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Giving space and social media


Trinity11
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So I recently met perhaps the right person, wrong time.

He is only a little more than a month (fresh😬) out of a 4 year relationship (different values /lifestyle), but after talking for a little bit we got curious and met up. Turns out we are pretty suited to each other. We hung out a bit too often and he signalled he needed to slow things down, he doesn't want to ruin things wants to continue when feeling better, but he needs some time to get his bearings again, sort some stuff (still has logistics to sort etc) plus generally get his mental/emotional house in order. As I had encouraged him to do that before we met I realize the importance of this and generally want him to heal, find his confidence and be comfortable in himself.

 

He is now away for a couple of weeks on a solo holiday that no doubt will be excellent time for him. So I'm curious to know your thoughts on instagram stories!?

He still texts me etc but I keep things shorter than before, I respect his wish to cool things down and don't know if watching his insta stories would be infringing. He is posting a fair bit, but looks at mine at the end of the day. I don't want to slow the journey down, and while I'm not waiting on him I do hope we can reconnect in the future.

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So I recently met perhaps the right person, wrong time.

He is only a little more than a month (fresh😬) out of a 4 year relationship (different values /lifestyle), but after talking for a little bit we got curious and met up. Turns out we are pretty suited to each other. We hung out a bit too often and he signalled he needed to slow things down, he doesn't want to ruin things but he needs some time to get his bearings again, sort some stuff (still has logistics to sort etc) plus generally get his mental/emotional house in order. As I had encouraged him to do that before we met I realize the importance of this and generally want him to heal, find his confidence and be comfortable in himself.

 

He is now away for a couple of weeks on a solo holiday that no doubt will be excellent time for him. So I'm curious to know your thoughts on instagram stories!?

He still texts me etc but I keep things shorter than before, I respect his wish to cool things down and don't know if watching his insta stories would be infringing. He is posting a fair bit, but looks at mine at the end of the day. I don't want to slow the journey down, and while I'm not waiting on him I do hope we can reconnect in the future.

 

If you really want to play it cool, stay away from his social media and focus on living your life until he gets back. Let him wonder and miss you!

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Thanks :-)

It's not an ideal situation to say the least.

I see it as taking a hiatus, essentially forgetting about it for awhilebut social media makes it confusing. I don't want to be rude but it is important for him to take time. He's been nothing but amazing.I have no idea what will happen, I can only try and do right given the circumstances.

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I see you are being cautious, which I can only encourage. It takes much longer than a month to sort through the emotional backlash and baggage from a four year relationship. I'm sure you don't want to end up as the rebound partner who prepped him to jump back into the dating world.

 

I don't think there is harm in watching his story, since he has elected to keep communication. However, if you don't watch it, he will likely wonder why, and it will make for better, more genuine conversations. Conversing with someone who already knows everything about your life can get boring.

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If i were in your shoes, I would not accept the "i need to take it slow." I would tell him "well -- how about you contact me again when you feel ready to date again." And in the meantime, don't contact eachother, don't follow eachother on Instagram. Right now you are banking on someone who may not be ready for a long time, or may surface again after the trip and then play the "well I am not really over my ex" card after you sleep together or share some emotional intimacy or have dated for a little while and you want to get serious because he has already made you aware of that card in his deck. Maybe that is not a popular opinion -- but honestly, he might not ever be ready -you might miss out on someone who IS ready and is really great as well.

 

Its not a "no, go away," it "look me up later". And if you happen to not be dating anyone or you are non-exclusive and going on casual dates with guys --- you can decide that you would like to see him.

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If i were in your shoes, I would not accept the "i need to take it slow." I would tell him "well -- how about you contact me again when you feel ready to date again." And in the meantime, don't contact eachother, don't follow eachother on Instagram. Right now you are banking on someone who may not be ready for a long time, or may surface again after the trip and then play the "well I am not really over my ex" card after you sleep together or share some emotional intimacy or have dated for a little while and you want to get serious because he has already made you aware of that card in his deck. Maybe that is not a popular opinion -- but honestly, he might not ever be ready -you might miss out on someone who IS ready and is really great as well.

 

Its not a "no, go away," it "look me up later". And if you happen to not be dating anyone or you are non-exclusive and going on casual dates with guys --- you can decide that you would like to see him.

 

I second this whole heartedly! OP you need not a guy still broken. Two halves in relationship terms don’t make a whole. Two complete whole people make a relationship!

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I second this whole heartedly! OP you need not a guy still broken. Two halves in relationship terms don’t make a whole. Two complete whole people make a relationship!

 

I agree with abitbroken. Reading the first sentence says it all:

 

He is only a little more than a month (fresh😬) out of a 4 year relationship (different values /lifestyle), but after talking for a little bit we got curious and met up.

 

you willingly entered this. Why dont you think you deserve a full relationship, serious question, because this information was given before you fell for him.Now youre under the impression you have to fit into a certain shape to be a part of his life. Red flags for you. Please look into what drew him to you.

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Can I ask you how, exactly, you came about meeting him? Whether it was his intention to bed a warm body and get out before having to put in the daily effort of a progressing relationship, or that he jumped into something too fast and realized his mistake, you shouldn't stick around for someone who isn't 100 percent confident in being with you.

 

As many of the other posters have said, don't put yourself on hold for a risky venture. I'd hold out for someone who is ready to date at a normal pace. You are the treasure and someone has to treat you right to stay in your life. Show him you're not a doormat and your time is too precious to wait around for anyone.

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Thanks everyone for your kind words.

 

Abitbroken - Totally! that was my reaction! Look me up later! He said I took it the wrong way... But to me, space is space and if someome needs it, they should take all of it! (just wasn't sure about handling media ) 🙂

 

I won't be holding out. Yes, it could take some time,who the hell knows. He says he hopes ill want to catch up when he feels better, I just said I hope so too. He does have a couple thighs to sort when he gets back and I def think it's better for me not to be involved until after that time.

 

How we came together - We live in a small town and have crossed paths over the years but similar interests and values brought us together recently to explore friendship. It just turned out that out we relate in a way that's a bit deeper. I have not yet "fallen" for him but appreciate that we are on the same wavelength in style of communication, frequency, location values etc. He has made it clear he wants me in his future, but of course this can change over the course of time.

 

I do not wish to be moulded, quite the opposite. I hope he will feel himself again and put his best foot forward. I am the one who has stepped back despite him still contacting me.

 

Re media - SGH you're right. He can show me his holiday directly if he wants, but perhaps it's best for me to not watch the stories (media is new to me in this sense). It will give him space and prevent me from fantasy attachment.

 

Edit- Ms Canuck. Very cut and dry, but yes you are correct. Neither of us are going anywhere so there's no rush and I should try not to give it/him any more thought.

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I would unfollow him on facebook (you can stay friends if you want) and i might stop looking at his insta stuff so much or unfollow him unless he contacts you down the line if you have recently started following him - not as any statement towards him but for your own sanity. Or at least don't watch his stuff

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If you want to preserve future potential with this guy, I'd read up on rebounding and avoid positioning yourself there. It usually ends with a speech about what a fantastic person you are, but I really should have taken more time on my own solo before getting so involved with you.

 

I'd dive off of his radar and I wouldn't consider him relationship material at the moment.

 

Head high.

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