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I've concluded that I've been the rebound guy. What now?


ArchieAnon
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I started going on dates with this girl a month after her boyfriend of 4 years broke up with her. She said she was not ready for a relationship, but she still became crazy about me for a while. Then she became distant all of a sudden. I guess it's because she's realized she can have fun with her girlfriends and do things she never did while dating, and I've been placed on the back-burner. She's been hot and cold with me, but recently she has been more cold.

 

She still expresses interest in seeing me, and I've been still trying to set up times for us to meet. But she clearly doesn't feel the same anymore though; At least, that's what it seems like to me. Should I talk to her directly about it and seek closure with her? Or should I just leave things be? I'll see her again once college starts back in August, if we do not arrange to meet before then. Our foundation is a strong friendship, and I want to preserve that if possible, you know? I don't want things to be weird between us.

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You learned the ever important rule of not dating anyone who is fresh out of a relationship the hard way. How could she be emotionally available for a serious commitment when she just finished a 4 year relationship? Everyone needs time to heal and some time to breathe after a relationship ends.

 

While I personally don't approve of rebounding, as often people get hurt, she is entitled to back away if she wishes. I suggest you do the same. If she comes back around in the future, apologizing for her behavior and asking for a second chance and you're still interested, go for it.

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Well, she did tell you she's not ready for a relationship. Her distant behaviour supports that.

 

I don't think there's much to talk about, really. You knew she wasn't looking for a boyfriend at this time. I am not sure what more you want to know, unless you want to hear it from her that she's not over her ex yet.

 

Friendship might be possible again someday down the line, after your feelings for her have faded.

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No. You never should have dated her. She is not ready.

 

Save you dignity and move on. She like the attention she gets, and that's it.

 

Next time, do not get involved with someone directly out of a relationship.

 

I would hold off on the friendship, until your feelings have faded. Tell her this. You will only feel angry and rejected that she cannot reciprocate.

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Archie,

 

The girls are a bit black and white.... and some things are grey, but what you have to realize is you were the band aid. Now that you have been there, you can't just revert to being friends, unless you have zero interest in reconciling.

 

So yes, back off. But don't write her off. Tell her you understand, if she changes her mind, give you a call. You'll see how it goes.

 

Then don't initiate any communication with her.

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Should I talk to her directly about it and seek closure with her? Or should I just leave things be? I'll see her again once college starts back in August, if we do not arrange to meet before then. Our foundation is a strong friendship, and I want to preserve that if possible, you know? I don't want things to be weird between us.

 

I wouldn't talk to her directly about it. She clearly wants distance from the situation.

 

Probably the best thing for you would be to back way off and pretend like the whole thing didn't happen. Don't even push to resume the friendship because she'll sense your ulterior motives like you were banging a drum and waving a flag. Let go.

 

Seriously, think about your other friendships: don't they wax and wane to some extent? Do you chase after your guy friends to "save" the friendship, or do you just let things play out and trust that you will pick things up where you left off?

 

Things are going to be weird between you for a little while, no matter what. At least on your side. But if you are truly interested in maintaining the friendship, it will straighten itself out just like friendships always do.

 

In the meantime, shelve those hidden agendas because she is not interested. If you keep pushing, you will chase her off altogether.

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Thank you for your responses. Yeah I’ve learned my lesson. I guess it just gave me hope that after she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship, she wanted to continue seeing me, and at one point we were contacting or spending time with each other every day. She even went to meet my parents and discussed making future vacation plans with me during the summer. I guess I’ve been played.

 

Last time I saw her was a few days ago. I told her maybe next week I could come visit her town. I may just leave things be and not follow up on that. I feel sad that she doesn’t feel the same anymore or perhaps never felt for me in the first place, but I know I shouldn’t have to wonder if someone cares about me anymore. Going no contact for a while will help me to see if she cares enough to reach out even, right?

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I guess I’ve been played.

 

 

I don't think she did this on purpose, she fell into it, she realized it was wrong, she bailed.

 

Give her space and time. If she is really interested she'll come back to you. If not, be strong, find someone better.

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Im in the same boat as you my friend. My thread is here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=551030

 

I’ve had literally ALL the same thoughts as you, even up to this morning and I can tell you that these people on this forum are going to give you the best advice they can based on their experiences. Some will give it to you raw and some will fluff and coat it for you to make it seem nicer but the bottom line is they’re telling us what we need to hear. Wishing you the best of luck. Going through this right now isn’t easy. Wishing you the best.

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Thank you for your responses. Yeah I’ve learned my lesson. I guess it just gave me hope that after she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship, she wanted to continue seeing me, and at one point we were contacting or spending time with each other every day. She even went to meet my parents and discussed making future vacation plans with me during the summer. I guess I’ve been played.

 

Last time I saw her was a few days ago. I told her maybe next week I could come visit her town. I may just leave things be and not follow up on that. I feel sad that she doesn’t feel the same anymore or perhaps never felt for me in the first place, but I know I shouldn’t have to wonder if someone cares about me anymore. Going no contact for a while will help me to see if she cares enough to reach out even, right?

 

You are not getting it. She is not ready for a relationship. Period. She probably needs at least six months to recover from her relationship.

 

Just go NC, and check in with her next year.

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I guess it just gave me hope that after she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship, she wanted to continue seeing me, and at one point we were contacting or spending time with each other every day. She even went to meet my parents and discussed making future vacation plans with me during the summer. I guess I’ve been played.

 

She didn't play you. She thought that you understood and believed her when she said that she didn't want a relationship. But then she probably noticed that you were catching feelings for her. So, she pulled back and stopped doing the things that you were misinterpreting.

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I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t understand why some of you are describing it as if this is entirely my fault. I’m the one who’s been interacting with her, so I don’t know how some of you can say that I was the only one to blame for all this (if I’m misunderstanding your points, please correct me).

 

Sure she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and yes, I should’ve not pursued her after she just came out of a LTR. But I’m telling you all that she showed immense amount of interest after saying that. She wanted to meet my parents. She wanted to hold hands. She wanted to make vacation plans as just the two of us. She wanted to spend time with me every day and contact me every day.

 

I’m just offended that some of the replies (if I’ve understood them correctly) seem to have just assumed that I’ve been the one "not getting it," or that I've been misinterpreting. Believe me, I get the idea, and I'm telling you I received plenty of mixed signals from her, so I think it's perfectly reasonable for me to have thought or felt the things I did. I realize I made mistakes. And I’m learning from them now, the hard way. But I’m telling you that she was telling me one thing and acting in a different way. So, in my opinion, I think there’s been mistakes made on both sides, from myself and her.

 

I appreciate your replies and advice, but I just wanted to say this. I mean no offense, just speaking my mind. Believe me, I have a pretty good idea of what all went on.

Edited by ArchieAnon
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Sometimes you say mistakes were made on both sides. But then you also say she played you, which means that she intentionally mislead you. Maybe you haven't figured it out yourself.

 

I see what you mean, you make a good point. I think it was in a moment of frustration while thinking about the situation that I accused her of playing me. I don't normally assume that (in fact I think that was the first I have ever put the blame on her in that way), but you all couldn't have possibly known that. So I apologize for coming across that way. I don't blame her, I think we were just both misled by our thoughts and feelings. Thanks for your reply :).

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I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t understand why some of you are describing it as if this is entirely my fault. I’m the one who’s been interacting with her, so I don’t know how some of you can say that I was the only one to blame for all this (if I’m misunderstanding your points, please correct me).

 

Sure she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and yes, I should’ve not pursued her after she just came out of a LTR. But I’m telling you all that she showed immense amount of interest after saying that. She wanted to meet my parents. She wanted to hold hands. She wanted to make vacation plans as just the two of us. She wanted to spend time with me every day and contact me every day.

 

I’m just offended that some of the replies (if I’ve understood them correctly) seem to have just assumed that I’ve been the one "not getting it," or that I've been misinterpreting. Believe me, I get the idea, and I'm telling you I received plenty of mixed signals from her, so I think it's perfectly reasonable for me to have thought or felt the things I did. I realize I made mistakes. And I’m learning from them now, the hard way. But I’m telling you that she was telling me one thing and acting in a different way. So, in my opinion, I think there’s been mistakes made on both sides, from myself and her.

 

I appreciate your replies and advice, but I just wanted to say this. I mean no offense, just speaking my mind. Believe me, I have a pretty good idea of what all went on.

 

It does not matter what she showed you. She told you that she did not want a relationship. You did not listen. This is on you!

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I am going to assume this may be the first time you've experienced the receiving end as the rebound guy, so next time, pay attention to the details and the flags, because it'll save you some effort and time.

 

No one is going to rush to get in to a serious relationship right after a LTR unless they have already emotionally invested in another person while they were in a LTR.

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Sure she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and yes, I should’ve not pursued her after she just came out of a LTR. But I’m telling you all that she showed immense amount of interest after saying that. She wanted to meet my parents. She wanted to hold hands. She wanted to make vacation plans as just the two of us. She wanted to spend time with me every day and contact me every day.

 

I think the above is where both you and she tripped up. She shouldn't have been telling you she wanted to meet you parents and holiday together after telling you she wasn't ready for a relationship. That is indeed on her.

 

Your unwitting error was mistaking those proclamations as signs she had changed her mind, rather than signs she was on the rebound. It's typical for rebounding folks to try to (sometimes subconsciously) recreate the relationship they had with their exes with the new love interest, in an attempt to fill the void. It's a misguided way of bringing comfort and a reminder of the life they once had. The problem arises when they realize it's just not the same and they're not ready to let someone else in to their hearts.

 

I don't think this is all your fault, so to speak. Both you and she contributed to this - her by being inconsistent, and you by not having the tools to recognize a rebound situation.

 

I am not sure it's fair to say she played you, necessarily, as that suggests she intentionally misled you. My guess is that she thought she was ready, wanted to be ready, but came to realize she just wasn't.

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I see what you mean, you make a good point. I think it was in a moment of frustration while thinking about the situation that I accused her of playing me. I don't normally assume that (in fact I think that was the first I have ever put the blame on her in that way), but you all couldn't have possibly known that. So I apologize for coming across that way. I don't blame her, I think we were just both misled by our thoughts and feelings. Thanks for your reply :).

 

It's totally understandable.

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She's acting like a normal college kid home for the summer having a good time. No don't say anything. That would definitely make it "weird". She's supposed to have fun with her friends, not be tethered to a long distance situation.

I'll see her again once college starts back in August, if we do not arrange to meet before then. Our foundation is a strong friendship, and I want to preserve that if possible, you know?
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I guess I’ve been played.

 

Really? How does casting yourself as a victim position you to grow more confident in your own judgment as you move forward?

 

Research rebounding. Recognize that setting yourself up as a temporary band aid only buys you an eventual speech about what a terrific person you are, but I really should have taken more time after my breakup to learn how to live solo.

 

If YOU choose to walk into that, that's not 'being played,' it's signing up for the outcome.

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Ok I’d like to formally apologize for accusing her of playing me. I don’t actually believe that; in fact I’ve been much harder on myself throughout this whole ordeal. I’ve never put the blame on her in that way because I know this is a confusing time in her life. I’m not sure why I wrote that she was playing me. I guess I was just frustrated with the situation. But I’m saying here and now that I was wrong to assume that even for a moment.

 

As I stated earlier, I think she and I were both misled by our thoughts and feelings. Our feelings made us think and act in ways that ultimately caused this unfortunate situation. I have hope that our friendship, at least, will survive in the long run because we’d never let this get between us or cause hard feelings.

 

So far I’ve backed off and gone NC as many of you have suggested. The last time I saw her (on Saturday), I went to a party she invited me to, and she allowed me to sleep over at her place with some friends. So I almost feel that I owe her in some way. Should I still stay NC despite this feeling?

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Yes, stay NC. Like I said before, we are both going through almost the same exact situation at the same time. There’s really nothing for us to say now. We knew what they wanted and didn’t want but we still signed up for something thinking we could be a hero.. but that’s just not how healing works. Saying anything after they’ve distanced themselves is just us trying to still fix something that we aren’t capable of repairing. You feel like you owe her, but you just want a reason to talk to her and it’s understandable because I have 100 reasons I want to text the girl I’m having my situation with. You just can’t tho. It’s what’s best for her and for you.

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What is the status of your relationship? Are you exclusive? How long have you been dating? Have you had sex? Unfortunately it sounds like anxiety is building things up in your mind.

Our foundation is a strong friendship, and I want to preserve that if possible.
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