Found out bf is regularly meeting up with ex

[LightWave93]

The whole problem here is that the OP's boyfriend kept this hidden. He never said he was meeting up with the ex. He led her to believe that the ex was still 100 miles away, and in the past. Sure, amicable, but 100 miles away.

 

Once the OP figured out he was taking regular walks with the ex and she brought it up, he labeled her "unfair".

 

The OP's boyfriend also said he only walked with her "4 times a year", which he subsequently recanted. He can't keep his own story straight.

 

He didn't lead her to believe anything. As far as I can discern from this thread, she never asked where the ex lived. She assumed she lived outside of their city.

 

He took walks with multiple people, including the ex, and just never specified who he was with. I disagree with him for calling her unfair, because she's reasonable for wanting to know this information.

 

I've addressed the four times thing. OP's partner has been put on the spot and is now being asked how many time he's seen her. He probably can't recall the exact number, and is fearful of specifying a total in case he's mistaken.

 

Lightwave, maybe it's cool for you to spend a year in a relationship, while secretly meeting up with your ex, but it's not ok with me.

 

This is a very unfair comment to make towards me. I would never conduct this behavior unless I knew my current partner was okay with me having contact with an ex.

 

All this boils down to is a communication issue and a lack of declaring boundaries, something which can be resolved if they sat down and discussed the problem further.

[Starlight925]

Duplicate post.

[Starlight925]

I would never conduct this behavior unless I knew my current partner was okay with me having contact with an ex.

 

 

Awesome, then we agree. OP's BF did not make sure it was ok with her.

 

Instead, he opted not to tell her. Sin of omission.

 

OP is not guilty of "poor communication", as OP did not know that this was a thing to communicate about. OP thought ex was 100 miles away, as she was never told this was not the case.

 

One cannot communicate about things that one is not aware of.

 

If OP's boyfriend had asked how she felt about occasional dog walks with ex, then we'd have a different topic.

[abitbroken]

It would have been VERY easy to be upfront to say "I adopted this dog jointly with my ex 5 years ago when the dog was 1 years old - even though I sort of got custody of the dog because i had the better living situation/more time for the dog - the ex misses the dog and a couple times a year likes to come see the dog to make it easier." That would have solved the whole problem. AND also "she knows that I am in a relationship and if you would like to meet her, I am totally good with that".

 

But this shady "i only see her 4 times a year but I really can't remember "- that's a load of crap and the fact that they end up going out to eat afterwards - going to dinner with one's ex without the current girlfriend's knowledge is crap.

 

I think you are right to end this relationship. Others point out that its innocent, lie by omission. its not like he ran into her by chance and ended up not telling you - these are planned meets that include dinner. Its totally your business and its quite disrespectful. I mean, so you have to put up with him having dinner with his ex for the rest of the dog's life?

 

If it was JUST about the dog, i have heard of couples who hand the dog off to their ex once in a great while -- ie, they meet up in a neutral location and the ex takes the dog for a weekend or something -- not a cozy date

[thorough]

I'd be super pissed! Esp since he was hiding the fact that he was meeting up w/her. I wouldn't be able to trust him after you found out he was lying.

[Hollyj]

Going by your post, it sounds like he wasn't respecting boundaries that were set by you as part of your relationship. Am I understanding correctly?

 

As, from what I've gathered, there hasn't been any communication between the OP and her boyfriend as to what contact with the ex is acceptable in the confines of their relationship. The way I see it, and in summary;

 

• OP's partner had an amicably breakup with ex-girlfriend of seven years.
  
• OP's partner has mutual friends with the ex, and a dog they originally adopted together.
  
• OP's partner has taken the dog out on walks on a regular basis, often ending in dinner with whoever he has spent time with.
  
• OP's partner walks the dog with multiple people, including the ex, but hasn't stated exactly who he has seen each time.
  
• OP's partner didn't think it was necessary to mention the ex when he was seeing her for a dog walk, as he didn't wish to upset her.
  

 

Unless I'm missing something, I really don't understand why the responses here are overwhelmingly negative.

 

I don't see any difference. I wonder how the bf would have felt if the situation had been reversed. He should have mentioned it, but didn't because he was still involved with the ex. Also, why didn't he introduce the ex, if he didn't have anything to hide.

[MissCanuck]

This is a very unfair comment to make towards me. I would never conduct this behavior unless I knew my current partner was okay with me having contact with an ex.

 

Well, yeah, that's exactly the point - he didn't bother to find out if OP would be cool with him having contact with an ex.

[Honeycomb8]

Dump him. He lied and probably does inappropriate things with the ex. You are better than that. Distance yourself from that mess.

 

 

Dinner with an ex behind your back is cheating.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. He does what he wants and lies to do so. And knows very well what to lie about. How funny he puts it on you that you should have read his mind and interrogated him.

which shows to me he was withholding the information because he didn’t want any hassle. he’s withheld anything else and I don’t want to be that person.

[davidm]

@OP

 

Don't put up with it. I'm going through the exact same thing with my girlfriend, now ex girlfriend. Similar to your experience of not being invited to a wedding, my girlfriend would not invite me to anything and would go MIA secretly hanging out with her ex.

 

She's been living a double life. Hiding me from her ex, and hiding her ex from me. Don't fall victim to this, someone that honestly cares about you is going to be all about YOU and nobody else. That's my opinion.