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Torn Between Forever and a Loose Cannon


KaraMarchand
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I’ve been really struggling lately in one of the most stable and rewarding relationships I’ve ever been in. I met an intriguing bartender at one of my favourite bars and after months of going there just to see him we finally started dating. He’s a little older than I am (by 10 years) but I’ve received a lot of support from my family and friends given the circumstances, and the fact that he’s a charming guy that shares a lot of my interests and treats me very well. We’ve now been together for 3 months and it’s gone amazing, he’s been an absolute gentleman and we get along so well it’s truly uncanny. We’ve grown really close and comfortable with eachother and he does make me really happy. But. Yes there’s a but, I can’t believe it either. I had an experience just a few months before meeting my current boyfriend with my best friends brother. Now hold on, I know what you’re thinking. “How could this possibly be a good idea” but she knows and has been very understanding, our families have been really close since we were kids so I have known her and her brother for about 14 years now, and I have had a crush on him since elementary. So before my current bf and I got together my friends brother and I shared a couple really intimate moments (were both musicians so we wrote some really romantic songs and then may have kissed a couple times) but nothing came of it at the time. I believe it had a lot to do with the fact that it might be a weird situation for our families. Now I’m getting to the point in my current relationship where things are getting serious and could potentially be really long term, but I can’t get the thought of this other guy out of my head. I see him constantly because we live near eachother and our families like to get together and there’s constantly tension that I’m sure has not gone unnoticed. This other guy and me are also very compatible, and I’ve always been really intrigued by him but I feel as though I never got to persue the feelings I had with him then, and it’s really impacting my relationship now. All in all, It really hurts to think that I could possibly have found my perfect person but I’m constantly being reminded and tempted by this other guy. Do I have to find out what would happen with him before being able to fully commit to my current relationship and risk losing it entirely? Or do I just stay where I am and continue wondering if my best friends brother would have actually been the better choice for me? This has been weighing so heavily on me and I’ve had no one to talk about it with so I thought I might as well come here and ask for some kind of advice. Thanks for reading.

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I can't tell you what to do, but when I can tell you from experience that breaking up with your best friends brother, if it happens, will present some unique hardships that you normally don't deal with in a breakup. You may or may not lose that friendship, and even if you don't lose it, there's a pretty good chance that your friendship will never be quite the same. And if you keep the friendship, you'll never have him 100% out of your life. Also, what you think you could have with him is a total fantasy right now. He might seem perfect from what you know about him, but you have no idea what the two of you would be like in a relationship. Sharing some intimate moments, and even knowing someone for a long time, doesn't say a lot about long term relationship viability.

 

I don't regret my experience for me, as I was pretty shy and I think it helped me start getting out more. It was a catalyst I needed in my life. I don't think the same applies to you.

 

Regardless, you might also re-examine what you have with the bartender. Perhaps you don't actually feel like dating him long term anyway, and are using the other experience as an excuse. On the other hand, maybe you really are ready to get serious, and are using the other guy to test yourself, right before you take a dive and go all in. It's pretty common to look back just before moving forward. Just because you look back doesn't mean you have to go back.

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Three months in and you're calling it the most stable relationship you've ever been in? 90 days? For one thing, if nothing came of making out with the friend's brother, like he never asked you out on an official date, then what makes you think he's into you? And the bartender? What is his relationship history? He's meeting scores of beautiful women nightly. Do you know his relationship history? If he's so charming, why have you found him single when you did? Does he engage in short term relationships until he has to put in the daily effort of long term status? I don't know because I don't know him, but you're beginning to, so have you asked these important questions?

 

And if you're so into him, especially at the honeymoon stage, why would you even be fantasizing about another guy? When I've been in that stage with a new love interest, he's all I'd think about in that new high of lovey-dovey land and would never consider another man.

 

Perhaps analyze yourself to make sure you're not choosing men who aren't serious relationship material, as well as if you wind up with a good potential mate, that you're not sabotaging it by letting your mind wander to other less serious candidates because you yourself aren't ready for something real.

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No, the answer is not to explore a relationship with the other guy before "committing fully". Because if you are feeling this way there's little potential for you and the bartender. There will always be the "dream of someone else" if you're dating someone and not ready to be exclusive. Now, certainly, it can take time to decide that the person you are dating is someone compatible with you potentially for long term or for a serious relationship, and it's fine to see other people or be open to meeting others until you make that determination, but you seem to think that testing out your feelings on this other guy will somehow resolve that issue for you. It won't. What will is realizing that right now you're either not ready to commit to the bartender so you need more time to get to know him, or that your feelings for another person show you that your bartender just doesn't do it for you.

 

I would keep seeing bartender casually, probably not have sex with him if you plan on dating others, and date your best friend's brother or whoever else you feel like. And bartender can date others too. You are not serious about bartender if you're seriously thinking about hooking up again with your best friend's brother, if you think he might be a good match for you too. You're still shopping around.

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