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Hello! I would really appreciate everyone’s opinion at the moment.

I have been with my partner over a year now, I’m a quiet person who really enjoys to spend time in the countryside, Hiking, exploring.. Would never change that for Pubs or any party. My partner is quite similar, he had his fun when younger, but seems to enjoy our quiet weekends so far.

I have had a few problems with 2 of his friends, when we got together.. His friend and Girlfriend made sure to arrange a dinner with my partners sister.. just to say that he found just a foreigner waitress.. And was getting her (me) to move in with him! That caused many problems at the time.. For a long time his sister has never trusted me.

It started to get better only now.. After she had spent some time with us.

After that, i have never trusted those people, they like to talk and judge people.. And i avoid that at all cost!

They live just next door, and i have been invited several times to have girls night out in Leeds, i have refused it all.. As I suffer quite a lot with anxiety and avoid crowded places.

I have suggested ist a night as Everyone together.. But she was not happy with it, she says i must enjoy nights out without my partner. I don’t understand why tho!

My partner has asked if I would marry him.. i love him.. And i said yes! We agreed with a small ceremony.. But everything has gone out of control already! He transformed a small ceremony in a big expensive one.. which I don’t want to!

His friend (our neighbors) has mentioned if i need his Citizenship, I felt that it was Very offensive, as I don’t even needa visa to live in UK!

We went over to their house couple days ago and he started to talk about his speech on the wedding day.. It was terrible for me!!

He started to mention how my partner used to Chase girls at the pub.. Past relationships details.. and all their drinking adventures!

After that, i did mention to my partner that i have had enough from them...

but he doesn’t seem to understand ! As he doesn’t understand about a simple wedding also! I feel trapped!! They want to go out this weekend and have been putting pressure on me for it, we already had plans to do one of the three peaks tho. And I really don’t feel like going to center and drink until late :(

Am i not normal? I feel really bad.. As if i am stopping him from having fun!

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These people should accept that you are different to them and don't enjoy the things they like to do. You should not feel obligated to join them and I think they are being quite disrespectful. I would have been unhappy to hear tales like that too - insensitive and unnecessary. Can't you speak to your partner so that he can have a quiet word with his friends? Who cares whether they like it or not. You're marrying him, not them.

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Unfortunately you came into his already made life as a foreigner and attached yourself quickly, moving in quickly, acting like a wife/housekeeper right away. You can't sever his long standing ties to friends or family. That you are quiet and introverted is fine, however you also need to accept that he is outgoing and social. As far as the ceremony, does he know more people than you? Who is paying for everything? Have you mentioned that a huge over-the-top wedding etc is not what you prefer? Perhaps it's time for you to learn to speak up more clearly and stop being so subservient then being resentful. Who cares that his friends want a girls night out? If they invite you and you're not interested, don't go. There seems to be a lot of cultural and personality misunderstandings. You definitely need premarital counseling to sort all these things out. Including communication, finances, kids, household responsibilities, friends/family and so on.

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"His friend and Girlfriend made sure to arrange a dinner with my partners sister.. just to say that he found just a foreigner waitress.. "

This makes no sense?

 

I agree. You should do things outside of your partner, it simply does not have to be with them. It is unhealthy to make your partner your entire world. You should have your own interests.

 

You need to learn to speak up. This is also your wedding, and if you want something small, then work something out.

 

The comment about your citizenship was rude. Can you move?

 

The wedding speech is not about YOU. The best man can say what he wants.

 

Open your mouth and stop allowing people to walk all over you. You are setting a terrible dynamic for your future,

Edited by Hollyj
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@Holly: I think that Op means her boyfriends male friend and the male friends girlfriend had dinner with her boyfriends sister and they said to the sister that the Op was just a " foreigner waitress.. " which caused ill feelings between them all for a while.

 

@Op: From what you write I'd say that it's fine if you are an introvert but you can't expect your partner to be one as well just because you are. He clearly enjoys your trekking dates but he also wants to keep the friendships he had before he met you and that means that he needs to nurture that friendship so it doesn't fade. If you love him and want to marry one another then you should sit down and work out a compromise about doing things with his friends occasionally and let go of expecting him to only be with you. He will want you to accompany him doing things with his friends so try and make the best of it by letting go of your negativity towards them.

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How about doing a pro / con list to put things in perspective?

 

The fact that both of you enjoy hiking, exploring and quiet weekends is great. Still, I feel you need to figure out if his lifestyle and values truly mesh with yours. For example, you desiring to have a small wedding and him desiring to splurge on a big wedding shows some discrepancies in financial matters. There are other matters such as, say, children. Do you both want any? If so, how many? How would you raise them? Private or public school?

 

Also, whilst you don't have to be friends with his mates or family, it is wise to get along.

 

I wish you both the very best!

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@Holly: I think that Op means her boyfriends male friend and the male friends girlfriend had dinner with her boyfriends sister and they said to the sister that the Op was just a " foreigner waitress.. " which caused ill feelings between them all for a while.

 

@Op: From what you write I'd say that it's fine if you are an introvert but you can't expect your partner to be one as well just because you are. He clearly enjoys your trekking dates but he also wants to keep the friendships he had before he met you and that means that he needs to nurture that friendship so it doesn't fade. If you love him and want to marry one another then you should sit down and work out a compromise about doing things with his friends occasionally and let go of expecting him to only be with you. He will want you to accompany him doing things with his friends so try and make the best of it by letting go of your negativity towards them.

 

Thank you for the explanation.

 

Giulia, do you have any of your own friends?

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