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GF going to Ibiza with her friends. And guys she hasn't met yet.


RealeighJ

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This is also quite consistent with people suffering BPD, if that's in fact the case with her. The highs are high and dizzying and seem great, and the lows are very difficult to deal with. I don't believe you two are in any position (relationship-wise) to be living together right now. There isn't enough stability and consistency to support a relationship in which you live together. What's going to happen when you break up again, for a few hours or a few days? Where is she (or you) going to go?

 

Also, if she wants to work the nightlife circuit, you can probably expect more of the same hard-partying behaviour from her. And my guess is that she knew about this trip longer than she lets on.

 

I would strongly advise you to take a big step back and ask if this is really what you're looking for in a relationship.

 

The BPD definitely scares me. Unrelated to this thread, but she has repeatedly told me when she is mad, to not keep talking about said subject. To let her cool off. This is not how I get over things.

 

My problem is just being able to let go because I do love her.

 

A group of single guys bringing women over to their house on a foreign country. Why? You don’t think they will use money (paying for that vacation for all of them) as an excuse that they owe them something?

 

Seriously, why did your girlfriend accept the trip and then HIDE the details from you? And since you never met these guys, im pretty sure she didn’t tell them that she’s got a boyfriend either.

 

This whole scenerio is sketchy as hell. Yuck!

 

She said this group of "friends" goes to Ibiza every year and they are all just friends partying together.

 

I can presume this will be happening more if she is in her "comfort city - nyc" and back to work. She hasn't been working past few months.

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Does she have a job lined up? I sure hope she does. I live in NYC and there are entire communities of people in Astoria and scattered around BK who had the same great idea. Who's paying?

 

Don't know what to tell ya, buddy. You can't stop her, so you either deal with the fact she's going or you don't. Pretty cookie cutter example of why you should be with someone long enough for situations like this to come up and for you to see how they'd handle them before agreeing on some big commitment like renting an apartment together. If you don't think you can handle it, I'd get in touch with whoever you've made the housing arrangement with so that you can see about limiting your losses.

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We fell for each other very fast, made it official after about 1.5 months. So 7.5 months total. Since then she has wanted to move to nyc but says she stayed where we are now "because of me" - but nyc is in her heart. She is particularly interested in working nightlife and can make more in nyc. To me, it doesn't matter, I'm fine financially anywhere as I run my own biz. But she's said many times she wants to get nyc out of her system.

She sounds selfish as ****. It’s ALL about her. The free trip without you, her complaining about how she couldn’t go on your business trip (not all of us can take our SOs/spouses with us on company trips), dictating to live in one of the most expensive cities in the US, getting NYC “out of her system,” and the excessive partying.

 

Does this woman live in a dream world?

 

OP, what are YOU getting out of this relationship from her when she makes all these demands? Have you even stopped to think about the lack of respect she has given you? How she maybe potentially using you for money just like she’s using those guys in Izbia? And she has the ***ing NERVE to tell you to break up with her over a trip she lied about.

 

Wake up. This girl is awful. Why would you want to live with a person like this? Please do not let her move in.

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Does she have a job lined up? I sure hope she does. I live in NYC and there are entire communities of people in Astoria and scattered around BK who had the same great idea. Who's paying?

 

Don't know what to tell ya, buddy. You can't stop her, so you either deal with the fact she's going or you don't. Pretty cookie cutter example of why you should be with someone long enough for situations like this to come up and for you to see how they'd handle them before agreeing on some big commitment like renting an apartment together. If you don't think you can handle it, I'd get in touch with whoever you've made the housing arrangement in so that you can see about limiting your losses.

 

I'm paying. She will have no issues finding job and it's not really a strain on me. The place is furnished for 6 months so not a big deal. Yes, I wouldn't want to lose - for me it's more about my time and stress.

 

She sounds selfish as ****. It’s ALL about her. The free trip without you, her complaining about how she couldn’t go on your business trip (not all of us can take our SOs/spouses with us on company trips), dictating to live in one of the most expensive cities in the US, getting NYC “out of her system,” and the excessive partying.

 

Does this woman live in a dream world?

 

OP, what are YOU getting out of this relationship from her when she makes all these demands? Have you even stopped to think about the lack of respect she has given you? How she maybe potentially using you for money just like she’s using those guys in Izbia? And she has the ***ing NERVE to tell you to break up with her over a trip she lied about.

 

Wake up. This girl is awful. Why would you want to live with a person like this? Please do not let her move in.

 

I'm having a tough time letting go.. You are right in what you say.

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The BPD definitely scares me. Unrelated to this thread, but she has repeatedly told me when she is mad, to not keep talking about said subject. To let her cool off. This is not how I get over things.

 

My problem is just being able to let go because I do love her.

 

 

She said this group of "friends" goes to Ibiza every year and they are all just friends partying together.

 

I can presume this will be happening more if she is in her "comfort city - nyc" and back to work. She hasn't been working past few months.

 

Has she been diagnosed? Or have you just noticed some strange behaviour and done a little research? Either way, she doesn't sound like the most mature or stable individual. However, you do also need to realize that people have different ways of cooling down. Just because you don't take space to cool your jets when you're mad doesn't mean she is wrong to do so. And trust me when I say that if she has any anger management problems, continuing to argue when said person is upset is not a good idea and won't get you anywhere.

 

Why hasn't she been working the past few months? Whose idea was it to move to NYC, and who's paying for it? (My bet, respectively: hers, and you)

 

There appear to be many more issues here than just this trip to Ibiza, though it seems to represent the bigger problems in your relationship.

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Has she been diagnosed? Or have you just noticed some strange behaviour and done a little research? Either way, she doesn't sound like the most mature or stable individual. However, you do also need to realize that people have different ways of cooling down. Just because you don't take space to cool your jets when you're mad doesn't mean she is wrong to do so. And trust me when I say that if she has any anger management problems, continuing to argue when said person is upset is not a good idea and won't get you anywhere.

 

Why hasn't she been working the past few months? Whose idea was it to move to NYC, and who's paying for it? (My bet, respectively: hers, and you)

 

There appear to be many more issues here than just this trip to Ibiza, though it seems to represent the bigger problems in your relationship.

 

She was not diagnosed by a doctor, but even she feels she has it. She has mentioned multiple times she wants to see a psychiatrist and wants to get on Xanax (extreme in my opinion).

 

I guess what holds me back from ending things is thinking what if she did get treatment, would things improve.

 

And yes, her idea wanting to move, me paying currently for first month or two. The idea is to split rent in the apartment. She wasn't able to work due to no car, and nearest nightclub is 3 - 4 hours away from where she lives with her parents.

 

Her family has anger issues and is a bit dysfunctional. But to me, she wants to get away from that. So I have sympathy there.

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She wasn't able to work due to no car, and nearest nightclub is 3 - 4 hours away from where she lives with her parents.
Talk about a go-getter. There not being a nightclub near her is a reason she doesn't work at a night club, not a reason for her not working period. Tell her to spare herself the trip. She ain't gonna make it here. One of the most competitive industries in the most competitive labor market stateside. If you do go, ask her to record the interview so I can laugh when she responds to her lapse in employment being due to no night clubs nearby. And you don't think what you consider her untreated BPD might be a slight mitigating factor?

 

And why finance the dream of someone you've barely known half a year anyhow? Are you trying to buy her? Spare yourself the extra rent and donate the change to Make-a-Wish if you're that set on throwing money at people who don't contribute anything. At least the kids have good reasons for it.

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Talk about a go-getter. There not being a nightclub near her is a reason she doesn't work at a night club, not a reason for her not working period. Tell her to spare herself the trip. She ain't gonna make it here. One of the most competitive industries in the most competitive labor market stateside. If you do go, ask her to record the interview so I can laugh when she responds to her lapse in employment being due to no night clubs nearby. And you don't think what you consider her untreated BPD might be a slight mitigating factor?

 

And why finance the dream of someone you've barely known half a year anyhow? Are you trying to buy her? Spare yourself the extra rent and donate the change to Make-a-Wish if you're that set on throwing money at people who don't contribute anything. At least the kids have good reasons for it.

Luckily she has worked in NYC before and knows nearly all the key people to quickly get a job. So again, not really what concerns me.

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Luckily she has worked in NYC before and knows nearly all the key people to quickly get a job. So again, not really what concerns me.
I'm sure she says as much and luckily has proven quite dependable with her word.

 

If she knew "all the key people to quickly get a job," she'd have a job already lined up or, at the very least, wouldn't have you committed to financially supporting her for two months. No car, living with parents, doesn't work because she won't do anything but "nightlife," can't be bothered to relocate locally to find work in her industry, delaying the commitment you two made to move for the sake of her and her certain to be amazing career you're so convinced she'll crush simply so that she can go to a frat party in Ibiza, self-diagnosed BPD to top it all off(untreated, if true). But definitely gonna kill it in NYC with all her awesome connections and demonstrably amazing goal orientation. Okay.

 

You can't be this desperate to buy a relationship. How old are the two of you?

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She was not diagnosed by a doctor, but even she feels she has it. She has mentioned multiple times she wants to see a psychiatrist and wants to get on Xanax (extreme in my opinion).

Oh, so she self-diagnosed herself and is claiming to have mental health issues to justify her behavior to people. 🙄 And she wants to med up (more in fact get on a specific medication which she has no real knowledge on) without going through a behavioral specialist or any diagnostic testing. Sort of insulting to people who truly have the disability. She’s a spoiled brat and doesn’t want to own up or work on her issues.

 

I guess what holds me back from ending things is thinking what if she did get treatment, would things improve.

With how she’s behaving now, do you really want to wait on that? If she doesn’t have a job or any health insurance, then she’s not going to get treatment right away. And it can take over a year for her to be diagnosed and receive the medication. You think she would be the only person seeing a therapist for BSD in NYC? She will be put on a long waitlist while living in a highly populated city (I know, I work in the mental health field).

 

Her family has anger issues and is a bit dysfunctional. But to me, she wants to get away from that. So I have sympathy there.

Sounds like she’s playing on your “white knight syndrome.” She’s already shown you that she’s capable of lying to you and uses people (her friends AND strangers) for money. How do you exactly know she’s telling you the truth here about her family? If she is being abused by her family then she needs to go to a woman’s shelter or move out with roommates once she locks down a job. ANY job.

 

You don’t owe her a place to live. And as much as reality sucks, you can’t save everyone you meet either. You only dated this chick for a short time to not know her well enough. She’s proven to you to be very mistrustful - from accepting money from strangers to outright lying about having a disability. Right now she does not give you any respect when you have offered to pay for the first two months of rent - telling you to go ahead and break up when you expressed concern over her behavior with a group of strange men? Just as she expected them to pay for that overseas trip, she expects YOU to pay her way without offering anything?? Is the sex really that great for the way she treats you?

 

Financial stability is super important in a committed relationship. She apparently has multiple issues that she needs to work through before climbing in a serious relationship with someone. These are not things you can fix for her.

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OP......you cannot possibly be this naive, so you can only be that desperate ....or more correctly the lower head seems to be in charge at the moment....smh....

 

I mean really, some guys are paying for a bunch of chics to travel and party with them and you seriously think she is being a faithful gf to you? Who on earth are you kidding here?

 

She is showing you who she is and what she is about. Either you are cool with sharing so you get to shag her every son often, not to mention pay her bills....or you need to start thinking with the grey matter between your actual ears and get out of this. Stop with the it's hard to dump her nonsense. No, it really isn't hard at all.

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What is with some guys liking crazy girls who treat them like crap and also use them blatantly? She has no career prospects and has no competency for life, except to use men for money.

 

 

What the hell are you thinking? She's playing you for a fool, and you're like a puppy dog. It's sad and cringey.

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WOW!!! Where do I start with this? First let me say you need to start having respect for your self as your hot mess of a gf has no respect for you at all.

 

She self diagnosed her supposed mental health issue? Seriously man? Come on wake up!! This woman is totally playing you with this mental health problem that has never been diagnosed by a trained professional. She is using that as an excuse to be an immature, irresponsible, disrespectful party girl. This woman has no boundaries for a relationship.

I would have cancelled moving to NYC, dropped her when she said you were killing her fun while she was in Ibiza, packed her stuff up and left it at her parents house.

 

This woman does not respect you at all! She is in Ibiza with strange guys who paid for the whole trip for her and her ty gf's. You said likes gifts, I assume she likes money being spent on her also, you think she is going to be in Ibiza with her ty, party gf's and not hook up with any of those guys. Truthfully it sounds like there is going to be an orgy going on with that group in the place they are going. Ibiza is a very wild, no holds barred party place...

 

I would cut my losses with this woman who could care less about you and whatever relationship you two have...

 

Do yourself a favor and find a more mature, adutl woman, who is stable and ready to have a real adult relationship...

 

I apologize if I am being harsh but this situation should be totally unacceptable from your point of view.

 

I wish you luck...

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I don't want to alarm you, but if there is any chance she has BPD run!!.... I spent 20 years with a woman who suffers from this and it was horrible. She liked the night life also, even at 40. She would party and I would be left home with our children.

 

This was a small issue compared with other problems. Bipolar suffers have a propensity to be unfaithful and my ex was no exception..... 10+ incidents of physical and emotional affairs and one night stands. I will never put myself in this position again!!

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Hey OP

 

Id maybe ask you to stop confronting her and asking questions and telling her your not happy with the whole situation. It shows you up in the spotlight making you look insecure and a needy boyfriend. She`s going to go no matter what you say. However if she was respectful she would not go.

 

You have to let her get on with things and enjoy herself. Relationships are about trust but it sounds like shes lost respect for you and is not frightened to lose you. Imagine saying to you in your earlier post that if wanted to talk to like her if she was single then she will!?

 

You might want to step back a little and she is an adult and she can go where ever she choses. If you stop her. You risk being the "possessive" boyfriend.

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  • 4 weeks later...

My girlfriend certainly wouldn't appreciate me going to stay over at some other girls cottage and party all weekend with a bunch of girls.

 

Sometimes you have to set boundaries and stick to them no matter how difficult. If you just let someone do whatever they please and treat you like a doormat they will loose all respect for you. No woman can love a guy she does not respect.

 

 

I would just say, "The choice is yours. You know I do not feel comfortable with it and this would be going against my boundaries. You certainly wouldn't appreciate me sleeping over at a girl's cottage and partying all night while you are away. You are free to go, but this relationship would not continue as we clearly have different values and boundaries."

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