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Should I try to help an ex who is beginning to spiral downward


dwarefunguy
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I wrote a post a week or two ago about my ex who was playing mind games. I have recently found out from a few of her friends that she is not doing well at all. She dumped me in May because she lost attraction to me.

 

I was told she had a quick three week rebound with some guy who then dumped her, meaning she was probably playing those games after they were done. She also has called me drunk, saying some things that were not kind. She apologized later and all was well, to the point she was going to invite me over to catch up but canceled last minute before lying saying she had a boyfriend, which her friend messaged me saying she doesn't.

 

Her friend also told me some guys online rejected her, saying she was not attractive and the a******s were very rude to her, helping her downward spiral.

 

Her one friend is telling me to wait it out because my ex was never happier than when she was with me and she is doing this as a defense mechanism. meanwhile my ex says we are never going to be together again.

 

She also has a illness, which this, along with her heavy drinking and semi isolation has me worried

 

Truth is I still love her and would do almost anything to get back together with her. But i would shelve everything going on because her well being is way more important than trying to reconcile right now. I know a lot of people are going to say leave her and dont look back, but I can not do that so If anyone has any other advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

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I would not intervene. i would ask her friends not to report to you about her, but encourage her instead to see doctors, enroll in rehab. They are triangulating - trying to get a third party to speak to a person they have a problem with so they don't have to do the dirty work. btw, you don't know if this is all fact - its just the story the friends spin. The only third party appropriate them to call is if she is relatively young - college aged - then calling her parents might be in the cards. For your own mental health do not try to rescue her. When she is ready and realizes things are out of control - that's when she will seek help.

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I have recently found out from a few of her friends that she is not doing well at all. She dumped me in May because she lost attraction to me.

Her friend also told me some guys online rejected her, saying she was not attractive and the a******s were very rude to her, helping her downward spiral.

 

Her one friend is telling me to wait it out because my ex was never happier than when she was with me and she is doing this as a defense mechanism. meanwhile my ex says we are never going to be together again.

 

For someone who is an ex, you seem overly involved in knowing what’s going on with her personal business. Stop being a busybody. Her friends need to knock it off on the oversharing the details of her personal life. Really, they are acting like a bunch of Drama Queens. All this crap is doing you a major disservice of healing from a break up.

 

You need to let her and her friends go. They are not your people. You both are done and it’s time to move on. Let her solve her own problems. Quit thing to be the white knight of her (and her friends’) personal drama.

 

She also has a illness, which this, along with her heavy drinking and semi isolation has me worried

 

Truth is I still love her and would do almost anything to get back together with her. But i would shelve everything going on because her well being is way more important than trying to reconcile right now. I know a lot of people are going to say leave her and dont look back, but I can not do that

You are not in charge of her mental health. You are not her therapist. That is way out of your jurisdiction. The only person who is responsible for it is HER and she needs to work through it. She is an adult and fully capable of making these choices.

 

You need to face the fact that you are no longer her support system and need to make that extremely clear to her friends anytime they wish to talk to you about her. If she has a problem, she needs to seek professional help, family and friends. By all means, you are considered out.

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OP, I understand that being with someone for 4 years is not that easy to get past and move on. It's a difficult decision both ways, for her and for you. Reading your previous posts, you have tried to get back together - she doesn't want to. Time for you to start accepting that she really does mean that. Also, stop pumping her friends for information. You aren't doing yourself any favors. What her friends tell you about her doesn't matter at all. What matters is what she is telling you, even if she chooses to lie to you, she has her reasons. Either way, she keeps rebuffing you and that is your current reality. You can't help or keep trying to get involved with someone who doesn't want you doing it. Step away, because the more you try, the more you'll drive her away and the uglier this break up will get.

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OP, I understand that being with someone for 4 years is not that easy to get past and move on. It's a difficult decision both ways, for her and for you. Reading your previous posts, you have tried to get back together - she doesn't want to. Time for you to start accepting that she really does mean that. Also, stop pumping her friends for information. You aren't doing yourself any favors. What her friends tell you about her doesn't matter at all. What matters is what she is telling you, even if she chooses to lie to you, she has her reasons. Either way, she keeps rebuffing you and that is your current reality. You can't help or keep trying to get involved with someone who doesn't want you doing it. Step away, because the more you try, the more you'll drive her away and the uglier this break up will get.
This....

 

And

 

It's not possible for you to be her teacher/healer/coach/trainer. She will never see u in that light. It's not an Avenue u can successfully persue.

 

NC and move on.

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I wrote a post a week or two ago about my ex who was playing mind games. I have recently found out from a few of her friends that she is not doing well at all. She dumped me in May because she lost attraction to me.

 

I was told she had a quick three week rebound with some guy who then dumped her, meaning she was probably playing those games after they were done. She also has called me drunk, saying some things that were not kind. She apologized later and all was well, to the point she was going to invite me over to catch up but canceled last minute before lying saying she had a boyfriend, which her friend messaged me saying she doesn't.

 

Her friend also told me some guys online rejected her, saying she was not attractive and the a******s were very rude to her, helping her downward spiral.

 

Her one friend is telling me to wait it out because my ex was never happier than when she was with me and she is doing this as a defense mechanism. meanwhile my ex says we are never going to be together again.

 

She also has a illness, which this, along with her heavy drinking and semi isolation has me worried

 

Truth is I still love her and would do almost anything to get back together with her. But i would shelve everything going on because her well being is way more important than trying to reconcile right now. I know a lot of people are going to say leave her and dont look back, but I can not do that so If anyone has any other advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

As someone who has also been in a four year relationship, I'm telling you...

 

Stop looking into her life. Block and delete, cut her off completely.

 

There's no point, dude. She's gone. It's a hard pill to swallow, but one you simply must do in order to start the healing process and get on with your life.

 

Besides, why would you want a girl who clearly does not have any respect for you and has already tried getting with other guys. I absolutely guarantee you 100% that the only reason she would ever get back together is if this rejection continued and she felt she had no other option.

 

You had great times together, I'm sure. Eventually she'll cherish those memories. But the relationship is dead, and you need to get on with your own life. If she continues to spiral downwards, that's on her and it's her responsibility to take action to fix it.

 

Lastly, the reason why people tell you to move on is because that is your best option, and really your only option. If you continue to keep involved with her life, that is problematic behavior and could land you in trouble. It's also unhealthy for you. You don't want to listen to that because you know, deep down, it is the truth. :icon_sad:

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You need to go NC and block her, delete her and erase her. This is so she can't drunk call you and continue to keep you from healing. Keep in mind that she broke up with you, and she's out dating three different guys, getting drunk and partying. And this is the girl you're trying to reconcile with?

 

Face it, the relationship is over. There's always a dumper and a dumpee. And the dumpee is the one who can't believe they've been dump. Face it. She'll only want you when she's burned through everyone else. Move on. Find a nice girl who isn't crazy and who loves you.

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Simple answer: No. You're trolling for excuses to involve yourself with her, but all adults being equal, she's capable of handling her own life. If not, she's capable of reaching for the help she needs.

 

Head high, and focus FORward--on building your own life. You will thank yourself later.

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No, you should not try to help her. She has friends and family to do that. At most, explain to her friend that you are very concerned about her and to please guide your ex in the direction of the help she needs.

 

And then, stop communicating with her friends about her. It's not helping you and your help probably won't do anything for her, either.

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Her friends, family, doctors, AA, etc should be dealing with this. It sounds like you miss the drama. Your reappearance will not help her alcoholism and all it's consequences, including healthy guys rejecting her, isolating herself, etc..

Her friend also told me some guys online rejected her, saying she was not attractive and the a******s were very rude to her, helping her downward spiral.She also has a illness, which this, along with her heavy drinking and semi isolation has me worried

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No. There is no way you can truly help her with this. The only ones who can help are mental health professionals and those who she mutually loves, not a pining ex. I'm sorry, but you are not the one for the job. It is better for you and her to go your separate ways, if you honestly want to help her. All of your "helping" will only come off as some guy who doesn't want to let go of his ex and will grasp at any straws, under the guise of a noble cause, to keep her. It is quite obvious.

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I have to agree with them, dwarefunguy. This is a really difficult situation and it seems best to leave to medical professionals. It is unfortunate but getting involved with her will cause you a lot of more problems, pain and maybe even disaster. You have to think about yourself in this situation and protect yourself.

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