I'm the other woman.

[Metaltwin70]

'Sounds like a professional hit man telling the cops that if he didn't murder the person then they would have just hired someone else.'

 

'You are a bad person, he is a monster.'

 

_________________

 

Now we know that cheating on your partner is as abhorrent and unforgivable as murder and those having committed the offence deserve to be killed (in the US that is. Here in UK we don't have death penalty, thank goodness).

 

We also know that all of 98767804850485498797078 people on the planet who at some point in their lives participated in a relationship with a partnered person are 'bad'.

 

Then again, here on ENA the world is very black and white and rarely reflects real life reality, IMHO.

[thealchemist]

'Sounds like a professional hit man telling the cops that if he didn't murder the person then they would have just hired someone else.'

 

'You are a bad person, he is a monster.'

 

_________________

 

Now we know that cheating on your partner is as abhorrent and unforgivable as murder and those having committed the offence deserve to be killed (in the US that is. Here in UK we don't have death penalty, thank goodness).

 

We also know that all of 98767804850485498797078 people on the planet who at some point in their lives participated in a relationship with a partnered person are 'bad'.

 

Then again, here on ENA the world is very black and white and rarely reflects real life reality, IMHO.

I didn't equate murder and cheating as equivalents.

 

I also don't know anyone who would think that infidelity in a relationship should be punished with murder.

 

I simply am stating that you cannot remove yourself from the blame in the destruction of this relationship, although obviously it is in no way 100% OPs fault.

 

Just as hiring a hit man to kill someone does not remove blame from the person requesting the hit, or put it entirely on the person performing the hit.

 

Your first paragraph spews cultural assumptions about my (and Americans') views.

 

Maybe, while talking from your high horse about you and your countries superior moral outlook, you could use less blind bigotry while addressing us unwashed masses.

[yatsue]

I also think using labels, such as a "bad person" and "monster" are somewhat misplaced here. Sure, cheating is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship, but it doesn't automatically make you these labels. The context is kind of lost here because this is a relationship forum. However, sometimes we tend to forget we don't know these people fully.

 

You can be a bad partner, but still be a good father/mother, grandparent, son/daughter, worker, friend, etc. You can still be a good person and have deficiencies in other areas of life. Besides, if we start using these labels for cheaters here, what would we call the real bad people and monsters in society? The rapists and murderers who prey on the innocent, committing violent and unspeakable crimes. Those words are scathing to people who post here. I think a lot of those here have misplaced anger to responses, myself included.

[Metaltwin70]

'The rapists and murderers who prey on the innocent, committing violent and unspeakable crimes. '

 

THESE so called 'people' are monsters and that's putting it mildly.

 

You can say all you like (general you, not you Yatsue!) but to call someone a monster because he is/has cheated is ever so sliiiightly over the top. And you can't, on the basis of a stranger's post re: her affair with a partnered man, come to a conclusion that she is a 'bad person'. She may not be the smartest for making the decision to get involved with the man in question but that does not in any way make her 'bad'.

 

This whole 'black or white, devil or saint' approach to ANY AND ALL posts from people who have found themselves in similar situations really doesn't sit well with me at all. Perhaps it's best that I don't post on this thread anymore.

[abitbroken]

sorry -- anyone who fools around with the parent of a tiny, helpless infant and therefore alienates the affection he would have for the infant's mother on the cusp of the child's birth and shortly after to me is unforgiveable. I mean, that shows a complete lack of empathy and decency --- it must be pretty blissful to not have any form of a conscience, no??

.

We don't know whether this guy really loves the wife but is a petulent child and couldn't take months of no sex due to a difficult pregnancy, hit on the OP, and if the OP would have rejected him he would have realized how dumb the idea it was and would have gone back to faithfulness or have found someone else to cheat with. We don't whether they are on the outs or whether he is a sex addict. It doesnt' matter. Please cut him off and take a deep look inside yourself. If you don't have time for a relationship, keep your legs closed

[thealchemist]

sorry -- anyone who fools around with the parent of a tiny, helpless infant and therefore alienates the affection he would have for the infant's mother on the cusp of the child's birth and shortly after to me is unforgiveable. I mean, that shows a complete lack of empathy and decency --- it must be pretty blissful to not have any form of a conscience, no??

.

We don't know whether this guy really loves the wife but is a petulent child and couldn't take months of no sex due to a difficult pregnancy, hit on the OP, and if the OP would have rejected him he would have realized how dumb the idea it was and would have gone back to faithfulness or have found someone else to cheat with. We don't whether they are on the outs or whether he is a sex addict. It doesnt' matter. Please cut him off and take a deep look inside yourself. If you don't have time for a relationship, keep your legs closed

Gruff as always but in accordance with my general opinion too.

 

I can't say much about the OW but I can bring all sorts of harsh vernacular against a person who leaves their infant with a trusting partner only to have an affair.

 

I've seen a lot of people charged with murder I wouldn't lump into THAT catergory or degenerate.

[boltnrun]

What's wrong with approaching your spouse and saying "Look, things between us are not at all the way I would like them to be. In fact, I'm very unhappy, so unhappy that I'm thinking about stepping outside our marriage. Can we talk about this? I don't want to go down that road, so we need to figure something out."

 

Instead of finding another body to fornicate with and lying about it.

[yatsue]

What's wrong with approaching your spouse and saying "Look, things between us are not at all the way I would like them to be. In fact, I'm very unhappy, so unhappy that I'm thinking about stepping outside our marriage. Can we talk about this? I don't want to go down that road, so we need to figure something out."

 

Instead of finding another body to fornicate with and lying about it.

 

Who said this was wrong? It would have been great if everyone would do this, but it doesn't always happen. Those who don't aren't necessarily monsters or bad people though. Those who do a bad thing don't always equate to these labels, however if you do enough of it could. I think the OP realizes the gravity of her involvement now and I don't think it's productive to elaborate on that more when she's already aware of it. As I stated in a long post on the previous page, I think she needs to work on accepting more responsibility in how this came about and how she continues this behavior.

[Unsure18]

I’m a woman whose husband of 21 years cheated on me with a younger woman, left me, and married her before the ink on the divorce papers were dry.

 

I followed my ex through out his military career. We had many challenges, illness, births, deaths among other things and yes, we had issues. We were toxic. We were often mean to one another but the love was there at one time.

 

I was angry, hurt and forever impacted by how he decided to make his departure regardless of how toxic our relationship was. Had we made the choice to work on it, i would have but he always refused so his answer was to run off and find someone new. Get out of this situation while you still have an ounce of dignity.

 

It’s easy for people to kick you while you are down but he also made the choice to hook up with you which makes him just has guilty. Allow them the opportunity to correct their lives. Then if and when he leaves her the right way, and he still wants you in his life you might consider having a relationship but one built on lies and deceit from the gitgo is not a healthy start. Go forward and let him go. Best of luck

[saluk]

This really comes down to poor impulse control. You have to consider the possible consequences of your actions and not just go with what fills good in the moment. A skill everyone should possess but sadly so many are lacking in it. What is it about where you are at in your life that you accepted this married man's offer when you have not accepted others? People do it all the time, but I just don't understand what goes through someone's mind when they say, "yeah, I know he's married, but so what it'll be fun!" And I don't say that to rake you over the coals like has already been done enough - but really, what, if anything went through your head?

 

Oh, and it's 2018. Can we get on board with the whole women and men are equals bit? Yes, this means men can catch feelings every bit as much as women can. Not something that is a huge issue if you are sleeping with single guys, but...

 

Anyway, agree that you need to shut this down, disappear, and let those who are actually involved deal with the family drama on their own. Figure out why you don't think you can handle a relationship - because this kind of drama seems harder to me than something more stable and consistent.

[JCSK]

My goodness - what a mess. I'm just concerned about what made you decide to sleep with him in the first place? I can't help feeling that you may have stronger feelings for him than you're letting on here. Do you really want him to stay with his wife or deep down do you actually want to be with him? I'm not having a pop, you've had enough of that and whilst everyone is entitled to those opinions, especially those who have been victim to an affair themselves, I don't think it's going to help get to the root of your problem. Like others have said, if it was 'just sex' why not chose an available man? I only ask this as I believe the answer to this question lies at the root of your problem. IMO I would stay as far away from this man as possible. Whether he believes he loves you or not, he is emotionally volatile and you would never be settled with him. If you have never done anything like this before, how did he manage to convince you to embark on this disastrous roller coaster? I would tell him he was one big mistake that you never intend to make again and that he needs to go and get some therapy quick sharpish so that he can realign his focus and commitment towards his unborn child. Then block and move on. We all make mistakes, the best we can do is learn from them.

[Coldarmy13]

First thing I thought when I read the initial post:

 

He went against the agreement and claims to have fallen for you. I’d cut the whole involvement out and make things clear to him that there is no relationship between the two of you.

 

Right or wrong, you two have to just go from there. Live with what you both did. No need to involve anyone but he two of you.

[Annia]

I don't think the OP is a bad person per se (based on this thread) but she's deflecting her responsibility in the whole situation. Maybe has a coping mechanism for feeling bad in her conscience?

 

She knows she did wrong or wouldn't have opened this thread but not taking responsibility of your actions and role in the whole situation while giving you some peace of mind at night, it prevents you from going to the origin of the problem and do better in the future.

 

I think that the OP knows that the best thing to do at this point is breaking up with him and block and delete. Weather she tells the pregnant wife or not is another topic and I usually have conflicting opinions about telling or not telling so I don't know.

 

I think it's not a matter of attacking or taking the responsibility away from the cheater but it could be useful for the OP to do some soul searching about why she thought it was a good idea to have a sexual affair with a married man with a pregnant wife and after he expresses desire to divorce the wife for her (I'd bet he's lying but ok) still be wondering what she should do when it's obvious that she should totally detach herself from him and cut all contact. She can't erase the past but she can do better now.