Is it bad that I picture other women while with my gf in bed sometimes?

[Polly1]

I didn't read all of your posts Ironpony, it feels like to me that your are comparing your current girlfriend to others and she falls short in your eyes. I just don't think this is healthy, and if I was in her shoes right now, I'd be really mortified that you are writing this way on a forum, I hope she never finds out, because that would just be horrendous for her. So it makes me feel that perhaps this is not the right relationship for you.

 

When I'm with someone and everything is good, I just focus on them, and I don't really notice if other men are more attractive, I find them attractive mainly because I'm really into them, but perhaps it's different for males, for instance, I felt like this with my ex, but I don't think he felt like this with me, as he ended up being more attracted to a friend of mine, and it caused a lot of problems, I left that relationship feeling like crap. So it really is toxic, but perhaps this is the reality of how men think.

[ironpony]

Well I'm not sure what to feel about this cause some posters on here, say it's normal to picture others to reach an orgasm, and others say it's unhealthy, perhaps even mortifying to the other person. So not sure now.

[90_hour_sleep]

I dunno...I get the impression that you're pretty fixated on visual aspects of sexuality. Maybe there's an opportunity in there to diversify a bit...expand on your sexual experience. There are so many other sensory delights in this realm. Focussing too heavily on one will often have the unintended consequences of diminishing the others.

 

I find it hard to imagine being with one person and imagining another. Feels off to me. Only my experience though. Sexuality can be a conduit to other aspects of intimacy. Modern culture is somewhat fixated on ''finishing''...when in reality this is depleting for men and often lends a burden of expectation to the experience.

[SherrySher]

Oh heck yes it would be mortifying for your current girlfriend.

 

Everyone has different opinions so it's up to you who's opinion you go with Ironpony. But I still think that something is missing if you have to picture someone else. But then maybe it is true that you have to meet that one person who really does it for you in every way possible.

 

I like Yatsue's take on things too.

 

But I think it really is personal preference.

[Johnny Utah]

I don't think this is good in the long run.

 

Once in a while, sure. I myself never do it. I also don't always finish, but I am ok with that.

 

I would rather much be more in tuned with the woman, her enjoyment, the sounds, the whole process. It's the act itself and not the finish line.

 

You need to connect with your partner, sexually and emotionally. Thinking about somebody all the time will do more harm than good in the long run.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I feel connected to her, it's just the finish where I need extra oomph I feel. I don't have to finish but she really wants me to to finish and really likes it when I do. I am physically attracted to her and have no problem there I don't think, it's just her sexual behavior is much more on the prudish side, so I have to imagine someone I know to be a lot less prudish, if she wants me to climax, or if I want to.

[figureitout23]

Originally Posted by 1tym

I don't know about anyone else but for a guy, i couldn't want to picture anyone else while having sex with my partner. They have to be physically attractive to me, doesn't matter if they are attractive to everyone else at all. I just know what I like in a woman in bed. If I ever approach you that means I am attracted to the person I am approaching and have thought about sex before hand. So while if everything works out and it's great, I would hate to know that the girl I am with in bed is thinking about someone else. Generally I am confidant that they are not though. I do okay in bed, with nice responses.

 

To be honest it sounds like a lot of people are just settling with whoever they can get, probably a source of a lot of relationship problems.

 

 

Sorry, as a female, there's a high chance she's likely thinking of another hot person. If a person is smart, then they will never tell their partner about this. Like I said, it is to get off, and there are those out there who can separate sex like so. It doesn't directly correlate to the health of the relationship.

 

Ummmm, I'm a woman and I've never in my life fantasized during the act, then again sex is not a mechanical act to me. masturbation is a mechanical act, during sex I'm in the moment with the person.Seeing, feeling, hearing the other person being turn on turns me on. I realize everyone is different but I agree with tym, people seem to just settle for any warm hole and dont bother communicating their needs.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, so it seems that a fair amount think it's bad to have to picture other women to orgasm, but does that mean that I should leave my gf? Cause I feel shallow if everything is going good, and the only reason why I leave her, is because she wasn't 100% smoking hot when it comes to sex. I mean I'm not perfect either so why should my penis expect her to be?

[reinventmyself]

it's just her sexual behavior is much more on the prudish side, so I have to imagine someone I know to be a lot less prudish, if she wants me to climax, or if I want to.

 

Is this something that you two can work on? If she is a little on the conservative side, you can try to coax her out a little?

 

I'd be crushed if I knew my man was having to fantasize about someone else, every, single, time.

[ironpony]

Well I tried coaxing her out of it, but she said that she doesn't like me trying to her turn into a bad girl, cause it makes her feel intimated if I think she is prudish. She also said that she is prudish, because of how she grew up, and she had an abusive father, and when I try to coax her, it brings those memories back.

 

So I don't want to do that either, if that's the case, and didn't coax her since she said that.

[yatsue]

Ummmm, I'm a woman and I've never in my life fantasized during the act, then again sex is not a mechanical act to me. masturbation is a mechanical act, during sex I'm in the moment with the person.Seeing, feeling, hearing the other person being turn on turns me on. I realize everyone is different but I agree with tym, people seem to just settle for any warm hole and dont bother communicating their needs.

 

I want to point out there are a lot of women who do think about other attractive men objectively while in a relationship. Just because you are in one, doesn't stop the natural thoughts coming to you if you see someone who strikes your fancy. You may think about them in the moment, a passing glance or thought. Perhaps you remember it later or even fantasize at times, often common with celebrities. You don't be obvious about it or entertain it, but there is still attraction to others, if you like it or not.

 

Denying this is like denying you lie. Everyone lies at some point and everyone fantasizes at some point. To actually picture someone else while in the act of sex, is an ambiguous number but has to be a fair amount. It is similar to polygamous/polyamorous relationships or wathcing porn while it's happening. I don't see much difference, except your partner knowing about it and probably thinking about it too with you.

 

I don't see why people are overthinking this here if the partner in question is attractive to you, you like them as relationship material, and don't want to be with the sexualized person in any way. These three traits are important in determining if this is not a big deal. I see it as ruining a potentially good relationship over something small, if this is the only thing. Everyone has their own boundaries during sex and sex should not be the main focus of a relationship. It doesn't always directly relate to how you feel about a person. It is a form of sexual gratification, which can be expressed in a variety of ways; action and thought. The act of sexual gratification with others is cheating in the context of a relationship, while thinking about it just to get you off is using an image like a tool. It's similar to porn.

 

OP, I wouldn't suggest breaking up just because you feel guilty using your ex as fap material. This issue isn't as black and white as you probably would like it to be because this is the divide between how people can versus cannot separate sex from their feelings. So I would take it with a grain of salt.

[figureitout23]

I want to point out there are a lot of women who do think about other attractive men objectively while in a relationship. Just because you are in one, doesn't stop the natural thoughts coming to you if you see someone who strikes your fancy. You may think about them in the moment, a passing glance or thought. Perhaps you remember it later or even fantasize at times, often common with celebrities. You don't be obvious about it or entertain it, but there is still attraction to others, if you like it or not.

 

Denying this is like denying you lie. Everyone lies at some point and everyone fantasizes at some point. To actually picture someone else while in the act of sex, is an ambiguous number but has to be a fair amount. It is similar to polygamous/polyamorous relationships or wathcing porn while it's happening. I don't see much difference, except your partner knowing about it and probably thinking about it too with you.

 

I don't see why people are overthinking this here if the partner in question is attractive to you, you like them as relationship material, and don't want to be with the sexualized person in any way. These three traits are important in determining if this is not a big deal. I see it as ruining a potentially good relationship over something small, if this is the only thing. Everyone has their own boundaries during sex and sex should not be the main focus of a relationship. It doesn't always directly relate to how you feel about a person. It is a form of sexual gratification, which can be expressed in a variety of ways; action and thought. The act of sexual gratification with others is cheating in the context of a relationship, while thinking about it just to get you off is using an image like a tool. It's similar to porn.

 

OP, I wouldn't suggest breaking up just because you feel guilty using your ex as fap material. This issue isn't as black and white as you probably would like it to be because this is the divide between how people can versus cannot separate sex from their feelings. So I would take it with a grain of salt.

 

I think its you whos overthinking. All I said was I've never done it and if you gotta think of someone 'hotter' I'm going to assume, the dude you're banging must not be that hot, which seems to be the issue the OPer is dealing with, the sexual chemistry is lacking ergo he fantasizes. For me, sexual chemistry is as important as emotional chemistry, if its not there, whats the point? But again, sex is not a mechanical act to me. Fantasizing during masturbation and being present during sexual intercourse, to me, are two separate things, everyone is different though.

 

All this other stuff about lying and being physically attracted to men you see in everyday life and polygamy and porn has nothing to do with the fact that I don't have to think of the milkman while having sex.

 

So when you feel the need to correct someone 'as a female' realize there are women out there who think differently.

[yatsue]

I think its you whos overthinking. All I said was I've never done it and if you gotta think of someone 'hotter' I'm going to assume, the dude you're banging must not be that hot, which seems to be the issue the OPer is dealing with, the sexual chemistry is lacking ergo he fantasizes. For me, sexual chemistry is as important as emotional chemistry, if its not there, whats the point? But again, sex is not a mechanical act to me. Fantasizing during masturbation and being present during sexual intercourse, to me, are two separate things, everyone is different though.

 

All this other stuff about lying and being physically attracted to men you see in everyday life and polygamy and porn has nothing to do with the fact that I don't have to think of the milkman while having sex.

 

So when you feel the need to correct someone 'as a female' realize there are women out there who think differently.

 

I'm just replying to related responses. Not sure how that's overthinking when I said this doesn't need to be a big deal for the OP. You may not need to think of the milkman or whoever, but it is not a bad thing when other people do while the relationship is otherwise good.

 

I made a comparison between the inevitability of lying and attraction to others besides your SO, even if you don't act on it. It is human nature I am referencing, which is the reason I made that statement. Polygamy and porn is in reference to couples who incorporate people or images of people into their sex life. This references the type of people who can compartmentalize sex from their emotions and can maintain good relationships still. These are all comparisons.

 

I think it is a given there are other females who think differently, which is why I stated a proportion. I speak on this side because I am female and interact with enough females who vocalize their thoughts about attraction to others while in a relationship. It is what I have witnessed in real life and how I provide my perspective. Perhaps because I am similar to them, I hear this more.

[HealingLight]

Sounds like the chemistry is lacking if you have to think about other women to climax. 3 months is the honeymoon period, so I think this issue will weigh on you more over time. From what you said, it sounds like being more adventurous is a bit traumatizing to her, too, so while it's possible she'll open up more over time as she gets more comfortable, I wouldn't expect her to.

 

I don't fantasize about other people than the person I'm with/have feelings for, but I recognize that I may be more of an anomaly. I also have to concentrate a lot in order for it to happen, but I use imagery/memories from the person I'm with in order to get there. John Gray had a saying that went something like, "Women generally have to concentrate in order to orgasm, and men generally have to concentrate *not* to orgasm." Yatsue's description of the guy with the straining eyes yanking her head towards his made me laugh.

 

I imagine the occasional fantasizing about other people is normal, but every time in order to orgasm in a new relationship would be upsetting to many if they found out.

[ironpony]

Well I noticed that I am much more into her if I have been drinking with her... could this be that the alcohol lowers inhibitions, and perhaps I shouldn't have those inhibitions in the first place, cause I a naturally over think things and should just learn to relax?

[LightWave93]

Well I noticed that I am much more into her if I have been drinking with her... could this be that the alcohol lowers inhibitions, and perhaps I shouldn't have those inhibitions in the first place, cause I a naturally over think things and should just learn to relax?

 

Yup, sounds like you need to relax more, so avoid love-making when drunk so you get more used to the sober experience.

[ironpony]

Oh I'm use to the sober experience. I only made love to her drunk once so far, and noticed how it was much easier to orgasm without having to think of anyone else. But this was just one time so far, and the rest I was sober, where it was more challenging.

[Matt0050]

Am I the only one who has to think about sport so I'm not so turned on? ;)