Journey out of the abyss - no contact - looking for community

[Chai]

The cracks didn't open up into chasms of addiction. I didn't break NC. I do still feel the effects of the withdrawal, but to be honest, it is hard to separate it from a general malaise that comes from some excruciating medication bungle.

 

I told my friend that I was feeling really sick and that I didn't think I could go away with her this weekend. The testament to how wobbly I am at the moment, lies in the fact that for a full hour after talking to her, I feel guilty and so incredibly crappy. I want her to be happy, and I want to go away this weekend. Given how I have been feeling since Saturday, it probably isn't the best idea, and the intense guilt is just a symptom of everything that is wrong in my world at the moment.

 

I wish that I had a little bite of electronic chocolate. I wish that I could skim the top off my thoughts and get some kind of acknowledgment of my existence. It is just remnants of an old addiction, but I feel too sick to care right now.

[Batya33]

I hope you feel better soon!

[Chai]

Thanks Batya!!

 

I am hoping time, as always will heal all.

 

:-)

[Chai]

Today I did some research into low-carb diets and how they can change our body chemistry, making us more sensitive to some medications - antidepressants were mentioned. I am wondering if this may be contributing to the fact that I still feel pretty awful today, a full two weeks after I chucked the awful generics in the bin and went back onto the brand medication.

 

It wasn't too bad, until my doctor suggested taking the medication a couple of hours earlier to try and help me wake up at a reasonable time in the morning. This was a disaster, and this seems to be the thing that my body is trying to recover from. Maybe it was too much to ask after already in a compromised position from the generics.

 

No matter what the cause, it is definitely complicated by the no contact that I started a week and a half ago. The withdrawals are quite intense, and I definitely feel like I am scratching around for some electronic chocolate.

 

This forum is very helpful, as it is soothing to read other people's stories and to contribute. It is also kind of a blessing that I feel so sick at the moment. I don't really know what is specifically (illness or withdrawal) causing me to feel so bad, but I keep thinking 'if you are going through hell, keep going.'

 

Hope you are having a good day :-)

Chai.

[Batya33]

Today I did some research into low-carb diets and how they can change our body chemistry, making us more sensitive to some medications - antidepressants were mentioned. I am wondering if this may be contributing to the fact that I still feel pretty awful today, a full two weeks after I chucked the awful generics in the bin and went back onto the brand medication.

 

It wasn't too bad, until my doctor suggested taking the medication a couple of hours earlier to try and help me wake up at a reasonable time in the morning. This was a disaster, and this seems to be the thing that my body is trying to recover from. Maybe it was too much to ask after already in a compromised position from the generics.

 

No matter what the cause, it is definitely complicated by the no contact that I started a week and a half ago. The withdrawals are quite intense, and I definitely feel like I am scratching around for some electronic chocolate.

 

This forum is very helpful, as it is soothing to read other people's stories and to contribute. It is also kind of a blessing that I feel so sick at the moment. I don't really know what is specifically (illness or withdrawal) causing me to feel so bad, but I keep thinking 'if you are going through hell, keep going.'

 

Hope you are having a good day :-)

Chai.

 

I think any significant changes can affect mood. Food = mood. Sometimes for the better of course. I'm sorry you're not feeling well.

[Chai]

Yes Batya, I think you are right, and sometimes changes in diet really can be for the better.

 

I am feeling BETTER, much better today. I actually feel like I am back to my old self (although I would really like to know who that actually is, with no medication), and this morning I even woke up BEFORE my alarm. It is so nice to be feeling good again, but I do think that I probably do need to reduce the dose of my antidepressant, at least a bit. I just get the sense that I have a bit too much of it in my system, and sometimes, the happiness that it enables, actually feels painful, because I don't know what to DO with all that happiness. But that is not today. Today is a good day.

 

Thanks for your concern. How are you doing?

[Chai]

I am starting to comprehend that he really doesn't love me. Not one bit.

 

It is true that my blog got me to move here, and that was the BEST move of my life. Also, it helped me to grow as a person, every day. I learnt so much about myself and I found a better person underneath. So I actually don't regret a minute of it. I don't regret a single word.

 

The only problem was, when I would wonder, come the weekend, where he was, and who he is with and what he is doing? Why he doesn't want to talk to me?

 

My psychologist and I turned this over and over from so many angles, until I finally found the gumption and stability to leave. It is like any addiction I think. I finally wasn't willing to put up with the sense that I was throwing my heart into the abyss, and the pain that comes from knowing that he has nothing to offer me, in return for the electronic chocolate and the personal growth. It just didn't feel worth it.

 

And now, partially on my way through to the other side, I know that I did make the right decision, because he doesn't love me, and he isn't going to lift a finger to bring me back! He literally has nothing. So. . . good riddance, perhaps!

[Chai]

I do want to do some delving into what the root cause of this pattern that I have observed through my life of becoming enamoured with people who are at some distance. Recently, I mapped out a time line of my life and the pattern seems to go back to at least primary school where I got a crush on my teacher at the time. I feel embarrassed about that now, and I did have some normal crushes/relationships during adolescence too, but I did form a few crushes on movie stars or musicians, and I would definitely obsess about these people a little bit, and try to form a connection with them.

 

I am interested to try and understand where that particular pattern comes from. Right now, after a brief 10 minute conversation with my father that was the first time we have spoken in months, I realise that this emptiness that I feel inside right now after taking the time and effort to reach out, and this sense that I am not important to him, leaves me scratching around for some kind of validation, and maybe THAT is where it comes from. I am not sure yet. I will try to talk to my psychologist about this the next time I talk to her.

 

Something good has happened as I grew as a person, and I actually think that the blog relationship that I talk about above, actually went some way to curing me of this tendency, because I definitely seem to have stopped this habit of making moves to form connections with people who are at a distance, or removed in some other way. The evidence for this is the fact that one of my tutors in my major at uni is about my age, smart and kind, and yes, while I do have a bit of a crush on him, I feel no need to open up channels of communication, or to send him insights into my world. It just doesn't seem appropriate in a way that I did not comprehend, even 5 years ago, when I was studying on the coast.

 

So, progress has been made, but my Dad does have a way of making me feel as though I am not very important. Lucky for me, I am so incredibly important to my mother and I have heard it said that all that it takes is to have one really good parent. Especially if that parent makes up for the neglect of the other one. Maybe that is true :-)

 

Hope you are having a good weekend!

[Chai]

This new way of being is definitely a Brave New World for me. There is something about losing that consistent form of validation and self expression of my blog that makes me both more emotionally vulnerable with my friends - sharing more, and opening up about both my world and my feelings, but also makes the inevitable crash from that vulnerability, a real sting in my Saturday evening.

 

It is like an emotional hangover. I shared so much of my soul today, both with friends on Facebook, and with a friend over dinner, drinks and chai. Now I feel like I have broken into a million pieces. I do feel broken, and I need to now put myself together. Maybe journalling is a good start.

 

It makes me realise just what role that blog played in my life and while it was not any kind of real or honest relationship, it definitely supported me to explore the world from a safe place and to build friendships. I think it is something to do with 'attachment theory' and while the blog connection was dysfunctional and didn't meet my needs, it gave me something that perhaps I have never had before - validation perhaps - some sense that I am important or interesting, and now without it, my heart and soul is wobbling out in the cold.

 

I feel emotionally naked today. That is how I feel. I have shared more than I normally would with real life friends, and those that I am connected to on social media, and now I am thinking of all the ways that I am not worthy, and not good enough.

 

I feel so broken inside, and so sad.

 

This is just an opportunity for growth. I know that I will learn from this. Maybe I will even grow stronger in time!!

 

I miss Turtle so much. Tears my eyes. And he didn't even love me. Ouch!!

 

When I was blogging, I felt like I was throwing my heart and soul into an abyss. Now I feel that abyss inside of me. This emotional vacuum that I have no idea how to fill.

[Chai]

I am pretty sure that journalling is one part of the answer, at least for now. Whether it is here, publicly, or in draft posts on my blog that only I can see, I think it is going to help me to weather this rather bumpy new and vulnerable world.

 

Something that I read today said that I need to learn to give myself what I need, and what my emotionally neglectful parent did not have the capacity to give me during childhood.

 

One thing that I can do to validate my OWN emotions is to write in a journal. Writing has always been my salvation, and perhaps it can help me again!

[Chai]

It is so truly amazing how rejuvenating a good night's sleep can be. Last night before sleep, I really felt as though I was on the verge of breaking. It was so hard to know what to do to, or what to give to myself to soothe my soul, but taking myself off to bed was a very healthy thing to do, and I do feel a LOT better this morning.

 

I guess that is some of the consequences of sharing feelings openly with friends or putting myself 'out there'. It feels uncomfortable, and the resulting sense of vulnerability can be quite challenging, but maybe I will get better at moderating the degree to which I 'share' and on what channels.

 

It is nice to live as though I have my heart on my sleeve a little, though.

 

I feel like I want to go and see a French movie in town this evening! Perfect day for a mooovie :-)

 

Hope you have a good day / evening / sleep!

[Chai]

It is a bit scary, because it requires a certain sense of vulnerability and emotional availability, but I think since my blog is gone, I want to make plans to strengthen the connections with friends that I do have, and hopefully meet some more likeminded people too!

 

What I want to do is to reach out more and be more active in my friendships. Today, I wondered if I might start a list of three people I want to reach out to every day.

 

And today, I did it!! Even though I did it through text, rather than picking up the phone, I did manage to ask the two people I was thinking of what they have planned this afternoon. (The aim was to ask if they want to join me for a lovely, warm French movie).

 

So, I reached out. If only a little!

 

Hooray!

[Batya33]

Why would you reach out every day? I love that you asked people to see a movie -great idea. Yes, all friendships require some vulnerability/emotional availability but also on a practical level the ability to make plans, follow through, be reliable and show up.

[Chai]

Hi Batya,

 

I didn't mean reach out to the same three people every day. At the time, I thought that I would try to reach out to three different people each day. But even that is not very practical! I am pretty good on the practical follow through side of things, but I am hoping that I start reaching out to make plans a bit more.

 

Hope you are well :-)

Chai

[Batya33]

Hi Batya,

 

I didn't mean reach out to the same three people every day. At the time, I thought that I would try to reach out to three different people each day. But even that is not very practical! I am pretty good on the practical follow through side of things, but I am hoping that I start reaching out to make plans a bit more.

 

Hope you are well :-)

Chai

 

That makes sense and that is inspiring -good for you! (hanging in, little sleep, hectic situations but it will all resolve soon - nothing life threatening lol)

[Chai]

Thanks Batya!

 

I hope your situation does resolve soon :-) You have young children right? The lack of sleep thing must be so hard! Especially at our age!

 

Good for you for hanging in there!

 

Chai :-)

[Chai]

I do feel some lingering urges to reach out to Turtle. Mostly when I want to share a happy thought with him, or something else lovely, like a nice song.

 

And then in other moments, I really feel like I am moving on. I notice this most when I wake up in the morning, and I am not reaching out, or otherwise aware of his existence.

 

I wonder if he thinks of me? I should delete that sentence, but I will never know, so it really doesn't matter!

[Chai]

I will tell you the truth Internet. . . the thing that got me thinking about whether I need to cut contact further, was a bit of a schizophrenic trigger. I am just going to be honest about this, because what else can I do?

 

When I walked out of my coworking office this afternoon after I finished work and set off across the road to walk home for the day, I saw one of those soft, lolly (candy) pineapples on the ground outside some kind of camera shop. It was innocently sitting there near the corner of my office, and I innocently thought to myself 'I would really like to pick that up and eat it' HAHA (I have been sugar free for 4 months now). Obviously, I did not do this!

 

This innocent thought set off a cascade of other thoughts in my head. It reminded me of the blog post that I posted on the weekend about low-carb diets and the positive effects of quitting sugar. Then I wondered if maybe this was Turtle's only way of communicating his attention of me.

 

These thoughts pretty much stopped there, until I got home and reread the blog post and even edited a sentence (shock, horror!), then I felt that familiar feeling of wanting to scratch around for some electronic chocolate, and then I considered that maybe I should not be blogging at all, and that posting that blog post on Saturday opened up the cracks of this stupid connection.

 

. . .

 

Two things. 1. I have schizophrenia. It might not be very obvious to the average person, or in fact to (m)any of my friends, but to the people who get the insight into my inner conscious world, it is clear that this 'pineapple thought' was actually a schizophrenic thought, reminiscent of earlier schizophrenic thoughts in less balanced times.

 

2. The mistake that I made was maybe NOT the writing of the blog article on Saturday, maybe the mistake that I made was following each and every one of those schizophrenic type thoughts and connections that were inspired by a pineapple lolly on the footpath and made POSSIBLE by the earlier blog post.

 

Because I followed each thought, and did not nip them in the bud, the loosely connected series of thoughts culminated in pain, or this need to cut back my communication on the internet even further, but, maybe the problem is the schizophrenic thoughts, and not the communication at all.

 

MAYBE, this whole blog 'communication connection' with Turtle, is just one giant schizophrenic thought!

 

EVIDENCE:

 

Even if Turtle (whoever that is) knew where I worked (which is possible), and went to all that effort to get a pineapple in my path (which is also, while unlikely, still possible), why on earth would he DO something like that? Why wouldn't he just pick up the telephone and call me?

 

Like many schizophrenic delusions, these things are usually 'possible', but in ACT, therapists talk about 'are the thoughts (any thoughts) actually useful?' In other words - is the thought that Turtle left the pineapple there for me USEFUL? It doesn't really matter if it is true or not. Is it useful? Not really, I would suggest, because he is not on the other end of the phone. So, I can ignore it, but it takes SOME skill to be able to identify this and to defuse this thought.

 

. . .

 

It is like the blog thing. Even if the person who I think is Turtle (which is possible), is reading my blog (which is also possible), what difference does it make to me? He / or she obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so they obviously don't want to have a relationship with me. They may be interested in my art, my life, my work. They don't want to give anything of themselves, which means that I should basically ignore them. My, wouldn't THAT be powerful?

 

Just not sure how to achieve that yet! Goodnight!

[Chai]

The more experience I get with 'feelings' the more I realise that they don't mean a whole lot!

 

Tonight, I feel so incredibly blue. It is this weight in my chest, it is a kind of tightness in my throat. I feel like everything is an effort, as though my heart is dragging along the floor. But beyond observing the 'sensations' as they are, it really doesn't MEAN anything.

 

I think that a lot of times these things can be chemical, and certainly they are pretty much always beyond our control.

 

I have been developing this knowledge for some time and I have been getting closer to this conclusion, but tonight I feel just that little bit closer to the wonderful place where negative feelings certainly don't stop me from living the life I want to live and be the person I want to be. They have less power somehow.

[Chai]

Good morning :-)

 

I feel a bit bleak this morning. Maybe it is the inevitable crash from sharing more than I normally would at dinner with my parents (that vulnerability and availability thing again!), or maybe it is hormones, or maybe my heart is sad because it is becomingly increasingly clear that Turtle never loved me. Maybe I wasn't even ever talking to him at all. Maybe that was someone else - this is where the fantasy begins to smart and cause pain.

 

Whoever he / she was - they treated me like shiz, and this is for the best! I am pretty sure of that.

 

In any case, it is nice to drink freshly brewed coffee earlier than I would normally, and to doodle around a bit before getting ready for work.

 

My heart is so sad!

 

It feels like this knot in my chest and the ache spreads across my body, like this estringent, shrill kind of alarm. There is a dull ache in my chest, and I want to get physically lower, in space.

 

Hold on my heart!!

[Chai]

It is that time of the evening, after a huge day of working and chatting to customers, where I am planning to spend a bit of leisure time before bed. So, I think I will post in my blog, even though no one will see it but me!

 

I actually wanted to write here, on ENA, because I am realising something about the dynamic with my parents. I have two parents, and one of them, my father, I often feel like he dismisses me, or doesn't really pay me very much attention. We didn't speak to each other for five months just recently until I gave him a call so yes, we aren't very close.

 

I did think that it was because he just didn't care about me, or was very interested in me, but do you know what I think might be happening here? Some kind of triangulation. When I go out to dinner with my parents or at any other time, my mother is just completely absorbed with me. She directs pretty much all her attention to me, and focusses on me pretty much the whole time. So, my Dad just kind of gets left on the outer. It kind of sucks, and I need to manage this dynamic I think.

 

I know that I haven't seen my Mum in a while, but we do talk all the time, even though it is not in person, and she can't change who she is. She just loves me, and she is very interested in my world.

 

I guess I am just wondering if there is some element of jealousy here, somehow. They had kids very young and I am pretty sure that my Mum threw everything into her children and perhaps her husband feels a bit neglected, and this is especially so at a family dinner. On the other hand, I get the feeling that she directs ALL her attention to him when they are alone.

 

I can observe that perhaps this is the case, without struggling and just trying to be the person I want to be.

 

It doesn't feel good. I feel sickly sweet with all that attention.

 

I am just trying to work my way through it. I wish it was 6pm!

[Chai]

Good morning,

 

I am just about to get out into the world to begin (hopefully), another big day of taking customer orders at a trade fair.

 

Almost every day, my acceptance that Turtle doesn't love me, and doesn't care, sinks in a little deeper to my core.

 

This is a good thing! I know. It is deconstructing some belief, or at least going through the stages of grief with it, perhaps.

 

It just hurts, thas all :-)

 

Despite that, it is a wonderful week to be in this beautiful city. So exciting!

 

Cheers,

Chai.

[Chai]

This stage of grief, at least today, seems to be the bargaining stage.

 

I want to reach out to him. I want to plead with him to give me his attention.

[Chai]

Good evening,

 

On my walk home, through these rainy winter, city streets, I thought to myself about what was waiting for me when I get home. I really wanted to find Turtle here, in my house, but that just makes me realise that all that time, I was hoping for something that was never going to happen, as much as it hurts to say that.

 

It also makes me realise that what I really want is someone lovely to come home to. And to be honest, I think that this whole fantasy with Turtle was stopping me from finding that kind of relationship. It still is, I guess. When I am reminded of him all the time, it is not opening up my life for someone else to step in. But I think it will just take time. This whole process of grief means that I am definitely healing.

 

I wish that I could wrap him up and hear his soul. Except that I know nothing of his soul, so what is the point, really?

[Chai]

Oh wow! A sunny Saturday morning and no avenue for reaching out to Turtle. It was so addictive to share something of my happiness with that fantasy idea of some beautiful boy who was interested in my world. It makes me think of something that someone posted in another thread about cyber relationships - that it is basically just like interacting with a mirror image of yourself. (I should try and find the exact quote!)

 

@bluecastle 'It's just people using people as mirrors and calling it connection.' Such an interesting insight, I thought!

 

It is hard to say, but it was the intensely rewarding process of sharing which makes that communication so addictive. It is really not the same as posting on Facebook and getting attention from my friends. In those moments of withdrawal, I want his attention specifically, and nothing else will do. Perhaps because it was an incredibly powerful form of validation (some kind of mirror, perhaps).

 

As time wears on, I realise more and more that he doesn't love me and he doesn't care. He hasn't tried to stop me, he hasn't done anything at all to indicate this is a problem. So, I am guessing that he doesn't care, or was never even there. . . I crumble! Haha. This is such soul breaking stuff!

 

This cyber 'mirror' as it was, has given me so much. I feel like I have grown so much for this validation that I found on the internet.

 

It was worth it for the personal development, but it sure is heart breaking to leave Turtle behind!