Can she change?

[Anon2018]

My girlfriend and I have been on a week and a half break (no contact). She told me before we stopped talking that she was aware of all of the things that upset me about her in our relationship. She is a jealous person, insecure and possessive. She has been seeing a therapist about trying to change these qualities. She's telling me that she wants me to believe her that in time she will be able to change these qualities about her. I'm still not 100% convinced although not totally ruling it out either. I feel like I need more time to think about it myself and see a therapist also.

 

I'm looking for advice and opinions (and maybe even personal experiences if anyone ever had a situation like this)

 

Do you believe a jealous, insecure, possessive girlfriend can change? Or should I just move on and find someone else who doesn't have those qualities to begin with?

 

Thank you everyone

[SGH]

Yes, people with those qualities can change, but generally only after a long period of time and with the help of a professional. She needs to acknowledge what events in her life shaped her into an insecure and jealous person and then make peace with her past. Only you can decide if you want to wait around while she works on herself. Judging by the fact that you are already on a break, my guess is you've hit the end of the line and no longer can tolerate the behavior at all. Most people don't just get better and stay better. Even if she improves substantially, she will likely experience relapses in the future.

 

I have no idea how long the two of you have dated, how serious you are, how old you are, if her insecurities were born from actual behaviors on your part, etc., but it is my inclination to suggest letting the relationship go. Assuming you have not given her a reason to not trust you, you would be better off seeking out a partner who does not possess these qualities in the first place that will appreciate your integrity and commitment. Please go no contact if you break up with her in a humane manner, so that she can focus solely on her healing and personal growth.

[Anon2018]

I agree, I think it will take her awhile as well. Longer than a week or even two weeks. Mhm everything you said are my exact thoughts. It may get better for awhile but then she'll do the same behaviors again.

 

We've been dating 2 and a half years. Not engaged or married just dating. I was debating for awhile what to do about the relationship, if it will get better or what. I've seen a very different side of her though since the beginning. It has scared me honestly. I'm 28 and she is 26 almost 27. Okay I appreciate your response. Would you recommend talking to a therapist about it first?

[SGH]

Yes, of course I do. A therapist could help you tease apart how much the relationship means to you, and if you should continue trying to make it work.

[Anon2018]

Okay so then I'll tell her I need more time to think about things and need to see a therapist and talk about stuff before I make a final decision if it's worth investing anything more into it. Thanks for your help.

[Anon2018]

Also, I think if she's not okay with waiting and giving me that time to think about things and talk to someone. If she acts impatient about it and wants me to make a decision now then I'll just tell her we should just go our separate ways. That also shows that she is thinking about her own needs and not giving me the time and space I need to think things over.

[SGH]

I would agree with that, though keep in mind that many people go into panic mode when they think they are going to get broken up with. Whatever you do, be firm but kind. Good luck.

[jlance]

Don't give up hope. Just wait and see.

[MissCanuck]

Who called this break?

[DanZee]

Do you believe a jealous, insecure, possessive girlfriend can change? Or should I just move on and find someone else who doesn't have those qualities to begin with?

 

I don't believe someone like that can easily change. It takes a lot of therapy. She may have seen abuse when she was growing up, or she experienced this kind of abuse, and it becomes ingrained in you. And most health plans don't allow for the years of therapy you need to change these things within you.

 

I would say to break up and if she really does change in a few years from now, you can come back together. But everybody says they'll change, they'll change. It's almost a mantra among people who are abusers. They change for a short period of time, and then the slightest thing can set them right off. I say don't wait for a miracle and move on.

[Anon2018]

Who called this break?

 

I said it would be a good idea initially because I needed to think things over about the relationship. She didn't really want to do it but agreed if it would help me.

[Wiseman2]

Who wanted this break? If everyone needs to "change" then it's just not working and breaking up is better than stringing each other along like this. If you both need intensive therapy to get along, just face the facts that you are incompatible and bring out the worst in each other.

My girlfriend and I have been on a week and a half break. She has been seeing a therapist about trying to change these qualities. She's telling me that she wants me to believe her that in time she will be able to change these qualities about her. I'm still not 100% convinced although not totally ruling it out either. .

[boltnrun]

You wrote this before:

 

"She was seeing a therapist for awhile and we even went to see her therapist together which turned out to be a total disaster because I didn't care for anything that therapist said. She was basically trying to call both of us out instead of fixing what was happening with the relationship. Then, she always says she going to go back to a therapist but then never does. She's got good qualities but also a lot of bad qualities too. Scary qualities actually."

 

You also wrote that you don't even like spending time with her anymore. So why try to fix it? Because you're lonely or because you truly love her?

[Anon2018]

You wrote this before:

 

"She was seeing a therapist for awhile and we even went to see her therapist together which turned out to be a total disaster because I didn't care for anything that therapist said. She was basically trying to call both of us out instead of fixing what was happening with the relationship. Then, she always says she going to go back to a therapist but then never does. She's got good qualities but also a lot of bad qualities too. Scary qualities actually."

 

You also wrote that you don't even like spending time with her anymore. So why try to fix it? Because you're lonely or because you truly love her?

 

Yeah that was a different therapist. Now she's seeing a new one about her jealousy, insecurity issues. I think it's a combination of both. I definitely do still love her but sometimes people can be in love and things not work out too because of different values or character traits such as jealousy. My thought process is that I want to see if she's for real and really can change this and the other part of me is listening to some of the people on this forum because they all make great points. Someone who has those qualities can tell you that they will change and can say anything they want but will they really? Let's say we try again and get back together. I feel like old habits can set in and they may set in at a time where it's too late. For example we are married and have children. I don't want to be feeling like I'm stuck and that I trusted someone who went back to their old ways. I feel like it's almost like a gamble where you roll the dice and hope to get lucky in a way.