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Found out bf is regularly meeting up with ex


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Hey guys

 

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. When we started dating we had a brief conversation about exes/how long we’d been single etc and he told me his last relationship had been a 7 year one in his home town (100 miles away). They’d bought a house together, adopted a dog - the whole works. I didn’t ask why they’d split up but he told me it was a friendly mutual break-up. He’d then moved with the dog to the city we met in.

 

He’s mentioned a couple of times over a year that he’s still friendly with her, but I just found out that she lives in the same city as us. He has been going for regular dog walks with her but always told me “I’m meeting a friend and taking the dog out”. He never told me it was his ex or that she was even living in this city - from what he initially told me I had every reason to think she still lived in their home city as they were broken up when he moved here.

 

He also told me she was surprised not to have been invited to his close friend’s wedding (he lived with the couple getting married up until a couple of months ago). This reaction makes me think there’s a possibility they’ve all been hanging out for her to feel surprised not to be invited!

 

I don’t feel threatened by his ex and I trust him not to cheat but I feel he has lied to me by omission. For a whole year he has been going out for dog walks (that almost always end in dinner at a pub) with his serious ex and never told me. He has rushed off from spending time with me to go and meet this “friend” and now I feel uncomfortable knowing he was rushing from spending time with his current girlfriend to his old one. He may well see her just as a friend but I think it’s pretty important info to withhold.

 

He’s hiding behind “well I take the dog for walks with lots of people” and “I told you it ended amicably” but to me that’s not the same thing!

 

Interested to hear peoples thoughts on whether you would find this deceitful.

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Agree with Wiseman.

 

He's keeping the door and his options open in case your relationship fails. If you're not tied to him through mutual ownership of anything of significance, you need to question whether or not you will accept this behavior from him and then decide if he's worth the investment of your time and emotion. I can only assume that since you didn't ask, he didn't tell you this until you "discovered" this was going on.....

 

I've dated women that kept the door open to exes, swore up and down that they had nothing but friendship with them now that it was over but were still communicating with them and their families. Personally, I won't accept this in a romantic relationship and I promptly ended the relationship each time and was glad that I did.

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Honestly, I'm not sure how I'd handle this. I have two exes that I haven't seen in years that I would enjoy a friendly catch up dinner with. But it's been years, and after a catch up dinner, I'd prefer another several years before seeing them again. I understand that good connections are hard to find, and I'm 100% not interested in either of them, so I would be happy to maintain a very distant friendship. I feel the same for my husband. I know he's in love with me, so if he has good connections with other women as friends, I wouldn't want to make him give that up. I would expect it to be very distant and infrequent with an ex, but I could handle it.

 

With your boyfriend, however, I get the impression that it's been relatively frequent, it's been a walk followed by dinner, potential group hangouts (with another couple no less), and he's hidden it from you. For me, that may be enough disrespect to walk away. He knew what he was doing would not be okay with you, so instead of respecting your feelings, he chose to hide it. That will not makefor a stable, healthy relationship. The more I think about it, I believe I would dump him...

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Honestly, I'm not sure how I'd handle this. I have two exes that I haven't seen in years that I would enjoy a friendly catch up dinner with. But it's been years, and after a catch up dinner, I'd prefer another several years before seeing them again. I understand that good connections are hard to find, and I'm 100% not interested in either of them, so I would be happy to maintain a very distant friendship. I feel the same for my husband. I know he's in love with me, so if he has good connections with other women as friends, I wouldn't want to make him give that up. I would expect it to be very distant and infrequent with an ex, but I could handle it.

 

With your boyfriend, however, I get the impression that it's been relatively frequent, it's been a walk followed by dinner, potential group hangouts (with another couple no less), and he's hidden it from you. For me, that may be enough disrespect to walk away. He knew what he was doing would not be okay with you, so instead of respecting your feelings, he chose to hide it. That will not makefor a stable, healthy relationship. The more I think about it, I believe I would dump him...

 

But if you were to meet up with one of these exes, wouldn’t you tell your husband? And would it be as frequent as several times a month?

 

My HS boyfriend (now married) contacted me last year, as he had a business trip in my city. I not only told my then-BF, I showed him the message string. I did have lunch with him, after my boyfriend assured me it was cool (of course he had multiple exes going, but that’s another story lol). I asked HS boyfriend if his wife knew, and he said “She will”. He then went on to tell me of marital troubles, including divorce talk. I asked him to please let her know, as I didn’t want to get in the middle of anything. He told her, and they are now back on, and I haven’t heard a peep from him in a year; I suspect she made it clear it was not comfortable for her, which I totally get.

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WOW.

 

Ending amicably means that they didn't part as enemies with their claws out -- if they ran into eachother on the street, they would feel polite. It doesn't mean "we are simply no longer sleeping together". If all along he had told you she misses the dog and she sometimes meets him for walks - that would be one thing and you could decide to continue with him or not with that knowledge AND it would require that you meet her and are included.

 

But this is shady -- and he is throwing it back on you because he says "i TOLD you it was amicable.."

 

in my eyes, he is cheating - whether you call it emotionally cheating only or what -- he is going on dates with her (which to me is cheating). This is not handing off the dog to her so she can spend time with the dog (and he kept it secret from you as well).

 

i wonder if he told you to cover his rear in case someone at the wedding mentions her and asks why the couple didn't invite her, etc., unless you found out on his own.

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I found out through piecing various bits of info together. About 6 weeks ago he mentioned the friend was female “I had to cancel on her last week” and I remembered him saying early on that he doesn’t really have any female friends. This made me suspicious but because I thought the ex lived in another city I thought there was no way it was her.

 

Then when we were on vacation last week he mentioned about her being surprised about not going to the wedding and then said again (can’t remember the context) that they’re still friendly and go for walks. That’s when I put everything together and realised it was her he’d been going with over the last year. I didn’t confront him at the time as we were 2 days in to a vacation overseas and I knew once I opened that can of worms it’d be hard to enjoy the rest of the week. I asked him straight out when we got home and he confirmed he did go to all these different places with her. We’re meant to talk about it when we see each other this weekend

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I found out through piecing various bits of info together. About 6 weeks ago he mentioned the friend was female “I had to cancel on her last week” and I remembered him saying early on that he doesn’t really have any female friends. This made me suspicious but because I thought the ex lived in another city I thought there was no way it was her.

 

Then when we were on vacation last week he mentioned about her being surprised about not going to the wedding and then said again (can’t remember the context) that they’re still friendly and go for walks. That’s when I put everything together and realised it was her he’d been going with over the last year. I didn’t confront him at the time as we were 2 days in to a vacation overseas and I knew once I opened that can of worms it’d be hard to enjoy the rest of the week. I asked him straight out when we got home and he confirmed he did go to all these different places with her. We’re meant to talk about it when we see each other this weekend

 

Oh Boy.. Whatever you do, do *not* allow him to throw this back on you --- that you are wrong to not be cool about it, that he lied by omission because "he didn't know you were serious yet" or "you wouldn't be able to handle it"

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Sorry, he is dating her and has been lying by omission to you. Decide if you want to go forward know what kind of lies/double life he is capable of. He seems to talk about her an awful lot.

I asked him straight out when we got home and he confirmed he did go to all these different places with her. We’re meant to talk about it when we see each other this weekend
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No. Just no.

 

He has been lying by omission, as others have rightly pointed out, and has some very flimsy boundaries. He would have continued seeing her if you hadn't been quick enough to catch on. I am also curious what he has told her about you; surely she has asked what you think about him meeting her so often. That is, if she even knows about you.

 

I imagine he's about to tell you that they're just friends, she doesn't know anyone in this new city, she misses their dog, it's all platonic. The usual when someone is caught being too cozy with an ex. And please don't let play innocent. He knows this wasn't a good idea, hence why he kept it all hidden.

 

The frequency of their secretive meet-ups, the lack of transparency from him, and him cutting time with you short because he was going to meet her would make it essentially impossible for me to move forward with him. He seems to be keeping the door open to a possible reconciliation.

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From what all you wrote, does this ex even know she is an ex? Sounds a lot like they are still dating and like he is basically with both of you, leading a double life of sorts. If it was all above board and it was just about her missing the dog, then why not be honest with you about whatever arrangement they have from day one? No need to sneak around. If he also will cut time with you short to be on time with his ex....I mean....that right there tells you where his priorities and emotional attachment is at.

 

Whatever is between him and his ex, they are not really done with each other, which makes you kind of a third wheel. If I were you, I'd drop him like a hot rock and step away from this mess.

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Hey guys

 

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. When we started dating we had a brief conversation about exes/how long we’d been single etc and he told me his last relationship had been a 7 year one in his home town (100 miles away). They’d bought a house together, adopted a dog - the whole works. I didn’t ask why they’d split up but he told me it was a friendly mutual break-up. He’d then moved with the dog to the city we met in.

 

He’s mentioned a couple of times over a year that he’s still friendly with her, but I just found out that she lives in the same city as us. He has been going for regular dog walks with her but always told me “I’m meeting a friend and taking the dog out”. He never told me it was his ex or that she was even living in this city - from what he initially told me I had every reason to think she still lived in their home city as they were broken up when he moved here.

 

He also told me she was surprised not to have been invited to his close friend’s wedding (he lived with the couple getting married up until a couple of months ago). This reaction makes me think there’s a possibility they’ve all been hanging out for her to feel surprised not to be invited!

 

I don’t feel threatened by his ex and I trust him not to cheat but I feel he has lied to me by omission. For a whole year he has been going out for dog walks (that almost always end in dinner at a pub) with his serious ex and never told me. He has rushed off from spending time with me to go and meet this “friend” and now I feel uncomfortable knowing he was rushing from spending time with his current girlfriend to his old one. He may well see her just as a friend but I think it’s pretty important info to withhold.

 

He’s hiding behind “well I take the dog for walks with lots of people” and “I told you it ended amicably” but to me that’s not the same thing!

 

Interested to hear peoples thoughts on whether you would find this deceitful.

 

I'll try taking a less cynical approach to this.

 

For starters, he doesn't really have to share any information at all about his ex partner. It's in the past, done and dusted etc. It doesn't matter if she lives in the same city or they have mutual friends, as it's not really your concern.

 

Then we've got the dog and it's walks. They adopted together, so it stands to reason she may want to be involved in some way. Even if that isn't the case, as she lives in the same city it was inevitable they would bump into each other eventually; since they broke up amicably, it seems as if they've chosen to remain friends and avoid any awkwardness as a result of the mutual elements (adopted dog, same city). He hasn't really done anything wrong because if your later statement is anything to go by, he walks the dog with several people. He's stated these are friends, which is factually true, but all he's done is neglected to tell you which friend he's going to walk the dog with at any given time.

 

Then there's his friends. Well, I've said it all really. His friends. The people who he chooses to share part of his life with. I'm not surprised that, after a seven year relationship, they have mutual friends. If they'd opted to not be friends it would have just made things awkward, caused drama, or he'd have had to go find new people to hang out with. As it stands, he's stuck with people he considers close and it just so happens his ex happens to be part of that group.

 

You can consider this lying by omission, and I'd be inclined to agree, but then I bring to you the question what are your boundaries? If you've made it clear in the past you're not happy with continued contact with an ex, then he's broken your trust and this is a deal breaker. If you haven't discussed this boundary, then he had no way of knowing this isn't acceptable to you. He may have "lied by omission", but maybe he considered it unimportant or he didn't want to worry you with the fact he happens to have a civil friendship with an ex partner?

 

I agree that it's a little shady, but from the information given it doesn't seem as if he's done anything that actually damages your relationship, and you appear to trust him not to cheat nor do you feel threatened. It's up to you to discuss this new-found information with him and let him know what you consider to be acceptable, and what is not acceptable.

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I'll try taking a less cynical approach to this.

 

For starters, he doesn't really have to share any information at all about his ex partner. It's in the past, done and dusted etc. It doesn't matter if she lives in the same city or they have mutual friends, as it's not really your concern.

 

Then we've got the dog and it's walks. They adopted together, so it stands to reason she may want to be involved in some way. Even if that isn't the case, as she lives in the same city it was inevitable they would bump into each other eventually; since they broke up amicably, it seems as if they've chosen to remain friends and avoid any awkwardness as a result of the mutual elements (adopted dog, same city). He hasn't really done anything wrong because if your later statement is anything to go by, he walks the dog with several people. He's stated these are friends, which is factually true, but all he's done is neglected to tell you which friend he's going to walk the dog with at any given time.

 

Then there's his friends. Well, I've said it all really. His friends. The people who he chooses to share part of his life with. I'm not surprised that, after a seven year relationship, they have mutual friends. If they'd opted to not be friends it would have just made things awkward, caused drama, or he'd have had to go find new people to hang out with. As it stands, he's stuck with people he considers close and it just so happens his ex happens to be part of that group.

 

You can consider this lying by omission, and I'd be inclined to agree, but then I bring to you the question what are your boundaries? If you've made it clear in the past you're not happy with continued contact with an ex, then he's broken your trust and this is a deal breaker. If you haven't discussed this boundary, then he had no way of knowing this isn't acceptable to you. He may have "lied by omission", but maybe he considered it unimportant or he didn't want to worry you with the fact he happens to have a civil friendship with an ex partner?

 

I agree that it's a little shady, but from the information given it doesn't seem as if he's done anything that actually damages your relationship, and you appear to trust him not to cheat nor do you feel threatened. It's up to you to discuss this new-found information with him and let him know what you consider to be acceptable, and what is not acceptable.

 

Then why wasn't he honest about who he was seeing?

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Then why wasn't he honest about who he was seeing?

 

What's to say he was being dishonest, at least intentionally?

 

OP states that her boyfriend goes to walk the dog with multiple friends. From the sounds of it, he simply never told her which friend he was going to walk the dog with on that particular day. It could have been Alice, Dave, or the ex.

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Thanks everyone for your advice. It’s really helpful.

 

I spoke to him briefly tonight and he’s really disappointing me with his reaction to the situation. He told me that I should have asked what level of contact he maintains with his ex and that it wasn’t on him to tell me they still hang out. He said he only sees her 4 times a year but then later said he can’t remember how many of the dog walks he’s been on were with her compared to with other friends. I hadn’t asked him to tell me that anyway but pointed out if he truly only sees her 4 times a year it shouldn’t be that hard to work out!

 

He also said that it would have been awkward the first time he was due to go for a walk with her if he’d told me “oh by the way she’s an ex” which shows to me he was withholding the information because he didn’t want any hassle.

 

I’m almost certain I’m going to end it as this is going to make me paranoid from now on if he’s withheld anything else and I don’t want to be that person.

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Thanks everyone for your advice. It’s really helpful.

 

I spoke to him briefly tonight and he’s really disappointing me with his reaction to the situation. He told me that I should have asked what level of contact he maintains with his ex and that it wasn’t on him to tell me they still hang out. He said he only sees her 4 times a year but then later said he can’t remember how many of the dog walks he’s been on were with her compared to with other friends. I hadn’t asked him to tell me that anyway but pointed out if he truly only sees her 4 times a year it shouldn’t be that hard to work out!

 

He also said that it would have been awkward the first time he was due to go for a walk with her if he’d told me “oh by the way she’s an ex” which shows to me he was withholding the information because he didn’t want any hassle.

 

I’m almost certain I’m going to end it as this is going to make me paranoid from now on if he’s withheld anything else and I don’t want to be that person.

 

Your choice if you want to end it, but quite frankly I think it's unfair on him. There's a boundary here that wasn't communicated before, and it appears you expect him to respect this unspoken rule?

 

Perhaps he doesn't know how many times he's been out with her, but now feels pressured to give you an exact number for fear of being mistaken and incurring your wrath if he were to correct himself?

 

Yes, he withheld information, but seemingly not with malicious intent. If anything, he wanted to protect you from any unnecessary worrying about his current stance with an ex partner.

 

Wouldn't now be the best time to discuss boundaries, instead of throwing in the towel completely? Now is a perfect opportunity to discuss this and settle on matters.

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I think you're making the right decision to end it.

 

I have a strikingly similar situation from my exBF, even down to the dog and his ex crying because she wasn't invited to a family wedding.

 

I have pages and pages of threads here about it, but I'll give you the abridged version:

 

It was, in fact, a lie, and he was, in fact, maintaining inappropriate contact with her.

 

I'm so glad that I'm almost a year away from having ended my situation, as like you, I was paranoid, always on pins and needles.

 

And like your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, mine too made it seem like I was just "insecure", that it was "unfair", that he had told me they kept in touch, blah-freaking blah.

 

In my case, we even went to therapy about it. The therapist looked him straight in the eyes and told him to block her. He did not.

 

I always felt like I was in a relationship with 3 people, and I cannot tell you how good it feels to have the silence, the boredom, from not having to deal with that mess.

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And like your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, mine too made it seem like I was just "insecure", that it was "unfair", that he had told me they kept in touch, blah-freaking blah.

 

In my case, we even went to therapy about it. The therapist looked him straight in the eyes and told him to block her. He did not.

 

I always felt like I was in a relationship with 3 people, and I cannot tell you how good it feels to have the silence, the boredom, from not having to deal with that mess.

 

Going by your post, it sounds like he wasn't respecting boundaries that were set by you as part of your relationship. Am I understanding correctly?

 

As, from what I've gathered, there hasn't been any communication between the OP and her boyfriend as to what contact with the ex is acceptable in the confines of their relationship. The way I see it, and in summary;

 

  • OP's partner had an amicably breakup with ex-girlfriend of seven years.
  • OP's partner has mutual friends with the ex, and a dog they originally adopted together.
  • OP's partner has taken the dog out on walks on a regular basis, often ending in dinner with whoever he has spent time with.
  • OP's partner walks the dog with multiple people, including the ex, but hasn't stated exactly who he has seen each time.
  • OP's partner didn't think it was necessary to mention the ex when he was seeing her for a dog walk, as he didn't wish to upset her.

 

Unless I'm missing something, I really don't understand why the responses here are overwhelmingly negative.

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Going by your post, it sounds like he wasn't respecting boundaries that were set by you as part of your relationship. Am I understanding correctly?

 

As, from what I've gathered, there hasn't been any communication between the OP and her boyfriend as to what contact with the ex is acceptable in the confines of their relationship. The way I see it, and in summary;

 

  • OP's partner had an amicably breakup with ex-girlfriend of seven years.
  • OP's partner has mutual friends with the ex, and a dog they originally adopted together.
  • OP's partner has taken the dog out on walks on a regular basis, often ending in dinner with whoever he has spent time with.
  • OP's partner walks the dog with multiple people, including the ex, but hasn't stated exactly who he has seen each time.
  • OP's partner didn't think it was necessary to mention the ex when he was seeing her for a dog walk, as he didn't wish to upset her.

 

Unless I'm missing something, I really don't understand why the responses here are overwhelmingly negative.

 

The whole problem here is that the OP's boyfriend kept this hidden. He never said he was meeting up with the ex. He led her to believe that the ex was still 100 miles away, and in the past. Sure, amicable, but 100 miles away.

 

Once the OP figured out he was taking regular walks with the ex and she brought it up, he labeled her "unfair".

 

The OP's boyfriend also said he only walked with her "4 times a year", which he subsequently recanted. He can't keep his own story straight.

 

Lightwave, maybe it's cool for you to spend a year in a relationship, while secretly meeting up with your ex, but it's not ok with me.

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