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Hi all.

 

So it has been 3 weeks since I've contacted my ex, and he hasn't reached out in these past 3 weeks.

I am used to not talking to him by now; however, I do not feel myself healing. I am sad he hasn't reached out. I know why I am not healing, it is due to me checking his FB page every day. I see him flirt with others, I see him make posts about when he will be in a relationship, I see him happy and joking. That makes it easier for me to not initiate a convo with him because I think "oh well, he's happy without me, so why should I contact him" but I am not moving on.

It hurts that he use to flirt on social media while with me anyway, so his profile on FB is no different now than it was before when he was with me....he acted single before, and it's the same now.

 

I don't want to get back with him, it was not good for me due to it being on an off for 4 years, but again I wasn't the one who ended it, I wanted it to work out...but because it ended for the millionth time I don't want it back. I loved him, so it hurts that he hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks. It hurts he didn't miss me.

 

So anyway, how do I stop checking his page? I keep blocking and unblocking him when I get curious. I need to move on for good. And why do I still worry who he's talking to? Why do I get sad at the thought that he will find someone soon? Why do I worry he will forget me?

 

Ah, I feel a bit weak...I think it's because 3 weeks is the longest we've gone without talking to each other.

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Part of the reason you are finding it hard to move on is because it was cyclical relationship. You're pretty used to these breakups with him not being permanent, so it's hard to really let it go, even if you want to let it go now just to make it end. A metric that I have been using is to expect 2-3 months per year of the relationship, plus another 2 months for the initial shock. Every time you have contact, it does set you back a little on that time frame (the more meaningful and plentiful the contact, the more it would set you back), so don't feel bad if you're still dealing with the breakup in this manner at this point (though do keep your mind focused on moving forward in your recovery).

 

One note that might make it easier for you to keep no contact is to realize that he may be acting this way on social media to at least partially get to you. Most of a person's actions have a cornucopia of motivations, and the thoughts of what you might think while he posts stuff likely cross his mind and partially (perhaps subconsciously) contribute to his posts/actions. He might be happy without you, but he's probably hurting in some ways as basically everyone does after a relationship ends. You can't really know, and it's probably not something you should learn about for a while still.

 

He will not forget you. He will go through periods for the rest of his life where he returns to thinking about you, or stops thinking about you, as you likely will for him (it may be 1 day on, 5 years off in many years, such as by possibly hearing an old song your ex liked). If he finds someone soon, and/or if he continues to mask his feelings with validation from women or flirting (which he might be doing), then it's probably not going to be some fantasy relationship. It's not really your business and doesn't really affect you, but don't let the idea of "him finding happiness with someone else" get to you too much or make you think negatively about yourself.

 

As for not checking his social media.. really, it just takes discipline and commitment. You'll gain more of that as time goes on, as has been made obvious by the fact that you are at the longest you've been without being in contact with him and by the fact that you've been stopping yourself from reaching out when you do get urges. Over time, you will get more strength and it will get easier, so just keep at it, during the hard times and in spite of whatever setbacks you may face, and you will eventually find yourself not caring much.

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Three weeks is still an extremely short time in the NC world. You need months for you to heal and get over him.

 

For starters, block and delete him from everything...including your phone. And stop checking his Facebook page. After doing this, you are still going to require more time to heal. NC is painful, but it is the only weapon you have in the arsenal as a dumpee. Everything else will make you look weak.

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You know, it's just using sheer willpower not to look at his social media. You're not going to heal if you keep reading it He's probably not as happy as he looks. You just have to keep on moving forward.

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Part of the reason you are finding it hard to move on is because it was cyclical relationship. You're pretty used to these breakups with him not being permanent, so it's hard to really let it go, even if you want to let it go now just to make it end. A metric that I have been using is to expect 2-3 months per year of the relationship, plus another 2 months for the initial shock. Every time you have contact, it does set you back a little on that time frame (the more meaningful and plentiful the contact, the more it would set you back), so don't feel bad if you're still dealing with the breakup in this manner at this point (though do keep your mind focused on moving forward in your recovery).

 

One note that might make it easier for you to keep no contact is to realize that he may be acting this way on social media to at least partially get to you. Most of a person's actions have a cornucopia of motivations, and the thoughts of what you might think while he posts stuff likely cross his mind and partially (perhaps subconsciously) contribute to his posts/actions. He might be happy without you, but he's probably hurting in some ways as basically everyone does after a relationship ends. You can't really know, and it's probably not something you should learn about for a while still.

 

He will not forget you. He will go through periods for the rest of his life where he returns to thinking about you, or stops thinking about you, as you likely will for him (it may be 1 day on, 5 years off in many years, such as by possibly hearing an old song your ex liked). If he finds someone soon, and/or if he continues to mask his feelings with validation from women or flirting (which he might be doing), then it's probably not going to be some fantasy relationship. It's not really your business and doesn't really affect you, but don't let the idea of "him finding happiness with someone else" get to you too much or make you think negatively about yourself.

 

As for not checking his social media.. really, it just takes discipline and commitment. You'll gain more of that as time goes on, as has been made obvious by the fact that you are at the longest you've been without being in contact with him and by the fact that you've been stopping yourself from reaching out when you do get urges. Over time, you will get more strength and it will get easier, so just keep at it, during the hard times and in spite of whatever setbacks you may face, and you will eventually find yourself not caring much.

 

 

Thank you for this...I needed to read that. You are right, I am used to these break-ups not being permanent, but the last breakup actually lasted 10 months...so at some point, I have accepted it and I was finally moving on (or at least I thought I was). Now I am faced with the same problem, and I am only 3 weeks in when it comes to NC. It's kind of hard. One day I feel strong, and the next so weak. Tired of this roller coaster.

 

I do not think that the way he acts on social media is to get to me...because he's the one who left, why would he want to keep hurting me? Nothing to get back at me for. The day he left he said he doesn't want me to be sad and that he loves me more than anything. He knows I did not want it to end. That's why I do truly believe he is happy now...even though, you are right, he always seemed happy on social media during every break up we had before he came back.

 

I know it takes discipline to not check his social media, I tend to always give in in the end. It's what stops me from contacting him usually. But I'll try to commit to my promise to not check his page again, it's really hard, but I have to do it for me.

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Three weeks is still an extremely short time in the NC world. You need months for you to heal and get over him.

 

For starters, block and delete him from everything...including your phone. And stop checking his Facebook page. After doing this, you are still going to require more time to heal. NC is painful, but it is the only weapon you have in the arsenal as a dumpee. Everything else will make you look weak.

 

We aren't friends on any social media, but since his FB profile is public, it's so easy to check and see what he is up to. I block him, and then unblock him when I get curious...it's not good, I know.

 

But I officially just blocked him now, and hopefully I will keep it up. And you are right, I know anything else will make me look weak....that's why I avoid messaging him.

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I unfriended my ex wife the day she filed for divorce.... found out she added her affair partner the same day as friend which crushed me big time but i haven't re added and only reactivated my fb profile due to friends asking me to, I haven't checked her profile in a while as i only go on now and then...

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Remind yourself unblocking him and looking at his page is no different to shoving your hand in a fire. It's going to hurt. There's no conceivable way that it won't hurt and won't hinder your recovery.

 

Write a list of 50 things to do instead (book that drs appt you've been putting off, learn to draw sonic the hedgehog, call your mate, binge watch west world, repair those bags with holes in them.....the great and the trivial, but tasks that are relevant to you). Every time you want to check do something off the list instead. Keep doing the you things instead of checking his page.

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