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How and when should I reach out to my ex (weird circumstances)


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TW: sexual assault

 

My boyfriend and I were together for almost two years, we had serious plans for the future and were deeply in love. In February (while we were in bed) I told him about the sexual abuse I had suffered for most of my childhood (he already knew about it but I told him the whole story). I told him everything that happened and cried (for the first time in my life) about it. He held me, comforted me and told me how much he loved me. I told him that I’d accepted what had happened but I wouldn’t know how to handle it if I found out there were victims after me (since I never reported it to the police, my family were very against this).

A couple of weeks later, I got a phone call from my parents that it had happened to someone else too. This was on the day I was throwing a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I broke down, cried hysterically and only my best friend knew since she was in the room with me at the time. I went ahead with the rest of the night (the cake ended up burning while I was crying) and some people made comments about it which I was quite touchy about. That night my boyfriend tried to leave but I had a panic attack about it, I was really scared of sleeping alone that night. He reluctantly agreed to stay and this was the first of many “crazy” incidents. In the following months I got progressively worse. I went from being a happy, positive and upbeat person to a depressed, clingy and insecure mess. I never found a right opportunity to tell him as he was very stressed with exams and job applications (it was his last year at university).

A couple more months went by and I finally decided I wanted to go to the police with my case. I called my mum (for the first time in weeks, my relationship with her really broke down during this time) and told her this. We agreed that I’d do it after my exams and tell my boyfriend once his exams were done too.

On the day of my last exam he broke up with me. Everything I had been holding in blew up and my reaction to the break up was really bad. I was so terrified of being alone, especially through something so difficult. The break up was bad (we both said and did dumb things). We met up three weeks after the break up and slept together twice. He then got really emotional and told me he thinks of me all the time and misses me. I told him I didn’t want to lose my best friend and he said I wouldn’t. After this he blocked me on everything and any attempts I’ve made to speak to him have been fruitless.

I don’t blame him at all for the breakup, but the way he acted afterwards wasn’t nice. I personally wouldn’t treat someone that way but I guess I shouldn’t judge since I wasn’t in his position.

A few months have passed, I’ve reported the abuse to the police and I’m going forward with the case. I’m also going to therapy so I’m in a much better place, I’m way happier too. I’ve lost a ton of weight and generally I’m the best I’ve ever been. I’ve rebuilt my relationship with my parents and friends, all that’s left is getting closure with my ex.

Since I’m blocked on everything and any attempts to reach out haven’t worked, I’m not sure what to do. I’m on generally good terms with his family so I was considering going to his mums place and speaking to her but I’m not sure if that’s crazy?? I just feel like this news is pretty ty to hear through a voice note or a text message. The other option is a letter but I have no idea if or when he’d read it. He may see it’s from me and just throw it away, I don’t know.

Has anyone been in a similar position? Any advice?

Thanks :)

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Sorry to hear this. Breaking up, no contact and being blocked Is closure. Good you are getting help and moving forward. Focus on that, not him. He doesn't have to be your friend. Do not attempt to contact him or stalk him. Let go.

On the day of my last exam he broke up with me.

After this he blocked me on everything and any attempts I’ve made to speak to him have been fruitless.

all that’s left is getting closure with my ex.

I’m blocked on everything and any attempts to reach out haven’t worked

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Do not go his mother and speak to her. If he has blocked you on everything, this would be completely over-stepping a boundary.

 

What closure do you need from your ex? Closure is a construct of most dumpee's minds, unfortunately. Things rarely ever end neatly and with both parties feeling ready to move on, so seeking closure is usually a futile pursuit. Your closure comes from acceptance that he doesn't wish to hear from you, and you can move on with your life. This isn't news he needs to know about, and he hasn't left any doors open to you.

 

I know it hurts, but he has made it very clear that he does not want you in his life anymore.

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I'm sorry. What you went through and are going through is very hard, and if it caused you to act in counterproductive ways in the relationship, it really is a shame. However, you are assuming too much and taking all of the blame for your relationship not working out, both behaviors that indicate you do not have a healthy perspective on your last relationship.

 

Your ex has clearly communicated to you that he desires no contact, so he can move on with his life. You chose not confide in him or be honest about what was occurring regarding the sexual assault cause before. It would be very inappropriate to contact him and talk about your personal affairs now that you aren't together. It would definitely be perceived as desperate and/or crazy if you try to relay information through his mother, and it sounds like you've acted erratically enough.

 

Share your story and accomplishments regarding moving forward from your sexual abuse with people you trust that care about you now. You would be disappointed by any response he would give you anyway.

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your story is so similar to mine.

 

all I can say is don't contact him. What I do is write an email/letter pouring out my soul but I usually don't sent it. I made that mistake often and it only hurts more- and knowing myself I will probably do it again but I hope not.... he will most likely feel bad and contact you when he wants...sadly and it will hurt a lot when does.

 

we seem to care a lot more than the men in our lives do, and we deserve kind people in our lives.

 

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There's always a dumper and the dumpee. And most of the time, the dumpee is blindsided by a break up. It's hard to accept that a relationship is over. And people feel they didn't get closure. But as Wiseman2 said, you have your closure. The relationship is over. The closure is accepting it. Don't act like a crazy ex-girlfriend.

 

Hopefully you will get some closure from pursuing a court case against your abuser and can move on in your personal life too.

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Sorry to hear this.

 

Unfortunately, the closure is that he has ended the relationship. Why, how long he's been thinking about it, reasons for not doing it sooner, who he may be speaking to now etc aren't relevant. What is relevant, is how you move forward.

 

You've come a long way without him. A lot of people would be inactive during their grief, but you've turned it around into a positive by dealing with the past abuse, therapy, weight etc.

 

There's no point going backwards. Keep going forwards. That's where all the good stuff is!

 

If anything, it is him who has to act. You shouldn't overstep his boundary of no contact, it's disrespectful and may get you in trouble. You don't need that after all the good that's happened.

 

Proud of you, stay strong! :)

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