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it's a complicated story and please give me advice


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Long story short: We have been together for two years and a half. I met him when I moved to Bologna, Italy from Seattle. First year in Bologna, second year in Milan since the art school in Bologna never picked up my call (it's normal there). I chose Milan to stay closer to him instead of New York. He has never talked about moving to Milan when I was there, and 1.5 years later, my residential permit was expired, he didn't want to help me and go with the idea of marriage, so I left. Before my departure, he made a promise that he would find a way to move to the States to be with me since he realized he has made a mistake not to help me to stay. I had my doubts, if he didn't even want to move to Milan, why would he move to America, but I tried to believe him--turned out I was right.

 

I have been back for 4 months now and I am in the process of moving to New York. He has finally realized it's impossible to obtain a status here through employment, so we also discussed the option of marriage. Just last week, he said 'I wanted to come to New York to be with you, but I have changed my mind, I am sorry. I still want to stay with you, if you come back to Italy, we can get marry.' I was furious.

He further explained:

1. he has realized it took him 5 years with a lot of struggles to be where he is today, which is a 2000 euro job as an export manager with international business, and if he leaves, it will be very difficult to find a job like that again.

2. He worries about not being able to find a similar job in New York but to work in an italian restaurant.

3. He wants to use his social network to do business in Bologna, but in 2 years

4. he pointed out how I haven't established much in Seattle or in New York, so it's easier to move me around than to ask him to give up what he has achieved.

 

I know two things I can do in italy now, retail job and becoming a housewife. My goal is to stay in New York with a part time job and develop my online tea business for a year or two, then I would like to turn the retail business to wholesale, however, I know I can't do an online business in Italy since the shopping culture is simply different and Italy has one of the most complicated bureaucratic systems in the world. I am resentful towards him and myself now. I can't believe after everything we have been through, he will not even give away a year or two to come out of Italy and support what I would like to do here, temporarily. I would love to move back to Italy one day, but not now. I understand maybe his fear to lose what he has in Bologna is greater than losing me or our relationship, and maybe to some people it's an act of protecting themselves, but is it if he really means it when he says he loves me more than anything? Or maybe we are simply in different places now and different life stage even though we are only 5 years apart. I have been feeling betrayed because of the way he broke his promise, and I have been thinking about break up.

Edited by rainyrainy
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you say he only wants you on "his terms." I think this man is being very practical. In Italy, he has a great job. If he followed you to NY, his only option would be a restaurant (and since he is not a gourmet chef, that would be a menial job) and you don't have an established career where you could carry you both a little since he is losing his career until he qualified for a better job. In Italy, he is the one who is established so if you moved there, it would be okay if you weren't able to work for awhile or a job that was below your your skills, because he could carry you both for awhile. Makes total sense to me. And since you were in Milan for awhile, you might eventually have a chance at a career or being able to fit in there than he would in America. If you go back to Italy, you are saying you can't have an online business because shopping culture is different -- but then how do think he feels about going from export manager to a job he couldn't support himself on? And who says that he will be accepted as a resident of the US anyhow?

 

I think you should accept that because you are from different countries, the chasm is too great. It was a nice romance while you were over there, but your lives are in different directions.

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Have you ever heard of Myers-Briggs personality types? This immediately came to mind. You and your man should take these tests - I think you would find it interesting.

 

I think you are likely a very passionate person who leads with their heart. Love conquers all. Love will find a way. Follow your passions, etc. You are a “feeling” type.

 

He sounds like a more of an analytical “thinking” type.

 

Neither are right or wrong ways to make decisions - they are just different.

 

As a thinking type myself, I have to say that I don’t really understand where you are coming from (no offense). All those things you are talking about - pursuing an art degree, moving to NYC and having a part-time job, starting an online tea business... I just don’t see how any of that will put food on the table. I mean, they all have a vague potential, I guess, but there is really nothing guaranteed about any of it. It’s all very dreamy. His pay check? Guaranteed.

 

Same as the idea of marriage. I think he is looking to make analytical, logic-based decisions. You follow your heart more. Drop everything, it will all work out. Love conquers all.

 

In all honesty, I think you should break up. Not because he’s done anything wrong. I think his actions and not wanting to move make sense from a logic perpective. For what it’s worth, i think your feelings - given the way you see the world - also make sense. But I think you should break up because you both see and interact with the world in such drastically different ways. This will lead to so much conflict down the road. I just don’t see this as compatible. I think you would be better suited to someone who is passionate and feeling like you.

 

I mean... I think you are just incompatible.

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you say he only wants you on "his terms." I think this man is being very practical. In Italy, he has a great job. If he followed you to NY, his only option would be a restaurant (and since he is not a gourmet chef, that would be a menial job) and you don't have an established career where you could carry you both a little since he is losing his career until he qualified for a better job. In Italy, he is the one who is established so if you moved there, it would be okay if you weren't able to work for awhile or a job that was below your your skills, because he could carry you both for awhile. Makes total sense to me. And since you were in Milan for awhile, you might eventually have a chance at a career or being able to fit in there than he would in America. If you go back to Italy, you are saying you can't have an online business because shopping culture is different -- but then how do think he feels about going from export manager to a job he couldn't support himself on? And who says that he will be accepted as a resident of the US anyhow?

 

I think you should accept that because you are from different countries, the chasm is too great. It was a nice romance while you were over there, but your lives are in different directions.

 

Exactly this. You took it the wrong way OP. He is just being practical. I mean you can do more things in Italy career wise than him in NYC. You can have your online business in Italy and bureaucracy is not an insurmountable problem (believe me I know).

 

I think you should both move on.Keep it as a happy memory.

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Thank you for your replies and advice. I will clear a few things up. Back in Italy, he has worked in the international business field for 5 years dealing with customers from Asia to Australia and New Zealand, and prior to that, in England for another year, so his English is fairly good and he is familiar with business English. I doubt he would be only qualified to work in an Italian restaurant in NYC. Secondly, I am a US citizen, so if we get married, he will receive his resident paperwork soon. As for financial ability, I have house that I put on lease in Seattle, which already covers the rent in NY. My online business has already started, and I am in the process of looking for a job in NY, so if he comes here, I can carry both us for a while too. I think I am more like feeling type, but I have moved around a lot, so I have learned to incorporate some logics into the plan instead of just being emotional. He knows all these, yet he still doesn't want to move but wants me to move to Italy and marry him instead, so I don't understand why...

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Thank you for your replies and advice. I will clear a few things up. Back in Italy, he has worked in the international business field for 5 years dealing with customers from Asia to Australia and New Zealand, and prior to that, in England for another year, so his English is fairly good and he is familiar with business English. I doubt he would be only qualified to work in an Italian restaurant in NYC. Secondly, I am a US citizen, so if we get married, he will receive his resident paperwork soon. As for financial ability, I have house that I put on lease in Seattle, which already covers the rent in NY. My online business has already started, and I am in the process of looking for a job in NY, so if he comes here, I can carry both us for a while too. I think I am more like feeling type, but I have moved around a lot, so I have learned to incorporate some logics into the plan instead of just being emotional. He knows all these, yet he still doesn't want to move but wants me to move to Italy and marry him instead, so I don't understand why...

I am not him but if I was in his shoes I would think:

1. He would have to rely on you financially in NYC.

2. Since he is not in the tech field, he has to start from the bottom again.

3. Does he have a degree from a reputable university?

 

The only positive I can think of about moving to NY for his career is that he could open his own business there.

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I am not him but if I was in his shoes I would think:

1. He would have to rely on you financially in NYC.

2. Since he is not in the tech field, he has to start from the bottom again.

3. Does he have a degree from a reputable university?

 

The only positive I can think of about moving to NY for his career is that he could open his own business there.

 

Hi Dias, yes he has a master degree from a very reputable university in Italy, and his fluency in Spanish is mother tongue level. However I guess none of this really matters in the American market and I see your point. I will take what you said into consideration. Thank you.

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Hi Dias, yes he has a master degree from a very reputable university in Italy, and his fluency in Spanish is mother tongue level. However I guess none of this really matters in the American market and I see your point. I will take what you said into consideration. Thank you.

Obviously he is quite qualified. Knowing three languages is always an advantage in every country. I guess the most obvious reason is that he has to start from the bottom.

 

In the end, the reason doesn't really matter. Wrong timing unfortunately. Hope you enjoyed Italy :)

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Thank you for your replies and advice. I will clear a few things up. Back in Italy, he has worked in the international business field for 5 years dealing with customers from Asia to Australia and New Zealand, and prior to that, in England for another year, so his English is fairly good and he is familiar with business English. I doubt he would be only qualified to work in an Italian restaurant in NYC. Secondly, I am a US citizen, so if we get married, he will receive his resident paperwork soon. As for financial ability, I have house that I put on lease in Seattle, which already covers the rent in NY. My online business has already started, and I am in the process of looking for a job in NY, so if he comes here, I can carry both us for a while too. I think I am more like feeling type, but I have moved around a lot, so I have learned to incorporate some logics into the plan instead of just being emotional. He knows all these, yet he still doesn't want to move but wants me to move to Italy and marry him instead, so I don't understand why...

 

Okay - if he comes on a fiance VISA he might not be authorized to work in the United States just because he has one and may have to work under the table at an Italian restaurant that hires people from the old country to help them out. There are other stories on ENA from people that have said that very thing - people who come on fiance VISAs cannot necessarily just go to work.

There sometimes is a long waiting period before you can work on that type of VISA. And you as the sponsoring fiancee would have to have a good enough and stable job where you could prove that you could support the two of you during that time - it could be a year, it could be 5, you just don't know. EVen if he were to illegally take side work - your income would have to look on paper that you could support both of you.

 

You say that you moved around a lot so its not fair for you to move again - but you cannot apply your standards to someone else -- and you have moved with few roots - if you are a college student - that is a fairly nomadic time in one's life. at this point in my life i wouldn't make a radical move but when i was in my 20s - i moved all over the place.

 

If he wants to come on his own merits -- it may take quite awhile for him to get a work VISA -- an employer would have to prove he is a better candidate than any existing legal resident or American citizen.

 

If he comes to the US and things don't work out between the two of you or he can't find work and moves back to Italy, it might not be easy for him to find a similar job after he gave that one up.

 

On the other hand -- if you move to Italy - he has a good enough job where he could support you if you qualify legally to be there - you would no longer be on a student VISA -- until you were able to legally work as an Italian resident. And you already have connections in Italy and are used to the culture so even if you got a part time job, you two would be able to survive just fine because of his income.

 

I know you want to think in movie terms where a guy gives up everything and flies to be by a woman's side, and love will conquer all, but that's not real life.

 

I suggest you consider the relationship a really nice memory and meet an American to fall in love with if you don't picture yourself marrying him or living in Italy.

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Some one needs to compromise and the compromise on either side is larger than the desire to be together.

It's just that simple.

 

You argue that he should love you enough to give up something.

At the same time he thinks if you loved him, you'd compromise.

 

There are no bad guys here. . just bad timing and challenging circumstances.

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Focus on your career and your move. You'll meet new people and someone who wants to be with you. It would be best to realize it's over and he doesn't want to give up everything to immigrate to the US. Marrying for residency is a bad idea either way. He simply does not want to be with you, no less marry you.

he didn't want to help me and go with the idea of marriage, so I left.

He has finally realized it's impossible to obtain a status here through employment, so we also discussed the option of marriage.

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