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Gf is really stressed out and it’s threatening our relationship


vmaypa
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My girlfriend opened up to me a few days ago and told me that she was really stressed out because she’s going to have to find a place of her own with her 3 year old daughter. Basically what’s happening is that the aunt she lives with is giving up her rent and moving to Washington. Aside from all this, she’s been really stressed to the point where she’s kinda distant, which I understand, and she has even made a threat about breaking up in September because I explained about moving in together in a way that she didn’t like, which we’ve talked about in the past and she was okay with. It’s stressing me out and making me worried about her ending the relationship in some way. What can I do? I also hate it when girls threaten to end the relationship in someway. It makes me feel like they’re not serious and is making me want to keep my options open and possibly start talking to other girls if she’s threatening me while being stressed out.

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It sounds like she wants you to fix this problem, but it's honestly not your problem. I'm saying this as someone who was a single parent for many years. If you're not ready to move in with her, don't do it. It sounds like she needs to step up and find a place to live and you should in no way rush moving in with her just to "save" her. If she's threatening to end the relationship over it, then so be it. You'll spare yourself a huge problem.

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So she's facing a hard time that she's admitted is very stressful for her, she's brought up potentially ending the relationship (which tells me the relationship contributes to her stress), and your reaction is to worry about keeping your options open just in case?? And she has a 3 year old??

 

I can tell you right now, with this mind set, you will not make it as a couple, or as a family. You shouldn't be discussing living together, involving yourself with her 3 year old, if you still have the little seed in your mind saying "keep my options open". Relationships are hard. Being a parent is hard. Learning how to live on your own is hard. Either you're committed to learning these things together, or you're not. And you're clearly not.

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It sounds like she wants you to fix this problem, but it's honestly not your problem. I'm saying this as someone who was a single parent for many years. If you're not ready to move in with her, don't do it. It sounds like she needs to step up and find a place to live and you should in no way rush moving in with her just to "save" her. If she's threatening to end the relationship over it, then so be it. You'll spare yourself a huge problem.

 

I agree with this. If you weren’t together she would have to find a way. What are your conditions for living together that she doesn’t like?

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It sounds like she wants you to fix this problem, but it's honestly not your problem. I'm saying this as someone who was a single parent for many years. If you're not ready to move in with her, don't do it. It sounds like she needs to step up and find a place to live and you should in no way rush moving in with her just to "save" her. If she's threatening to end the relationship over it, then so be it. You'll spare yourself a huge problem.

 

Yes. I want to add while it's nice to offer to help, it shouldn't be expected. If she is only stressed and she tosses out half hearted potential break ups, then she is not dealing with stress in a healthy way. If she needs time to herself for a bit in order to figure her stuff out and de-stress, then that is her right. Although, to threaten a break up is concerning.

 

It is also not right to keep your options open while you're still in a committed relationship, despite her threat. At least talk to her to explain you want to date others and not cheat first. There needs to be better, more healthy ways of communicating in this relationship. Again, talk to her about this in a mature fashion. No blaming, accusations, just a non-confrontational talk.

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Your initial post was difficult to understand. Does she want to live with you or not? I interpreted it as you wanting to live with her and she not wanting to in the past, but other posters read it the opposite way.

 

Regardless of the above, however, the fact that you are responding to relationship stress by considering pursuing other women tells me that YOU are not serious about HER. It's abusive and wrong to threaten ending a relationship with someone in order to elicit a certain response, but its equally abusive and wrong to start cheating because you feel she may leave you. It sounds like the two of you have a lot of issues that would need to be worked out before living together as a family unit would be feasible.

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I basically asked her if she wanted to move in together after I graduated school in December from Nursing school and she said not until you put a ring on it. lol... I already knew that, that was the option I wanted to do in the proper way, but only suggested it if she was still having difficulties living on her own. And when she said, “only if you put a ring on it,” I basically said, “why?” but didn’t explain why I said why with her current situation. So she apparently didn’t like why I said “why,” which led to her suggesting to end in September.

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Ah, so she wants to be married before upping the commitment level. It's an old-fashioned view, but it is her right to have it. It doesn't sound like the two of you are ready for marriage though. Do you intend to eventually make that commitment to her?

 

I think it shows her maturity level that she would threaten to end the relationship because you weren't offering to propose to her right when she wanted. An adult conversation about when that commitment should happen is needed here. However, if the two of you don't line up on marriage, it's a reasonable deal breaker.

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Ah, so she wants to be married before upping the commitment level. It's an old-fashioned view, but it is her right to have it. It doesn't sound like the two of you are ready for marriage though. Do you intend to eventually make that commitment to her?

 

I think it shows her maturity level that she would threaten to end the relationship because you weren't offering to propose to her right when she wanted. An adult conversation about when that commitment should happen is needed here. However, if the two of you don't line up on marriage, it's a reasonable deal breaker.

 

Just as a tidbit, I took a course in college that stated cohabitation during a relationship is statistically more successful while having the intent to marry, instead of not.

 

While it may be old fashion, it is a good reason to postpone cohabitation until marriage or engagement. So to answer your question OP, about why she wants marriage first, this is a good reason why.

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It’s stressing me out and making me worried about her ending the relationship in some way.

 

I think she's trying to manipulate you into proposing to her with the threat that it's a ring or nothing. Is she manipulative in other ways in the relationship? Are there a lot of fights and arguments?

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Yes. I want to add while it's nice to offer to help, it shouldn't be expected. If she is only stressed and she tosses out half hearted potential break ups, then she is not dealing with stress in a healthy way. If she needs time to herself for a bit in order to figure her stuff out and de-stress, then that is her right. Although, to threaten a break up is concerning.

 

It is also not right to keep your options open while you're still in a committed relationship, despite her threat. At least talk to her to explain you want to date others and not cheat first. There needs to be better, more healthy ways of communicating in this relationship. Again, talk to her about this in a mature fashion. No blaming, accusations, just a non-confrontational talk.

 

Your initial post was difficult to understand. Does she want to live with you or not? I interpreted it as you wanting to live with her and she not wanting to in the past, but other posters read it the opposite way.

 

Regardless of the above, however, the fact that you are responding to relationship stress by considering pursuing other women tells me that YOU are not serious about HER. It's abusive and wrong to threaten ending a relationship with someone in order to elicit a certain response, but its equally abusive and wrong to start cheating because you feel she may leave you. It sounds like the two of you have a lot of issues that would need to be worked out before living together as a family unit would be feasible.

 

Ah, so she wants to be married before upping the commitment level. It's an old-fashioned view, but it is her right to have it. It doesn't sound like the two of you are ready for marriage though. Do you intend to eventually make that commitment to her?

 

I think it shows her maturity level that she would threaten to end the relationship because you weren't offering to propose to her right when she wanted. An adult conversation about when that commitment should happen is needed here. However, if the two of you don't line up on marriage, it's a reasonable deal breaker.

 

I think she's trying to manipulate you into proposing to her with the threat that it's a ring or nothing. Is she manipulative in other ways in the relationship? Are there a lot of fights and arguments?

 

All of those are spot on.

 

This relationship does not sound healthy or on a good foundation for one. You both seem really young too.

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Oh dear god I have to disagree....you NEED to live together first. Some people just can't get along living together, so why invest in getting married to find out you make each other miserable, and you are not actually compatible when it comes to finances, and planning. Marriage is a huge step, and you should be ready for it not only financially, but emotionally too.

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I'm seeing a lot of people here assume that your girlfriend threatened to break up with you. I didn't get that feeling. I got the impression that she brought it up as a possible solution that's crossed her mind, due to her feeling overwhelmed. There is a HUGE difference here. But regardless, you both have made it known to each other that walking away IS an option. So because of that, I think you need to sh*t or get off the pot. She's got a three year old, she doesn't have time to waste with guys who may stay or may go. She needs a man who's going to commit to a family unconditionally.

 

And also, Smackie is right. People who say "the first year of marriage is the hardest" are dead wrong. That would've been true a generation or two ago. But the truth is, the first year of living together is the hardest. That's when you find out if you can be with someone long term.

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no arguments or fights so far and we’ve been dating for a little over 7 months. She’s just overwhelmed and she actually apologized today and admitted that she was overwhelmed. I just brought up the idea of living together because of her situation, but before all of this happened I did mention moving in after I graduate school and become a nurse. The reason why she said she wanted me to marry her before we moved in was because she wanted to make sure I was committed to really being with her, as her past relationships proved otherwise. She also wanted me to marry her before we lived together because she didn’t want her daughter to think it was okay to have someone live with them without being married and she wanted her daughter to grow up with someone who is a stable and committed father figure... lol so that’s why...

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Well, 7 months isn't a very long time to be considering marriage. If she's demanding a marriage commitment before moving in, I would pump the breaks and get past at least the first year. A lot changes in relationships over time.

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Oh dear god I have to disagree....you NEED to live together first. Some people just can't get along living together, so why invest in getting married to find out you make each other miserable, and you are not actually compatible when it comes to finances, and planning. Marriage is a huge step, and you should be ready for it not only financially, but emotionally too.

 

Exactly the reasons why I live with my boyfriend, not being married. I only agreed to live with him because I have the intent to marry him some day. It doesn't mean I'm getting married soon or right when we cohabitate. He is a person who has the qualities I see in a marriage partner and I made sure to take the decision seriously before moving in together.

 

Some people move in with their partner for other reasons besides intending to marry, such as a better financial or living situation. Other reasons besides the intent, keyword intent, to marry indicate a decreased relationship success rate. Why? Because considering a candidate for marriage includes a multitude of prerequisits, instead of just settling for superficial reasons.

 

The intent makes it last with a partner you believe is compatible enough. Otherwise, if you live together with a partner you think is incompatible, then living together will greatly exaggerate this, leading to a high chance of a relationship break up, moreso than remaining to live apart.

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