birdiesword Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 My partner of almost two years went radio silent on me about three weeks ago. No goodbyes, no explanations, just *poof* gone. I only had confirmation from his family, with whom I got very close, in the form of e-mails saying "Sorry it didn't work out." I'm confused. I put so much time, energy, money, emotion into this only to feel unceremoniously thrown away. Abandonment is a huge thing for me so it's been hard to process, hard to grieve as I have no explanation why, and even tougher to take care of myself. I know things were getting bad, it started out 50/50 time wise. Then he started to only give me 40% so I overcompensated with 60% ... it kept getting less and less. He had less time for me, he had less patience with me, had less of everything to give. At one point I told him I was starving emotionally because he just wouldn't give me anything. But I had no designs on just leaving him. I was willing to do counseling, I was willing to put in the time and work it out. I don't understand why this is happening. I gave him so much of me. He would constantly say, "Well if you would just ___ maybe the relationship would be better." and I DID over and over. I wore the clothes he wanted, I did the kind of jobs he thought were acceptable, I bought a new car to fit more into the lifestyle his family wanted for us. Why wasn't it enough? Why am I never enough? I am not some non-self aware individual. I don't want this to be an ex bashing because I still care for him so deeply. I thought maybe he was talking to someone else towards the end and possibly cemented something with them and that's why he just ... shut down? I don't know. I am so confused and I want to know what I can do to heal, grieve, and be better. I am going to counseling, apart of a support group, and my friends are great. But this agony is just... so much. I woke up this morning in my beautiful home, I am healthy, rested... but I woke up today and just sobbed in my bed. I don't want to feel this way anymore and it just doesn't make sense in my brain. I feel like if it made sense or there was some closure I would be able to heal properly... I am just crying all over my keyboard. Link to comment
1a1a Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 Read the book He's Scared She's Scared, it might bring you some solace. And don't cut off bits of you to try and fit into an ever small box for someone again (A. that isn't love and you shouldn't have to and B. you have your own personal anecdata now that they still won't stay). I'm so sorry you have had your heart smashed, I went through something similar, be kind to yourself, be patient, keep going with the therapy. Link to comment
DanZee Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 Hey, calm down here. None of this had to do with you. These are all your boyfriend's hang ups. I'm going to take a leap here and guess that he was controlling and manipulative. That he was emotionally abusing you. That you could never do enough to please him. Rather than loving the person you are, he was just trying to break you down, and destroy your confidence and your self-esteem. And when he had had succeeded, he was no longer interested in you. You should not be shedding any tears over this guy. He used you and pulled your strings like a puppet. He was never in love with you. And you were emotionally dependent on him, not really in love with him. You should be angry, not heartbroken. You need to start rebuilding yourself. Get up and go out. Walk around in the sun. Hang out with friends and family. Go out to parties, events, movies and concerts. Listen to upbeat music. Dress yourself the way you want to dress. Erase this guy from your life! You will heal faster when you realize what was really happening in your relationship. Link to comment
SGH Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 Anyone who ends a two year relationship by ghosting you is a piece of crap. End story. I'm sorry he did that to you. I'm sure it left you with many questions, but I can assure you, his reasoning is garbage anyway. In time, when you've healed some, you will find the appropriate anger and realize that he was the one who needed to change for the relationship to function. It sounds like you have people pleasing qualities, which makes you ripe for the type of guy that criticizes, blames, and then looks for a replacement while he's still with you. My suggestion would be to do some serious work on your self-esteem and see a professional if you are willing. You need to figure out why you stayed with a person who didn't want you as you were for so long, and why you were so willing to absorb the blame for the relationship not working. As a final note, stay no contact please. Don't reach out and let him know how much you're hurting. It will absolutely be an ego stroke for a jerk like this. If he reaches out, remember that he left you without even offering a proper conversation. Take solace in the fact that you KNOW you can do better than him! Good luck. Link to comment
DoneWithU Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 I almost would have preferred she disappeared to having my ex dump me replace me and then torment me. Would have been easier if she was just gone. Link to comment
T99 Posted June 9, 2018 Share Posted June 9, 2018 Just disappearing is dreadful behaviour - hold on - in time you will come to realise what sort of person can do that - as hard as it must feel now. Take care. Link to comment
birdiesword Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 Read the book He's Scared She's Scared, it might bring you some solace. And don't cut off bits of you to try and fit into an ever small box for someone again (A. that isn't love and you shouldn't have to and B. you have your own personal anecdata now that they still won't stay). I'm so sorry you have had your heart smashed, I went through something similar, be kind to yourself, be patient, keep going with the therapy. Thank you for the sweet words, taking the time out of your day to share is incredible. I will look up that book. Link to comment
birdiesword Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I am overwhelmed by the responses, thank you so much for the words. Its really hard to see this from the outside because I am so deep into it. Your perspective helps. Thank you again for taking the time to respond! Link to comment
birdiesword Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I almost would have preferred she disappeared to having my ex dump me replace me and then torment me. Would have been easier if she was just gone. I never looked at it from that perspective. I am sorry that happened to you. A lot of people seem to date and have relationships with their ego at the wheel. I notice the push and pull is just someone trying to stroke their ego, unfortunately sometimes they do it at the expense of someone else's feelings and time. I hope you are healing and taking care of yourself. It really is hard to make sense of it all... Link to comment
birdiesword Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 Anyone who ends a two year relationship by ghosting you is a piece of crap. End story. I'm sorry he did that to you. I'm sure it left you with many questions, but I can assure you, his reasoning is garbage anyway. In time, when you've healed some, you will find the appropriate anger and realize that he was the one who needed to change for the relationship to function. It sounds like you have people pleasing qualities, which makes you ripe for the type of guy that criticizes, blames, and then looks for a replacement while he's still with you. My suggestion would be to do some serious work on your self-esteem and see a professional if you are willing. You need to figure out why you stayed with a person who didn't want you as you were for so long, and why you were so willing to absorb the blame for the relationship not working. As a final note, stay no contact please. Don't reach out and let him know how much you're hurting. It will absolutely be an ego stroke for a jerk like this. If he reaches out, remember that he left you without even offering a proper conversation. Take solace in the fact that you KNOW you can do better than him! Good luck. Many of your observations were 100% dead on. I do have some serious work to do on myself. I agree with the sentiment that I need to look at myself and ask why I let all this happen on my watch. He definitely saw someone who was weak and broken. When I consider what was going on in my life when he met me I'm like, "Who would go for that?" but now I know. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Link to comment
birdiesword Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 Hey, calm down here. None of this had to do with you. These are all your boyfriend's hang ups. I'm going to take a leap here and guess that he was controlling and manipulative. That he was emotionally abusing you. That you could never do enough to please him. Rather than loving the person you are, he was just trying to break you down, and destroy your confidence and your self-esteem. And when he had had succeeded, he was no longer interested in you. You should not be shedding any tears over this guy. He used you and pulled your strings like a puppet. He was never in love with you. And you were emotionally dependent on him, not really in love with him. You should be angry, not heartbroken. You need to start rebuilding yourself. Get up and go out. Walk around in the sun. Hang out with friends and family. Go out to parties, events, movies and concerts. Listen to upbeat music. Dress yourself the way you want to dress. Erase this guy from your life! You will heal faster when you realize what was really happening in your relationship. It's confusing, though, isn't it? Why we accept garbage for love. I still don't understand why I would let this go on for so long. He was a master at letting me drift away only to pull me in at the last minute. Next time around I will look at the family of the person I am dating, especially if they are close, I have a feeling that will tell me a lot about how they process. Link to comment
bobbyfisch Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 He sounds like a typical cluster B, research it! Link to comment
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