I did something intimate with my friends brother who is my roommate...Confused

[Siantulipgir]

What hurts is that we were friends before we got physical. So it's just so hard to believe that he was using me for sex. I mean before anything happened he would get jealous if he saw me talking to one of the guys that lives next door etc. Asking me things like what was a talking about with the neighbor guy etc. I guess I just don't want to face the truth.

[HeartGoesOn]

Your biggest hurdle now is to get out of there ASAP, forgive yourself and take the lesson with you. You can't change the past, but you can apply it to the future.

[abitbroken]

So it's just so hard to believe that he was using me for sex. I mean before anything happened he would get jealous if he saw me talking to one of the guys that lives next door etc. Asking me things like what was a talking about with the neighbor guy etc. I guess I just don't want to face the truth.

 

 

Firstly -- you made yourself available. you didn't even require a date

Secondly- its a warning sign if a guy acts so jealous when you talk to a "neutral guy" (mail carrier, neighbor, grocery clerk). sounds potentially possessive.

[boltnrun]

My ex used to act jealous if another guy talked to me. It was because he wanted HIS toy (me) for his own exclusive use when he wanted. He certainly didn't love me.

[Siantulipgir]

Update on Ben and I. He didn't say anything to me at first after being gone all night. Finally he said hi honey (I was thinking really? Because I knew he had been gone all freaking night. ) then he asked if I was OK. I told him no I'm not good. Think he was feeling guilty because he was doing things for me all night. Sat in the kitchen with me and ate dinner and he didn't stop talking to me the whole time. He even took me to the cell store because I was having issues with my phone. When we were driving back he made a remark about how he got up early at 5am same night he was gone. He gave me this look like saying that he had done something and I should be jealous. I was like yeah I bet and he could see the pissed off and hurt look on my face. Under his breath he said then you should give me what I want. Today his sister called me wanted to know if I was OK. She knew he had stayed out all night and thought it was messed up that be did it . I told her that maybe her and I should not go there and talk about it because he's her brother. She told me no it was ok. She told me to tell her brother not to bring girls to the house and not to go be with anyone. Telling me that I should tell him I am right here(like he doesn't need anyone else but me) so I told her maybe I would say that. Not sure if I should unless I intend to pursue this with him. I know everyone says not to and I'm thinking I should end it and move out asap. Definitely thinking I should get out while I can.

[SherrySher]

Please don't say that to him, it will only make you look like a prostitute.

 

If he liked you for more than sex, he would be asking you out on dates.

I don't mean hanging out, I mean, where he showers, dresses nicely and takes you to a nice restaurant.

 

He's not doing that, so don't make yourself look available for whatever.

[Siantulipgir]

He asked me out for this coming Saturday. It's going to be really hard not to say it to him, but I will try not to. I think his sister meant to let him know that I can give him everything he needs.. He knows how I feel about him.

[SherrySher]

It really is up to you Siantulipgir on what you decide to do. I sincerely hope you make the right choice and that he treats you properly and not like a sex option.

[Siantulipgir]

Thanks SherrySher . I really hope I am making the right choice too. And that he treats me the right way . I have been hurt slot in relationships. A abusive marriage etc

[Siantulipgir]

My ex used to act jealous if another guy talked to me. It was because he wanted HIS toy (me) for his own exclusive use when he wanted. He certainly didn't love me.

 

I had a ex like that too. I was a possession. Just a play thing. I know it's not love. Sorry that happen to you btw.

[Siantulipgir]

Firstly -- you made yourself available. you didn't even require a date

Secondly- its a warning sign if a guy acts so jealous when you talk to a "neutral guy" (mail carrier, neighbor, grocery clerk). sounds potentially possessive.

 

I know I gave him something twice instead of waiting for him to actually ask me on date first.

 

He gets jealous way to much. Especially when he has no right to at this point.. I have already had more than my share of possessive guys in my life

[Wiseman2]

It's her house so only she can ask that there be no overnight guests. Other than that he's a grown single man and can do whatever he wants outside of the house. Furthermore, you are not even dating, no less in an exclusive relationship.

 

Get help for the abusive marriage you left. This situation and his derogatory treatment of you is not helping you. Nor is engaging in this sexual banter and activity with him. Do not get the homeowner/his sister in the crossfire of this. Eventually, blood is thicker than water and you may be facing yet another eviction.

 

Find a better living situation. Do you work? Is the eviction on your record? Can you rent somewhere again? It would be best to also get help with any legal, financial and other situational problems that occurred from the abusive marriage and subsequent eviction.

 

Have you contacted domestic violence agencies or social services? Perhaps they can assist you with whatever emotional, financial, legal and situational issues you are facing.

She told me to tell her brother not to bring girls to the house and not to go be with anyone.

[Siantulipgir]

His sister is the one who told me to say these things to him all her idea. I'm the one hesitating to say it to him. I wasn't evicted from my last place really because I had a 7 days notice due to code violations neglect from landlord not taking care of the property the right way. I have been divorce for 10 yrs now so my divorce happened well before this 7 day notice from the city to get out of my house. I have worked for a food manufacturer for the last 15 yrs.

 

I probably do need to talk to a therapist again about the domestic violence abuse I dealt with in my marriage. I saw a therapist a few times after my ex husband separated but stopped going.

[abitbroken]

what exactly is your friend telling you to say??

[Wiseman2]

Stay out of their relationship. If she wants to mention something to him about guests etc let her do it. How long do you plan on living there? have you considered other living arrangements such as your own place?

 

It's an excellent idea to get the help of a therapist to continue to sort out things such as self respect etc which seem to be adversely affecting your current situation.

His sister is the one who told me to say these things to him all her idea. I probably do need to talk to a therapist again about the domestic violence abuse I dealt with in my marriage. I saw a therapist a few times after my ex husband separated but stopped going.

[Siantulipgir]

what exactly is your friend telling you to say??

 

She told me to tell him not to bring other girls to the house and that I am right here. I told her it's not my place to say it. She said yes I am the only one to tell him since we are messing around . She told me if it was her in my position she would be telling the guy. She said that it's my house too.

[Siantulipgir]

Stay out of their relationship. If she wants to mention something to him about guests etc let her do it. How long do you plan on living there? have you considered other living arrangements such as your own place?

 

It's an excellent idea to get the help of a therapist to continue to sort out things such as self respect etc which seem to be adversely affecting your current situation.

 

I wasn't trying to be in their relationship. Again it was all her idea. She told me it's not her place to tell him since I'm the one he's doing something with sexually. She told me it's my house too. If things don't work out with her brother it will be soon. Yes that was and is my goal to get my own place again definitely. Otherwise I had plans to move by October.

 

Yes Wise I definitely need to talk to a therapist again because my self esteem has played into this with him. Like I keep saying I do have feelings for him which doesn't help at all. But how I was treated by my ex husband in the past might be a factor now. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

[abitbroken]

She told me to tell him not to bring other girls to the house and that I am right here. I told her it's not my place to say it. She said yes I am the only one to tell him since we are messing around . She told me if it was her in my position she would be telling the guy. She said that it's my house too.

 

So your friend is inappropriately matchmaking. Could it be that she has encouraged her brother ie "She really likes you!!"

sorry i would not want to know my friend slept with my brother TMI, TMI.

I think your friend is wrong for interfering -- because she may be thinking she really likes you so it would be cool if her bro dated you but is not thinking about what is best for YOU. Its best for you to not sleep with a roommate and to feel comfortable and safe where you are living.

[Siantulipgir]

i believe that the above, and other questions pertaining to your respective living situations, his separation and it's aftermath and such are where you'll find his "reasons", and not by wrecking your head with this one particular intimate encounter, his ejaculation, or a lustful stare. i maintain that he isn't, and hasn't been fully "available" and knows it, and if you can look at the bigger picture, you'll see just what or whom he is too invested in to be a dating/relationship prospect, regardless of whether he did or did not genuinely like you more than just a one time thing. And, again, he chose to dump it on you.

 

you have my sympathies btw, just want to point out this didn't happen because of a "thing", be it an encounter, a stare or whatever. it was there all along, and hopefully knowing that will help you leave it behind.

 

I wanted to let you know that you were right about him not being completely available and that he knows it. I'm realizing it's his ex wife that's the problem or whatever feelings are still there between them. Ughh How can he still be sleeping with her after they've been divorced for so many years.?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he'll sleep with anyone anytime. As you unfortunately found out.

How can he still be sleeping with her after they've been divorced for so many years.?

[SherrySher]

I agree with Wiseman, this man doesn't sound like he cares who he shares intimacy with. I would still say that he for sure went and had a one night stand the night he never came home.

 

That's not the type of man you want.

[Siantulipgir]

I agree with Wiseman, this man doesn't sound like he cares who he shares intimacy with. I would still say that he for sure went and had a one night stand the night he never came home.

 

That's not the type of man you want.

 

No it's not the type of guy I want. I don't want a guy who will just screw anyone who will open their legs for him. His one night stand is with his ex wife I am almost a 100 percent sure of it. Feeling even more hurt. I just wish I could turn off my feelings for him!!

[Siantulipgir]

It sounds like he'll sleep with anyone anytime. As you unfortunately found out.

 

He's like a male hoe. But it still hurts alot. He knows how I feel about him. Just feeling like right now.

[Siantulipgir]

Update so Ben is still sleeping with his ex wife after supposedly after it's been 8 yrs since his divorce from his ex wife ughhh. I also found out that he may have been divorced for only 1 yr. Even my friend his sister was acting sketchy about it when I asked her how long had he been divorced. Tonight his son who's staying here for the summer at the house with Ben (this is his last week here,then he goes back to Ben's ex wife's house to start school) said to me when no one else was around in the kitchen "my dad doesn't like you "underwater his breath) So it looks like I have 2 strikes against me. And he is staying at his ex wife's house tonight! He waited to leave until I was in my room. He is playing games and I am a 48 yr old woman to old ffor games. I'm starting to see him as someone who does just want sex from anyone he can use.. Everyone who replied to my posts is probably right. Feeling even more hurt and what a slap in my face!!! Huge difference from last night when we spent last night talking and laughing together no sex just hanging out and flirting

[Siantulipgir]

Update so Ben is still sleeping with his ex wife I'm almost about 70 percent sure. Supposedly a it's been 8 yrs since his divorce from his ex wife ughhh. ! I also found out that he may have been divorced for only 1 yr. Even my friend his sister was acting sketchy about it when I asked her how long had he been divorced. Tonight his son who's staying here for the summer at the house with Ben (this is his last week here,then he goes back to Ben's ex wife's house to start school) said to me when no one else was around in the kitchen "my dad doesn't like you "underwater his breath) So it looks like I have 2 strikes against me. And he is staying at his ex wife's house tonight! He waited to leave until I was in my room. He is playing games and I am a 48 yr old woman to old ffor games. I'm starting to see him as someone who does just want sex from anyone he can use.. Everyone who replied to my posts is probably right. Feeling even more hurt and what a slap in my face!!! Huge difference from last night when we spent last night talking and laughing together no sex just hanging out and flirting

 

Small edit he did come home and seem to be happy to see me. I have no shame right now because I was really happy to see him . Questioning myself how low am I willing to go for his attention and anything else he offers. Sorry just being honest ..