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Am I Unreasonable?


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The question I have involves a situation in my relationship that has made me feel very uncomfortable. I wonder if I am being unreasonable, or justified in feeling my relationship has been disrespected. I am a 46 year old male in a committed relationship. Last weekend my girlfriend went to a bar with a girl friend of hers. The girlfriend left earlier than my girlfriend. My girlfriend stuck around because she knew a few people there. She was hanging out with a guy who is a mutual friend of ours. While at this bar, she noticed that someone was checking her out. In conversation with our mutual friend, he bets my girlfriend that if she were to go on to the dance floor by herself that someone would try and hit on her. So she proceeds to the dance floor to see what would happen. My question to you is, should this behavior bother me or is it in reality no big deal?

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Well, did someone "hit on her?" If not, then no harm done but I would be having a talk with her about romantic relationship boundaries and how, in your view, she crossed them. You have to have the same romantic relationship boundaries because if you don't, that's when you start to have doubt and insecurities and bouts of mistrust rearing their ugly heads.

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The question I have involves a situation in my relationship that has made me feel very uncomfortable. I wonder if I am being unreasonable, or justified in feeling my relationship has been disrespected. I am a 46 year old male in a committed relationship. Last weekend my girlfriend went to a bar with a girl friend of hers. The girlfriend left earlier than my girlfriend. My girlfriend stuck around because she knew a few people there. She was hanging out with a guy who is a mutual friend of ours. While at this bar, she noticed that someone was checking her out. In conversation with our mutual friend, he bets my girlfriend that if she were to go on to the dance floor by herself that someone would try and hit on her. So she proceeds to the dance floor to see what would happen. My question to you is, should this behavior bother me or is it in reality no big deal?

 

My question to you is: What kind of friends do you two keep? I think this episode says more about how this friend of your actually esteems you than it does about what your girlfriend did.

 

This guy means you no good and you'd be wise to cut him out of your circle.

 

People in their 40's should know by now how to behave and don't need lectures on it.

 

It's tragic when a person who, by middle age, doesn't know how to behave in a committed relationship when they are away from their partner.

 

If you feel that her bounding out onto a dance floor to see if anyone comes up to her is a bridge too far for you, then dump her (and this friend who put her up to it) and move on.

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No big deal. Women in relationships get hit on all the time, and from your description it sounds highly unlikely she'd have done anything about it even if someone HAD approached her.

 

Incidentally, did she herself tell you about this 'incident'? If so, you've got even less to worry about.

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Wanting to see if you still got is kind of harmless fun.

 

That said, you might want to step up in the romance and good bf department instead of jealous lectures and picking fights. Better to make her laugh and remind her that you are a great catch she doesn't want to lose, than to pick a fight and make her miserable, thinking that maybe she should shop for someone new.

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I personally wouldn't like it if my partner did that. Similarly, I wouldn't do such a thing myself.

 

But everyone's different and has different boundaries. I think the most important thing is that you and your girlfriend are on the same page about boundaries.

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No one hit on her. We've been in heated discussion all day about this. She apologized, said she shouldnt have done it, but in the next breath said she did nothing wrong, not gonna walk on eggshells for me and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm confused about her response because I don't know how she truly feels about it because of her contradiction in her response.

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There is no need to step up the romance. We are very affectionate with each other and I tell her how beautiful she is everyday. I tell her I'm the luckiest man in the world and our intimacy is incredible. I have taken the route of lecturing because this is something that has really bothered me. I've had some trust issues with other things that we've been able to talk through. Admittedly, I know I have some trust issues because of my past. She has been very communicative with me and reassuring as well. This particular situation I have posted has nothing to do with insecurities, but my own beliefs as to what is right when being in a relationship.

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No big deal. Women in relationships get hit on all the time, and from your description it sounds highly unlikely she'd have done anything about it even if someone HAD approached her.

 

Incidentally, did she herself tell you about this 'incident'? If so, you've got even less to worry about.

 

Her and the male friend I mentioned we're talking about it in front of me. I know she wouldn't have done anything about it if she was hit on. The question I have is why play that game to begin with? What if someone did hit on her, now she needs to go down a completely different road that would make me even more uncomfortable because she purposely put herself in that situation to begin with

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Yes, this is an overreaction and you are way, way overthinking this. There isn't a contradiction in her response. She says she shouldn't have done it because of all this (completely unnecessary) fallout and she did nothing wrong because... wait for it... NOTHING HAPPENED! Nor would anything have happened if someone had actually hit on her!

 

As to why 'play the game' to begin with? There wasn't a game, because NOTHING HAPPENED! Other than that, it was a bit of silliness, nothing more. I recall that when I was 35, I was wolf-whistled at in the street by a couple of teenagers. Made my day!

 

As for your statement:

What if someone did hit on her, now she needs to go down a completely different road
They didn't. NOTHING HAPPENED. And if someone had hit on her, all she needs to do is give them a polite brush-off and that's it. She went onto a dance floor for a dance; she didn't perform a striptease and give a total stranger a lapdance!

 

You do need to deal with your trust issues, but I think there's also an issue here of wanting to control and punish - and that will do neither you nor the relationship any good.

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She must be still hot. Kudos to you.

 

Remember, you are the one with her.

 

Being jealous will push her away.

 

Look her squarely in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky you are to be with her and go to bed and enjoy being together.

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SO not a big deal.

 

You don't like the idea of it, which is understandable - but that isn't because her behavior was wrong. I don't like the idea of my 18 year old daughter being hit on, or even inviting attention... but her behavior is fine. Its just me; she's my daughter.

 

This is just you. She was out drinking and in a partying sort of mood. Its easy to see how this unfolded. Now, let it go. You're not going to like everything she does. But you do like who she is. Let her be.

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Her and the male friend I mentioned we're talking about it in front of me. I know she wouldn't have done anything about it if she was hit on. The question I have is why play that game to begin with? What if someone did hit on her, now she needs to go down a completely different road that would make me even more uncomfortable because she purposely put herself in that situation to begin with

 

You trust that she wouldn't do anything. Done. Show that trust by letting it go. Don't go into a mental circle jerk of "what if's". That will make you crazy. She knows how you feel. Tell her you love her and let it go. She knows it bugs you.

 

Consider better friends.

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We're not on the same page and I'm not quite sure how we get there

This is a telling comment: I bet she thinks you're on the same page.

 

Do you have a script in your head that tells you "If she were serious about me she wouldn't have done this? Are you treating this silly bar game into a Thing that gives evidence to your suspicion that she doesn't value you the way you value her?

 

If yes, let me offer a few observations from my own experience.1) I am extroverted. 2) I used to have a crazy high metabolism and could drink most men, even some burly types, under the table. 3) I used to have more energy than I had direction. 4) I live in an urban area. Always something to do.

 

The list of things I might have done when not a single mom with a demanding career and kids' expenses up to my eyeballs... does any of it have any thing to do with how I feel about my bf? Ha. Not a smidgeon. I will go dancing with my friend, the two of us women on the dance floor for 4 hours straight, drink two seltzer waters, come home and sleep like a child. You might imagine the attention we get. Maybe we do.Maybe we don't. I've gotten so I don't notice and don't care. I do not intend to quiet myself as if others' behavior is my fault; nor do I invite approach and rarely am I brazenly approached. I have dated men who want to watch over me and it is destructive. I feel they neither understand me nor empower me and I get claustrophobic. I have dated men who dont care at all. That doesn't work either.

 

My bf is clear about what he seeks in me, what he values in a relationship, and what his limits are. He never has asked me to change. He has only said that in certain cases, it may signal that we want different things. This approach is perfect.

 

My point is, let her be. It isn'tabout you. It's about her comfort level with your friend and her other friends, about her playful nature, about her satirical attitude about men hitting on women. For goodness sakes my bf gets hit on in professional settings. Who cares.

 

ALTERNATIVELY

Are there other issues? Are you compatible?

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Why is she telling you all this? It sounds like she's insecure and wants you to think she's hot as hell and everyone can't wait to get in her pants. Ignore it.

While at this bar, she noticed that someone was checking her out. In conversation with our mutual friend, he bets my girlfriend that if she were to go on to the dance floor by herself that someone would try and hit on her. So she proceeds to the dance floor to see what would happen.
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Why is she telling you all this? It sounds like she's insecure and wants you to think she's hot as hell and everyone can't wait to get in her pants. Ignore it.

I think she was telling a story about her night out - sharing something that was fun/funny

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Why is she telling you all this? It sounds like she's insecure and wants you to think she's hot as hell and everyone can't wait to get in her pants. Ignore it.

 

This was my initial thought too.

 

We all know that an even somewhat attractive person is going to get attention and hit on when out and about. Especially in a bar!

It doesn't matter. What matters is how someone handles themselves in these situations while committed.

I'd just be taking note to see how often she feels the need for you to know others find her attractive .

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This is a telling comment: I bet she thinks you're on the same page.

 

Do you have a script in your head that tells you "If she were serious about me she wouldn't have done this? Are you treating this silly bar game into a Thing that gives evidence to your suspicion that she doesn't value you the way you value her?

 

If yes, let me offer a few observations from my own experience.1) I am extroverted. 2) I used to have a crazy high metabolism and could drink most men, even some burly types, under the table. 3) I used to have more energy than I had direction. 4) I live in an urban area. Always something to do.

 

The list of things I might have done when not a single mom with a demanding career and kids' expenses up to my eyeballs... does any of it have any thing to do with how I feel about my bf? Ha. Not a smidgeon. I will go dancing with my friend, the two of us women on the dance floor for 4 hours straight, drink two seltzer waters, come home and sleep like a child. You might imagine the attention we get. Maybe we do.Maybe we don't. I've gotten so I don't notice and don't care. I do not intend to quiet myself as if others' behavior is my fault; nor do I invite approach and rarely am I brazenly approached. I have dated men who want to watch over me and it is destructive. I feel they neither understand me nor empower me and I get claustrophobic. I have dated men who dont care at all. That doesn't work either.

 

My bf is clear about what he seeks in me, what he values in a relationship, and what his limits are. He never has asked me to change. He has only said that in certain cases, it may signal that we want different things. This approach is perfect.

 

My point is, let her be. It isn'tabout you. It's about her comfort level with your friend and her other friends, about her playful nature, about her satirical attitude about men hitting on women. For goodness sakes my bf gets hit on in professional settings. Who cares.

 

ALTERNATIVELY

Are there other issues? Are you compatible?

 

She has a beautiful woman and of course I fully expect that there are time she will be hit on. I fully expect her to interact, have conversation, have lives, dance with other men in my presence or otherwise. The fact she sought out this attention is what I have issue with. I love her playful nature and she can strike up a conversation with anyone she is highly extroverted. I lean toward the introverted side and find that the combination is a wonderful thing.

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She has a beautiful woman and of course I fully expect that there are time she will be hit on. I fully expect her to interact, have conversation, have lives, dance with other men in my presence or otherwise. The fact she sought out this attention is what I have issue with. I love her playful nature and she can strike up a conversation with anyone she is highly extroverted. I lean toward the introverted side and find that the combination is a wonderful thing.

 

Those are kind words. Extroverts and introverts often have conflicting responses to this kind of social behavior. The two traits are often accompanied by differences in privacy, in boundaries. It takes some thoughtfulness and accommodation to get along.

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