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Struggling with trust issues


brooke000
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Hey guys! I’m new here, this is my first post, so I’m sorry if it’s too long. I would love it if you could help me with some problems I’m having with my boyfriend.

 

I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for a little over a year now, but I can’t trust him. It’s not that I’m jealous and insecure, but he has done things in the past that make it almost impossible for me to trust him.

 

Insident 1:We were together for one month at the time, and it was his birthday. A few weeks later, I find out that his ex-girlfriend texted him happy birthday. By ex-girlfriend I mean his summer fling from 3 years ago, but he claims she was his first love and from what he told me they haven’t kept in touch. I asked to see the texts and basically the reason he was hiding the texts from me was that he told her and I quote “I’d love for us to meet over the summer ❤️❤️“.

 

Insident 2: A few months later he tells me that he texted a girl friend of his from school. I asked to see the texts and after one hour of me insisting, he showed them to me. At first the chat was pretty standard and then came the “I’m going to miss you more than anyone else❤️“.

 

I just find it so hard to trust him. I’m a jealous person in general and I as soon as I managed to gain some trust for him he did those things and destroyed everything.

 

Anyone who has ever been in a relationship can agree that you can tell when someone is not that interested from little things they do and that’s exactly what it was like for me back then. Even though now it’s nothing like that, I still feel like I can’t trust him.

 

At the time he probably gave me some lame excuse, but now he has admitted that what he did was wrong and he told me that he changed. It’s hard for me to believe that, even though I do see change, I always have doubts in my mind.

 

I know that my jealousy won’t help with anything and it will just make things worse, but I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to him about it? Should I try to work on my issues by myself? I would love for you to give me advice and just talk about this!

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You and your BF are not compatible. You need someone that doesn't play these games. The jealousy and trust issues might calm down if you end up in a healthy relationship, but if they don't, you might sabotage later relationships due to the jealousy and trust issues you currently have.

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You and your BF are not compatible. You need someone that doesn't play these games. The jealousy and trust issues might calm down if you end up in a healthy relationship, but if they don't, you might sabotage later relationships due to the jealousy and trust issues you currently have.

 

When it comes to compatibility, our personalities and interests are really close and all our friends tell us all the time that we’re very compatible. The thing is that my lack of trust is sabotaging the relationship I’m currently in. For example, he’ll go out with his friends and I’ll probably stay up all night thinking and stressing over what he’s

doing till he comes back home and texts me.

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Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like he's the right boy for you. This is scary behavior and indicates that you should break up and work on attachment and possessiveness issues. No do not discuss it with him. He's not your therapist and this is your issue, not his. When you start feeling/acting like a prison warden, it's time to call it quits.

I asked to see the texts and after one hour of me insisting, he showed them to me.
Edited by Wiseman2
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I don't think those things are so bad. what's your ages.

 

And had nothing to do with compatible IMO.

 

Do you feel he would cheat on you if given the chance?

 

I’m 18 and he’s 19. I feel like he wouldn’t cheat on me, but I don’t know about flirting which is also something that bothers me.

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Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like he's the right boy for you. This is scary behavior and indicates that you should break up and work on attachment and possessiveness issues. No do not discuss it with him. He's not your therapist and this is your issue, not his. When you start feelingacting like a prison warden, it's time to call it quits.

 

Thinking back on it I think I should have broken up with him then, not that I regret our relationship by any means, but now I think that breaking up with him for something he did a year ago is uncalled for. If something like that ever happens again I’ll definitely break up.

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First of all what he did is not acceptable in my eyes.

 

I can understand your frustration there.

 

But you demanding to see the messages is a huge red flag. If he was a friend of mine I would have advise him to dump you based on the insecure jealousy issues.

 

I don't necessarily see you two as being incompatible with personality, it just seems like neither of you two are in a place to be in a serious relationship, especially with each other.

 

Your insecurity will sabotage any good relationship you are in. But being with a guy like him is just going to compound your insecurities.

 

The longer you stay with someone who stokes your insecurity, because frankly, your insecure for legitimate reasons, the harder it will be to even know what a healthy relationship is like.

 

My wife had some insecurity issues when we got together. Luckily I am/was a great person for her because I give her nothing to be insecure about. But even still, it was an internal issue she has had to work on for awhile, and that was being with the most loyal guy I know. (lol)

 

You insecurities sound very justified. I just feel like you handled them in ways that promotes your insecurity instead of removing it.

 

Do not ever make demands of your partner. Do not make them show you their phone or snoop. If you are in a relationship that is so lacking of trust then you need to end that relationship.

 

Otherwise you are going to feed your insecurity and become entitled to what you think is your right in a relationship.

 

If this happens, no guy worth his salt with want to be in a relationship with you.

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First of all what he did is not acceptable in my eyes.

 

I can understand your frustration there.

 

But you demanding to see the messages is a huge red flag. If he was a friend of mine I would have advise him to dump you based on the insecure jealousy issues.

 

I don't necessarily see you two as being incompatible with personality, it just seems like neither of you two are in a place to be in a serious relationship, especially with each other.

 

Your insecurity will sabotage any good relationship you are in. But being with a guy like him is just going to compound your insecurities.

 

The longer you stay with someone who stokes your insecurity, because frankly, your insecure for legitimate reasons, the harder it will be to even know what a healthy relationship is like.

 

My wife had some insecurity issues when we got together. Luckily I am/was a great person for her because I give her nothing to be insecure about. But even still, it was an internal issue she has had to work on for awhile, and that was being with the most loyal guy I know. (lol)

 

You insecurities sound very justified. I just feel like you handled them in ways that promotes your insecurity instead of removing it.

 

Do not ever make demands of your partner. Do not make them show you their phone or snoop. If you are in a relationship that is so lacking of trust then you need to end that relationship.

 

Otherwise you are going to feed your insecurity and become entitled to what you think is your right in a relationship.

 

If this happens, no guy worth his salt with want to be in a relationship with you.

 

Wow, that really puts things in perspective. I never thought about it this way. I still believe that if he had nothing to hide he would have shown it to me without me having to ask for it. That’s why I wanted to see it in the first place. Anyway, thanks a lot for your help!

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First of all what he did is not acceptable in my eyes.

 

I can understand your frustration there.

 

But you demanding to see the messages is a huge red flag. If he was a friend of mine I would have advise him to dump you based on the insecure jealousy issues.

 

I don't necessarily see you two as being incompatible with personality, it just seems like neither of you two are in a place to be in a serious relationship, especially with each other.

 

Your insecurity will sabotage any good relationship you are in. But being with a guy like him is just going to compound your insecurities.

 

The longer you stay with someone who stokes your insecurity, because frankly, your insecure for legitimate reasons, the harder it will be to even know what a healthy relationship is like.

 

My wife had some insecurity issues when we got together. Luckily I am/was a great person for her because I give her nothing to be insecure about. But even still, it was an internal issue she has had to work on for awhile, and that was being with the most loyal guy I know. (lol)

 

You insecurities sound very justified. I just feel like you handled them in ways that promotes your insecurity instead of removing it.

 

Do not ever make demands of your partner. Do not make them show you their phone or snoop. If you are in a relationship that is so lacking of trust then you need to end that relationship.

 

Otherwise you are going to feed your insecurity and become entitled to what you think is your right in a relationship.

 

If this happens, no guy worth his salt with want to be in a relationship with you.

 

How do you think I should have handled the situation?

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How do you think I should have handled the situation?
The first time I would have either ended it or reestablished boundaries with a "next time we are done".

 

Then I would end it if it happened again.

 

There is nothing you can do to make someone do what you want. You can only control your actions.

 

By staying with someone who treats you this way you are telling them it is acceptable behavior.

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It sounds more like this relationship meant more to you than it did to him because he's not acting like you mean that much to him, you know?

 

Not recognizing this dynamic keeps you in insecurity/jealousy mode.

 

When you're doing more of the trying to keep your relationship together than they are, then they've already checked out of it on a fundamental level and are keeping you around for convenience and laziness' sake.

 

Here's the thing though: why do you insist upon being in a relationship with someone you cannot trust? When you look in the mirror, do you like the person you have to become in order to keep this guy?

 

I mean, even though you two get along famously doesn't mean that he wants to build a future with you. It could mean he's just marking time with you because you're willing to be there until someone else more to his liking comes along.

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  • 7 months later...

Secretly install a tracker on his phone. Where theres smoke theres fire. Note this is illegal but my god its satisfying. If you dont have his password gift him a new phone with the tracker already installed.

100% chance after a month you will know how awful he his and have no regrets about ending it.

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How do you think I should have handled the situation?

 

You walk away.

 

When there is no trust, regardless of whether or not he is fueling your distrust, you have NOTHING.

 

I mean seriously, how can you have a relationship with a man you don't trust, and why would you want to?

 

Again, regardless of whether he is doing anything to fuel it.

 

Walk away and work on you, your jealousy, insecurity and trust issues, otherwise you will have a very difficult time attracting and maintaining a good positive healthy relationship with any man.

 

Learn from this.

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Secretly install a tracker on his phone. Where theres smoke theres fire. Note this is illegal but my god its satisfying. If you dont have his password gift him a new phone with the tracker already installed.

100% chance after a month you will know how awful he his and have no regrets about ending it.

 

Shes 18. Thats absurd. you were obviously burned... but they are just young.

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Insident 1:We were together for one month at the time, and it was his birthday. A few weeks later, I find out that his ex-girlfriend texted him happy birthday. By ex-girlfriend I mean his summer fling from 3 years ago, but he claims she was his first love and from what he told me they haven’t kept in touch. I asked to see the texts and basically the reason he was hiding the texts from me was that he told her and I quote “I’d love for us to meet over the summer ❤️❤️“.

 

You were only dating one month, were you exclusive? How did you find out? I am assuming you didn't snoop since you asked to see the texts, so if HE told you (which I am guessing is what happened), and then proceeds to hide the texts, then yes he's playing games, and after only one month, I may have dumped him for that.

 

 

Insident 2: A few months later he tells me that he texted a girl friend of his from school. I asked to see the texts and after one hour of me insisting, he showed them to me. At first the chat was pretty standard and then came the “I’m going to miss you more than anyone else❤️“.

 

Why the he** is he telling you these things? I mean what's his point? Is he consciously trying to get you jealous? I mean by telling you, of course he knows you are going to question and ask to see them, so it's like he wanted you to see that he texted her “I’m going to miss you more than anyone else❤️“.

 

I would be seriously questioning all of this, nevermind the trust issue, he sounds very manipulative and almost like he wants to keep you off balance, jealous and doubting.

 

Otherwise, why mention any of it?

 

Personally I would get rid.

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