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43 and losing at life


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I swear, ever since my breakup from my ex girlfriend 2 years ago my life has completely spiraled downhill. I mean I was already in a bad spot, career wise, before I met her, but because I finally had someone come into my life who acted like they cared about me I was actually starting to make small, positive, forward progress. Yes, we were having a lot of issues, but deep down I was happy. She brought excitement into my life. She was sexy, beautiful, sexual, a warm body, someone to talk to, hang with, something worth living for. Suddenly I wasn't alone anymore.

 

But after my breakup I totally disintegrated. I fell deep into depression. Panic attacks. I quit my job and totally distance myself from family and especially my only 2 friends, mainly my best friend. I became a recluse. I was and still am an absolute shell of myself. I'm depressed. Totally depressed. I'm frightened. Hopeless. And my stupid, logical mind keeps holding me back from moving forward. I can't escape this mental anguish. Fear has totally consumed me. I'm paralyzed with fear, doubt, laziness, you name it.

 

Forward movement is non-existent. What depresses me the most is that I never got myself off the ground career wise in my youth. This is the one main thing that has me feeling the way I'm feeling right now. This lack of work towards my career/foundation was the single most devastating mistake I made in my life. Instead I focused on another dead-end career, if you can even call it that, which looking back I was doomed from the start, mainly due to my major, MAJOR insecurities stemming from childhood. I wanted to be an actor. HA! What a joke. Because of which I never redirected my life in another direction. Instead I bounced from one meaningless job, to another to another and before I know it, bam, I'm 43!

 

Yes, thinking in the past is no good and what's important is the now. I get it. But I just can't help it. I'm obsessed with my negative past and how it led me to this moment. I feel at my age of 43 that it's over. I just don't feel the energy and spark anymore. Where did it go? Why? How!? I'm so deep in this dark hole that I can't get out. I guess that's called depression. Which is why I'm here admitting and submitting to it once and for all. I was in denial but I'm here to let it consume me.

 

I distance myself from my best friend because I'm jealous of his life. We don't talk anymore. My best friend is successful. He started a business from scratch and now has done so well for himself. He's married, beautiful house, nice cars, eats at nice restaurants, 2 dogs, goes on vacation from what seems like every 2 or 3 months. He and his wife are so happy. I see it. I know they are. But now I've grown to despise him. Last night I was driving and cursing him. How sick am I? Cursing at his luck, how his situation worked out so well because of decisions and breaks he had his way. I'm also jealous and full of rage at everyone else who I see as "successful." Obviously it's because I'm a total failure in life. My stupid, dumb logical mind and past mistakes has totally corrupted all hopes of me to move forward in the now. Mainly because I feel incapable and lacking in discipline, courage, education, experience and that my time has past. The few opportunities I did have in the past have all but evaporated.

 

No matter what self-help book, video, article or advice I get I always somehow manage to get myself right where I am now. I'm governed by fear. Or, that if I try to attempt the advice I quit almost immediately. Again, the "what's the point" thought brings me right back. It's like I WANT to fail. I WANT misery. I WANT suffering. The thing is I'm so insecure about my level of education, resume/work history and given my age that that's why I feel the, what's the point, thoughts. I know it's stupid and only an illusion of the mind but man, I keep thinking this over again as-if it's real. I can't stop. I'm obsessed!

 

My once creative mind has all but evaporated. Where in the past I used to come up with creative ideas and solutions to problems, now, I'm just left with this cynical, negative, hopeless, lazy mindset.

 

Why didn't I think to be smart and set myself up properly like a normal person does when they're young, a time when we have the most energy and creative outlook!? I didn't go to school or focus on an actual career and stick to it so that I could've been a somebody today!? Instead I'm a loser but only because I don't have the guts to actually do something about it right now!!!!

 

I still live with my mother, have almost no savings, actually in debt, no girlfriend and I drive for Uber for Christ sakes!!! God, how embarrassing and humiliating. I absolutely hate that job with a passion. I hate most of the stupid passengers I pickup. I seriously want to drag some of them out of my car and beat the crapp out of them. Can you tell I'm angry? lol. But I also can't leave it. Without it I will have ZERO income. It's so dam pathetic. I'm embarrassed so much that I almost can't face myself to my family because of shame. I don't go out on dates because I would not want to subject the poor woman to my lifestyle. I know the importance to a woman having a man who is career oriented. I just am not because I'm lost. A drift. And I already know they'll end up breaking loose anyway. It's what has happened plenty of times in the past so again, what's the point.

 

And the thing is, and get this, I also don't want to think positive. Every time I have thought positive like taking positive steps in a forward direction, again, I go right back to thinking "what's the point, I have no career, no work experience, so no one in their right mind would want to hire me" excuse. Just excuse after excuse after excuse. It's almost maddening. I don't know who I am anymore. Honestly. I'm a worthless human being. Worthless. I'm so depressed and worthless that me writing this actually is making me happy. I'm happy that I think of myself as worthless. It feels good. I don't know if this is the work of the devil or just me but whatever this is, it feels really good to brag about my problems. I'm attention seeking right now folks. A little, scared, pathetic child seeking refuge crying like a little baby with my thumb in my mouth. I'm selfish. It's all about me.

 

It's no wonder opportunities and people have all but evaporated from my life. My energy and vibration level is so low now that no opportunity, positive thoughts, or luck wants anything to do with me. Thanks to the power of mind and freewill. Didn't God know when he/she/it made us that not EVERY human being is capable of self improvement. Most of us are just too weak to rebuild. I am one of those. I don't learn. I don't want to change because I believe I can't. I have asked God, no, I take it back, I've BEGGED God for help over and over and over to the point that it's nauseating. Absolutely no help whatsoever. A mute.

 

The scariest feeling crossed my mind the other morning. My first thought when I woke up was of absolute hopelessness and meaningless to life. Like zero. Where as normally I feel comfortable swimming in my own misery this very thought was something I quickly dismissed because I knew in that split second had I further entertained that thought it was a dead-end with all but one conclusion, suicide.

 

Folks, I don't expect advice. I'm only attention seeking right now as you can tell. A big baby. I know I left myself here with no way to win. I'm just being honest and forward with my feelings. Yes, I'm not making any sense and I'm all over the place. Yes, it opens me up to being criticized for being weak, lazy and inadvisable and I deserve it. I'm angry, full of rage actually and I want to see successful and happy people burn. I'm being honest.

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I started over again at age 48. I had a decent career going prior but I made a decision that in hindsight was a bad one, although I made it with good intentions. I left a solid career to try to help a family member who, it turned out, wasn't willing to help himself let alone allow me to help him. So I took a cashiering job, which as you can imagine didn't exactly pay the bills. I was a quarter inch from declaring bankruptcy and my credit score, which I had spent years building up, went into the toilet. I was living in one room in my family member's house with zero money and zero social life. My family member was hounding me for rent money (he was charging me $550 per month for the one room and bathroom) which of course I was unable to pay fully. He was keeping tabs of how much "back rent" I owed him and was asking frequently when I was going to pay it even though he makes six figures and paid tens of thousands of dollars for a vacation package for his girlfriend. Oh, and I had no boyfriend either and no dates.

 

Anyway...I knew I could not keep going like that. So I sent my resume everywhere I could. I made it a goal to send no less than 10 resumes a day and fill out at least two online applications per day. A few months later I got a hit from a company I didn't even remember applying to. They wanted to hire me on the spot. They had a location opening and needed several hundred employees. It didn't pay super well but it was way, way better than what I'd been making cashiering. It was physical labor but at that point I couldn't afford to turn my nose up to anything, so I took the offer and started working the graveyard shift (again, couldn't afford to be picky!).

 

Well, fortunately because I'm older, have a work ethic and didn't act all snooty at having to do things like unload boxes off a truck, someone noticed. I got a temporary promotion that eventually turned into a permanent one. Recently, after more hard work, I got promoted again. I am now making enough money to do some traveling, enjoy recreational activities and have dinners out and do some recreational shopping. And I can afford to go out with friends. I'm now in my mid 50s and am doing pretty well.

 

You are way younger than me and you can absolutely start over. But you cannot be your own worst enemy.

 

Do you have any resources available for counseling? I understand that as an Uber driver you are an independent contractor, but social services usually exist for people who just need some career counseling or to be pointed in the right direction.

 

The question is...do you enjoy the way you're currently feeling? I would guess no. If the answer is "no", then you (and only you) need to make the decision that things are going to change. Unless you are one of those people who enjoy wallowing in misery, then no one can help you because you don't want help. But if you do, you CAN do something about it.

 

I hope my story has been somewhat helpful.

 

Oh, and "hating" your friend for being successful...how does that help? I'm sure you know it doesn't. If he lost his business suddenly and went bankrupt would that make you happy? Most likely not. Using your friend as a target for your regret doesn't change anything. But you probably know that.

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You are not worthless, and there is no "winning" or "losing". The best you can do is the best you can do with what tools you have at your disposal. You have listened to and agreed to those negative voices for too long and given them power over you. You don't hate others for being successful. I know that that is how you feel, but it is really just your unreasonable hatred of yourself that LOOKS like hating others. You don't actually hate them for what they have, you hate yourself for not having it.

 

It does sound like you really need someone to talk to who will listen. I don't know if therapy is available for you, if it is then you should give it a try, because that's exactly what it is: a place where you can say all of the things you feel without being judged for it. If it is not, feel free to continue to post here. Sometimes diaries can help, because you can read back the things you wrote at your least lucid and see them for the lies they actually are.

 

Because they ARE lies. Almost everything you wrote in your post is a completely fabricated lie that you have told yourself enough times that you believe it.

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Why did things go so bad with my ex. I swear I would not be here now:(

 

You described her as awful.

 

I remember your posts from back then. You two did not have the magical, perfect relationship you're pretending it was now.

 

She is just someone to blame for your life not going the way you want it to. You hate your friend for being successful. You think if you ex was still around your life would be perfect. Where is Justin's responsibility in all of this?

 

Are you just going to ignore all the advice I and the others have given? Would you rather just wallow? Or do you want to feel better about yourself?

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Your friend didn't just fall into things -- he had a goal and he worked hard towards it.

 

The trouble with you and your girlfriend is that you depended upon her for your happiness, and that is unfair to her and you.

 

Lots of people drive for Uber because they want some side money, like people watching/like to meet people or like that they can make their own schedule around other things they want to do.

 

Instead of blaming the world and everyone in it - why not take some ownership here? I don't think its the case where you are simply depressed or down - your atitude towards other people is foul on top of it.

 

So....why not start over tomorrow. use Uber to put aside as much as you can and figure out what you want to do. Take a class at a community college if you want to or go to a career counselor who can tell you what steps you need to take to get into a job that you want to get into after figuring out what skills you actually have - whether that involves a certification or schooling or something else.

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Have you heard of the term unconditional self acceptance? I feel like reading up on that couldn’t hurt you in the slightest.

 

What do you do for fun? Have you considered maybe making another friend or two? Do you do anything to maintain the friendship with the one you have? Would you even want to?

 

You aren’t able to control much else but how you react to current circumstances. So acting hasn’t made you a living wage (but do you enjoy it? And are you still involved?) What else could? What else might you enjoy? What do you need to learn to do the thing? My mum went back to university ages 40, studied to be a teacher, failed at it, switched to studying social work. Was gainfully employed as a social worker for many years. Telling yourself it’s too late is a fiction that’s making you unhappy and keeping you stuck.

 

Also, I tip my hat to you for doing the Uber driving, some would not even take that opportunity

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Hi there Justin,

 

I just wanted to say that I hear you. It sounds like you are in a huge hole of despair, and you have neither the skills or the motivation to stop digging the hole and get on a ladder and get the heck out of there!

 

Depression can be really tough, because so often people feel like they want to isolate or reduce their life to a size of a matchbox. Depression makes everything feel like it is 'all too hard'. The tough nut to swallow is that the only way out of depression is to push (just a little), in a direction that is valuable to you. That is what will get you out of this god awful hole.

 

The wallowing and the self loathing also feels good I think, because it is your comfort zone at the moment. It is familiar and doesn't require you to make any kind of effort beyond beating yourself up, so, you take enjoyment in it.

 

I have had a lot of success with the process of not 'hooking up' on my thoughts, urges and feelings. It can take a bit of practice, but you are 'following' that thought that you are hopeless, and everything sucks and you are beating it for everything that it is worth.

 

What is one value that is important to you? From the sound of your post it sounds like 'social connection' is important and 'financial independence' is also important, as well as having the 'respect and admiration' of your peers? Maybe next time your mind starts telling you the story that everything is hopeless and crap, you could say to yourself 'thanks mind - I am having the thought that I am hopeless' and then instead of following that thought, focus on doing one small thing towards one value that is important to you.

 

That is how successful lives are built. It is not about grand gestures. If you are living in a way that is consistently moving a little bit closer to your values, you will be happy.

 

Cheers,

Chai :)

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Sorry you lost your girlfriend, I know that is devastating when you don't have much else.

 

I read something once that essentially said, 'self-improvement is really hard, but so what? It's better than the alternative of doing nothing about it.' I hang onto that when life sucks. I don't pray, I try. Wallowing isn't worth it. No one is entitled to anything; good things must be earned. Yeah some people get it handed to them. But most don't.

 

People change careers mid-life; lots of people start over. It's not weird if you go get a 6-month certification in something even though you aren't very young anymore.

 

Also, do you or have you been on drugs, or do you drink a lot? That stuff will mess with your mood. Try taking walks, start getting some exercise. Whatever you enjoy to get your endorphins up. It's your one and only life; your decision where you go with it. Girlfriends aren't everything.

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