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Hey everyone

 

I've posted here before but just an update and I need to get things out as I'm so down.

 

I was with a great girl who I met from work 2 years ago and we got on great. She was on work experience while i was on a temporary contract at the place which was 2 hours from where my family lived. We cared for each other a great deal but as my contract was running out at the hospital where I worked I tried desperately to get work in a similar role nearby but to no avail. My prospects weren't good as the pay was poor and my only option to improve myself was to go back to uni at 28 over 300 miles away. This was the only uni offering me a place.

 

I was having a lot of issues at the time, which i still struggle with, and I was depressed and anxious from everything.

 

I thought it would be best to break up our 3 month relationship so that the pain wouldn't be prolonged for both of us as it would be so hard being away for long periods of time from one another. I was so up in my head at the time and when time came to move away I was numb. She was also upset.

 

As time went on at uni I was so down missing her. I kept thinking to contact her but held off as she wanted no contact. She deleted me off social media as soon as we broke up.

 

A few months after we split up i couldnt take it anymore and needed to see if she was okay and if we could give the long distance a chance. I contacted her and her new bf answered. He asked me what I wanted and she said she's moved on. I was devastated.

 

Ever since that day 18 months ago I've regretted breaking up and I've been an empty shell. I thought I was getting better but then I started dreaming about her again then wondering if she's dating the same guy or with someone new. It kills me thinking she's sleeping with other people.

 

I haven't seen or spoke to her since and I still haven't moved on. Everything seems so pointless now. I'm on summer break from my course and I don't see the point of it. I'm struggling to sleep and eat and had a panic attack this morning thinking about her and what she's doing with other guys. She was a beautiful, caring girl and I always thought she was too good for me. I on the other hand am losing my hair and have sexual problems from a circumcision from when I was younger.

 

Some days I think I'd rather not be here. I am on meds for depression and anxiety and have tried CBT but it didn't work for me. I broke down at my doctors last week but what's the point.

 

I feel like I made one stupid decision at a highly stressful time and now I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.

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I can relate to what you are going through. The first thing I had to do was forgive myself. People with our mentalities (based on this story I think you have similar characteristics to me) have a hard time forgiving themselves if they come up anything short of perfect. Once you forgive yourself for the role you played, itll be easier to move on. Also, when you think about all the good things she did try to remember a few of the negatives too to help put in perspective. Just because you made 1 stupid decision doesn't mean that you are stupid. Work on yourself and youll meet someone who WANTS to be with you (whether thats your ex or someone else remains to be seen). Its ok to breakdown at the therapist and CBT does work, it just takes alot of work to change the negative mindset (as I am currently discovering)

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Hi Ross, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I can see the problem though - you broke up at three/four months. This means that she was still in perfect girl zone. You didn't have time to get into fights, learn her bad habits or aspects of her personality that would have frustrated you over time. So there she remains in your head, as a romanticized notion of this perfect relationship that could have been but never was. Added to that that it didn't break up naturally and therefore lacked the closure one needs to help move forward. Then you've mixed this up with your low self esteem and concerns about your hair and circumcision issues. So let's try and separate the two.

You must try and get this perfect vision of this woman out of your head. You have absolutely no idea how this relationship would have worked out, it is actually mostly fantasy that is played out over and over in your head. You DO have control over this, however much you think you don't. And however hard it is you must keep having faith and be aware that there are many, many other lovely and amazing women in the world and you are still very young. This isn't about her and your brief dalliance, it is about you. Which leads us to point number two.

Millions of men loose their hair young and I can tell you now most of us really aren't that bothered by it. My 21 year old daughter loves bald men and I too have always had a bit of a thing for them, and we are by no means alone in that! Secondly, love life with a partner is more than just performance or what a man's genitals look like. There are many ways to overcome difficulties in the bedroom and the right partner will not worry about this. Please don't let these issues affect you so badly. We all have aspects of our physical appearance that we don't like (even models) but you must embrace who you are and work on you from inside out. You are at uni so you are a very clever young chap and many girls dig that (I for one - my partner has a Doctorate and that is a massive turn on for me, way more than hair!)

And to leave you with an anecdote. My friend (who also lost his hair young and was very short so had self esteem issues) had no luck with women for years. So he planned a big trip to Australia for a year and got a good job out there and had all these plans. Then as life would have it he met a girl who he fell badly for, shortly before he left and had a relationship for a similar amount of time as you. So off he went all cut up and love sick and despite desperate pleas from his friends and family, cut it short and came back after a couple of months, loosing thousands and throwing this amazing opportunity down the toilet. Long story short once the honeymoon stage wore off they argued all the time, she turned out not to be so amazing and then she dumped him. My god he was depressed and exactly where you were. He cried all the time and gave up all hope. Fast forward a few years and three years ago I went to his wedding to a woman he met who adores him in every way and they now have a little girl. This girl is a very distant memory to him now.

I promise you made the right decision putting your career first and one day life will show you that. Stay strong.

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Hi both,

 

I really appreciate both of your replies. Thank you for trying to make me feel better.

 

I just cant get over missing this opportunity with her though as she actually was really special. She was really attractive and although younger than me at 19 she was a great communicator, empathetic, caring, loved animals and wanted to be with me - something very few women in my life I have liked have felt too.

 

Lately I have withdrawn a lot and I cry every day. I have few friends and my family have enough of their own problems, like everyone.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. I see other women around and I just don't feel anything anymore. She has set the bar and I doubt any other can or want to ever reach that high. In a world full of materialism and need for affirmation she was a small town girl from eastern Europe, happy with the simple things.

 

I have no idea what she's up to and if I'll ever see her again. I look in to the future and shudder at a 70 year old me sitting on his front porch pining over a love that never was.

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Hi both,

 

I really appreciate both of your replies. Thank you for trying to make me feel better.

 

I just cant get over missing this opportunity with her though as she actually was really special. She was really attractive and although younger than me at 19 she was a great communicator, empathetic, caring, loved animals and wanted to be with me - something very few women in my life I have liked have felt too.

 

Lately I have withdrawn a lot and I cry every day. I have few friends and my family have enough of their own problems, like everyone.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here. I see other women around and I just don't feel anything anymore. She has set the bar and I doubt any other can or want to ever reach that high. In a world full of materialism and need for affirmation she was a small town girl from eastern Europe, happy with the simple things.

 

I have no idea what she's up to and if I'll ever see her again. I look in to the future and shudder at a 70 year old me sitting on his front porch pining over a love that never was.

 

Eastern European women are my weakness too. She is only 19, she has alot of growing to do. Someone will meet your bar one day and I promise you, with time, you will start to take her off the pedestal you built for her

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Eastern European women are my weakness too.

 

You and me both buddy.

 

 

That is a crappy situation OP.

 

Nothing you can do now but learn from it.

 

You are heavily fantasizing about something that wasn't a given.

 

Take her off the pedestal and you will have a easier time getting over here.

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Regret is a heavy burden to carry. Try to lighten up on yourself, you made a decision at the time that made sense to you.

Unfortunately you never know how things will turn out in the future.

 

The thoughts of not knowing what could have been or how you two might have been can be crushing, I know that.

 

I am not going to be someone who tries to shine a bright light on this situation and say you never know what will happen.

Unfortunately the time has passed for you with this woman and you will never know how things could have worked out.

You might have tossed away something great, you will never know.

 

Meet other women and you might be surprised at what you might find....

 

Take care of yourself adn I wish you luck

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Hi both,

I just cant get over missing this opportunity with her though as she actually was really special. She was really attractive and although younger than me at 19 she was a great communicator, empathetic, caring, loved animals and wanted to be with me - something very few women in my life I have liked have felt too.

 

Raise your hand of any of these apply to your situation

* short relationship

* pretty young thing with personality

* very little experience with relationships

* low self-esteem

 

She is not that special. You had a personal narrative in which she filled a nice role for you. Her role was special - but she was not. The "high bar" is one you have set, and it is warped by your perception of the narrative. If she liked you, someone else can like you. It proves you are likable.

 

It sucks to not know how things could have went differently. But they could have gone worse every bit as much as they could have gone better. You knew you weren't in good shape to date her, and if you had not ended it, and tried the long distance thing, it would have strained your relationship to its breaking point. How do you think you would feel now if one of you had cheated on the other, or if she had dropped you after giving you more time to get to know how much you felt for her?

 

You need to work on your self-esteem and your other issues. The world has so much meaning, but it has to come from inside. And try to move on, even if you don't really feel it at first. There are a lot of women in the world who are happy with simple things.

 

A little about me: I dated a 19 year old when I was 28. We dated 5 months and then she realized she was in love with the idea of having a boyfriend rather than me. We had talked about marriage! It was a total fantasy. I didn't come to grips with the fantasy aspect of my own feelings for some time after that... maybe 3 years or so. It didn't help that we remained in some contact and I thought 2 or 3 times we might get back together. I can't say I was completely healed until after she got married. And I am still a little afraid of falling in love again.

 

What's helped me has been really cultivating the things I like in life, focusing on enjoying myself more. Also, I had to move away from validating myself via the women I dated. Dates now are about having fun and figuring out what qualities I like and which I don't, rather than trying to make each date into my next great love affair to replace what I used to think I had "lost". I had similar thoughts about "oh what if this feeling stays until I am 70". I think that being afraid of that is kind of OK - that will help drive you not to stay where you are. You can see where you are heading and move in a different direction.

 

Keep working hard, and focus less on mistakes you may have made in the past, and more on what you can do to become a better you now. Knowing what I know about my relationship and the little I know of yours, I do not believe you made any mistakes. You can get through this.

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Thanks for the responses.

 

I've been obsessing a lot about what she's getting up to and who she's dating/sleeping with and have been tempted to look on her social media. I haven't done this since we split up.

 

I keep getting bad anxiety for the same reasons in the morning and panic attacks almost. I don't know how to handle it and welcome any suggestions if anyone has any.

 

It's ridiculous. She probably hasn't thought about me in a long while and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her all day.

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It's been a while since I went through my similar thing. She is actually about to have her second baby with her husband. I'm fine with it!

 

Since it's been so long I have a hard time remembering what helped me. I wish I had kept more of a diary. A diary might help you I don't know. Everyone has their own way of dealing with this stuff. I'm religious so I did a lot of prayer. Besides that, I do remember when I would get those negative thoughts, rather than try to keep the thought away, I would carry it to some positive conclusion, and then move on with my day. For instance, if the thought is "What is she doing with other guys," I would end it with something like "the same thing I'll be doing to other girls when I heal, and every day that passes I'm getting closer to healing." Some positive thoughts seem scary. Like "someday I won't even want her anymore". But I would keep telling myself these positive things, even at times I didn't believe them. It became a habit, and eventually I started believing them and not being afraid.

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I believe men never really move on. They can go on to fall in love with "great women", have the closest partnership and raise a family. But inside they never move on from the one that got away. I don't think you should try to control your feelings, just try to function in life.

A lot of misfortune happen in life and there's nothing you can do about it. After a loved one dies, we mourn but we continue to live, and we never forget. But if we feel we caused the death of the loved one, then the guilt eats away at us. That's when it's really unhealthy. Yet the fact remains in any case that loved one is gone forever. You have to accept.

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That sounds pretty ominous. Almost like a prison sentence that never ends :( no matter what I do nothing takes my mind off of her.

 

I think I would have been reasonably content being alone forever if I never knew she was out there.

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Its common truth that men generally take breakups harder than woman. Alot of it has to do with it not being "acceptable" for a man to discuss how they feel, rather to just "man up and get over it" or go out and sleep with a bunch of different women. As a result, the hurt, pain, and suffering gets shoved deep inside where its never really allowed to heal. Also men tend to feel more relieved and free at the beginning that turns into regret over time while women tend to feel the regret and emotions at the beginning while getting better over time.

 

Just my two cents for what its worth

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I'm in so much pain I don't know how much more I can take. No matter what I do and even if I'm with a friend I keep thinking about her.

 

I dont know who shes with and what shes doing and most would prefer that but its driving me crazy. I keep picturing her going out for drinks looking good and then going home to sleep with the guy shes currently dating whoever that is. Her boyfriend is most likely better looking, taller, stronger than me and I just feel inadequate.

 

I keep wanting to check her facebook but I know that will probably open up even more hurt. I just cant see when this pain will ever end.

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I'm in so much pain I don't know how much more I can take. No matter what I do and even if I'm with a friend I keep thinking about her.

 

I dont know who shes with and what shes doing and most would prefer that but its driving me crazy. I keep picturing her going out for drinks looking good and then going home to sleep with the guy shes currently dating whoever that is. Her boyfriend is most likely better looking, taller, stronger than me and I just feel inadequate.

 

I keep wanting to check her facebook but I know that will probably open up even more hurt. I just cant see when this pain will ever end.

 

just stay in NC and things get better over time. I felt the same way in the beginning like you did, and 18 days in I feel significantly better

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I keep thinking about trying to contact her again, which will be 18 months after the last time I contacted her when she had a bf. She may still have a bf or they may have broken up. I have no way of knowing as she blocked me on fb and my number immediately after the break up. I know this was to help her heal though and not because I didn't treat her well as I always did.

 

Do you think this is a bad idea? The only thing is I wouldn't know how to contact her. I don't have her number anymore. I just cant let her go. Shes constantly on my mind. There might still be a chance she misses me.

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I keep thinking about trying to contact her again, which will be 18 months after the last time I contacted her when she had a bf. She may still have a bf or they may have broken up. I have no way of knowing as she blocked me on fb and my number immediately after the break up. I know this was to help her heal though and not because I didn't treat her well as I always did.

 

Do you think this is a bad idea? The only thing is I wouldn't know how to contact her. I don't have her number anymore. I just cant let her go. Shes constantly on my mind. There might still be a chance she misses me.

 

if she misses you she will contact you. Being that its been 18 months since you last heard from her, I believe its safe to assume she is still with the boyfriend, or has a new one.

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I actually had a private number call off of someone a month after the day when I spoke to her on the phone from a withheld number myself (this was so I could get through to her as I was blocked). I've been thinking it could have been her since that day but I didn't answer as I was out the room at the time.

 

For some reason it feels worse to when I think that shes met someone new over the guy she had been dating when I spoke to her last time. He was foreign like her and that didn't bother me as much as if the guy was from the local area like I was. I dunno, my messed up brain.

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I keep thinking about trying to contact her again, which will be 18 months after the last time I contacted her when she had a bf. She may still have a bf or they may have broken up. I have no way of knowing as she blocked me on fb and my number immediately after the break up. I know this was to help her heal though and not because I didn't treat her well as I always did.

 

Do you think this is a bad idea? The only thing is I wouldn't know how to contact her. I don't have her number anymore. I just cant let her go. Shes constantly on my mind. There might still be a chance she misses me.

 

Its highly unlikely after 18 months, especially if she was with someone else. But if it helps you to let go of hope maybe you should.

 

Just be prepared because after all this time, it is going to hurt like hell, if/when she says no.

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You need therapy.

 

there is no other way to say it. You have this illusion that if you handled things differently, that you two would still be in a relationship. I don't think that is the case. I mean, she found a new boyfriend and she told you to leave you alone. I don't think it was about how you handled it. It is a case of she was not that into you. You said that it was a 4 month intense relationship. I am thinking that she never thought that you two had a relationship. I think you have illusions that you two had something magical and somehow your actions ruined any chances of a future with her when in reality you never stood a chance. You were a guy from out of town, she had a good time and that was the end of it. She found someone else.

 

I remember a post you had about you falling hard for a girl you met in the US.. California I think it was. And you posted how you missed her and how she was great and back then, you had illusions of you two being together. Your post about this girl and California girl are similar. You met a girl out of town, you fell hard, you thought this one is the one and you messed up. In both cases, you froze the girl and the relationship in the very state you left them. When you left to go home, the relationship was perfect, she was perfect, everything was perfect. So you took a snapshot of that and you took that home with you. Reality is that people and life move on. California girl moved on with her life and this other girl you are missing moved on with hers.

 

How come you don't meet girls that live in your own city? Why is it you only meet and fall for those that live so far away? Are long distance relationships easier for you?

 

I think counseling would be good for you

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Try some EFT on this situation (you can easily look it up, learn it, and apply it in under half an hour on youtube--EFT is short for Emotional Freedom Technique and it's useful for letting go of emotional traumas and PTSD, etc.). I recommend finding a therapist that can help you navigate these feelings. You never know what could have happened with this girl. It could have gone to crap within a few months for all we know, regardless of whether your moving away triggered the breakup.

 

I think the more important aspect is why you are dwelling on this and I bet it has very little to do with her even though you think it does. You mentioned some self-esteem issues and compared yourself in a negative way to whatever man she may or may not be with right now. This is where your work needs to be done in order to heal. I feel like you think this will be the very last worthwhile girl to come your way, that you are inherently unable to deserve or attract the love that you want. Whenever we have really deep-seated pain that is out of proportion to the reality of the situation, it's usually due to some faulty beliefs that we are holding onto.

 

If this woman was in as much pain as you, missing you, or wanting to reconcile, she could easily find you in her account settings and unblock you to express her desires. She hasn't taken the time to do this so either she's moved on like she stated or isn't ready to be on friendly terms for whatever reason. If you really need to get it out of your system and contact her, then do it if you feel it will help you heal, but be prepared for the worst--to be rejected or ignored. If you can handle that gracefully and know it will help you move on, then do it (I once wrote a person I cared about deeply a letter years after the fact, but I did it with no strings attached and expecting to be ignored, so it was therapeutic in the end for me because his response literally didn't matter--I said what I needed to in order to stop feeling haunted by the situation).

 

Good luck, OP. Taking good care of yourself in terms of activity, hobbies, eating well, etc. should assist you a bit in developing a stronger sense of self-love that will be necessary to forgive yourself and let this one go.

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