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Rejections.


Tuna010
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Do most people have to go through many rejections before you found your significant others? I feel like most the dates I have are just one and done dates (as in only see them once and then nothing after that). Can anyone tell me about what they went through be fore they found someone they clicked with and who liked them

Also?

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I had to go on dates with about 30 men over a 2 year period before finding my future husband. Shortly before meeting my husband, I found about meetups.com. It's a lot less stressful than OLD. See if they have any good groups in your area for singles your age.

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When you meet people in real life, it's more simple in that you already know the mutual attraction is there. Of course, then you still have to date and see if other factors and personality compatibility are also there. Via online....countless dates to be honest. Just because you have things in common on paper and their pics are nice, doesn't mean that you'll actually be attracted to them in real life, let alone that it will be mutual. OLD to me always felt like digging through a giant haystack to find one needle. Granted, two of my longest LTR's came from OLD, so I guess it worked.

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I can't really speak for myself, but generally speaking people will have to go through a fair number of rejections to find someone their compatibility with.

 

It depends on perspective though; sure, you may be "rejected" in the sense that nothing comes of it and they don't wish to meet again, but that's down to a lack of chemistry. It's nothing personal, nothing you've done wrong (usually), so is rejection really the right word? They're not rejecting you as a person, simply identifying and acknowledging there's no future together. The word has a negative connotation to it, so maybe it's worth not branding these experiences as such.

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I have never used online dating sites, so I can't speak for "rejection" in terms of dates from those, but...in my life, I've been set up on dates at least a few dozen times by friends, family members, etc. Until I met my fiance (on one of these "set ups" about three years ago), I had never gone past one date with any of the guys I'd been set up with except for one, who "ghosted" me after three dates that I thought were really good (I put "ghosted" in quotes because that's what everyone calls it nowadays, but that term wasn't used a few years ago!) When I was younger, it was quite easy to see these as "rejections," but as I got older, I just realized that they were just a case of either one or both of us not being interested enough/feeling enough chemistry/just not "feeling it." Often, it was mutual -- we just weren't all that into each other. Occasionally, the guy was interested but I wasn't, and sometimes (as in the three-date guy) I was really interested but the guy obviously wasn't interested enough to continue seeing me. The point is, try not to see it as "rejection"; try to re-frame it in your mind as "We just weren't compatible," or "we weren't right for each other" or something of that nature -- not blaming anyone for "rejecting" you OR placing all the blame on yourself (e.g "Why do I keep getting rejected?") Allow yourself to be disappointed for a short time, and then move forward. That's what I did with the guy who ghosted me -- I gave him a finite period of time in which to reply to my last message, and when that time was up, I deleted his number and moved forward, even though I didn't have anyone else I was interested in. I didn't take it personally, as I would have in my 20's or even my early 30's; I reminded myself that I wanted to find someone who WAS really interested, was present, was actively responding to me and making plans, and that this guy wasn't that guy.

 

Sometimes, HOW you view a situation is just as important -- if not more so -- than the situation itself in determining how you feel. If you view these situations as "rejections," you're going to put yourself in a negative mindset, and that will affect your attitude toward dating.

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... HOW you view a situation is just as important -- if not more so -- than the situation itself in determining how you feel. If you view these situations as "rejections," you're going to put yourself in a negative mindset, and that will affect your attitude toward dating.

 

Yes, ^^^ this.

 

It helped me to think of everyone as holding a puzzle piece, and we're all just comparing those to see if they fit together. Usually they do NOT. That's nobody's fault, and it doesn't mean that one piece of a puzzle is 'better' or 'worse' than any other. It just means that two don't match.

 

Whenever someone doesn't own the capacity to 'see' and appreciate your unique value, that speaks of their limits rather than of any deficiency in you. When you are confident that you deserve the RIGHT match for you, you won't try to impress anyone who doesn't 'get' you. You'll hold out for simpatico with the person who can view you through the right lens.

 

Consider going on quick coffee meets to check out potential dates before actually dating them. This will spare you from wasting full date nights on people who you can tell in 5 minutes don't match with you.

 

Head high.

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