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Best friend of 25 years doesn't treat me with respect


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I'm really questioning whether or not to continue this friendship. He's been like my best friend for 25 years. We used to hang out every day. Things started getting different after we bought a house together (his idea). After only living together for 2 years, he suddenly tells me he is going to buy a house with another friend, this guy that he only knew for a few months.

 

So it's been about 10 years since that guy came into his life, and we have still hung out, just not as much. I have noticed over the years that my friend doesn't seem to care what is happening in my life, he NEVER asks how things are going, whenever we hang out he just immediately starts in with telling me about his life. I do talk about my life when I get a chance, but 99% of the time it is a short conversation, if he has anything to say about it at all. Also he will NEVER do anything I suggest, he only wants to do things that he wants to do, even though the things I want to do are things he would do with his roommate when I'm not around.

 

Since we have been friends our entire adult lives (and now we're in our 40's), we know each others parents. My mom is always asking me if he wants a thing she doesn't want anymore, or she sends him birthday and Christmas cards, that kinda thing. But my friend's parents never do the same for me, they DO do this stuff for my friend's roommate though. And I really don't think they are "together" like a couple, I could go into the reasons why I don't think that but it isn't relevant. Even if they were in a relationship, getting into a relationship doesn't make you treat your friends like crap. His roommate and I are friends too, we get along great. So the problem isn't his friend.

 

Recently my friend did something really hurtful to me. We planned 3 camping trips to go on this summer. We both got out our calendars and picked the only dates that worked for both of us. A week later, he informs me that he changed the dates of all the trips, asking me if the new dates would work for me, knowing they wouldn't, because we already looked at our calendars the first time and he knew when I couldn't go! I said no I can't go on the new dates, so I guess I am just not going to be going camping this summer. So he and his roommate are going just them 2. Also, I quit my job 3 weeks ago, and I told him and he just said one word, "Nice!" and he knows I am sitting home doing nothing but he never asks me to hang out. He also sits on FB most of the day but never likes any of my posts, even when something major happens in my life. He should have some interest in my life after 25 years. I am tempted to just stop trying. What do you all think?

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Unfortunately that kind of friendship is a waste of time. I would just end it. I am sorry.

 

Yeah I agree, it just sucks because he is my only friend I've had this long and he does a lot of stuff for me that even my boyfriend won't (fix up things in my house, go with me to talk to the mechanic, etc.) He's just like a brother. Well maybe if I just stop asking him to hang out, eventually he will. but yeah I don't think i'm gonna keep worrying about it.

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Talk to him about this. Tell him you noticed a change and want to know what's up.

 

BUT if this relationship borders on a 'boyfriend replacement' your anger is misplaced because that's not what friends are for.

 

Be honest with yourself.

 

I have a boyfriend, and I don't have feelings for this guy, he's more like a brother to me. I have kinda sorta brought up a few of my issues with him before, in a joking around kind of way, and his response was to joke around right back, like I dont remember what it was we were talking about but I remember his reaction was lighthearted and we both laughed. I think he has a hard time having serious discussions, its wierd even though we have been best friends this long, we don't have serious discussions about each other and our friendship. When we first started being friends though, he wrote me (and 3 of his other friends) letters saying he is only alive because of us. He didnt even wanna talk about that, he told me to read the letter after he went home, he just doesn't want to have face to face talks apparently.

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Don't let time invested keep you in a nothing friendship. Be done with this guy.

 

You should be focusing on a job, not why this guy does not want to hang out.

 

Do you have other friends?

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Don't let time invested keep you in a nothing friendship. Be done with this guy.

 

You should be focusing on a job, not why this guy does not want to hang out.

 

Do you have other friends?

 

I am not trying to find a job right now, I am living off a rather large inheritance for the time being.

 

I have online friends but he is my only "real life" friend. I had another friend for about 20 years but she got married and took on a lot of step kids, so she doesn't have time for friends anymore. I had another friend recently but I let him go because he was super self centered, even more than my best friend. It's easy to let toxic relationships go when you've only had them for a short time. My other friends live too far away to hang out with on a regular basis (we talk on FB all the time though).

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This is just me personally I wouldn't try giving up on a friendship that has lasted 25 years. I think you should open up to him about how you are feeling about yalls relationship. If his a true friend he will understand.

 

You're actually the first person to advise keeping him around! I also posted this on Facebook and literally every single person said "you must have feelings for him" or "you are expecting way too much".

 

I am kinda in the middle, part of me wants to give up and the other part wants to keep it going but I don't like the idea of talking to him because I feel like if I have to ask someone to change, it wasn't genuine change because they wanted to.

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Just sounds like the guy is using you. He wants you to be there for him, but doesn't want to hear any of your problems. You probably need to find more friends.

 

I dont think he uses me for typical things people get used for (money, favors, rides, etc.), but I fill a need for him which I think is justification. Like anything he likes, he practically forces it down my throat until I agree it's a good thing, whether it's music, or a movie, or a place to eat, that's all he does is make people experience the things he likes. he is never open to experiencing anything that other people like.

 

I have been trying to find other friends, but they all live too far away. Still trying though!

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You should open up to him about the change you have noticed. Don't be afraid of looking weak or making yourself vulnerable. I find that it's easiest to be transparent with people you're close with. Maybe he will open up and reveal something that's been bugging him.

 

1. If he mentions such a thing, you can work together to overcome it.

2. If he denies a change in attitude, then you can be confident that he either doesn't care about you and/or can't be bothered making a change.

 

Don't torture your mentality further by avoiding such a conversation. Put it out there and find stability and direction in your life.

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Perhaps it's more than a roommate? Have either of you ever had your own relationships? Unfortunately it sounds like you depend on him way too much, more like a bf. Try expanding your life and friends and try some dating apps to have a more consistent presence in your life like a real bf who'll be there for you in the ways you want.

the things I want to do are things he would do with his roommate when I'm not around.
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It's not a romantic relationship. You can have as many friendships as you want or need. There are no defined parameters to commit to. Frankly, that you'd take offense to his parents not giving you gifts is baffling enough without you feeling so compelled to actually write it out. Buying a house together, expecting gifts from his family, planning multiple weekends to camp together. I mean, the involvement one has with a friend doesn't have to be psuedo-husband or bust. Absent something extreme, I've never understood people "breaking up" with friends. Friendship dynamics very often do change, particularly when they've got unsustainably close boundaries such as yours. Scale back your demands and expectations with him and get more friends to spread out your social needs with.

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I am not trying to find a job right now, I am living off a rather large inheritance for the time being.

 

I have online friends but he is my only "real life" friend. I had another friend for about 20 years but she got married and took on a lot of step kids, so she doesn't have time for friends anymore. I had another friend recently but I let him go because he was super self centered, even more than my best friend. It's easy to let toxic relationships go when you've only had them for a short time. My other friends live too far away to hang out with on a regular basis (we talk on FB all the time though).

 

Why don't you make an effort to make real friends? This is part of the problem. Join Meetups, volunteer, check out clubs (hiking, sports, whatever...) You need to get some real friends, and I would also address the type of people you are attracted to, as they sound quite selfish.

 

It doesn't matter how long the relationship is, this guy does not value you or the friendship.

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You're actually the first person to advise keeping him around! I also posted this on Facebook and literally every single person said "you must have feelings for him" or "you are expecting way too much".

 

I am kinda in the middle, part of me wants to give up and the other part wants to keep it going but I don't like the idea of talking to him because I feel like if I have to ask someone to change, it wasn't genuine change because they wanted to.

 

You posted it on FB? This is quite dramatic.

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Perhaps it's more than a roommate? Have either of you ever had your own relationships? Unfortunately it sounds like you depend on him way too much, more like a bf. Try expanding your life and friends and try some dating apps to have a more consistent presence in your life like a real bf who'll be there for you in the ways you want.

 

I have a boyfriend, I've had 3 boyfriends since we've been friends. I am not using him as a boyfriend replacement, I don't even have feelings for him like that. I just want to keep the friendship because he is/was my best friend and we've been in each others lives for 25 years, actually closer to 30 now since technically we met when we were just entering high school.

 

He has not dated as much as me, that I know of. He is not the marrying kind, he's always put friends first over dating. I remember one time a girl was chasing him super hard and he would ask me to pretend I was his girlfriend so she would stop being so pushy.

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It's not a romantic relationship. You can have as many friendships as you want or need. There are no defined parameters to commit to.

 

I am not saying he can't have other friends. Both of us have always had other friends. That isn't my point at all. I have nothing against his roommate. The issue is entirely that when we hang out, he doesn't respect me or have an interest in how my life is going.

 

Frankly, that you'd take offense to his parents not giving you gifts is baffling enough without you feeling so compelled to actually write it out.

 

I am not concerned with whether or not I get gifts from my friends' parents, lol My point was both of our parents are like another set of parents to each other, we've been more like relatives. My mom still buys him birthday and Christmas cards and always thinks of him when she has something to give away. It makes me feel stupid that my mom is always thinking about my friend and I am not even on his parents' radar anymore. It is like he told them he doesn't hang out with me anymore or something.

 

Buying a house together, planning multiple weekends to camp together. I mean, the involvement one has with a friend doesn't have to be psuedo-husband or bust."

 

It was HIS idea to buy the house with me, and he practically begged me to do it, he had to bring it up at least 5 or 6 times before I agreed. I actually didn't even like living with him. As for the camping trips, this is what friends do together! Most people that go on camping trips do it with their friends. Camping is one of the hobbies me and him have in common, we've been doing it for decades. I don't understand how going camping with people means you're acting like you're married. We go with other friends, not just me and him.

 

Scale back your demands and expectations with him and get more friends to spread out your social needs with.

 

I do have other friends, but only one lives close enough to spend time with, but that friend is even more self centered so I rarely spend time with him, it's energy draining. I have gotten involved in the local music festival community and have acquired at least 200 FB friends because of it, but none of them live close enough to hang out in person. This isn't the problem though. I could have hundreds of friends living right next door to me, they are still only acquaintances that have been in my life for months or maybe 2 years at most. This guy has been my closest friend for almost 30 years. You can't just replace someone that easily who is like family to you.

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Why don't you make an effort to make real friends? This is part of the problem. Join Meetups, volunteer, check out clubs (hiking, sports, whatever...) You need to get some real friends, and I would also address the type of people you are attracted to, as they sound quite selfish.

 

I wouldn't say I am attracted to selfish people, most people just ARE selfish. This other guy who lives close I met him off FB and we talked for a year before meeting in person, he didnt seem self centered then. And I have actually been a member of Meetup for about 10 years now, I just live in an isolated town far away from big cities and I am NOT a city person, I can't stand driving in them and they stress me out. Around where I live all people wanna do is hang out in bars and get drunk or sit around and watch tv or movies. I don't fit in with 99% of society, that is why it's always been hard for me to make friends. That is also why me and my best friend have stayed friends so long because he is the same way. He actually doesn't have many friends either, he is always with his roommate or me. He has another friend that he's known his entire life (even longer than me) but she is married so they don't hang out as much anymore.

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I wouldn't say I am attracted to selfish people, most people just ARE selfish. This other guy who lives close I met him off FB and we talked for a year before meeting in person, he didnt seem self centered then. And I have actually been a member of Meetup for about 10 years now, I just live in an isolated town far away from big cities and I am NOT a city person, I can't stand driving in them and they stress me out. Around where I live all people wanna do is hang out in bars and get drunk or sit around and watch tv or movies. I don't fit in with 99% of society, that is why it's always been hard for me to make friends. That is also why me and my best friend have stayed friends so long because he is the same way. He actually doesn't have many friends either, he is always with his roommate or me. He has another friend that he's known his entire life (even longer than me) but she is married so they don't hang out as much anymore.

 

NOPE! Most people are not selfish, it is who you choose for your social circle. This is the problem.

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NOPE! Most people are not selfish, it is who you choose for your social circle. This is the problem.

 

I know we choose our social circle, but remember everyone is on their best behavior when meeting new people. People don't show their true colors until after you've already established a friendship. Or they change and become selfish (like my friend) after many many years. And it's funny whenever I ask for advice about self centered friends, most people say they have the same problem.

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I know we choose our social circle, but remember everyone is on their best behavior when meeting new people. People don't show their true colors until after you've already established a friendship. Or they change and become selfish (like my friend) after many many years. And it's funny whenever I ask for advice about self centered friends, most people say they have the same problem.

 

I don't. I watch for red flags. I also do not tolerate gossip. The signs are there, as people cannot hide their characters so easily.

 

Get out and volunteer. This is how I have met many people.

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