Sticking to boundaries - ( Journal Thread )

[figureitout23]

Set it up while youre on a high so you arent tempted to talk to her about things other than the kids

[Red88]

Set it up while youre on a high so you arent tempted to talk to her about things other than the kids

 

Also, draft it and let it sit around for awhile. Do not send it until you read it after you've had a good workout.

 

Thank you for the wise words. I’ll update you on the progress of the email. It should go smooth, we’ll see.

 

Tonight I attempted to FaceTime the kids. Due to my phone or hers, it wouldn’t connect? Yep. Great. So I’m not sure if I need an update or what’s going on.

 

Anyways....I’ll see what’s going on tomorrow. I won’t call or reach out I don’t think. I’ll go back to email and block. She’ll send an email most likely in regards to this whole FaceTime episode and maybe we configure a certain time to do it. Instead of FaceTime calls on and off all day that wouldn’t go through.Shrugs.

 

So would of liked to go to bed seeing and hearing them but we’ll see about tomorrow.

 

Red88

[figureitout23]

If you couldnt get the facetime working I hope you at least called. Relationship with children trumps NC, man.

[Red88]

If you couldnt get the facetime working I hope you at least called. Relationship with children trumps NC, man.

 

I just kinda waited it out. Seemed the situation was getting kinda loose so I just sat tight and waited. I update my phone and take a shower and boom. She emailed saying they wanted to talk and also sent a text. I never replied. By the time I got them it was later at night so I didn’t bother. I’ll call tomorrow, it’s fine. One of my main boundaries is email only and she knows this is. I’ve told her to respect it please. I don’t wanna get back into buddy buddy texting. Not happening. We can’t be friends right now, hopefully one day though. So email is more formal in my mind and business like. Which is what we basically are now is two people who discuss issues related to the there kids. They’re my investment in many ways :)

 

Anyhow, I’m gonna either speak or FaceTime them tomorrow evening. Either one. Then I’ll go ahead and block and get back to my email only boundary which has been working well. Still some loose ends but I’m pushing on. She just needs to except and get used to us communicating in this way. She’ll start texting and calling and I’m not gonna be led on with false hope and breadcrumbs, not anymore.

For some reason she doesn’t like to send breadcrumbs through email? Interesting. That’s just been my own experience in my specific relationship.

 

I feel a little slice of healing maybe going on. We’ll see.

 

Red88

[Red88]

Set it up while youre on a high so you arent tempted to talk to her about things other than the kids

 

Very good idea. I’ll make sure when I talk to them I’m always upbeat and happy. And if I’m in a low or something I’ll wait till the next day. They love me they’ll understand lol.

 

Red88

[MissCanuck]

Very good idea. I’ll make sure when I talk to them I’m always upbeat and happy. And if I’m in a low or something I’ll wait till the next day. They love me they’ll understand lol.

 

Red88

 

OP, come on. They're children. You get on that phone and call them when you say you will. They're too little to understand that Dad is feeling down so he doesn't want to talk to them right now.

 

You don't need to engage with your ex when you're feeling like this, of course, but do not make your children wait to talk to you until you're not mad at their mom. You need to learn to put that aside and be there for your kids regardless. If they want to talk, you talk to them. If FaceTime isn't working, call directly. Don't "wait it out" - what does that even mean?

[boltnrun]

After you move closer, are you going to skip scheduled visitations with them if you're missing your ex or feeling sad over her? I would hope not.

 

You can put your own feelings aside for your kids.

[figureitout23]

Very good idea. I’ll make sure when I talk to them I’m always upbeat and happy. And if I’m in a low or something I’ll wait till the next day. They love me they’ll understand lol.

 

Red88

 

Sorry, I must not have been clear, I'm not saying only talk to your kiddos when happy. I was saying use the good mood to contact to set up the schedule since you'll be less tempted to talk about stuff other than your kids.

[Red88]

OP, come on. They're children. You get on that phone and call them when you say you will. They're too little to understand that Dad is feeling down so he doesn't want to talk to them right now.

 

You don't need to engage with your ex when you're feeling like this, of course, but do not make your children wait to talk to you until you're not mad at their mom. You need to learn to put that aside and be there for your kids regardless. If they want to talk, you talk to them. If FaceTime isn't working, call directly. Don't "wait it out" - what does that even mean?

 

OP, come on. They're children. You get on that phone and call them when you say you will. They're too little to understand that Dad is feeling down so he doesn't want to talk to them right now.

 

You don't need to engage with your ex when you're feeling like this, of course, but do not make your children wait to talk to you until you're not mad at their mom. You need to learn to put that aside and be there for your kids regardless. If they want to talk, you talk to them. If FaceTime isn't working, call directly. Don't "wait it out" - what does that even mean?

 

You’re right. I’m still trying to get the hang of all this. I do need to suck it up and put my bs aside. It won’t happen again and that’s why I like this forum. Because when I do what I think is right...I’m usually wrong when it comes to this stuff. Im lost and confused on how all this should go down. Thanks for bringing this fault of mine to light.

 

I just got off FaceTime with them. It was nice to hear and see them. Although I was at work and driving. My day is so much better now :)

 

I kinda am standoffish because even when I hear my ex’s voice it kinda stirs emotions. O well. Like I said above, I need to man up and put my bs aside for them. I’ll get better at all this. It’s still so raw.

 

Anyhow, hope everyone had a good day. Stay strong.

 

Red88

[Red88]

After you move closer, are you going to skip scheduled visitations with them if you're missing your ex or feeling sad over her? I would hope not.

 

You can put your own feelings aside for your kids.

 

 

I agree with you and no I wouldn’t do that. I’ll just have to suck it up and stop looking out for myself so much.

My emotions don’t need to get in between me and my kids.

 

Red88

[Red88]

Sorry, I must not have been clear, I'm not saying only talk to your kiddos when happy. I was saying use the good mood to contact to set up the schedule since you'll be less tempted to talk about stuff other than your kids.

 

I completely understood what you meant and I think that it is a good idea.

 

I’ll get better at this as I adjust and reach more of an acceptance level. Right now I’m just so focused on healing I don’t put enough emphasis on them. I’ll work on it for sure.

 

Red88

[Red88]

Phone calls vs FaceTime are harder because there so young and it’s very hard to keep there attention. But next time if for some reason I can’t FT them I’ll call directly.

 

I’m weak I’ll admit it. I’m working on strength. I’m still in a phase and I’m not sure which one I’m in.

I think I’m actually in multiple phases at once. Crazy mind of mine.

 

Thanks for all replies it helps tremendously.

 

Red88

[MissCanuck]

Phone calls vs FaceTime are harder because there so young and it’s very hard to keep there attention. But next time if for some reason I can’t FT them I’ll call directly.

 

I’m weak I’ll admit it. I’m working on strength. I’m still in a phase and I’m not sure which one I’m in.

I think I’m actually in multiple phases at once. Crazy mind of mine.

 

Thanks for all replies it helps tremendously.

 

Red88

 

Of course. But the point is that they hear Dad's voice and know that he's there, even if just for a few minutes while they run around and play.

[Red88]

So It has been 6 days since I last journaled so i wanted to come back and update it.

 

So when implementing any plan or idea you have to start somewhere then take a leap of faith and put it into action. After you do, you'll have to make changes accordingly due to various reasons. But, that is normal. There will be flaws. After putting my plan of (NC except for email as only means of communication) into action, i came across a few flaws that i've listed below.

 

1- So when doing email only and having my ex blocked i realized that i would have to reach out to her every time i wanted to talk to my kids. This didn't sit well because in the back of mind i knew her routine, and it consisted of her reaching out to me through my kids. Yes she uses my kids as a means of communication with me to sooth her ego which is fine cause i get to talk to my kids.

 

2- Emergency situations. I didn't feel right not have that lifeline in case of an emergency. Heaven forbid.

 

3- Full NC is used by people with no kids. I remain in LC and do not wish to block.

 

 

After my disastrous weekend when i attempted to see my kids while foolishly staying at my ex's/be around her, i have been better and my situation has became clearer and less foggy. I guess in some fashion this apparent failure had a silver lining. Weird. But, that is just how i operate. I truly am one to learn from my mistakes. Ill put my hand in fire just to see if it'll burn. I'm just that stubborn. But when i do learn a lesson i don't forget it and i think when it comes to relationships, for a majority of us, this is true.

 

Our minds/emotions have been jabbed and jaded so bad its almost impossible to make any good decisions regarding the relationship and sometimes in our lives outside of the relationship. This emotional warfare is not something that anyone or anything can prepare you for. Nobody talked or said anything about this warzone growing up. Nobody can or try to prepare you for this trauma. Its impossible for our minds to grasp this concept of "heartbroken". You have to go through it, there's no other way. As a father, i dread the day my kinds find themselves on this battlefield. But, ill be equipped with enough life lessons in this area to be allied in this war.

 

So going forward. I am going to document and map my ex's routines and behavior so i can sit back and look at them logically and to a degree, try to understand them. Actions and behaviors can be examined and conclusions can be drawn, however, there are times when trying to figure out "why" is impossible. Other time its very apparent.

 

As of now I'm in LC, i don't have her blocked on my phone. Here are the rules i've set forth:

 

She texts me - No replying to texts

She calls me - Call will go unanswered. If no voicemail is left indicating why she called...no reply

She EMAILS me - Respond if necessary and if so accordingly. Keeping it as direct and business like as possible.

She FACETIMES me - Answer because its my kids This is the only communication that i want that is visual and verbal.

 

I will be mapping routines and actions in this journal that may give me a broader picture of whats going on without doing basically nothing other than what i've described above. Here we go.

 

Red88

[Red88]

Day-2 (New boundaries)

 

This morning I’m not feeling that bad. Having a few stabbing thoughts here and there but trying to stay in the present moment when I catch myself getting stuck in a loop. So practicing mindfulness. All in all, not to terribly bad.

 

Mapping routine:

Ex texted pictures of my son and daughter last night. No reply. It was nice to see them happy and smiling. I worried about them this past weekend. There Mom stuck them with whoever would take them so she could have her “date weekend”. Pathetic.

 

 

Red88

[Red88]

Day - 3 ( Updated boundaries )

 

Really not a too terrible start to my day. Few thoughts here and there. Nothing I can’t handle.

 

Mapping routines:

FaceTime last night with the kids. She called. I feel much more alive. My 4yr old son got mad at his mom, packed a bag and said I’m headed to dads lol love that boy.

 

I knew that’d she eventually get a call. Don’t know what the motive is quite yet. A.) she’s using it to soothe her ego with me, which I don’t know how that’d be or B.) she genuinely cares about the importance of me seeing and talking to the kids, or C.) both. Regardless...it allows me to have communication with my kids. That’s all that matters to me :)

 

Red88

[Red88]

Day- 5

 

Not to bad this morning. Cannot complain. Of course

miss my kiddos.

 

Mapping routine:

My kids FaceTime me twice during lunch yesterday, I couldn’t answer because I was busy. She then called me again later yesterday. I answered. It was my son. He had just gotten chemo and wanted to see my dogs on FaceTime :) Love them all.

 

Red88

[Red88]

Day 8 NB

 

Things have been going ok since my last entry. Nothing extremely good or bad just meh. We’ll see how today goes.

 

She called me on Saturday

 

Red88