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I understand that addicts can be very convincing liers and that's why I mentioned feeling like he was just saying what I wanna hear in a previous post. I still do feel that there's some truth in what he said though.

 

Addicts are also very skilled at living in their own head while sitting on the sidelines of ever making it happen. So the idea that he can 'picture' something isn't a great indicator of anything.

 

The fact that you need to question whether he's lying would be all I'd need to walk away. If I can't trust a partner's consistency and loyalty, what's there for me to invest in?

 

We never get any wasted time back to live over again. If you'd like a good family partner, this is not the guy.

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It doesn't matter if you are an addict or not, actions speak louder than words.

 

Words without any actions are meaningless.

 

Don't get delusional thinking about his words and their potential.

 

Without concrete actions they are just a fantasy you are buying into.

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I've seen it so many times, I've lost count.

'I want something, but not until X(

What ends up happening is the goal post keeps moving.

My guess, on a conscience level he wants this, but subconsciously (and this is where the addiction kicks in) he never gets to the other side.

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Actions do indeed speaker louder than words and I'm a firm believer in that and have always been.

 

I told him this when I found out about his gambling, when discussing everything else I've said it's fine saying this but you must show/prove it to me.

 

And so far he has with being more thoughtful and not gambling.

 

It's still very early days and like even he said these things need to be long term and basically forever. But I feel no use in being pessimistic and believing he'll never change, it'll never get better. If I don't give the relationship a chance for say may be another year how will I know things will definitely not changed.

 

Just like we say actions speak louder than words, well I'm not very inclined to believe things won't change until I actually see actions etc over a long period of time like a year.

 

And given that his gambling only a few months into recovery and then the objectifying women issues have only been brought to his attention recently so haven't yet had time to improve and change it seems a little weak to just walk away now. And basically I don't give up easily.

 

Waiting 6 months to 1 year more I feel is enough time to see change on the issues (except gambling which is more complicated) and of course if very little or none on I'll walk away for my sake as well as his.

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So you are wishing and hoping he'll change. That is the epitome of weakness. Walking away with confidence knowing you can find someone decent who you don't have to patrol, police and put on probation...is strength.

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OP,

 

It's easy for people on the internet to judge and tell you to walk away NOW. I personally think you should but I know when you're invested in someone, feeling the need to give it one last shot it pretty normal under some circumstances. I understand why you're hanging on and I also give you a lot of credit for giving this a deadline. Very smart.

 

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Keep it that way.

 

If you need to give this 6 months to a year to come to a final conclusion, do so. That way you can leave knowing you did everything you could if you need to, which I think you will.

 

And yes, a lot of what your bf says/does sounds familiar to me in regards to my ex's. I think your bf really wants to be who he says he is. He wants to keep the promises he's made to you. It's easier living life believing you're a good person, that you're good to the people you love. But the reality is, many addicts don't have the capacity and the ability to be healthy, loving and stable partners.

 

Keep looking at his actions, don't pay any attention to his pretty words. Also keep in mind that even if he does stay clean for the next 6 months to a year, a long term relationship/marriage would be a huge risk because he can relapse at any time. I wouldn't take that risk if I were you, knowing what I know now.

 

Just remember that there are many, many fish in the sea. Your bf is just one. You can start over if you need to. You'd find a better man. I did.

 

I wish you the very best. Keep being strong and post whenever you need to *hugs*

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Thank you DissyLu :)

 

I fully appreciate everyone's advice and thoughts on this whole situation as it's always beneficial to get complete impartial perspectives and I'm not gonna lie if a friend of mine was going through the same thing I would say the same! But obviously it's completely different when it's happening to yourself.

 

However I do need to give it time of around 6 months to really feel like I've given it the best shot. My first relationship was 3 years and by the half way point I was experiencing issues and was starting to get doubts. I gave it more time and when I didn't see an improvement I broke up with the guy and I'll do the exact same here. I don't give up easily as I've said before and I also think change and improvement won't happen quickly, some time is needed.

 

I will do as you advise though and not get sidetracked by his words and look at his actions. I've just spent a few days with him and I told him outright that I'll not be taking his word for things, what he does is what will show me what I need to know over time.

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My ex, who is an addict, didn't "wake up" until he went to prison for stealing ($10k value, sold something that didn't belong to him to buy drugs). Also, he is not allowed any contact with his 2 children.

 

Currently he is living in a 2 bedroom shared house with 4 family members. He still has no money and has trouble getting and keeping employment.

 

However, others have successfully overcome addiction (Robert Downey, Danny Trejo). But it took them many years.

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