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is it selfish to tell someone that you want to be alone to work on your self over and over again to heal from your previous relationship (the relationship before that) and mental issues? They've been doing it for 4 years they claim they love you and want to be with you. The problem is I need to work on these issues. I also just want to wrap myself up in work hopefully get a second part time job and use my spare time to focus on my kids. Is that selfish? It's not that I don't want to be with the guy. I just don't see how it's possible.

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Are you currently dating? It's unclear why this is going on 4 years and "over and over" if you aren't in some way leading him on. Honesty is the best policy. It's "selfish" to string people along. It's not selfish to be forthcoming and say you can't date/be in a relationship and instead encourage any sort of contact/hanging out while chronically rejecting someone or putting them in the friendzone.

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We never dated just communicated. I don't think I'm leading him on or strung him a long. I really don't like to play mind games and it got seriously out of hand toward the end because he does. It was really frustrating that little bit of immaturity. I guess he was just pushing to see where my head was at and what I really wanted. To see if I genuinely felt the same way for him. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was forthcoming. I remember telling him repeatedly to go away, I need privacy, give me some room to breathe, I just want some space, or I need more time. I want to be a better person. I'm emotionally unavailable. It wasn't that way at first. I was really about giving it a shot. I even chased him. It didn't work out that way on his end. He wasn't ready then. We continued communicating and it just kept going further south. I just don't see how it would be possible to date him or anyone for that matter right now. He helped me realize a lot of things that are wrong with me and I'm seriously in no place to date anyone. I'm so mental, socially awkward, un-trusting, and paranoid.

I've been setting goals and looking more realistically toward the future which I've never really done...I don't think I'll be ready to date for at least a year or two. I just want to be over it and safe in my own bubble again. What's unfortunate is I think he really hates me because I want to spend the time alone to fix myself. It seems my friends and family feel the same way and are kind of upset that I want to spend the majority of my time alone more than I ever have. I really don't see anything wrong with it. I didn't want him to hate me. I don't hate him all. It's out of my hands I guess.

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What does "We never dated just communicated" mean? Have you met in person? He doesn't need a dissertation on your mental health or state of affairs. A simple "i need to focus on myself" and stop communicating after that will do. You are stringing him along if you keep communicating.

 

Yet you haven't blocked him or stop "communicating"?

I remember telling him repeatedly to go away, I need privacy, give me some room to breathe, I just want some space, or I need more time.
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Never dated + him stating "I love you" + you continuing to communicate = you stringing him along

 

Never dated + him stating "I love you" - stop communicating to him = you truly wanting to be alone

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It's not selfish at all. We all have one life to live and if this relationship isn't helping you feel better or you feel you could grow and flourish by focusing on your work and kids right now then that is what you need to do. It's hard to tell someone something like that, however, not telling him is also wasting his time when he could be out finding someone who wants the same things as him right now. I would suggest ending it, focusing on the things you need to and want to, and then in the future you're sure to find someone once you're healed. It's time for you to be happy. -- BigSis

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I think it's finally time to block this guy from your social media and your life. You've never met him, he's wasting your time and energy, he's obviously ruining your mental health, and I think there's something psychologically wrong with him. On ENA we hear about so many people who do nothing but string people along online for years without meeting or committing to the other person. You have to even wonder if the guy is who he says he is or whether this has been an elaborate scam.

 

Block him. Delete him. Move on. And stop socializing online. Many of these people can be in real relationships and they suck people in with their drama.

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