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Just changed the usernames on my two main Instagram accounts. It is not possible to remove all trace of myself from the Internet, but I am cutting off the main avenues of contact.

 

It makes me feel sick to the stomach. To cut ties is so strange.

 

Nonetheless, I feel like it is the best thing to do, because it was a cyber relationship that was never going to get that much deeper. It did not give me what I need, but I knew from experience that talking about it was pointless. Like every other time I tried to work on the relationship, he would just ignore me.

 

In the end, I didn't want to even give him the chance to brush me off. I just closed my website and put up a goodbye note instead. It reminds me a bit of how I felt tonight, when I didn't want him to see my photography or comments on Instagram.

 

Now, the healing really begins. I know it is late, and so many of my girlfriends are single, but I am excited about the possibility of a future with someone real.

 

Hell it hurts!!

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Do you know what can be hard? At least for me - those vestiges or cracks in the NC armour.

 

I simply can't remove every trace of myself from social media or the Internet, because some of those pages have business functions. Last night I changed the location of two of my main Instagram accounts, but that just makes the hits on my business Facebook pages seem that much more significant.

 

With CBT I should be able to counter these thoughts with the rational idea that I really have no idea who is looking at those pages, and even if it is him, he has nothing to give, beyond a bit of electronic chocolate. It helps to write this down actually, because there is some resistance inside of my willingness to counter those thoughts.

 

Maybe an emotional tantrum ensues, because I have not grown the awareness to take the next step.

 

GROWTH.

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