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losing physical attraction to my boyfriend


AlexSays
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I've been with my current boyfriend for 7 months now. The relationship is amazing. He treats me so well, and he makes me so incredibly happy, just thinking about him makes me grin ear to ear.

We have our first trip together in less than 20 days... and I am planning to lose my virginity to him during this trip (I really wanted there to be an element of new to us both - he has never been out of the country so it's his first overseas trip and well, I'll be new to sex).

 

Everything is going great except for one small big thing - I'm losing physical attraction towards him.

 

It started when they tried forcing him to cut his beard at his job, so he looked for a religion he could follow that didn't allow that. He found Sihkism and actually really enjoyed it and converted to it for real. Sihkism is a religion mostly practiced in India. (bf is american tho) Males don't shave any hair on their body in Sihkism. Now, I am totally okay with this. I like manly men, and for some reason body hair really emphasizes manliness for me. My Problem is that he looks so unkempt lately. Raggedy edges and no haircut in recent months make him look homeless. It doesn't help that he never, ever dresses up. I accepted that when I started dating him, but for this trip we are going to my birth country and he will be meeting my family and I'm so embarrassed by what they will think if I bring this homeless looking guy to them... not to mention he's the first (and hopefully last) guy I bring for them to meet. The unkemptness of his hair, beard edges, on top of his super outdated outfits, for some reason have started really putting me off lately.

 

We were doing research and it pointed to Sihkism being able to clean up their beard edges but we got distracted and never finished researching it. I don't know how to bring this back up to him.

 

This is not a deal breaker and I won't break up with him for this. He is the person I wanna be with forever. I've been saving my virginity 24 years for someone that makes me feel the way he does. I just really wish he took better care of his physical appearance. He's fit physically, so no issues whatsoever when the clothes come off, but rather when they're on. He can't dress for smack... it'd be endearing honestly but I wish he would let me dress him for certain occasions that are important to me like meeting my family for the first time.

 

I've been thinking of this non stop for the past two months... is it wrong of me to feel this way? I really have tried overlooking it but it's becoming worse... I feel like its not fair to him, but I want to be attracted to the person I lose my virginity to. Help please.

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Ugh. I think it's a combination of his appearance and perhaps you're a bit afraid of losing your virginity that you've lost your desire for him. You've made a big deal out of losing it and it can hurt for a while and there might be some bleeding. It might be the wrong time to do it. Also your parents may freak out seeing him. I think maybe you should rethink the relationship, the trip, and everything else.

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He converted to a religion just because he doesn't want to cut his beard?

 

I am all for people exploring their spiritual identity and joining whichever faith they feel calls to them, but to do so for his reason sounds superficial and, frankly-speaking, immature. That would give me pause, because for me, adopting a new religion would be a serious undertaking, carried out respectfully and with careful consideration. His thought process behind this would be off-putting to me. Sikhism is not just about a beard. Does he attend services and follow the other tenets of the faith, or just this one suits his preference for keeping his facial hair?

 

Regarding physical attraction, yes, he can still be groomed, regardless of his religious preference. He can tidy himself up, especially if he's about to meet your family for the first time. Uncut hair and beard are one thing; messy hair and beard are another. There is still plenty he can do to present a neat image of himself. The same goes for his clothes, but you already knew he doesn't enjoy dressing up. The problem is that even if he puts on nicer clothing to meet your family, he likely will revert back to wearing what he prefers most as soon as the first introduction is done. And then what? You can point out clothes you think would look great on him, but it's up to him to choose what works for him.

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He converted to a religion just because he doesn't want to cut his beard?

 

I am all for people exploring their spiritual identity and joining whichever faith they feel calls to them, but to do so for his reason sounds superficial and, frankly-speaking, immature. That would give me pause, because for me, adopting a new religion would be a serious undertaking, carried out respectfully and with careful consideration. His thought process behind this would be off-putting to me. Sikhism is not just about a beard. Does he attend services and follow the other tenets of the faith, or just this one suits his preference for keeping his facial hair?

 

Regarding physical attraction, yes, he can still be groomed, regardless of his religious preference. He can tidy himself up, especially if he's about to meet your family for the first time. Uncut hair and beard are one thing; messy hair and beard are another. There is still plenty he can do to present a neat image of himself. The same goes for his clothes, but you already knew he doesn't enjoy dressing up. The problem is that even if he puts on nicer clothing to meet your family, he likely will revert back to wearing what he prefers most as soon as the first introduction is done. And then what? You can point out clothes you think would look great on him, but it's up to him to choose what works for him.

I was thinking and going to say almost the identical thing!! MissCanuck, you saved me typing it all out, lol.

 

I also agree that a guy can have longer hair and beard etc, but there is no excuse to look unkempt. Sounds like he's become lazy and can't be bothered grooming himself and/or dressing decently when required. I too would find that off-putting and lose attraction. Remember, this is WHO and what he is. He is already showing you his true character and I highly doubt he'll change his ways. You need to decide if this is what you want in your future .... for the rest of your life, because it aint gonna change...ever. Good luck!

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Sorry, but I'd lose more respect for him for making a mockery out of a very serious religion for superficial reasons.

 

Clothes can be changed, beards can be trimmed, jobs can be moved.

 

But a religion? If he's that serious about it, he should leave you and find a nice Sihk girl. Are you converting also?

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I'll be honest, I actually think wanting to keep a beard is one of the better reasons to explore a religion. I'd be curious to know what people who disagree consider a "good" reason. For me, really wanting to keep a beard on the job ranks above being in an emotional or psychological condition which can't otherwise reconcile with their existence in the world, or the inevitable ending of it. If guy liked the beard idea, looked into it, found that the religion resonates with him, more power to him.

 

Also, you don't "lose" your virginity to anyone. He doesn't get a trophy of your vagina to add to the shelf for it. But if it's important to you to be attracted to the person you choose to have sex with, as it probably should be, you're gonna have to start asking yourself and answering some serious questions. If he's taking Sikhism seriously, he is going to be "unkempt" as, if I recall correctly, the teaching puts it on par with incest to "use the razor or shave." Obviously not my personal opinion, but I'm also not a Sikh. The entire idea is to embrace the complete naturalness of the creation of the human body.

 

This is who he is, and whether it ends up just being a phase, you should treat it as a permanent gesture. Would you enjoy it if someone stayed with you despite not being sexually attracted?

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It happened how j.man said.

My bf wasn't part of any religion before. When he discovered Sihks, he found himself really enjoying their teachings and their ideas. He went and fully converted to it, knows their rules and teachings and everything now. The other day he himself said the top lip stash was starting to get in the way of him eating so he wanted to research if he could trim it and neat up the edges, but we both got distracted with something else and never did delve into the research. I really want to bring it up to him again but I have no idea how to, mostly because he has accepted me exactly as I am.

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone that isn't sexually attracted to me, but it's not that I am not for him. Its that I'm losing it and desperately want it back. Everything else checks. How do I talk to him about this? I really do love him, and we are so compatible everywhere else.

 

I forgot to point out I am not religious what so ever. I don't practice it or belong to any, and neither did he before.

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What type of work does he do? Would a beard pose a health or safety risk, for example a proper fitting mask, etc? There are 3 things going on at least. The virginity thing, the attraction thing and the change in his looks.... and the choice/judgement of someone disrespecting a religion for the sake of a fashion, haircut/shave.. However 7 mos in and what you see is what you get.

 

It's also easy to lose respect for someone who seeks out and invents a religious conversion to rebel at work. Very immature. How old is he? You need to let him know that this disheveled appearance is turning you off, but expect the same rebellion as at his work. Don't worry about impressing your parents and bringing up an equally silly reason.

It started when they tried forcing him to cut his beard at his job, so he looked for a religion he could follow that didn't allow that. My Problem is that he looks so unkempt lately. Raggedy edges and no haircut in recent months make him look homeless. It doesn't help that he never, ever dresses up. I

Edited by Wiseman2
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This is so bizarre to me. He wont trim his mustache, despite the fact that it's becoming an issue with eating, because he needs the rules of this religion to tell him he can?? That's not how religion works....its not a set of rules you just choose to follow. It's a way of living based on your beliefs. Does your boyfriend believe it's okay to trim his mustache? If yes, then trim it. If no, then don't. Why would anyone blindly follow a rule book just to belong to a religion? If the belief isn't within you, then you're not following the religion thats for you, or you're following the religion for the wrong reasons.

 

To answer your question, you both are adults. Just have a conversation about it. "Hey babe, I've been getting a bit nervous about you meeting my family when you look so unruly. I'm fine with it, but I would really appreciate if you can try to make a great first impression because I'd like to spend my life with you..."

 

I cannot believe that you've dwelled on this for months. How do you intend to spend your life with someone that you cannot talk to? If you can't share your concerns with your partner, that will not bode well for a marriage.

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Maybe I just don't know enough Sihks, but the few that I do are quite frankly better groomed than most average guys. That seems to be very much part of that culture. So sorry, OP, but your bf using this adopted religion as an excuse not to keep himself groomed is serious bs and yes shows not only a serious lack of maturity, but something more serious as well in terms of personality issues.

 

In your shoes, I'd be alarmed about his choices and thought processes and quite frankly I would be out the door. I know he is your first serious bf, but....you have to realize that first is almost never last. Dating is kind of a learning process and you are going to make some mistakes along the way in terms of who you get involved with. When your partner's appearance is so bad it's becoming an embarrassment you do need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about that. If he carries on as is, you have some hard decisions to make in terms of what you will and will not put up with. Bottom line is that when it comes to relationships, you need to feel proud of the person next to you, not embarrassed.

 

Also, like it or not, he did go hide behind religion in order to get around workplace rules. Even if he later genuinely got interested in that, that's still pretty messed up. If you don't like what the job requires, find a different job. You don't go around finding a religion to suit your hair preference and then throw that in your employer's face in order to rebel. Be careful OP of that kind of a personality because what he will do to others, he will eventually do to you as well. His approach is whatever it takes to get his way.

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There's nothing against combing and tying - actually, it's encouraged. Most of my friends who are Sikh look quite fashionable and they are not unkept at all.

 

Sounds like your bf will go to a lot of lengths to be a slob. If that's the case, it's what you see is what you get. It's only been seven months and this is when he's trying his hardest to impress. Sex hasn't even happened yet, and this is his A game.

 

Talking or trying to let you dress him up will be an uphill battle if the guy was willing to look into religions to convert to rather than groom up - for a job, no less.

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Ok here is the story for everyone judging my boyfriend for his decision.

He works for a huge worldwide company as a security officer. He always kept his beard trimmed and to company standards but after two years of dealing with a multitude of people not following the rules (he has to enforce rules too as part of his job). He had to enforce the grooming rules as well but every time he did they made it seem like he was too strict. He asked the company about beard length and they told him and he said he will let his get that way. Now that it is, they tried telling him to cut it. The sergeant he’s under does not like him, btw, because like I said, he’s strict with rule follower, and the sergeant doesn’t follow many rules, and my bf has caught him one too many times in compromising positions.

 

He talked to some of the guys that did have long beards. All of them adopted a form of religion to keep their beard long. Babe looked into it, found one he actually really enjoyed and resonated with. It fit his lifestyle perfectly and he now converted.

 

I don’t really care about it. At all. He is not immature, in fact he’s the most mature guy I’ve ever met. He’s got his life figured out and is settled and also looking to settle. He treats me like a queen, prioritizes me, accepts me, loves me unconditionally, and it’s so refreshing to say that and actually have 0 doubts in it. I trust him in ways I’ve never trusted anyone before. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. He’s the sweetest and nicest person I’ve met, gives without expecting in return, his friends are all the same way (settled, in long term healthy relationships). we both see cheating the same way. He’s 29.

 

I have jokingly brought it up to him making jokes on how he looks homeless. I never seriously sat down to talk about it. I honestly just feel rude doing it, mainly because it’s a religion, and also because how could I be so shallow? He has never once tried to change me.

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Being a disheveled slob is not a religion. The point is you find him unattractive as such and now he has you tricked into believing it's wrong/prejudicial not to be attracted to slovenly people. What's next? He becomes a Hare Krishna shaves his head, then a Rastafarian with dreadlocks?

 

This isn't about religion or hair/shaving it's about he let himself go and got sloppy and now you are turned off

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I would honestly just talk to him about it. Tell him "you looked so great at the other beard length, or when u trimmed the edges. I miss it. That looked great! This is not working for you like the previous look did." Theres many ways of saying it. Just dont use any negative language. And clothing is a simple fix. You go to the mall with him, u pick out a few outfits, tell him he would look so good in them. Try them on. Perfect excuse- you are going on vacation soon.....

 

I've been down this road before and honestly, its a simple fix. If you approach it in a honest ,subtle way, it can be changed. For instance, one of my exes dressed in very baggy clothing. I wasnt into it at all. I wish he'd wear tighter fits . So I said " try this out." We went shopping. Or i bought him a few shirts/pants. Even after he said hes not into that type, once he put it on he loved it. !! Got compliments from everyone. Somewhere in this world he stuck to that look even many years later. A few times I suggested guys try out new haircut styles and they did. Then they loved it.

 

Try that out. It cant hurt. Nothing wrong with upgrading your partner. I think if he changed, youd get the attraction back.

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If so many people at the company had a problem with the grooming standards why didn't they go as a group to management and ask to change it. They all decided converting to a religion to keep a beard was a better idea? I'm sorry but that is stupid and beyond disrespectful.

 

This is just dumb. Tell him he looks unattractive to you. Why would you force yourself to be with someone who is unattractive in your eyes?

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If so many people at the company had a problem with the grooming standards why didn't they go as a group to management and ask to change it. They all decided converting to a religion to keep a beard was a better idea? I'm sorry but that is stupid and beyond disrespectful.

 

This is just dumb. Tell him he looks unattractive to you. Why would you force yourself to be with someone who is unattractive in your eyes?

 

I do, too.

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.....making passive aggressive jokes about what bothers you is both rude and bad communication. Sitting down with your SO and having an adult conversation about what bothers you is being respectful to the person and also communicating clearly. Also, you aren't telling him to change. That's his option. Communication is not to be confused with telling or demanding change.

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Not having ago at anyone here, but it would be worthwhile if you read her posts carefully; there seems to be a fixation on her BF's initial decision to explore religion to keep his beard, but what actually ended up happening was that he discovered a religion that spoke to him spiritually and thus he converted.

 

He did not exclusively become part of a religion because of his beard.

 

I'm adding the quotes, for clarity.

 

He found Sihkism and actually really enjoyed it and converted to it for real..

 

When he discovered Sihks, he found himself really enjoying their teachings and their ideas. He went and fully converted to it, knows their rules and teachings and everything now.

 

Babe looked into it, found one he actually really enjoyed and resonated with. It fit his lifestyle perfectly and he now converted.
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