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GF going to Ibiza with her friends. And guys she hasn't met yet.


RealeighJ
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We are due to move to a new apartment on the 1st (yesterday) - but now delayed a week because a trip to Ibiza came about. She said it was people in her club industry but turns out it is some trust fund guys who are hosting a bunch of girls at a house in Ibiza for a week. Her trip and her 2 gf's trip was paid for by the guy in the club industry, and his friends are hosts at the house. There are 3-5 more girls at the house roughly.

 

When she left, she didn't say she didn't know these guys. She's been hanging out with them the same crew the whole time. A few days into the trip, I text her saying I am not ok with her going on trips paid for by guys she has not met, but she assures me nothing is going on. Am I being too jealous, should I let her have her fun and trust her?

 

She tells me she likes to travel and meet new people and I don't. But says she isn't doing anything with them. Your thoughts?

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It seems very strange she wouldn't give you all the facts to begin with.

 

You should definitely tell her that in future you expect better communication; it's very dodgy to be putting herself in this sort of situation, and questionable she would hide such details.

 

I agree. She needs to be a lot more transparent in the future.

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When I brought it up, she acted very defensive about it. She says I am ruining her trip and for once she is having a good time. Her social media posts all suggest these guys are just trying to make a move on her and her gf's. Actually, her 2 gf's already hooked up with the guys. She also says my behavior is the reason her friends don't want to meet me.

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When I brought it up, she acted very defensive about it. She says I am ruining her trip and for once she is having a good time. Her social media posts all suggest these guys are just trying to make a move on her and her gf's. Actually, her 2 gf's already hooked up with the guys. She also says my behavior is the reason her friends don't want to meet me.

 

How long have you been together? Have you not met any of her friends, or just these specific ones?

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When I brought it up, she acted very defensive about it. She says I am ruining her trip and for once she is having a good time. Her social media posts all suggest these guys are just trying to make a move on her and her gf's. Actually, her 2 gf's already hooked up with the guys. She also says my behavior is the reason her friends don't want to meet me.

 

This is worrying. Extremely, in fact.

 

Defensiveness in this situation is rarely a good sign; she's got her guard up for some reason. "For once she is having a good time" is indicative that she may not be happy with the relationship and is searching for something more engaging (in her eyes). If her social media posts suggest those lads are trying to hook up with them, then she shouldn't be in that situation. And if her friends don't like you (and are promiscuous), they're going to have an influence on her.

 

Simply put, if this were my GF, I'd say something along the lines of "I have no issue with you going on holiday with friends and having a good time, but you withheld the details of you also going with a group of guys that are hosting the event. I don't like the fact you've put yourself in an environment where you're going to be living with guys who hit on you, especially when your friends are already hooking up with them".

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How long have you been together? Have you not met any of her friends, or just these specific ones?

 

6 months. I have not met any of her friends, except for 1 gay guy and 2 gf's who don't have best reputation. These two new girls, 1 she is close friends with, the other she just met through her close friend.

 

I would have an issue that she wasn't upfront about this to begin with.

People usually tell lies and hide things for a reason.

I don't think you're being jealous at all.

Thanks.

 

This is worrying. Extremely, in fact.

 

Defensiveness in this situation is rarely a good sign; she's got her guard up for some reason. "For once she is having a good time" is indicative that she may not be happy with the relationship and is searching for something more engaging (in her eyes). If her social media posts suggest those lads are trying to hook up with them, then she shouldn't be in that situation. And if her friends don't like you (and are promiscuous), they're going to have an influence on her.

 

Simply put, if this were my GF, I'd say something along the lines of "I have no issue with you going on holiday with friends and having a good time, but you withheld the details of you also going with a group of guys that are hosting the event. I don't like the fact you've put yourself in an environment where you're going to be living with guys who hit on you, especially when your friends are already hooking up with them".

 

Her 2 other gf's recently became single. First day, one of them started hooking up with one of the 4 guys. Now, the other one seems to be cozying up according to social stories.

 

She's been wanting to move to another major state [biggst city in US] because where we currently are she is "depressed" - hence why she says she is having a good time for once after being depressed.

 

Also, I had a business trip a few weeks ago which I was supposed to go alone. It was morning til night work. She insisted she come, which she did - but kept nagging for my time and said I don't show her enough affection.

 

I told her over text I don;'t like the situation and I feel she is acting single. Her response was: "If you want me to be single, I will" and she also said "You clearly just want to push me away."

 

She says she is having a good time and I am trying to ruin it because I think everyone is trying to her. She is a great looking girl btw.

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Also, I had a business trip a few weeks ago which I was supposed to go alone. It was morning til night work. She insisted she come, which she did - but kept nagging for my time and said I don't show her enough affection.

 

And I'm sure if she does end up sucking some guy off, that'll be her excuse for doing so. I hope it doesn't come to that, truly.

 

Look, we don't know for certain and unfortunately these situations can go either way. The very best thing to do is tell her you're unhappy with the fact she withheld information, and that the situation she's put herself in is inappropriate.

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While she's away reflect on if you want to move in with someone like this or cut your losses after dating only 6 mos.

 

And I'm sure if she does end up sucking some guy off, that'll be her excuse for doing so. I hope it doesn't come to that, truly.

 

Look, we don't know for certain and unfortunately these situations can go either way. The very best thing to do is tell her you're unhappy with the fact she withheld information, and that the situation she's put herself in is inappropriate.

 

I'm sure she'll never come out and say "I did this" but she has severe anxiety and from what I think possibly Borderline Personality Disorder.. so she has made many rash decisions in past to break up for 1 - 2 days or even a few hours.

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I'm sure she'll never come out and say "I did this" but she has severe anxiety and from what I think possibly Borderline Personality Disorder.. so she has made many rash decisions in past that turn into 1 - 2 day breakups or even a few hours.

 

Yeah this doesn't sound good. Emotionally unstable people are the first to make poor decisions such as this. Not to be judgmental, I know such mental conditions can be hard to deal with.

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Yeah this doesn't sound good. Emotionally unstable people are the first to make poor decisions such as this. Not to be judgmental, I know such mental conditions can be hard to deal with.

 

I appreciate your responses very much. And yes, this has been a concern for me. But even I have issues with letting go it seems. Not sure what to do in this situation. I know she is not doing anything at this moment, but she seems to be the type that "likes" being around "nice" things. And her way of being shown love is with gifts - which she has repeated many times.

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First of all, you can't and shouldn't be telling her what she can or can't do. You've made your boundaries known, and that's about all you can do interactively.

 

For my own personal take, this isn't something I'd attend (in some bizarro world where a bunch of rich women are flying strange dudes in to host them at their beach house), and it's not something my fiancee would attend. Particularly if these women aren't being formally charged a market rate for their rooms, the old adage of there being no such thing as a free lunch would be ringing pretty loudly. That's of course not saying any single one of the guys hosting would be entitled to sex or that your girlfriend can't successfully moderate her drinking and maintain her relationship boundaries, but it's hard to imagine what's essentially looking like a frat party not leaning pretty heavily on certain expectations or a particular climate. All things remaining consensual, more power to the guys hosting and the women looking for a good time, but it would be a bit difficult to imagine what appeal it would have to an adult in a committed relationship.

 

These are her natural boundaries, for whatever reasons pure or otherwise. There's no "letting" her do anything. If it's important to you that your partner not be inclined toward these sorts of trips, or if this is a one-off thing you don't think you could get past, you may have to ask yourself some hard questions on whether this woman's the right fit for you.

 

What's it mean that your apartment move-in was somehow delayed? Did you not sign a lease that committed you to a date? If you've got informal arrangements, I'd consider at the very least holding off on moving in with her.

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I'm sure she'll never come out and say "I did this" but she has severe anxiety and from what I think possibly Borderline Personality Disorder.. so she has made many rash decisions in past to break up for 1 - 2 days or even a few hours.

 

This should concern you just as much as her partying it up in Ibiza and neglecting to have told you she was being hosted by a bunch of guys.

 

My ex was BPD. You are in for a continuous roller coaster with this, if she is not receiving any consistent treatment (and it doesn't sound as though she is) The emotional instability and rash decision-making are generally part and parcel of the condition.

 

Why did you decide to move in together after just 6 months, and 6 not-so-stable months at that?

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I already got bad vibes from your girlfriend after she accepted a FREE trip from a group of guys. I mean come on, what dude would entirely PAY for a woman’s trip, exclude her boyfriend, and not expecting something from her in return? Then they arrange accommodations of having her and her SINGLE girlfriends stay at their personal vacation home. To be honest, this whole thing sounds like a gangbang set up. No way, not appropriate when you are in a relationship with someone to be accepting a free trip with those accommodations.

 

Plus she lied and withheld information.

 

I told her over text I don;'t like the situation and I feel she is acting single. Her response was: "If you want me to be single, I will" and she also said "You clearly just want to push me away."

She doesn’t respect your feelings or relationship boundaries at all. And she wants to use mental illness to justify her behavior to you?

 

For someone in a 6 month relationship to be acting this way, I’d dump her ass and show her the door if I were you. Nope, don’t let her move in with you (especially NOT with someone you’ve been dating at 6 months). She doesn’t deserve you.

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This should concern you just as much as her partying it up in Ibiza and neglecting to have told you she was being hosted by a bunch of guys.

 

My ex was BPD. You are in for a continuous roller coaster with this, if she is not receiving any consistent treatment (and it doesn't sound as though she is) The emotional instability and rash decision-making are generally part and parcel of the condition.

 

Why did you decide to move in together after just 6 months, and 6 not-so-stable months at that?

 

We fell for each other very fast, made it official after about 1.5 months. So 7.5 months total. Since then she has wanted to move to nyc but says she stayed where we are now "because of me" - but nyc is in her heart. She is particularly interested in working nightlife and can make more in nyc. To me, it doesn't matter, I'm fine financially anywhere as I run my own biz. But she's said many times she wants to get nyc out of her system.

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The apartment will by [our] second home for only 6 months in nyc. It's already paid for this month and security deposit. This trip just came about 2 - 3 days before the 1st.

 

At first it was supposed to be in another city, and now it is in Ibiza.

Why are you moving in with someone you barely know? 6 months is not enough time to know someone well enough to trust them to manage a household.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would be talking to the landlord in canceling or seek a roommate. This girl BLEW your trust and things will not get better when she comes back from the trip. She’s a liar.

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We fell for each other very fast, made it official after about 1.5 months. So 7.5 months total. Since then she has wanted to move to nyc but says she stayed where we are now "because of me" - but nyc is in her heart. She is particularly interested in working nightlife and can make more in nyc. To me, it doesn't matter, I'm fine financially anywhere as I run my own biz. But she's said many times she wants to get nyc out of her system.

 

This is also quite consistent with people suffering BPD, if that's in fact the case with her. The highs are high and dizzying and seem great, and the lows are very difficult to deal with. I don't believe you two are in any position (relationship-wise) to be living together right now. There isn't enough stability and consistency to support a relationship in which you live together. What's going to happen when you break up again, for a few hours or a few days? Where is she (or you) going to go?

 

Also, if she wants to work the nightlife circuit, you can probably expect more of the same hard-partying behaviour from her. And my guess is that she knew about this trip longer than she lets on.

 

I would strongly advise you to take a big step back and ask if this is really what you're looking for in a relationship.

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I cringed at the thought, but let's hope that's not the case.

A group of single guys bringing women over to their house on a foreign country. Why? She truly is that stupid and doesn’t think they will use money (paying for that vacation for all of them) as an excuse that they owe them something?

 

Seriously, why did the girlfriend accept the trip and then HIDE the details from the OP? And since he’s never met these guys, im pretty sure she didn’t tell them that she’s got a boyfriend either.

 

This whole scenerio is sketchy as hell. Yuck!

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Reading this thread, it sounds like the relationship is doomed and you're just trying to hold onto her. If she really is bipolar or has borderline personality disorder, there's not much you can do. All you can do is be the guy who she comes home to to crash. It's not a healthy relationship, but I suspect you already know that. And, of course, the situation is a lot more complicated than your original question.

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