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Girlfriend of a year wanted to break up, but changed her mind a few hours later


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I've been seeing this girl for about a year now, and I believed it was the best and most healthy relationship I have ever been in. There was a lot of love, support, and communication between one another. We went to school together and were doing distance this summer. We were making it work. Things started to take a turn this past week. When she was visitng me, I noticed something was just off with her, I knew she wasnt acting the same. When I pushed, she revealed that she was starting to develop feelings for someone she worked with. She said she felt guilty and horrible for the feelings and for what she was doing to me, and that it was all her fault. She thinks that it may have been the age old tale that I wasnt giving her much attention recently because I have been busy studying for professional school and working, and just being so close to someone else made her develop these feelings. To clarify though, she never blamed me for this and blamed herself for being weak and not understanding.

 

A bit of background for my girlfriend. She is an amazing person but she doesnt have alot of dating experience with me being her first boyfriend and she has always had low self esteem. She never realized how beautiful she was, and catching the attention of other men is fairly new to her.

 

I have went through breakups before, and in the moment it seemed so final and she was so sure of herself. She couldnt shed a single tear for me, and was talking about how I would learn to love again, I would find someone else, how everything was her fault and had nothing to do with me etc etc.

 

Eventually I left her alone and was gonna let her stay the night and she would leave the next morning. I was processing a broken heart and everything that just happened over the next while. A few hours later, she messages me and insists she wants to see me again. She's crying now, and she said that after some time to think, she realzied what a huge mistake she was making. She didnt know why she said those things in the moment and how a stupid crush would make her doubt everything we've been through together. She begged me to forgive her and promised she would never do anything like this again and that she was gonna change her ways and work with me any issues she had with herself or us. She knows that she hurt me but she seemed really sincere in her apology. She said she got rid of the guys number and is gonna be cautious around him moving forwards, and that she's gonna communicate with me more. If shes ever having doubts or weird feelings, she'll turn to me first instead of someone else.

 

Against my better judgement, I decided to take her back. But I told her how serious her actions were and how much she hurt me. If we were to try and move past this incident, there would be no third chances and there would nothing left between us if she did this again. She said she understood and promised she would never take our relationship for granted again.

 

So now I don't know what to do. Since we forgave eachother, I can tell shes been trying very hard to make up for her mistake. But I'm left with this feeling that she made a crack that won't be easily fixed. She's back to normal now, but what's to say she won't change her mind again tommorow or next week so easily like she did this time? I don't think its healthy. I love her so much and I believe she's a good person who's just inexperienced and made a mistake. So my questions is whether I should forgive her completely, and if I do, what steps should we take together so that something like this doesnt happen again?

 

Sorry for the long message but TDLR: Girlfriend of a year wanted to break up because she was starting to have feelings for someone else. After a few hours, she repented hard core and begged me to forgive her and said she didnt wan't us to breakup and she would do anything to prove her loyalty and commitment this time around, and how her crush on this guy is nothing compared to all that we have been through. Because she's always been such a great person and I loved her, I said I would try to move past this. Things are fine now but im worried things could change at any minute. What steps can I take with my girlfriend so we can avoid this happening again or getting worse?

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I am sorry but when this happens I feel like it is typically just delaying the inevitable

 

She wanted to end it but got cold feet.

 

She will likely keep having these doubts until she gets enough resolve to do it for real.

 

This is not always the case, but very very often.

 

But I can nearly guarantee you that if you go back to your relationship' s status quo this will happen again.

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Usually a woman thinks long and hard about breaking up since it's a major action, and especially about revealing her feelings for another guy which takes it in a worse tangent.

 

One thing you have to consider: Maybe she alerted the crush she was single now, and was shocked to see that he really wasn't serious about starting something with her, since he knew she was taken and flirted with her anyway, if that was the case.

 

Even if that didn't happen, being young, and with you as a "starter boyfriend," you can expect that she is going to want to explore other relationships before actually settling down. That would be my guess with her behavior.

 

She is a high risk for your heart. I think you know this going forward, so it's up to you if you want to chance it.

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She changed her mind because the guy she wants just isn’t that interested in her.

 

So she went back to good, reliable you.

 

You are her safe harbor until something better comes along.

 

Life is too short to live this way. Dump her and go on 2-3 dates every weekend for 6 months. If after 6-months, she still wants to be with you date her, but not exclusively.

 

The sad truth is that she will desire you more only if you dump her and date others.

 

Don’t be that guy that gets walked all over.

Edited by BMP2CPM
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My guess is that the guy she likes actually wasn't all that excited to hear she was single again, so she came crying back to you.

 

Either way, your relationship is at risk. It sounds like she just isn't as committed to you as she thought, and the itch to explore will likely come back again.

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She came back because breaking up hurts. It is pretty common to develop crushes in long-term relationships, and they often are not as appealing once one becomes single again. I doubt she actually made a move on the guy she was interested in within hours of breakup up with you. It's more likely that the reality of losing you hit her hard and temporarily put her attraction to the work guy in the backseat.

 

Heres the thing, though. She isn't going to suddenly stop wondering if she made the right decision staying with you and will continue to feel out her attraction for the other guy. I know you love her, but you'd be better off ending the relationship now. I think if you stay with her, she will eventually end up leaving you for her coworker, and it will hurt a lot more than if you do the deed. I'm sorry she put you in such a difficult situation. I wish you luck no matter what you decide.

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I have went through breakups before, and in the moment it seemed so final and she was so sure of herself. She couldnt shed a single tear for me, and was talking about how I would learn to love again, I would find someone else, how everything was her fault and had nothing to do with me etc etc.

 

A few hours later, she messages me and insists she wants to see me again. She's crying now, and she said that after some time to think, she realzied what a huge mistake she was making. She didnt know why she said those things in the moment and how a stupid crush would make her doubt everything we've been through together.

 

 

Hm if she was fine when she broke up with you and then a few hours came back with tears, I have to say these tears are probably for her. Most likely the crush told her he wasn't interested in what she was looking for. I have a feeling she wanted a real relationship with the crush and he was flirting with her in order to get under her pants only. typical 3 months fling.

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