom or friends say. You two are not compatible.

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If he doesn't listen to your needs in the bedroom, I have to wonder how good the rest of the relationship must be. Does he have any issues listening to your needs in other areas?

 

"And then we have this whole fact of if we broke up where would I go, who would take the dogs, and thinking about breaking up actually tears me up."

 

Breaking up is never fun no matter the circumstances, so don't use a fear of breaking up to convince yourself that you should stay.

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Well, short of raping you and he's forcing you to allow him to "just stick it in" why aren't you stopping him and telling him you're not ready to be entered yet? Have you stopped him from entering you before you were ready in the past? If not, why not?

 

He sounds like an oaf in bed and needs guidance in how to please you. Have you showed him what you need him to do to make you ready to have intercourse or have you just told him what you don't like him doing?

 

You sound as if you love one another and other then the failure in the sex dept, you don't mention any other problems in your relationship so why not try to fix this through experimentation and boundaries in place wherein you be the one who says when you're ready. Read books, get and view couples porn that is geared to be more romantic rather then all that jack rabbiting and screaming going on.

 

Give yourself a timeline to teach and learn together and hopefully get your emotional connection to him back on track (it was there at one time or surely you wouldn't have moved in with him) and if you can't make the change as a team working together to remedy... then leave him but at least you'll know you tried your best to make it work.

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Well, short of raping you and he's forcing you to allow him to "just stick it in" why aren't you stopping him and telling him you're not ready to be entered yet? Have you stopped him from entering you before you were ready in the past? If not, why not?

Seriously! Women's bodies are designed this way and there is really no way around it.

 

What's troubling is that you have shared this very intimate detail with him and he disregards it entirely.

I'd put a lock on it until he decides to not only listen but to be compassionate and actually care about how this impacts you and how you feel about him and the relationship as a whole. And I'd spend some time soul searching as to why you don't think you are deserving of someone who wants to fulfill your needs.

 

This is not the making of a life partner. It's hard to believe he ignores the very thing that might benefit him and he's a great guy in other areas?

 

I'll guess it's a sign of things to come.

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I don't think you have to "just know" -some people have that feeling, some do not, some that do "just know" on a regular basis for a few months at a time, etc. What you do need to "know" is that you are done looking to date others -not because you are "settling" but because you know that even though technically you have not met everyone there is to meet, and technically there could be someone better - that you are happy, reasonably sure, and excited to be with your person and you are done looking for that reason. Even if you met someone drop dead hot tomorrow who you had tons in common with it wouldn't sway you more than a fleeting "oh, he's hot looking, cool!". I mean, we're not blind especially in our 20s lol.

 

I agree to communicate about the sexual issues and see if that changes anything.

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