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The awful truth of being the "other woman"...PART II


suzanna80
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What I am suffering is far worse than stoning. As I continue to grieve over the loss of someone I loved, I'm also grieving the loss of my life as a whole. I've lost my family, my job, my home and now I have changed towns. I walked into my church after word had spread and had to leave due to the stares, the whispers, the glares. Not a single person..not one..asked me how I was. Everyone avoided me. These are people I have known my whole life. I've been there for them. I've baby sat their kids. I've taught them ballet. I've picked my fellow friends up from bars, domestic disputes, driven them to AA and have given them money so they wouldn't lose their homes. I have written references for them, provided work, thrown baby showers and brought casseroles when someone has died. I have needed one of them now. Just one. No one would look at me. I was making them uncomfortable and I will not go back.

 

Meanwhile, my AP is seemingly going on like normal. I'm sure the turmoil I have caused with his wife is rather insufferable as well, but he has lost nothing. Where my reputation is ruined, he is secretly high five-ed, forgiven and accepted. I saw him driving a church van full of kids to the local swimming pool a few weeks ago. I still love him and I will continue to bear this torture so that he can have his life. Though, I must say, I feel very sorry for his wife. She is still being lied to and I had wanted to tell her the "real" truth but obviously my version of the circumstances is pure s*** vomit. I wouldn't listen to me, either.

 

I am by no way or any means the victim, and I made a mistake that has cost me greatly and the only support I can find is this group. Of all the sins and vices, I guess I chose the worse one? There is no one to help me. No one. I pick up the pieces and go through each and every day through a teary-eyed blur of existence and I am trying to forgive myself so that then maybe others whom I have hurt can forgive me. My husband, ex husband, is enjoying my suffering greatly from what I understand. As I guess he should. So, since I'm going in reverse...here is the first email I received from my AP wife. Again, you have to understand that neither email is painting a clear picture of what actually had taken place...so as I go backwards. I think how it all started will be the most difficult for me to write.

 

So, I will continue to post in hopes that I can help someone and hopefully prevent someone else from making the same mistakes.

 

The email that anyone in this awful situation dreads the most: *Names have been changed and some context deleted as referenced to work

 

"This is Jill, Jack's wife. I know what happened between you and my husband. I get the impression (from a text you sent Jack recently) that you don’t feel you deserve to be bothered by this because you tried to end it first. If you feel that way, you are wrong.

 

You see, I found out a little over a month ago that my happy marriage was a lie. A lie that you had a large part in. I have asked Jack repeatedly what I did that drove him to you. He said nothing, just lack of self-control and lack of morality on his part. So, I ask him again and again why he did this to me. He has assured me many times in the past month that he never intended to leave me and doesn’t know why he did this.

 

You need to know that your actions have caused me much anxiety and depression. You told Jack you thought you had suffered enough and that you didn’t want any more problems, and we should just leave you alone. That statement angers me. I have lost sleep and weight. I’m fighting fatigue and self-doubt. I have replayed the last year of my life trying to find clues. Don’t tell me about suffering. Mine is only beginning. You did a horrible, horrible thing to me and my family. I don’t care what was going on in your life then, or what is going on now. It is NEVER ok to sleep with another woman’s husband. He was mine then, and he is still is.

 

Jack has told me this was not my fault. He told me it was all his and yours. He has apologized and continues to show me how sorry he is for the pain he has caused me. I’m done being angry with him. I never would have known about this, but he felt guilty and knew he had to confess his sins to me in order to save his soul. He is truly sorry. A lot of people are only sorry because they are caught. I get the impression that you are one of those people.

 

I believe that eventually my marriage will be happy again. It is going to take a lot of time. Jack knows how badly I’m hurting. It has been a year for you two, but only a month for me. Let that sink in. This is fresh pain for me.

 

Stay away from my husband"

 

Gladly, Jill. The grand prize is all yours not to share and I will seriously try to refrain myself from getting in the way of your happy marriage.

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You need to avoid both of them, block and delete him and all his people from all messaging platforms and social media etc. They had their say now let them move on.

 

Go to a therapist, they will listen and help you understand things.

There is no one to help me. No one.
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If I were "Jill", I would have left Jack. You are both at fault for the ruining of their marriage. I only understand her staying and trying to work it out if there are young children involved.

 

I don't think you should get off without some serious consequences, but consider moving and having a fresh start in a new town. Block both of their numbers, e-mails, etc. It doesn't matter if Jill wants to keep you suffering. In my opinion, she will keep battering you because she wants to see you as a the "evil" woman who overpowered her husband's senses and seduced him away. She wants to forgive him, and in the process will take as much of the blame off of him as possible. You can and should feel guilty, but don't be her punching bag. Get somewhere where you can resume your normal course of life.

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Jill's reply comes from a place of continuing hurt she is trying to desperately rid of. She wouldn't have sent this warning to you if she thought her husband was going to be faithful from now on, after all the talks they've had about his infidelity. While I say this to you, I say it not to seek solace in this reason she is writing to you. It is to understand that he has truly not taken responsibility and this is why Jill resorts to warnings in order to keep her husband.

 

She is looking at his texts involving you, trying to find the explanations in the flaws you or him show. So she is harping on it to feel more secure. She didn't deserve this treatment, but her qualms with her husband's infidelity needs to stay within the marriage. Only they can work it out between themselves with the husband taking full responsibility for his part, not by putting more blame on you and removing deserved blame from her husband. It takes two, and if you remove one's participation then there wouldn't have been an infidelity at all. He could have found someone else; so he needs to be the focus of fixing their problems because he is the source. You should block any of their contacts and continue to make better choices in the future, if you don't want to participate in further damaging their marriage.

 

While it is unfortunate the community has shunned you to such an extent, this is what happens as a consequence when you participate in inappropriately involving yourself with a taken man. Just know, this does not make you a bad person. You have made mistakes. We all do. The real misfortune would be not to learn from them. I hope you continue to learn about how you got to this stage and reflect on how you can be better going forward.

Edited by yatsue
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Bet Jack's not posting threads on forums like this talking about himself as though he committed mass murder.

 

You didn't commit mass murder. You are not evil or bad. You did a stupid thing. I am sorry that you are hurting.

 

You owed/owe Jill nothing. You are not the one who made a vow to 'love and to cherish' and all that, he is.

 

I'd block both on all platforms and try my best to put all this behind me and get on with my life.

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Well, I guess that email was to be expected. She's done it now and it's out of the way. TBH I think that could have been far worse. As for how everyone is treating you, well I'm afraid the OW always comes off the worst. It seems that other women somehow believe that men are very weak creatures that would never cheat but for the coercive siren of the scarlet woman - but for that woman, he never would have thought about it. Sometimes this may be true, but often not. I thought church was supposed to be all about forgiveness and helping people become better versions of themselves when they make a mistake, not start lighting up the pitch forks. No?? You did right to move to a different town. The only thing you can do now is make a fresh start. It won't be easy and you'll need time to heal. Stay strong and learn from this. Well done for posting to warn others, especially knowing how many will respond.

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I hate my husband more than I love him because of another woman sexting with him, and he was caught this December. That was over 8 months ago. She apologized to me. And I don't even remember her name. The difference is that my husband still hasn't apologized even though he is now in weekly therapy. What you are suffering is not like stoning. You made bad choices, and were living an inauthentic life with someone else's husband. And now need to make new friends and start over. Doesn't matter how many caseroles you make and baby showers you throw - Them's the breaks for breaking up a marriage and family. This forum doesn't take kindly to cheaters, since a bunch of us are on here because of having been cheated on.

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OP:

 

You made a mistake. It's time to learn from it and move on. Cut those people (who honestly don't sound much like friends, if your account of your efforts are anything to by) out of your life and try not to look back; focus on what person you wish to become and how to get there.

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She had no sympathy for the wife while she was having sex with her husband. What they both did was selfish. One of her main issue is the fact that they husband isn't outwardly showing pain and suffering and being shunned like she has been. The husband came clean, and made a choice to stay with his wife, and to break up with the OP. I am sure if he didn't break up with her, she still would have kept seeing that man.

 

She is suffering because people know what she did, and no one wants to be friends with her anymore. Once you make your bed, you have to lie in it. I wouldn't stay friends with someone who thought it was ever okay to break up a marriage. People sometimes put themselves in poor situations. Sympathizing for her is really enabling her behavior and portraying her as a victim. She could have said "no" or "stop" at any point. Or not be in a situation that involved taking her clothes off.

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She had no sympathy for the wife while she was having sex with her husband. What they both did was selfish. One of her main issue is the fact that they husband isn't outwardly showing pain and suffering and being shunned like she has been. The husband came clean, and made a choice to stay with his wife, and to break up with the OP. I am sure if he didn't break up with her, she still would have kept seeing that man.

 

She is suffering because people know what she did, and no one wants to be friends with her anymore. Once you make your bed, you have to lie in it. I wouldn't stay friends with someone who thought it was ever okay to break up a marriage. People sometimes put themselves in poor situations. Sympathizing for her is really enabling her behavior and portraying her as a victim. She could have said "no" or "stop" at any point. Or not be in a situation that involved taking her clothes off.

 

^^ Agreed.

 

You still don't sound remorseful. You sound irritated that you have no support. You sound irritated that your "AP" (affair partner? Really? There's an acronym for that? How about "Man whose family I helped ruin?" MWFIHR) has gone back on with his life, driving the kids in the church van, while poor you, you have no one.

 

You sound irritated that Jill even sent you this email. You basically said, "well there Jill, you can have him, the cheating a-hole".

 

He could cheat on Jill with 300 other women, and you know what? 300 wrongs don't make one right.

 

I'm not projecting here. I've never knowingly, openly been cheated on. This isn't me projecting my feelings from a personal situation. It's me stating my feelings as a woman, from one woman to another: Grow some empathy.

 

Jill is hurting. Ya think???

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but my god woman, you deserve it.

 

If you were truly feeling bad about what you did, you'd be writing Jill back the sincerest, most apologetic email, expressing extreme regret. Period. Not asking for understanding, not explanation, not asking for forgiveness. Extreme regret, period. Without wanting/hoping/getting a reply from Jill.

 

Instead, you're posting on a message board, hoping someone will give you a pat on the back and say "there, there".

 

Not me.

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^^ Agreed.

 

You still don't sound remorseful. You sound irritated that you have no support. You sound irritated that your "AP" (affair partner? Really? There's an acronym for that?) has gone back on with his life, driving the kids in the church van, while poor you, you have no one.

 

You sound irritated that Jill even sent you this email. You basically said, "well there Jill, you can have him, the cheating a-hole".

 

He could cheat on Jill with 300 other women, and you know what? 300 wrongs don't make one right.

 

I'm not projecting here. I've never knowingly, openly been cheated on. This isn't me projecting my feelings from a personal situation. It's me stating my feelings as a woman, from one woman to another: Grow some empathy.

 

Jill is hurting. Ya think???

 

Sorry to be so harsh, but my god woman, you deserve it.

 

If you were truly feeling bad about what you did, you'd be writing Jill back the sincerest, most apologetic email, expressing extreme regret. Period. Not understanding, not explanation, not asking for forgiveness. Extreme regret.

 

Instead, you're posting on a message board, hoping someone will give you a pat on the back and say "there, there".

 

Not me.

This says it all
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What I am suffering is far worse than stoning. As I continue to grieve over the loss of someone I loved, I'm also grieving the loss of my life as a whole. I've lost my family, my job, my home and now I have changed towns.

 

What further suffering do you feel the OP deserves? Is this not enough?

 

I wouldn't listen to me, either.

 

The OP recognizes that reaching out to the wife at this stage would be futile, she would never accept any level of sincerity from the OP at this juncture.

 

I am by no way or any means the victim, and I made a mistake that has cost me greatly

 

The op accepts she is NOT the victim, however she can't just shut off her feelings and not feel the pain of this heartbreak and isolation

 

My husband, ex husband, is enjoying my suffering greatly from what I understand. As I guess he should.

 

 

The OP accepts that her ex husband has every right to revel in her misery. She has not stated that she seeks sympathy for this.

 

So, I will continue to post in hopes that I can help someone and hopefully prevent someone else from making the same mistakes.[/i][/b]

 

Despite knowing she is going to be shot down in flames for her posts she is still doing so as a message to others. We all make mistakes. Kicking a person when they're down does not help them get up again. I am quite sure the OP has learnt from this and will not embark on a relationship of this nature in the future.

Edited by JCSK
messed up editing!
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What further suffering do you feel the OP deserves? Is this not enough?

 

 

So glad you asked, what further suffering does the OP deserve. Thank you for asking.

 

The OP has not expressed remorse.

 

The OP's posts are all:

"me me, poor me".

AP (affair partner....how I ABHOR that abbreviation/verbiage) - gets to live his happy life. How about MIS (Man I Screwed)?

Jill gets to keep her husband

I have no one

 

Hmmmm.....let me tap my fingers here....what else is the OP missing? Oh, I got it! Empathy! Remorse! Sadness for all the hurt she instilled! Ding ding ding!

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Mistakes are tripping over a curb not continuously sleeping with another taken and married man. Those are choices and actions.

 

Also the woe is me act is very telling. You are suffering but I guarantee the wife will never completely get over the pain she is feeling right now. You still don't seem genuinely remorseful for the chaos you took part in.

 

When your whole life shatters before you eyes and you find out everything has been a lie, that sort of betrayal will damage someone for life. It leaves them breathless and confused to the point of nausea, it makes their self esteem plummet and anxiety skyrocket. Learn some compassion and think of others outside yourself.

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On the one hand I'm glad that the OP is posting and I certainly hope that maybe some other women will read it and wake the eff up or not step into the proverbial sh$t in the first place. Unfortunately, I don't think it's ever that simple when it comes to affairs and those who choose to engage in them.

 

Getting involved with a taken man or woman is NOT a mistake. It's an active choice. So you'll have to excuse me OP, but every time I read the words mistake, oh I couldn't help it, it just happened - that is vomit worthy.

 

The harsh reality is you wanted to and you didn't give a fig who you hurt in the process because YOU didn't think that you'd get hurt. You thought you would win, you would get what you want.

 

Problem with affairs is that they are always a lie, a delusion, self delusion to be exact. You actively chose to get involved, you chose to buy into the bs, you enjoyed the thrill, the sneaking around, the drama. Who are you to tell the wife to go ahead and keep the cheating husband when you yourself think he is such a prize catch that you screwed yourself, your family, your husband and your life to catch him? You thought you were better than his wife. Old story of ego ego ego.

 

As for people shunning you, no surprise there. In most people's eyes, you will always be somewhere below a low paid prostitute on the social scale. Probably truly best for you to move out of the area, get counseling, sort out what drove you to act the way that you did, to stoop so low, and turn a fresh page on your future. Live a life going forward where people do not have to look at you with disgust and remember forever that cheating is a choice. It's not a mistake and it doesn't just happen. You chose to because you thought you'd win.

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What I am suffering is far worse than stoning. As I continue to grieve over the loss of someone I loved, I'm also grieving the loss of my life as a whole. I've lost my family, my job, my home and now I have changed towns. I walked into my church after word had spread and had to leave due to the stares, the whispers, the glares. Not a single person..not one..asked me how I was. Everyone avoided me. These are people I have known my whole life. I've been there for them. I've baby sat their kids. I've taught them ballet. I've picked my fellow friends up from bars, domestic disputes, driven them to AA and have given them money so they wouldn't lose their homes. I have written references for them, provided work, thrown baby showers and brought casseroles when someone has died. I have needed one of them now. Just one. No one would look at me. I was making them uncomfortable and I will not go back.

 

You are making yourself the victim. No one is going to feel sympathy for someone who broke up a marriage, why should they ask you how you are doing? You knew you were sleeping w/a MARRIED man and also prob could guess who he would end up w/. I feel sorry for jill.

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Kicking a person when they're down does not help them get up again. I am quite sure the OP has learnt from this and will not embark on a relationship of this nature in the future.

 

Agreed. It's unhelpful. She doesn't need reprimanding, she's got of a bad rep amongst friends and family, she simply needs support from anonymous strangers on the internet and (hopefully) a therapist.

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Agreed. It's unhelpful. She doesn't need reprimanding, she's got of a bad rep amongst friends and family, she simply needs support from anonymous strangers on the internet and (hopefully) a therapist.

 

If she would show one ounce of remorse or empathy, she'd have the support of "this stranger" from the internet.

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I agree that this was no "mistake". A mistake is adding salt to a dessert recipe when you meant to add sugar. This was a willful choice, an act done deliberately.

 

That being said, OP, you have a golden opportunity here to make real changes in yourself. You can go forward and decide to never, ever do something like this again. You can decide to be a compassionate person who would rather kick herself than hurt another human being. Will you be free from the consequences of your poor choices and your selfishness? No, but you can become a better person from the experience.

 

Leave Jack and Jill in the rear view mirror. Resolve to never communicate with either of them ever again. And go forward with good intentions and even better actions.

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I don't know the first part to this thread, since this is part 2.

 

That being said, I think the man's wife is being foolish in blaming this woman far more than her own husband. I've never cheated on anyone (and, yes, I've been cheated on ages ago and it's the worst feeling in the world), but her email smacks of misplaced anger to me. This man made the vow yet OP is put to a much higher double standard than his sorry ass. It takes two. He's no snow white. I feel it's overly dramatic and unnecessary to crucify OP when their side of the street isn't clean. If it wasn't OP, it would have been any other willing woman who said or did the "right" things.

 

I'm sure the loss of her family, job, reputation, and town will have the OP reflecting on her actions for a long time to come, so I don't find it necessary to rub her nose in it. I don't get the harping on about the semantics of a "mistake." Obviously the actions were in poor taste, OP is now paying the price, and she referred to them as a mistake because she wouldn't do them again. So why debate what she calls it if not to shame her further?

 

OP, block this woman and continue to move on both physically and mentally. Get out of that small town if you're still there. And while it's tempting to self-flagellate when everyone else is hating on you and your life is falling apart, don't bear the responsibility for his half. You can only control you going forward to ensure it doesn't happen again. I highly recommend some form of therapy to help you identify why you've found yourself involved with a married man and to help you develop coping mechanisms to get through the fallout.

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