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Please no judgments I just am hoping for thoughts/advice/experiences. I am not sure if this is the right place to post this one but I am struggling with somethings. My ex and I broke up 2 months ago this week. He was in a relationship within a couple weeks of breaking up with me which tells me he was involved with her before ending it. We were together 5 years on and off. When I say on and off it is because he was hurt in the middle of our relationship which impacted it. Anyway without getting into the long details of it, I have been doing my best to move on. I went no contact from day 1 with the exception of maybe 6 texts cancelling vacation plans. He initiated those. I have had no desire to speak with him. My brain knows I need to move on. He has hurt me. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past 2 months (it was a sudden break-up in which I received no closure) and trying to do the things everyone tells you to do while healing. My brain tells me it is over, time to let him go etc. My heart is another story. I miss him. A lot. I think about him all the time. I physically feel different than I ever have. It is hard. But this past week, I have been having very realistic dreams about getting back together at some point down the line. They are waking me up. Now the thoughts are there. This is the first time since we broke up that I have had them. I wouldn’t even think about being with him because it hurt too much. All I could think was things I wanted to say about what he did and how he hurt me. Now it’s been weird. I just feel like him and I are never “finished” maybe because of what we went through together. Is it bad to think like that if I am still going about my life, finding things that make me happy, working on myself, etc? I don’t want to be in some sort of denial about things especially since he is with someone else right now. I don’t feel like I am waiting because right now, I know nothing has changed and I have not had enough time to change the things about myself that I want to change. My thoughts are more far off into the future (a year if not more). But I am worried this will somehow set my healing back. I know that no one can predict the future but these thoughts came from no where (that I know of) and there are so strong. They make me feel better for a while. I don't know if that is good or bad and I am struggling.

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OK. So your boyfriend was probably cheating on you before you broke up. Sounds like pretty good closure to me.

 

What do you mean that he was hurt in the middle of your relationship? Did you cheat on him as well?

 

It sounds like what you're feeling is just a fantasy. The relationship is over. Just keep moving on with your life. Things will get better.

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Read along this phrase:

 

Apple, banana, pear. Apple, banana, pear. Apple, banana, pear. Apple, banana.

 

What did your mind do when you got to the end? I bet it really wanted to add the word pear. You may have even felt a little frustrated that the pattern was incomplete. Relationships are a very strong pattern, and get embedded pretty deep in your brain (much deeper than a bunch of nonsense sentences) When there is a sudden end, and things are not resolved, you will struggle to find ways to fill in how you think it should have ended - or how you could have continued the pattern. It sounds like you had made some progress in your waking life in moving forward, but then your subconscious filled in those blanks while you slept. Don't see it as a set back, it's just the next hurdle you will have to jump. You need to find a new pattern (not necessarily a new relationship - you need a pattern of YOU first) so that your mind works on something else rather than trying to find the next note of the song. You will never get closure from him - any new interactions will start the pattern again.

 

Be kind to yourself, and have an understanding that two things are true: it will take time to feel like you are functioning normally, and that it is OK to feel however you feel during that process. And that you will get through it, and find a new peace and happiness on the other side.

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Hi I'm sorry you are going through a hard time.

 

I wouldn't put too much thought into the dreams. It's been about almost four years since my last relationship and I still have dreams like how you described.

I think we dream about the ones we lost as a self defense mechanism. Like it's our way of preserving them in our lives somehow when they aren't or should be. It's a way of keeping the positive mindset.

 

If that makes sense..

 

It will get easier and so will the dreams.

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OK. So your boyfriend was probably cheating on you before you broke up. Sounds like pretty good closure to me.

 

What do you mean that he was hurt in the middle of your relationship? Did you cheat on him as well?

 

It sounds like what you're feeling is just a fantasy. The relationship is over. Just keep moving on with your life. Things will get better.

 

He was physically hurt (brain injury) and is now disabled. I didn't cheat. But I knew him before and my love didn't change I made the necessary sacrifices. Sometimes I think he doesn't always know how to cope and that is why he did these things. I guess my hope is partly because he is still healing, maybe one day he will change and become more aware of it. He will never be the same but he is improving.

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Read along this phrase:

 

Apple, banana, pear. Apple, banana, pear. Apple, banana, pear. Apple, banana.

 

What did your mind do when you got to the end? I bet it really wanted to add the word pear. You may have even felt a little frustrated that the pattern was incomplete. Relationships are a very strong pattern, and get embedded pretty deep in your brain (much deeper than a bunch of nonsense sentences) When there is a sudden end, and things are not resolved, you will struggle to find ways to fill in how you think it should have ended - or how you could have continued the pattern. It sounds like you had made some progress in your waking life in moving forward, but then your subconscious filled in those blanks while you slept. Don't see it as a set back, it's just the next hurdle you will have to jump. You need to find a new pattern (not necessarily a new relationship - you need a pattern of YOU first) so that your mind works on something else rather than trying to find the next note of the song. You will never get closure from him - any new interactions will start the pattern again.

 

Be kind to yourself, and have an understanding that two things are true: it will take time to feel like you are functioning normally, and that it is OK to feel however you feel during that process. And that you will get through it, and find a new peace and happiness on the other side.

 

Thank you this makes a lot of sense. I have been feeling like I am in constant battle over my brain and heart. It sucks the thoughts are there. I thought they wouldn't come since it had been 2 months so it caught me by surprise. I am really tired of feeling heartbroken over it and I am getting frustrated with myself. But everyone says time. I know it. Patience with myself is something I don't have. Everyone else yes but not myself.

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Thank you...I wasn't really concerned about the dreams only that is what put the idea and thoughts in my head. I don't always have the dreams but the thoughts are there now and I am having trouble getting rid of them. Like I said I have no desire to contact him or reconcile but I wonder if I will in 6 months, a year, etc even when I know I deserve better. I am so tired of being heartbroken. Maybe that is part of it. Although I have no desire for another relationship at this time either.

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Thank you this makes a lot of sense. I have been feeling like I am in constant battle over my brain and heart. It sucks the thoughts are there. I thought they wouldn't come since it had been 2 months so it caught me by surprise. I am really tired of feeling heartbroken over it and I am getting frustrated with myself. But everyone says time. I know it. Patience with myself is something I don't have. Everyone else yes but not myself.

 

It's easy to be patient with someone else, because you can witness the changes over time that they can't see themselves. Emotion is "timeless" in the sense that when you feel it you don't have any sense of how long that emotion will last. Take it from someone on the outside of your emotion - it is finite and won't last. There are times you need to refocus when you feel those things; and times where you just feel it and wait for it to pass. 5 years is a long time, and the brain injury really throws a wrench into things as well. When that happened you were forced to recalibrate - how difficult it must feel to be forced to recalibrate again right when you had gotten used to that! Maybe you can think back to some of things you felt after the injury and how you coped to understand this new process of trying to move on.

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It's easy to be patient with someone else, because you can witness the changes over time that they can't see themselves. Emotion is "timeless" in the sense that when you feel it you don't have any sense of how long that emotion will last. Take it from someone on the outside of your emotion - it is finite and won't last. There are times you need to refocus when you feel those things; and times where you just feel it and wait for it to pass. 5 years is a long time, and the brain injury really throws a wrench into things as well. When that happened you were forced to recalibrate - how difficult it must feel to be forced to recalibrate again right when you had gotten used to that! Maybe you can think back to some of things you felt after the injury and how you coped to understand this new process of trying to move on.

 

That is true I had to adjust when he got hurt. I think because I was still with him and we were working together it made a difference. He used to say I was the only one who could understand him and deal with him but clearly that wasn't the case since he found someone else so easily. I get mixed up in my healing process and start thinking like it was a normal relationship when it wasn't due to the circumstances. I excuse his behavior a lot but I really shouldn't for my own sake. I will have to spend some time thinking how I coped back then. Thank you for that it makes a lot of sense.

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You keep making new posts, but youre asking us to do something we simply cant do and thats make the pain stop.

 

Your past post ended with this statement:

 

 

 

I am sure there are other single mothers, where I have no idea though. I am pretty involved in my daughters school but the mothers I do know are not single. I wouldn't even know where to look. I just googled some different options for groups and things in my area but nothing came up. My daughter and I have been going to church but so far there are no family groups at our church. And get this. I am too old for the young adult group. That hit me hard and made me feel old, lol.

 

In all honesty, I have always been a homebody. I have always been kind of a loner. It is not a good trait when you have a heartbreak though. Most of the time, I am more of a quiet person and when I meet new people, I listen more than I talk so I can get to know people and become more comfortable opening up. I am finding it often works against me because people think I am stuck-up. I am not, it is just who I am. But the older I get, the more I realize I need to change that. I think that is one attraction to my ex. He was a homebody as well and we were not the going out social type of couple. We did things with our family and kids and each other. His friends all abandoned him when he got hurt. That is why the fact he overlapped me wasn't a surprise. He can't be alone. Anyway about me, I plan on discussing my closed up homebody tendencies with a counselor when I finally get to go. I am just looking for some sort of relief to get my brain to shut off.

 

This is so much deeper than your ex, he is a symptom of the bigger problem. A counselor is going to know what plan of action would work best for you, but in the mean time I really think you simply need to get out of the house. It will create a much needed distraction which is desperately needed right now.

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This is so much deeper than your ex, he is a symptom of the bigger problem. A counselor is going to know what plan of action would work best for you, but in the mean time I really think you simply need to get out of the house. It will create a much needed distraction which is desperately needed right now.

 

Yes I was hoping maybe being open on here & talking would ease my pain. I guess I gave the wrong impression that I’m always home just because I normally like being home. I’m actually at work when I’m posting & reading on here. I’m gone 10-11 hours a day 5 days a week & have been going out shopping & the park & swimming with my daughter on the weekends at least half the days & church on Sunday morning. I think the thoughts are just there. Unfortunately work isn’t the greatest distraction right now but I obviously have to go. I make new posts when I think of questions because it helps somewhat to bridge the gap & have someone listen till my counseling appointment. It has always taken me a long time to accept things but it does happen. There’s just always been a strong pull towards him & I have an extremely analytical mind. I usually have to discect things to know end till it makes sense. I learned all this in counseling after my divorce which they explained it’s just me. This ex was just different than any other. I can’t help but think a part of it was his accident.

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Yes I was hoping maybe being open on here & talking would ease my pain. I guess I gave the wrong impression that I’m always home just because I normally like being home. I’m actually at work when I’m posting & reading on here. I’m gone 10-11 hours a day 5 days a week & have been going out shopping & the park & swimming with my daughter on the weekends at least half the days & church on Sunday morning. I think the thoughts are just there. Unfortunately work isn’t the greatest distraction right now but I obviously have to go. I make new posts when I think of questions because it helps somewhat to bridge the gap & have someone listen till my counseling appointment. It has always taken me a long time to accept things but it does happen. There’s just always been a strong pull towards him & I have an extremely analytical mind. I usually have to discect things to know end till it makes sense. I learned all this in counseling after my divorce which they explained it’s just me. This ex was just different than any other. I can’t help but think a part of it was his accident.

 

Ok...sooooo, completely ignoring what you said previously about your lifestyle, which was pretty detailed. Looking at your concern about finding confort in dreaming you will reconcile down the line. I would say yes, it is very bad to maintain that line of thinking because it will keep you stuck and since your relationship was very much on again off again, it will be harder to get over than a normally functioning relationship. Because that hope that's deeply seeded that 'they'll come back like last time' is quite hard to break.

 

Has the rubberband technique been working?

 

I know it seems like I'm picking at you, I promise you I'm not, I'm genuinely hoping you can begin to move forward a bit. You seem very stuck right now.

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I think that what usually helps to get over and kill hope is the knowledge that your relationship will never go back to being the same as it was before the break-up. When someone breaks up with us, we tend to build a fantasy about that person that in most (if not all) cases is very untrue. We think that if the person comes back, all our problems will be fixed and we will go back to feeling the way we were before they dumped us.

 

What I found from personal experience and from a number of stories here and elsewhere is that even if an ex returns, it won't necessarily make you feel better. In lots of cases, it does the exact opposite. I know you might think your situation is different. We all think that way but it's most likely not. In most cases they're just coming back for an ego boost or to ease the guilt trip. Or maybe they're just bored or feeling alone. If they're actually coming back to reconcile, you also might find that you don't trust that person anymore. You'll feel guarded and won't feel like yourself in the relationship because of fear they will dump you again as they did before. That fear will likely be in the back of your mind and will ruin the chances of a anything good coming out of it. Or you may just find you don't feel the spark or love for them anymore as you used to.

 

I'm not saying there's no chance for a truly successful reconciliation but I just think the chances are so rare that is not worthy of too much energy or thinking/hoping. Cross that bridge when (and if) you get there. Until then, focus on you, and moving on. Feel excited about what your next chapter in life (romantic or not) may be.

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Yes I was hoping maybe being open on here & talking would ease my pain. I guess I gave the wrong impression that I’m always home just because I normally like being home. I’m actually at work when I’m posting & reading on here. I’m gone 10-11 hours a day 5 days a week & have been going out shopping & the park & swimming with my daughter on the weekends at least half the days & church on Sunday morning. I think the thoughts are just there. Unfortunately work isn’t the greatest distraction right now but I obviously have to go. I make new posts when I think of questions because it helps somewhat to bridge the gap & have someone listen till my counseling appointment. It has always taken me a long time to accept things but it does happen. There’s just always been a strong pull towards him & I have an extremely analytical mind. I usually have to discect things to know end till it makes sense. I learned all this in counseling after my divorce which they explained it’s just me. This ex was just different than any other. I can’t help but think a part of it was his accident.

 

The day I realized my relationship with my ex would never "make sense" under some analytical analysis is the day my healing started. There are times where it's easy to answer "why didn't this relationship work out" - but it's not always so clear. Things get complicated. A brain injury is a serious complication. As you try and pick it apart, you will think you have it all sorted in a nice pile, and then the next day you will look at it again and it the puzzle pieces have been scattered to the four winds. The benefit of counseling is that you can try to unravel at least your own side and why you acted in certain ways, and help get tools to help keep you from falling into unhealthy patterns again. But the narrative of your relationship, especially why the other person acted the ways they did is ultimately unsolvable. I know - your mind wants to figure it all out. But that can be a trap!

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Agree with FigureItOut on the notion that a professional counselor is probably a good idea. I also had a similar realization that Saluk did about my ex as well: When you stop trying to figure out why your ex came to a rationalization that they are better with someone else than you, you can just focus on yourself, your responsibilities (family, work) and growing in new ways that (eventually) will attract someone new.

 

Of course, what sucks is that you hear this advice over and over (and give it to others), but until your heart and mind get to the "acceptance stage" of grief/anger over the loss of what this person meant to you and the space that you gave to them in your life, its incredibly painful to take that step to reach out to a counselor or doing things that will move your life forward in a positive way.

 

It took me 1.5 years to accept what I had lost, acknowledge what other historical factors (from the past and present) were compounding the situation and to start really healing from my personal hell. However, once I accepted that the door to my ex was closed forever, all of a sudden, I realized that I had moved the needle on my life in terms of growth in many ways.....but I made it a longer process by trying to figure out why she moved on, what did I do wrong, etc. and by not getting help sooner.

 

Don't be me. Get help sooner than later. If your medical benefits will pay for it, take advantage of it immediately.

 

You will get through this. It won't be tomorrow or next week, but you will get there by taking the right steps.

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Ok...sooooo, completely ignoring what you said previously about your lifestyle, which was pretty detailed. Looking at your concern about finding confort in dreaming you will reconcile down the line. I would say yes, it is very bad to maintain that line of thinking because it will keep you stuck and since your relationship was very much on again off again, it will be harder to get over than a normally functioning relationship. Because that hope that's deeply seeded that 'they'll come back like last time' is quite hard to break.

 

Has the rubberband technique been working?

 

I know it seems like I'm picking at you, I promise you I'm not, I'm genuinely hoping you can begin to move forward a bit. You seem very stuck right now.

 

No it's OK. I guess I am kidding myself that I can get over 5 years in 2 months. It seems the lack of patience with healing is a huge part of the problem. When I originally posted, I just meant I don't have much of an adult social life. The things I detailed were not that I sit at home all the time but the things I have always done centered around family and my daughter (and my ex's family and daughter when we were together). Neither one of us spent much time with friends because neither of us had many. That is more where I was going with my original post.

 

The rubberband technique worked for a few days but then I would see it and it would remind me of why it's there. Which just put him in my mind. I could snap it all day long but I started to associate it with him so I just took it off. When he pops into my mind at work I just get up and go talk to someone about anything but him now.

 

I do feel stuck. I am being honest when I say at this moment, I don't want him back though. There is too much damage done and I know that. But I have no idea what I will feel in the future. That is one reason I am impatient in getting over it. I want to make sure I never want him again. I do have a tendency to worry about things.

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What I found from personal experience and from a number of stories here and elsewhere is that even if an ex returns, it won't necessarily make you feel better. In lots of cases, it does the exact opposite. I know you might think your situation is different. We all think that way but it's most likely not. In most cases they're just coming back for an ego boost or to ease the guilt trip. Or maybe they're just bored or feeling alone. If they're actually coming back to reconcile, you also might find that you don't trust that person anymore. You'll feel guarded and won't feel like yourself in the relationship because of fear they will dump you again as they did before. That fear will likely be in the back of your mind and will ruin the chances of a anything good coming out of it. Or you may just find you don't feel the spark or love for them anymore as you used to.

 

This helps. This is exactly where I am at. I know exactly how I would feel and I wouldn't trust him. It would be me this time that would ruin anything good because of the insecurity, fear, and lack of trust. I do know of a handful of couples that reconciled years and years later when they truly were different people. I think that is what I am feeling. That maybe years later we will find each other again. Right now and in the foreseeable future, I do feel he would only come back when he is feeling down and in need of that ego boost. I am not OK with that and will not be "settled" for.

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The day I realized my relationship with my ex would never "make sense" under some analytical analysis is the day my healing started. There are times where it's easy to answer "why didn't this relationship work out" - but it's not always so clear. Things get complicated. A brain injury is a serious complication. As you try and pick it apart, you will think you have it all sorted in a nice pile, and then the next day you will look at it again and it the puzzle pieces have been scattered to the four winds. The benefit of counseling is that you can try to unravel at least your own side and why you acted in certain ways, and help get tools to help keep you from falling into unhealthy patterns again. But the narrative of your relationship, especially why the other person acted the ways they did is ultimately unsolvable. I know - your mind wants to figure it all out. But that can be a trap!

 

Yes I agree it is a trap! I am going to counseling its just that my appointment isn't until the end of the month. I am on a cancellation list but unfortunately that was the soonest I could get. Funny story my mom actually took me to a child counselor when I was 4 or 5 because I couldn't ever accept explanations for things. I asked why to absolutely everything, lol. They said it is just the way my brain processes things. As I have gotten older I have had to learn to accept there isn't always a why and its not always black and white like you said. But it is always lot of work for me to get there and accept the grey areas of things. I also do find that usually at some point in my life, my questions always are answered eventually. I need to remind myself of that.

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Agree with FigureItOut on the notion that a professional counselor is probably a good idea. I also had a similar realization that Saluk did about my ex as well: When you stop trying to figure out why your ex came to a rationalization that they are better with someone else than you, you can just focus on yourself, your responsibilities (family, work) and growing in new ways that (eventually) will attract someone new.

 

Of course, what sucks is that you hear this advice over and over (and give it to others), but until your heart and mind get to the "acceptance stage" of grief/anger over the loss of what this person meant to you and the space that you gave to them in your life, its incredibly painful to take that step to reach out to a counselor or doing things that will move your life forward in a positive way.

 

It took me 1.5 years to accept what I had lost, acknowledge what other historical factors (from the past and present) were compounding the situation and to start really healing from my personal hell. However, once I accepted that the door to my ex was closed forever, all of a sudden, I realized that I had moved the needle on my life in terms of growth in many ways.....but I made it a longer process by trying to figure out why she moved on, what did I do wrong, etc. and by not getting help sooner.

 

Don't be me. Get help sooner than later. If your medical benefits will pay for it, take advantage of it immediately.

 

You will get through this. It won't be tomorrow or next week, but you will get there by taking the right steps.

 

This helps a lot thank you. Yes I already have an appointment with a counselor but its not until the end of the month. It was the soonest I could get but am on a cancellation list. I am slowly learning I am not being patient enough with time. I guess I am kidding myself thinking I can get over 5 years in 2 months. I am trying so hard to keep the door closed this time.

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This helps a lot thank you. Yes I already have an appointment with a counselor but its not until the end of the month. It was the soonest I could get but am on a cancellation list. I am slowly learning I am not being patient enough with time. I guess I am kidding myself thinking I can get over 5 years in 2 months. I am trying so hard to keep the door closed this time.

 

I think I'm starting to understand what you are trying to say. Is this your pattern? Do you break up and you swear you'll never forgive him then you soften and get back together? Is that why youre anxious? Are you afraid that this time when you soften he won't come back, leaving you devastated? I guess what I'm asking is are you afraid of the step after anger?

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I think I'm starting to understand what you are trying to say. Is this your pattern? Do you break up and you swear you'll never forgive him then you soften and get back together? Is that why youre anxious? Are you afraid that this time when you soften he won't come back, leaving you devastated? I guess what I'm asking is are you afraid of the step after anger?

 

 

Both in a way. I am not the best at articulating my feelings I think. I mean, we weren't "on again off again" a lot. In my book we only broke up one other time. Which I guess is enough actually although I do justify the first break-up was needed for his recovery. I can provide more detail if needed but I may have already in other posts. I can't remember now. But I completely agree I tend to soften and take him back. This time I am afraid I will soften, he will actually come back and I won't be strong enough to say no because he holds such a big part of my heart. Then the pattern will start all over again and he will hurt me again. Given how he is, most people think he will be back because I have always been the safety net. I don't want that. This is also the first time I have not tried to get him back. Last time I knew I wanted him back. Not now though. But I think there me be something to what your saying. Maybe on some unconscious level, I am afraid he won't ever be back and I will be devastated later. I never thought about that or in that way.

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Honestly, I am not one of those people who don't like counseling. I actually love going and learning more about myself and talking things out with them and by the end I always feel better. I think my posts here are all over the place and just trying to find someone to talk things thru with until my appointment and it is hard when it is not face to face. I am realizing I am probably confusing people and leaving things out and not making sense which is not my intention so I apologize. I wish where I am it wasn't so hard to get an appointment.

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Both in a way. I am not the best at articulating my feelings I think. I mean, we weren't "on again off again" a lot. In my book we only broke up one other time. Which I guess is enough actually although I do justify the first break-up was needed for his recovery. I can provide more detail if needed but I may have already in other posts. I can't remember now. But I completely agree I tend to soften and take him back. This time I am afraid I will soften, he will actually come back and I won't be strong enough to say no because he holds such a big part of my heart. Then the pattern will start all over again and he will hurt me again. Given how he is, most people think he will be back because I have always been the safety net. I don't want that. This is also the first time I have not tried to get him back. Last time I knew I wanted him back. Not now though. But I think there me be something to what your saying. Maybe on some unconscious level, I am afraid he won't ever be back and I will be devastated later. I never thought about that or in that way.

 

 

 

 

The whole story according to you:

 

This is a little long but important to know the on and off. We were on and off for various reasons I thought at the time were legitimate. When we first met, we were never exclusive but I fell hard. He was fresh out of his marriage and I was in the middle of a nasty custody battle with my ex and we parted ways. I was so hurt but I knew it wasn't the best time. We tried seeing each other a few months later but again were not exclusive and we each had another person we were getting to know. In the midst of that, he chose to pursue the other one and was upfront about it. I just said OK and went the other way as well. It didn't work out for me with the other guy but I never contacted him. I saw it was still working out with his other girl (his now ex gf) so I left him alone. After many bad experiences with men I was always comparing it to him because he did treat me well during the dates etc. Polite, non pressuring, etc. About a 15 months apart he was hurt on duty and almost died. I can't explain it but I knew before I knew. I woke up in the middle of the night, felt off, just weird. Took him about 6 months to start waking up (he has a traumatic brain injury). 2 months after that he found me via social media. 2 months after that he broke up with his gf. 4 months after that he messaged me asking me if I noticed they broke up. I actually had not. We began talking but due to his accident, he was different and took about 3.5 months for him to have the courage to meet with me (he is now disabled). I didn't care. We got together and for 5 months it was great. He broke it off due to his recovery and he didn't know how to be in an actual relationship. He tried to date 2 other girls but they couldn't deal with his disability. We began talking again and he wanted another chance, promised the world and really worked to get me back and gave me more than I asked for. We were solid for 1.5 years. He had a med change in March and started acting different. It was a lot but he was angry at a lot and picked a couple fights. A couple really means that, there were 2. He was complaining a lot about his family and when I experienced what he was I saw it was greatly exaggerated on his part. I kept my mouth shut. Then 5 weeks ago he picked a fight, saying a bunch of untrue things, and ended it.

 

I honestly feel like I held on because when it was good it was so good. I've dated quite a bit (I am 37) and even with what he has done, he still acted the best. We fit like no one ever has with me. Even his family used to say we connected like they have never seen. It is hard for him to meet people given his issues but obviously he met someone willing to although she hasn't been around long enough to see the entire reality due to his injury and limitations. But still he emotionally cheated with her. It's obvious. The times I thought I had let go I realize I didn't. I am not sure I even know how to.

 

First thing that kinda caught my attention is you stated, what appears to be quite honestly, he originally left you for another woman. Now its he left to recover, I read your story as he didnt choose to commit to you until he became disabled and I think I even made a comment about that fact in your first post

 

 

I am not saying this as an AHA I caught you in a lie! Because I dont believe youre lying. I kinda think youre doing what a lot of us do and as more time passes, you're romanticizing your failed relationship.

 

You never got over him and you're not getting over him now because you subconsciously refuse to accept that its over. You're always expecting that you will start up with him again because that has been the only consistency in your union... breaking up and getting back together.

 

Once you accept that you are better off without him, and you stop expecting him to come back to you, you will heal and you will, in time get to the stage of indifference to him. It is then that you will be open enough to find a good man that appreciates you. One that you don't have to be a mother to. One that is equal to you physically, emotionally and mentally. You are stagnating yourself from being able to find such a man by not accepting

 

Time to do the mental work you need to do to move on from him.

 

I think thatwasthen hit the nail on the head very early on. I think this is hands down the best advice you've received thus far.

 

This time though my gut tells me he won’t be back. I can’t put my finger on why but it’s different. Maybe it’s the cheating or the behavior towards me. People tell me I’m kidding myself to think he won’t be back but I honestly don’t believe he will. Before I knew he would be back.

 

Could it be I’m more hurt this time not only just because of the cheating but because I know it’s done & it could never be the same? He has never behaved so badly to me & I have no desire to be with him. He’s not the man I fell in love with. It hurts but I know he’s gone.

 

What mentally do you suggest for me to try to speed up the healing to get indifferent?

 

This papagraph is what I'm basing my assumptions/guesses on.

 

You waited more than a year for him, I think, again just assuming, thats where your anxiety is coming from, I think you know you have a hard time letting him go. You said 'hes not going to cheat on me a second time' or close to it, Im being lazy and not going back to quote it so Im again assuming you felt he cheated that first time and again you waited more than a year for him, I really think your insistence to move forward this time is because you dont want to do it again, which who could blame you? But I think you dont trust yourself to move on.

 

Sorry if Im assuming way too much.

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This papagraph is what I'm basing my assumptions/guesses on.

 

You waited more than a year for him, I think, again just assuming, thats where your anxiety is coming from, I think you know you have a hard time letting him go. You said 'hes not going to cheat on me a second time' or close to it, Im being lazy and not going back to quote it so Im again assuming you felt he cheated that first time and again you waited more than a year for him, I really think your insistence to move forward this time is because you dont want to do it again, which who could blame you? But I think you dont trust yourself to move on.

 

Sorry if Im assuming way too much.

 

I am not good with the multiple quotes so I will try my best to hit the points. I think there are some assumptions but it could be the way I presented it. I have no idea how this looks so I hope its not too messy.

 

*First thing that kinda caught my attention is you stated, what appears to be quite honestly, he originally left you for another woman. Now its he left to recover, I read your story as he didnt choose to commit to you until he became disabled and I think I even made a comment about that fact in your first post

 

When we first met, we were never exclusive but I fell hard. He was fresh out of his marriage and I was in the middle of a nasty custody battle with my ex and we parted ways. I was so hurt but I knew it wasn't the best time. We tried seeing each other a few months later but again were not exclusive and we each had another person we were getting to know. In the midst of that, he chose to pursue the other one and was upfront about it. I just said OK and went the other way as well. I never saw this as he refused to commit since I had really never asked for one I was also seeing someone else. Maybe its not how it looks but how I feel.

 

We got together and for 5 months it was great. He broke it off due to his recovery and he didn't know how to be in an actual relationship. He tried to date 2 other girls but they couldn't deal with his disability. He did try and date because he thought just dating would be easier than a relationship. Here I didn't see it as he left me for another woman as he was all mixed up as to what dating/relationships/etc were about. During this time he was in several different types of therapy which one was....not sure the term....where you re-learn things about logic and emotions. He was still in therapy daily at this time and I saw a difference so I gave it another try. Here I really don't think he left for another woman either. I think he was confusing wanting a friend versus a girlfriend. By this time, his guy friends stopped hanging out with him completely.

 

You waited more than a year for him, I think, again just assuming, thats where your anxiety is coming from, I think you know you have a hard time letting him go. You said 'hes not going to cheat on me a second time' or close to it, Im being lazy and not going back to quote it so Im again assuming you felt he cheated that first time and again you waited more than a year for him, I really think your insistence to move forward this time is because you dont want to do it again, which who could blame you? But I think you dont trust yourself to move on. i am not sure where the year comes from. But the rest yes I am afraid of history repeating itself. When I said he's not going to cheat again I meant I don't want to give him the opportunity too as he did it once (this time)

 

I hope this is readable. I am not good at technology.

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