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Girlfriend wants marriage soon, I do not


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I love my girlfriend and enjoy being with her and she feels the same about me, however she desperately wants to get engaged/married soon(

 

It seems that she is unable to be happy with any compromise at all. If it's not as soon as she wants, it's too long. She feels very strongly about this and brings it up quite periodically, the other night she got upset and cried for a while over it. I just couldn't give her the answer she wanted to hear, there's no appeasement. She thinks that I don't want the same things that she does and that I don't feel the same way, but I do love her, I just don't want marriage right now is all. I don't feel like I'm leading her on, I just wish she'd relax and be happy together as we are now. I wish that she would trust me and let things happen naturally, not forcing them before we're both ready.

 

I feel like if we can't get on the same page, breaking up would be best for the both of us. The difficulty is definitely in giving up the investment in our relationship so far; All of the memories, trips, pictures, etc. I feel terrible about giving those things up over this. Another issue is in the way she was talking the other night, and this is where I feel like things took a turn for the worst.. she didn't outright say it, but she feels like I "owe" her marriage- that she has "given things up" and expected us to be married.There has definitely not been any promise of the such or anything like that. While I know the way she feels is ultimately her problem, it still makes thing a lot more difficult. It really kinda disturbed me to learn she felt that way.

 

This whole topic has put a lot of stress and pressure on me, and I wish it could be solved. I've tried telling her how I feel nicely, not "my way or the highway", but it just keeps coming up, I understand that it bothers her. She is very very emotional, quick to become sad/ cry, and she feels very strongly about me. So making any sort of decision has not been easy at all. I just don't know what to do right now. And she says things like " I'm afraid you're gonna break up with me" and "I'm afraid you'll find someone else". That's not what I wan to have happen and I can't just be like "yup, you are correct!" Another one is telling me that not wanting to marry her as soon as she wants to makes her feel like she's not good enough.Thanks for reading everything, I'll be happy for any words of advice. Thank you

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If she is guilting you into to marriage you need to RUN.

 

You are 21, and have only dated 1.5 years. You are not ready. She is ignoring your very rational concerns, being pretty irrational herself.

 

I see no way to comprise, especially since you stated she actually said she won't.

 

This is coming from a guy who married his high school girlfriend at a young age and is very happily married still.

 

I'm totally supportive of young marriage with the right circumstances.

 

... This is nothing close to the right circumstances.

 

PS.

 

You are not giving up everything in your relationship and everything it was. It will always be a part of you and will shape your attitude towards all your relationships, your first really LTR.

 

Like a benchmark all others are compared to.

 

But that doesn't obligate you to get married anymore than it obligates a woman to have sex if a man paid for dinner.

 

Totally inconsequential.

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Yeah, I understand how she feels; we both love each other and have been together a respectable amount of time. So she figures we should get married. However, she doesn't take into consideration outside factors such as school, etc. In her mind, if I don't want marriage right now it must mean I don't feel the same way about her and she's not good enough...

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She is really not ready to get married, either.

 

She thinks she is, but her lack of insight, entitled attitude and unwillingness to compromise suggests a level of immaturity not conducive to marriage. A mature person who is ready to make a lifetime commitment understands that this cannot be forced on someone, particularly someone as young as yourself who has significant priorities right now. You come across a level-headed and sensible, so stick to your guns on this.

 

You aren't making this a black-or-white issue; she is. What is her big rush to the altar? Heck, she is still very young herself. What is she worried will happen if you wait a few years? She sounds extremely insecure and self-centred, unfortunately. What does she feel she's "given up" to be with you, which she feels should be paid back with marriage?

 

If she does keep pushing this, I would be very clear that you do not want to end this relationship but you will if you feel pressured about this any further. Full stop. Anyone pressuring you to make a huge life-changing decision and refusing to listen to your side without turning on the waterworks is not going to make a good life partner, anyway.

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Yeah, I understand how she feels; we both live each other and have been together a respectable amount of time. So she figures we should get married. However, she doesn't take into consideration outside factors such as school, etc. In her mind, if I don't want marriage right now it must mean I don't feel the same way about her and she's not good enough...
That kind of victimizing attitude would be very draining on me.

 

She wants to get married to you, yet refuses to empathize or compromise with her prospective husband?

 

Sounds like a bad attitude going into marriage.

 

Marriage cannot work with such limited empathy/understanding.

 

She sounds like she tries to redirect your very legitimate concerns by making you feel bad about making her upset.

 

She sounds manipulative and passive aggressive.

 

And now, even if you did give her want she wants and get married, she will now know that she has an effective tool to get what she wants. You won't see the last of her trying to victimize herself to get you to concede a point.

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Sorry to hear this. Don't be manipulated or rushed. After 18 mos dating you don't "owe" her anything. She seems too rushed, too selfish. That in itself is a problem, not to mention that you are seeing red flags about her manipulations and sense of entitlement. That would become an even bigger nightmare down the line.

 

Also your goal are sound and reasonable. She has not "given up" anything more or any more time than you have. It may be best to break up and wait for more balanced, loving women in the future when you are more prepared for that kind of commitment. Cut your losses, set her free and both of you will be a lot happier.

I feel like if we can't get on the same page, breaking up would be best for the both of us. she feels like I "owe" her marriage- that she has "given things up" and expected us to be married.
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Well, we had a unique start to our relationship... We began dating right before I left to spend a year overseas(military), we had of course been friends for several months before this. She is a nurse, and was set on travel nursing/getting to work in different parts of the country.however, she decided not to so she could be home when I got back. But this wasn't at all so we could get married, it was so we could actually begin dating and get to spend time together. At this point, when I had left, we had not even been on an "actual" date yet. So we were both looking forward to getting to actually date and be together in person- it was in no way so we could get married anytime soon, and she knows this. She has just chosen to use that as something she "gave up", but when she decided this, we had not even been together more than a few weeks. I have been home appx. 9 months now.

 

And in all honesty she is free to travel nurse whenever she wants theoretically, as in there's nothing that would keep her from doing so now or in the future... it's not like she gave that up forever or anything like that.

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This guilting manipulation tactic is such a HUGE red flag.

 

I would NEVER marry someone who is so immature they resort to these tactics.

 

This is how a spoiled brat gets their way.

 

If you acquiesced with this she will use this tactic to manipulate you from now until your eventual divorce.

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I would tell her that you will finish school and get a job before considering marriage.

I don't think its wrong to marry before you finish grad school.

 

"let's just say we got married - does that mean you are going to work to support us both all the way through my schooling?" Probably not!

 

I would just say "we have only been dating 18 months and I have school to finish before i think about settling down and starting a family. If you want to get married very soon, you will have to find someone else who is ready to get married now."

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As some who got married while in graduate school, I strongly do not recommend it. You cannot afford to be distracted at all, and being a newlywed means wanting to spend a lot of time with your spouse. GPA real, really matters to employers if pursuing a masters degree in comparison to a bachelors, and a “C” in a course can land you in academic probation at the graduate level. It’s hard work.

 

1.5 years is not a huge investment. I’ve walked out of a 3-year relationship while engaged to a Marine and left a 5 year relationship because it wasn’t working out. I’m currently married and expecting a child soon. You are still so young at 21 and have PLENTY of opportunities of meeting the right person who isn’t so hostile, manipulative, desperate, or demanding as the one you described. I got married at 29 to the right guy while two of my friends who rushed (and did so under the age of 25) are paying the price by being in the process of divorce. Break ups are NEVER easy, but you need to do what is right for you. Your future matters.

 

Echoing every other poster here, your girlfriend is not the right person to marry based on her displayed behavior.

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Sorry to hear about your situation. One of the biggest factors to consider here is that marriage is a huge, difficult, lifelong commitment, and certainly nothing to take lightly. It was designed to be sacred, lasting, and permanent. It is not something someone should feel obligated towards, and the decision to do it should definitely be mutual. You are not wrong at all to hold back on it if you do not feel ready.

 

If your girlfriend feels this is the only option for her and is desperate for it to happen fast, it's likely she struggles with some deep-rooted self-esteem issues. She's perhaps worried about not being loved to the point where it makes her emotionally irrational. Has she ever been to counseling for this type of thing? It may be hard to break that to her gently, but you could even offer to go with her, because help from a professional is what she may need by this point. If she wants your marriage to thrive in the future, she likely needs to realize that she needs to ready herself for marriage and for you by getting help for herself. Praying for you guys, and for wisdom in your future decisions.

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I love what Miss Canuck wrote -that she obviously isn't ready for a healthy marriage either. I agree. 21 is not too young to get married and neither is 24 -it's not about age but about where you happen to be in your life, your goals, your other commitments, etc - and she should be proud of you for all you have and wish to accomplish. And doesn't she know the worst thing to do is to try to convince someone to marry you at a particular time no less?

 

I would be wary of her motives -and be careful about her birth control methods too. That often goes with it.

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