Jump to content
'

Really messed up past/situation... but I want it to work. What should I do?


medic2342
 Share

Recommended Posts

I met this woman on Tinder. We rushed into things very quickly in a few ways ;). I basically started living at her place right off the bat. After like 5 days she said she loved me while she was drunk. I responded I like her a lot too. She made me amazing food, we had really fun sex where we experimented with things we both are into but haven't done much, adventured in nature, everything in dating. However, there were red flags. She has this crazy ex who she has his dog. He guilt trips her about the dog and threatens to take the dog. She wants the dog as a companion to her dog. They were together 4 years by the way. So I comforted her and assured her she's keeping the dog. She was legitimately scared of him, she said he hit her once. The other red flag is she has a drinking problem. She has been an alcoholic for probably 5+ years. She told me the reason why she drinks is because she doesn't feel bad about eating when she's drunk. She definitely has low self esteem issues even though she is reeaally hot, like damn, how'd I snag this girl?! I played it cool until she said we should date. She didn't want to make it Fb official though...

 

Fast forward a bit. She's communicating with her ex still. Seems like she is trying to keep the peace with him so she can keep the dog. Fast forward some more, they are communicating often. She tells me about how she can't get him out of her head. This is probably month 3 by then. Maybe late month 2. As time progressed she would get really drunk and then I'm not sure if she'd call him or he would but she would profess her love for him and how much she missed him. Background: their relationship ended when he pulled away from her drinking and so she felt lonely and cheated on him. He now guilt trips her and says how he had these plans to marry her. Anyways, she did this ed up on Valentines day as well. She had no composure about this stuff when she drinks. She'd treat me like crap during those times too. Somehow, we always made up. She'd say how she was stupid when she sobers up, that she wants to be with me, etc. Also, I'm not the first/only rebound since the broke up. She kinda slept around and dated a few guys for 6 months before meeting me.

 

Fast forward to now, about 7 months later. She uber'd drunk to his house when she got invited over while I was with her at her house. It didn't go well for her and when she got back I left so that didn't go well for her also. The next day she apologized and said things were finally over, she seemed fed up, like he was stringing her along. I got the feeling they'd get close via texting and whenever she went to see him it went bad, then she'd come running back to me. Anyways, my last straw for was a few days after that "last straw of hers". I brought her to her first ren faire. When we got home she begged to drink. I was getting tired of her resenting me by saying no. I gave her the bottle I confiscated from a while ago. I drank with her but eventually stopped, I told her I'd like her to stop too but she didn't. I went to lye down for a while. Started wondering what she was doing. I go out and she's on the porch drunk crying on the ground professing her love and apologizing to her ex. I grabbed my stuff and left. I ghosted her for about 3 days while she begged for me back. She called me 31 times in two hours one night. I ended up, basically, telling her that I'm fed up with the head games and she can hit me up in a couple months if she figures out her as far as her ex and her drinking.

 

8 days of me loosing my mind go by. Is she bettering herself? If so for me or him? Is she seeing someone else to replace me as she pines for her ex? So that night I go to her house. She's home. I knock on the door. She's shocked I'm there. She's sober. I'm allowed in. She asks why I'm there. I told her I've been thinking and it wasn't until that day that I started thinking hey, I love you and you're an addict, so I should have said no to you drinking. She then said she still has intentions with her ex. I said I know. She let the dogs in, they love me by now and I missed them so much so I gave them attention. She then wanted attention. She was all over me. She told me how much she loves the way I hold her and pet her, all my loving attention, she doesn't get that from her ex. He's much more distant. She misses that when I'm not there or when she's with him. When she's with me she misses how he is more masculine/confident and in a better place (I have a degree but a lame job outside of what I studied [though pretty damn good pay for what it is], terrible with grammer/spelling, a gun owner, and still officially living at home with my mom and I'm 29 [she never asked me to move in]). We talked about other stuff like my nature trips I went on in the mountains while not talking to her and whatnot. The whole her throwing her all over me also got reciprocated back to her. We agreed not to have sex though. She wants to be friends. I told her that her ex would never let her see me. She agreed. I explained that by being long distance friends she's getting the worst of me (bad grammer/spelling which really bugs her because she's a grammer nazi) and that our friendship would just dwindle away. I told her to please not text me anymore (as she was when I was giving her radio silence) because it's messing with my head. She agreed. After more talking I invited her over the next three days since I'd have the house to myself since my mom is camping, she could see the horse whom she loves to ride, and we could bbq. She said maybe. She eventually said she needs to go to bed. Maybe 2 mins after I left she texted that she was super wet, that she doesn't know how I always do that to her, and that she was glad we got to say goodbye. Talking escalated into her saying things like she wants to try anal with me and also her wear this leather harness I ordered but didn't come till I stopped talking to her. She said maybe we can work something out (as far as sleeping together I'm guessing).

 

So, by now you're probably like ?! Why didn't you leave after like week one?! Truuuuuuue. I don't know. You heard a lot of REALLY bad. It's hard to explain the good. I've been with a lot of women, probably not as much as players, but this girl is "different" type of deal. Things are so weird. I would have left a hell of a lot longer ago if it was someone else. Y'all probably think I'm an idiot, rightfully so. I'm loyal to my feelings and heart though, I'm loyal to her though I shouldn't, and I'm not fed up yet I guess.

 

So here's the scoop. She likes my kinky/erotic sex and aftercare, face (he's fugly), holding hands in public, shopping together, and things like letting her lay on me. She likes I wake up early, that I've gotten into running with her, she is stupid for my mom's horse, she likes that I'll cook for her (though hers is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy better). What he has is ownership of the dog she's obsessed with keeping, 4 year relationship (comfort/security/know's he'll kiss her ass when she does ed up things

drunk), guilt tripping her for cheating/ending a marriage to be, masculine (though he seems overly aggressive to me, also I actually have done car work for her while he says go to a shop lol), taller, flatter stomach, higher paying job, lives on his own in a nicer place than hers, nicer car, and apparently he's the life of the party type of guy.

 

I've already been job searching, working out, trying to talk to other women (though that's going nowhere), and saving more money for a down payment for a house. I'm doing the typical better yourself stuff. That all takes time. Now, if your first response is "dude, run for the hills", please come up with something else that's more inline with my goal of getting her back/long run. I understand I should but I'm not going to leave, yet. So, what can I do more immediately? I'm afraid to ghost or radio silence again because when I came over last night she said that it was just starting to get easier for her. That tells me if I don't try then she'll forget about me while pining over her ex. If I stay in the picture then she stays conflicted, partially wanting me but him a little more. What do I do to change that balance in my favor? I'm so frustrated that at first he was all hostile to her, then he finds out we're dating, he changes his tune, they start being all friendly, then rekindling things. ing bull home breaker, where was my chance?! Sorry, venting. But yes, pleeeeeeease give me some golden advice to win her for good!

Edited by medic2342
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Holy cow.

From what you've shared her only redeeming quality is she's hot and likes kinky sex.

That's it.

She's a hot mess, headtripping alcoholic who uses you as a security blanket while she waits for her bf to take her back. He bytheway believes her deserves better.

Sorry. Can't or won't give you advice on 'winning' her back

My conscience would bother me

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ya, sometimes I wonder if it's only surface (being hot and great sex). Idk, I've always gotten bored with fwb things and it just seems like it's more than that. Like I want to have a ranch with her and ride horses together and garden and all these things her ex isn't interested in, and it seems like her long term goals better align with me than him so it's like what the hell?

 

She admitted to me last night that she is working on being alone, that she wants to love me for me and not for comfort of being with me or for how loved and appreciated I make her feel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

it seems like her long term goals better align with me than him so it's like what the hell?

.

 

^^^ according to you.

You may think you are the better choice but it's what she wants that determines the outcome here.

Besides alcoholics aren't thinking straight to begin with.

 

She isn't going to make good choices until she gets sober and she isn't going to get sober until she is good and ready. . on her terms, at her own time.

 

No hiding the bottle and drinking along side of her is going to change that.

You ought to read up on addicts. I don't think you have any idea what you are up against.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

True. Just seems like her long term goal is getting him. She's been trying to get over him for a year. I just think that if/when she gets with him in a commitment she's going to be somewhat regretful eventually. Her two loves are art and horses. He could care less about horses and I just assume everyone loves art. That and he's so busy with work that they can only see eachother maybe once a week and he's in no rush to jump into things with her. So it's like, what, see eachother once a week until you can move in together? She'll be living in a dense city because of his profession while I'm going to have my own ranch one day because of my studies and determination.

 

As for her drinking, I'm assuming she's going to piss him off. I got her to stop drinking for 23 days, that's the most she's done in 4 years. She said she did that on her own choosing but I provided a lot of encouraging. Her ex used that to guilt trip her that she's doing that for me and not for him when they were together for years.Right now she's on day 7 and she was telling me how she plans on drinking on her days off. So, the drinking is still there in the background and I know she will get bad again and when it does it'll be her ex having to deal with her, again, I guess. So, in some ways I see I'll maybe win in the long run even if she runs off to her ex. Maybe she'll show up later in my life with no drama and not be a piece of person and be the person she should be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

True. Just seems like her long term goal is getting him. She's been trying to get over him for a year. I just think that if/when she gets with him in a commitment she's going to be somewhat regretful eventually. Her two loves are art and horses. He could care less about horses and I just assume everyone loves art. That and he's so busy with work that they can only see eachother maybe once a week and he's in no rush to jump into things with her. So it's like, what, see eachother once a week until you can move in together? She'll be living in a dense city because of his profession while I'm going to have my own ranch one day because of my studies and determination. That and

All of this is not your problem and out of your hands.

It makes me wonder what is it you get out of this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, in some ways I see I'll maybe win in the long run even if she runs off to her ex. Maybe she'll show up later in my life with no drama and not be a piece of person and be the person she should be.

 

Her attraction to you is based on codependency, addiction and neediness.

If she were to get her life straight the entire dynamic between you two would change and you would no longer serve a purpose.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I lived with her for 6-7 months, I love her (the good her) and I know she has a lot of potential, it's hard having feelings for her, it's confusing, but they're there.

 

I guess she is attracted to the fact that I'm there for her, but also she could get a new guy in a heartbeat to swoon after her. I think she is confused and wonders if she's codependent for me, I think she is somewhat, but I also think she loves me. She's just in a drunken, self loathing, ex fantasy daze/stupor I feel like.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know what you're getting with her, despite your attempts at denial.

 

You cannot possibly be surprised when she continues to bounce back and forth between you and him.

 

And unless you're a certified addiction professional, you cannot "get" her to stop drinking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ya. Sometimes I wish she'd get a 3rd DUI or something. Her parents wont try to force her, they say have her choose on her own. Idk. She knows she has a big problem but she keeps coming up with excuses not to go to a professional, even though I told her about my best friend's wife's story of getting help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...