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Boyfriend saying yes and then changing his mind


Mikaila
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Hello All,

 

So the thing is I attend more or less frequently couple dance classes. I have been doing this since November and before I met my boyfriend. I asked him to come with me to one of them because I would like to share this with him even only once and we would dance together (even if usually women rotate from a partner to another). He is a person who wants to practice things before doing things so understanding that we have practised together. On Saturday he told me that he was coming with me on Wednesday but then on Monday he had already changed his mind. It wasn't the first time. A month ago he had already done the same, said I will come with you next week (with me not asking but only mentioning that I was going back to these classes, as I was doing another thing at that time) but then he did not (ok there was a world cup match). Finally on Monday I said to him, not to tell me if he was coming or not but just show up if he felt up for it. It was becoming a bit hurtful with him doing that, even if he does it to please me. Did I do the right thing? He knows that I go there not to meet other guys but because I enjoy and it helps with my shyness.

 

Thanks,

 

Mikaila

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Not all guys are natural dancers and he probably doesn't want to look stupid, especially when you won't be his sole dance partner. I wouldn't ask him again and keep this as your own hobby that you do separately. In addition to your own hobby, you can also find a couples hobby he'll be excited about.

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Not all guys are natural dancers and he probably doesn't want to look stupid, especially when you won't be his sole dance partner. I wouldn't ask him again and keep this as your own hobby that you do separately. In addition to your own hobby, you can also find a couples hobby he'll be excited about.

 

Hi Andrina, thanks for your comment. That's the thing, after asking him and explaining why this would be important to me, I have not asked him to come with me anymore. But when I have mentioned the classes or ask him to practice with me he said that he will come with me and then doesn't. And he would be my sole dance partner (couple if want can stay together) and I told him so. And we have couple hobbies that we both like; as I said I would like for me to come only once but I am fine if he doesn't what worries me is that he says (without me asking) I will come with you and then he doesn't. So did I do well in saying come if and whenever you feel ready?

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It sounds like he's not interested in doing this. Go yourself and enjoy. Assume he would rather have root canal than do this and is trying to be agreeable but just can't go through with it after thinking about it. So stop asking.

 

Why not find a joint activity that you both pursue and enjoy? Ask him about that. For example, what do you do on weekends? What mutually interesting things can you find to do?

Saturday he told me that he was coming with me on Wednesday but then on Monday he had already changed his mind. It wasn't the first time. A month ago he had already done the same, said I will come with you next week
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I think it's fine to ask he not say he'll come and letting him know he's welcome to just tag along the day of if he feels so compelled. While going back on something he said he'd do isn't a great practice, it's fortunately regarding something you're going to be doing anyway and anyhow. I'm not sure I'd have made any issue of it personally, again, especially if I'm not really being put out in any way logistically speaking, but it's fair to make the request if you feel so compelled in this sort of situation.

 

At the same time, I'd practice being a bit more conscientious with the activities you invite him out to. Personally, I love dancing. Was born and raised with Spanish and Latin dancing, took a couple classes when I wanted to learn some different styles of Swing. Still, I wouldn't have thought to invite a partner of mine to a class mid-season (or likely at all as I wasn't taking beginners classes) and to be that awkward couple in the class who only dances with each other (not sure who's insisting on that between the two of you). Doesn't sound like a good time at all, putting myself in her shoes. And if she weren't someone who particularly enjoyed dancing, it would speak that much more to it. Yes, she should hypothetically be fine saying no, but I also exercise my own practice of not unnecessarily putting my partner in a position to have to say no. It's not something people generally enjoy.

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I think it's fine to ask he not say he'll come and letting him know he's welcome to just tag along the day of if he feels so compelled. While going back on something he said he'd do isn't a great practice, it's fortunately regarding something you're going to be doing anyway and anyhow. I'm not sure I'd have made any issue of it personally, again, especially if I'm not really being put out in any way logistically speaking, but it's fair to make the request if you feel so compelled in this sort of situation.

 

At the same time, I'd practice being a bit more conscientious with the activities you invite him out to. Personally, I love dancing. Was born and raised with Spanish and Latin dancing, took a couple classes when I wanted to learn some different styles of Swing. Still, I wouldn't have thought to invite a partner of mine to a class mid-season (or likely at all as I wasn't taking beginners classes) and to be that awkward couple in the class who only dances with each other (not sure who's insisting on that between the two of you). Doesn't sound like a good time at all, putting myself in her shoes. And if she weren't someone who particularly enjoyed dancing, it would speak that much more to it. Yes, she should hypothetically be fine saying no, but I also exercise my own practice of not unnecessarily putting my partner in a position to have to say no. It's not something people generally enjoy.

 

Hi J.Man. Thank you for your comment. I see, what you mean. Of course I don't want him to be uncomfortable. I had not thought about that. We do so many things together so it is fine if I continue on my own. Do you think it is fine if I ask to practice with me? Or is it better if I stop mentioning this altogether? I don't want him to keep saying (without me asking, I keep to stress this) that he will come and then chainging his mind.

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It sounds like he's not interested in doing this. Go yourself and enjoy. Assume he would rather have root canal than do this and is trying to be agreeable but just can't go through with it after thinking about it. So stop asking.

 

Why not find a joint activity that you both pursue and enjoy? Ask him about that. For example, what do you do on weekends? What mutually interesting things can you find to do?

 

Hi Andrina, thanks for your comment. That's the thing, after asking him and explaining why this would be important to me, I have not asked him to come with me anymore. But when I have mentioned the classes or ask him to practice with me he said that he will come with me and then doesn't. And he would be my sole dance partner (couple if want can stay together) and I told him so. And we have couple hobbies that we both like; as I said I would like for me to come only once but I am fine if he doesn't what worries me is that he says (without me asking) I will come with you and then he doesn't. So did I do well in saying come if and whenever you feel ready?

 

Hi Wiseman, thank you for your comment. Please read my reply to Andreina. That's not the problem.

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My husband cant dance, he's got more than two left feet. I suspect your bf is embarrassed at his ability to dance. Maybe lay off him if he doesnt want to go.

 

My husband cant dance, he's got more than two left feet. I suspect your bf is embarrassed at his ability to dance. Maybe lay off him if he doesnt want to go.

 

Hi Andrina, thanks for your comment. That's the thing, after asking him and explaining why this would be important to me, I have not asked him to come with me anymore. But when I have mentioned the classes or ask him to practice with me he said that he will come with me and then doesn't. And he would be my sole dance partner (couple if want can stay together) and I told him so. And we have couple hobbies that we both like; as I said I would like for me to come only once but I am fine if he doesn't what worries me is that he says (without me asking) I will come with you and then he doesn't. So did I do well in saying come if and whenever you feel ready?

 

Hi Melancholy123, thank you for your comment. Please read my reply to Andreina. That's not the problem.

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However the solution is easy and simple and remains the same regardless of the problem. Just stop asking him. Does he blow off other things or actual plans?

Hi Melancholy123, thank you for your comment. Please read my reply to Andreina. That's not the problem.

Hi Wiseman, thank you for your comment. Please read my reply to Andreina. That's not the problem.
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However the solution is easy and simple and remains the same regardless of the problem. Just stop asking him. Does he blow off other things or actual plans?

 

Hi Wiseman, no he doesn't. The point is I am not asking him to come and in fact last time we were just practising together and he said he was coming on his own without me asking. Should I stop asking him to help me practice and mentioning the classes altogether? I am fine with him not wanting to come but if he says on his own that he will come and then doesn't I am hurt. That's why I said to him that he doesn't have to say if he will come or not, just to come if he wants and that it is fine if he doesn't.

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Look he is not comfortable with it and doesn't want to do it at all. It would be nice if you could be understanding of that and stop asking him period. It's just not his thing and I do think that you are unfairly trying to force this on him and make an issue out of this and there is simply no need for that.

 

You said you already do a lot together, so have this one thing as just your thing. That's actually healthy for relationships. Doing things together is great. But having some things you do apart is also important. If he ever comes to you and tells you that he wants to learn and participate, then go nuts. But honestly, don't hold your breath about it. I doubt he ever will and that's OK.

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Given that it seems the entire point of practicing was to prepare him to follow up on your request of him joining you in the class, asking him to practice is going to be taken as an indirectly expressed expectation he go with you. I'd stop asking.

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Given that it seems the entire point of practicing was to prepare him to follow up on your request of him joining you in the class, asking him to practice is going to be taken as an indirectly expressed expectation he go with you. I'd stop asking.

 

I see, ok. I had not realised that. Thanks for your help.

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Look he is not comfortable with it and doesn't want to do it at all. It would be nice if you could be understanding of that and stop asking him period. It's just not his thing and I do think that you are unfairly trying to force this on him and make an issue out of this and there is simply no need for that.

 

You said you already do a lot together, so have this one thing as just your thing. That's actually healthy for relationships. Doing things together is great. But having some things you do apart is also important. If he ever comes to you and tells you that he wants to learn and participate, then go nuts. But honestly, don't hold your breath about it. I doubt he ever will and that's OK.

 

Thanks DancingFool. Exactly, it is ok.

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Yeah, stop asking. Let the subject die. You'll probably find the lack of pressure may end up resulting in him attending at some point, but just don't hold your breath.

 

You handled the situation fine, no issues there. Just remember, he's an adult and gets to make his own decisions too. :)

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Yeah, stop asking. Let the subject die. You'll probably find the lack of pressure may end up resulting in him attending at some point, but just don't hold your breath.

 

You handled the situation fine, no issues there. Just remember, he's an adult and gets to make his own decisions too. :)

 

Thanks LightWave93! Absolutely!

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I said to him, not to tell me if he was coming or not but just show up if he felt up for it.

 

This is fine, and I'd stop asking him to practice at home, as well. Just drop the subject--and your expectations. If BF ever wants to surprise you by showing up, he will. Otherwise, he was open enough to practice with you and it's not his thing. Respect his limits, and focus on another thing you can do together.

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